Shocked - the affair never stopped :-(

[WhatsitWiggle]

I separated from ex just over 2 years ago. He'd had an affair in 2012, I found out, he promised it was over. Our relationship never recovered and by 2022 I couldn't take anymore and asked for a divorce. He moved out, and at the start of this year I bought him out of the house and started the divorce. I felt like a weight had been lifted, like I'd found myself again. I miss having a companion, but he wasn't that - we never went out together - so it's been a long time since I've been happy.

I've been updating my name back to my maiden name and whilst going through password manager, found an email address I didn't recognise. Turned out to be his secret email. The affair never stopped. For 12 years, she's been waiting for him, they've been meeting in secret, emailing, calling ... he's booked weekends away with her when he's told me he's away with work or visiting his family.

I'm so fucking angry. He has not officially told me he's in a relationship, and completed the financial order to say he had no intention of cohabiting .... when I can see from the emails exactly what they are planning!

I can't believe I believed him when he said it was over, that I trusted him for 10 years. It's totally changed my opinion of him, and I'm disgusted that I have to even communicate with him over our daughter (she's 16 but has autism - he'll need to be around for her for a few more years yet).

I never told my parents about the affair, I was too embarrassed at the time. But my mum is coming to stay for a few days tomorrow (today) and I feel like I've been hit by a truck. I'm shaking as much as when I first found out about them.

I know that mumsnet thinks badly of snoopers, but I genuinely thought they'd rekindled the relationship recently. I feel like my life for the last 12 years has been a lie. How the hell did I miss it?! He clearly realised where he'd slipped up when I confronted him in 2012 and became more devious. I feel like I don't recognise this person.

Do I call him out on it? Part of me wants to message friends and family to tell them what a disgusting piece of shit he is. I stopped seeing them about 6 years ago because I couldn't pretend all was well any more, so I know they don't owe me anything. But I bet he hasn't been honest.

I'm rambling now. It's late and I have work in 4 hours.

Would there be any change to the financial order if he had stated he was going to be cohabitating?

Doubtful I would say. Assets are split based on:

What is available
Needs of both partners

If there are insufficient assets to go round, then both partners will have to adjust their lifestyles accordingly.

If the OP is UK based, take a look at:

Does the reason for divorce affect the settlement? - GloverPriest

This..! I was advised to do the same and was seriously shocked at the amount of money he'd racked up having 'fun' with his girlfriend.

You seem to have a bit of sympathy for the OW. Don’t. Just like people on here will say she owes you nothing, you owe her nothing. Don’t give her a heads up, don’t warn her. Don’t give an exit interview. Don’t tell him his shortcomings.

Let them both find out for themselves that he’s swapped one domestic life, for another and she has won a booby prize, a twat for a partner, with halved finances, a DD who needs lots of attention, and a cheater.

I’d keep this info to myself for mow to use if you can as a bargaining tool. When you have what you want and it is all signed sealed and delivered I’d let the people in his life know that he had an affair for 12 years, and you have proof if they want to see it. Keep copies of the emails. I’d work out how much he has spent, and I’d tell him if needed that you will be bringing it up regarding the settlement.

Focus on offloading the malignant baggage, and yourself. Focus on getting rid of him ASAP. He won’t ever be happy, and it’s not your problem anymore.

Just to add I have no sympathy for women who break up families, and if they wait around for years, wasting their fertility on a man who throws them a fish every once in a while, or more correctly uses them for sex, then good. They deserve it.

Before anyone asks, of course, I hold the cheating man in higher contempt.

I wouldn’t bother trawling back through the affair to tot up the money, my exh spent literally tens of thousands on sex workers over a period of at least 12 years and it made absolutely no difference to our financial settlement. Which I am furious about because that money could have put our kids through Uni.

Whatever you do - hold off until the divorce is finalised.

I agree with keeping copies for yourself. If you're forwarding rather than printing, remember to delete the evidence you've forwarded them to yourself.

Or, the devil option would be to log into his email and email her pretending to be him (at times he would be at work) and cause some chaos 😈

But I'm still in control of what I choose to do with this new information, and that gives me strength.

Indeed

And just think she has waited around not realising that he wasn't ever going to end your marriage - 10 years and she still never twigged. Now and only now does she get him because you didn't want to be in the marriage any longer - after giving it a decent shot at making it work (its never going to work if there are 3 in a marriage) now she get your sloppy seconds.....

<cough>
change the password on the email address

I remember shaking so hard when I found the final evidence that tipped me over - it was a feeling I've never had before, I felt close to just shutting down entirely..

I am lucky enough that I keep child talk to strictly business, rare, and generally just calendar invites for (rare) visits (which on the down side means no time off for me)

I please myself not by overtly poking him, but by whenever I have a chance, just letting him realise that I do know what went on (and leaving it open enough that if there's more, he doesn't know if I do know or not). Means I get my little wins, but I don't get tempted to stray from grey rock and rant.

I did tell everyone what he'd been up to. I felt a bit bad in case I was trauma dumping, but I preferred that it was all out there and in the open rather than people making stuff up and gossiping.

Sorry, but I wouldn’t be able to let this go. If it were me, I’d be stealth—by making a comment to friends that I finally have my last name back—cheers! Then a breezy comment such as, “Yeah, it’s great…shame about the 10+ year affair. Anyway, onwards and upwards! Cheers to my new life going forward!”

