Shocked - the affair never stopped :-(

[WhatsitWiggle]

I separated from ex just over 2 years ago. He'd had an affair in 2012, I found out, he promised it was over. Our relationship never recovered and by 2022 I couldn't take anymore and asked for a divorce. He moved out, and at the start of this year I bought him out of the house and started the divorce. I felt like a weight had been lifted, like I'd found myself again. I miss having a companion, but he wasn't that - we never went out together - so it's been a long time since I've been happy.

I've been updating my name back to my maiden name and whilst going through password manager, found an email address I didn't recognise. Turned out to be his secret email. The affair never stopped. For 12 years, she's been waiting for him, they've been meeting in secret, emailing, calling ... he's booked weekends away with her when he's told me he's away with work or visiting his family.

I'm so fucking angry. He has not officially told me he's in a relationship, and completed the financial order to say he had no intention of cohabiting .... when I can see from the emails exactly what they are planning!

I can't believe I believed him when he said it was over, that I trusted him for 10 years. It's totally changed my opinion of him, and I'm disgusted that I have to even communicate with him over our daughter (she's 16 but has autism - he'll need to be around for her for a few more years yet).

I never told my parents about the affair, I was too embarrassed at the time. But my mum is coming to stay for a few days tomorrow (today) and I feel like I've been hit by a truck. I'm shaking as much as when I first found out about them.

I know that mumsnet thinks badly of snoopers, but I genuinely thought they'd rekindled the relationship recently. I feel like my life for the last 12 years has been a lie. How the hell did I miss it?! He clearly realised where he'd slipped up when I confronted him in 2012 and became more devious. I feel like I don't recognise this person.

Do I call him out on it? Part of me wants to message friends and family to tell them what a disgusting piece of shit he is. I stopped seeing them about 6 years ago because I couldn't pretend all was well any more, so I know they don't owe me anything. But I bet he hasn't been honest.

I'm rambling now. It's late and I have work in 4 hours.

I've heard of something similar that went on for 18 plus years and the woman waited for nothing in the end!

I'd get the divorce done then send them an email from that email address, saying that you're done with them, and tell the OW that she's welcome to your crumbs, and that it must be awful knowing what he's capable of.

And at one point he's told his dad that he's unhappy in the marriage, and his dad has told him to try harder.

Looks like his dad wouldn’t be impressed by a 12 year affair.

Oh @TomatoSandwiches your poor mum, that sounds awful.

I am rather stubborn and do have a tendency towards an "I'll show you" attitude in life. Whilst the shock last week hit me like a ton of bricks, I've recovered from that and now I'm focused on moving on. Two gym sessions at the weekend also helped direct the anger to something more productive.

My lovely girl wanted to see him today because it's his birthday. He messaged me saying he could come over at x time "if that works for you". I just replied "not really". I don't want him in my house anymore, so arranged to meet half way. He's going to be really confused when he realises I'm not being so accommodating, I wonder if he'll ask me why?

If you go public with this op you'd best back up the emails because he'll delete them. I'm sure you've thought of this already...

I've been in a similar position, it's awful.