Just move on. Yes, you've been hurt, but anything else other than moving on is scorned woman petty.

Be better than that.

I don't actually agree with 'being better than that'

That just sweeps terrible behaviour under the carpet. I think people need to know. I don't think hiding it is right.

Absolutely shocking behaviour no wonder you are shaken up by it. It makes the last decade feel like a lie.

While I’d love to take a swing at him for being a bellend I think it’s better to wait until you’ve calmed down. When you have some innocuous question about what time he’s coming to see DD I would email him the question to the secret email address you’ve found or even use the secret email address to send the email to his main email address.

that way he knows you know but you don’t give him the satisfaction of seeing you at your most upset and vulnerable.

I’ve just divorced ( in the Uk ) and my ex had spent hundreds of thousands of pounds on his ex and there was no way to recover that in the divorce . He had stolen the money over our 20 year marriage from the business that we ran together.

So I don’t think it would affect your settlement, I’d just let the divorce go through to get it over with .

However Id also tell everyone I know that he’d cheated for years. I “ took the higher ground “ for years and all that happened was that I got screwed over big time.

I think it’s hard when the person you thought you knew turns out to be someone different. If you talk about it I would say choose carefully, because it is you and your daughter who will be affected. I would tell him you knew and get it out. I chose therapy as my outlet, some people choose exercise, etc. Do you. Please tell your mum. Hold your head high. You have been the bigger person. He has never been honest and I’m guessing that’s what hurts.

What a dreadful discovery! It’s no wonder you’re shocked.

But, when you step back, this also validates the approach you took, which was to give the relationship/trust another go for your DC’s sake, improve your income and then decide it wasn’t working for you and leave the relationship. That was clearly the right decision now this info’s come to light.

So, you are absolutely in control as you’re already well on the way to removing the untrustworthy man from your life, other than as a co-parent.

On that, I’d think first and foremost about your DC when considering whether to tell people. How would it make her feel? But I certainly wouldn’t deceive or lie on his behalf. If anyone asked me directly, including my DC, I’d tell them. It’s your truth. But I wouldn’t contact the OW. Her problem. No longer yours. Retain your dignity.

Bastard. I'd wait until the divorce is finalised and then make an announcement along the lines of "Our divorce is now complete. I no longer have to pretend that I don’t know X was lying to me, had a secret email address and was carrying on an extra-marital affair for 12 years. Hooray!" That would not be a lie and you are retaining your dignity. If anyone asked how long you’d known, you could just look enigmatic and say you don’t want to discuss it. He can’t know for sure that you didn’t find out about his secret email address years ago. Good luck!

OP, I would suggest to ride this storm alone in privacy or with a councillor. Nobody
else needs to know your business, because once you move on and heal, all these people around you will still KNOW. Even your Mum may tell someone to share her own sadness about your heart break. Nothing to be gained, and not good for your daughter for everyone to know. Us on Mumsnet will hear you out anonymously without consequences.

Deal with the legal side, move on, eat, pray, love. Sending you hugs.

I recommend a website called chumplady.com where you’ll find support from lots of other “chumps” (betrayed spouses) who have been the victims of this type of domestic abuse (which is what it is). Also get as much financial evidence together as you can and then see a good solicitor.

I've been through exactly the same and it's horrendous. It's as though all those years were built on sinking sand. You had no chance of making the marriage work, despite all your efforts. I'm so sorry.

The most successful revenge is to live your best life.

If the divorce settlement might be more favourable to you by raising the lie then bring it up. Otherwise, focus on you. Invest in friendships you want for their own sake. Spend time on activities you enjoy. Give him as little emotional energy as you can. You left him, not the other way around. There is power in that.

But it's not her shame - it's his! She's done nothing wrong here!

I think in this situation, with likely nothing to be gained from any of this, I'd download a dump of all the files (google lets you do it - although it emails them to you, so you should do it in the middle of the night!) just in case they're ever useful - or just connect your phone/mail app on your computer to it, let it download everything, then disconnect it again, then I'd do something, just a little something to let him know you know - change the password, or sign him up for something on that email address. BUT I WOULDN'T MENTION IT, and I'd refuse to be engaged on the subject if he brought it up.

I'd just let him sweat, and smile to myself every time I thought about it.

@WhatsitWiggle
Don't tell him what you know, keep your powder dry, keep him in the dark about everything, be strategic.

I'm sorry OP.

I'd make sure you have a record of all of these emails (somewhere it isn't easy for you to access and dwell on them but so you have them if needed (eg if he tried to persuade you it's all in your head)).

Then I'd tell my lawyer he's potentially lied on the form about co-habiting (he might not have done - he plan to keep stringing the OW along) and ask her whether it makes enough of a difference to reopen settlement discussions (seems unlikely).

Assuming it doesn't make a material difference to the amount of money you'll receive, do nothing else until everything is finalized.

Then see how you feel. Whilst I'm normally not one for sharing this type of thing on social media and the importance of being the bigger person, I would be sorely tempted to post something factual and unemotional (and with comments turned off as a PP has suggested). There's being the bigger person, and allowing your ex-DH to build a narrative where you're the bad guy, and for me this is too far across that line (unless you believe he also has been maintaining a dignified silence rather than blaming you for the split). You do need to take potential impact on your DD into account though - she'll find out about the post even if you don't directly have her on social media. Golden rule - do nothing now, and in shock/anger!