Shocked - the affair never stopped :-(

[WhatsitWiggle]

I separated from ex just over 2 years ago. He'd had an affair in 2012, I found out, he promised it was over. Our relationship never recovered and by 2022 I couldn't take anymore and asked for a divorce. He moved out, and at the start of this year I bought him out of the house and started the divorce. I felt like a weight had been lifted, like I'd found myself again. I miss having a companion, but he wasn't that - we never went out together - so it's been a long time since I've been happy.

I've been updating my name back to my maiden name and whilst going through password manager, found an email address I didn't recognise. Turned out to be his secret email. The affair never stopped. For 12 years, she's been waiting for him, they've been meeting in secret, emailing, calling ... he's booked weekends away with her when he's told me he's away with work or visiting his family.

I'm so fucking angry. He has not officially told me he's in a relationship, and completed the financial order to say he had no intention of cohabiting .... when I can see from the emails exactly what they are planning!

I can't believe I believed him when he said it was over, that I trusted him for 10 years. It's totally changed my opinion of him, and I'm disgusted that I have to even communicate with him over our daughter (she's 16 but has autism - he'll need to be around for her for a few more years yet).

I never told my parents about the affair, I was too embarrassed at the time. But my mum is coming to stay for a few days tomorrow (today) and I feel like I've been hit by a truck. I'm shaking as much as when I first found out about them.

I know that mumsnet thinks badly of snoopers, but I genuinely thought they'd rekindled the relationship recently. I feel like my life for the last 12 years has been a lie. How the hell did I miss it?! He clearly realised where he'd slipped up when I confronted him in 2012 and became more devious. I feel like I don't recognise this person.

Do I call him out on it? Part of me wants to message friends and family to tell them what a disgusting piece of shit he is. I stopped seeing them about 6 years ago because I couldn't pretend all was well any more, so I know they don't owe me anything. But I bet he hasn't been honest.

I'm rambling now. It's late and I have work in 4 hours.

Since you have access to the emails, I’d send her a long one telling the truth and letting her know exactly what he is like. She likely won’t believe you but they will both know you know the full truth of the affairs because you have access to the email account.

How awful for you. I'm not going to judge you on snooping as at least now you know the full story and you are able to process it and deal with it as part of rebuilding your new life.

Just remember how great it feels divorcing from him and this just reaffirms your decision.
Personally I would sit with your mum and tell her everything if you feel able to. I did this after my relationship ended - it had been a DA relationship and i had felt embarrassed. I felt a weight lifted for opening up.
I would also not bother with sharing with him that you know - you have this information and he is oblivious son you have the upper hand - leave him that way. Don't bad mouth him to friends and family as you are the better person here. If anyone says anything just say yes I am aware of it and it's been a very difficult time, and leave it there. That will have more impact whereby people will know he hurt you but that you are being very respectful in return by not slagging him off.
Spend your energy on rebuilding and living a life that is right for you and your daughter.
You sound like a strong person and I am not sure he deserves any time in your thoughts.
With best of luck for your new amazing future x

💐

So meanwhile some woman somewhere is feeling like she won the lottery, when actually she got the booby prize!

What I don't get about these cheaters is... why so long? Why not just leave? Why live a lie and be unhappy & make everyone else unhappy in the process. 12 years, I couldn't be with someone I didn't love, pretending to them I did love them.
I'm wondering also, will he be as appealing now he's not married?

I'm so sorry OP, definitely get copies of those emails. In case he changes his password, he might have been notified of a login from a different device.

Get the divorce finalised. Don't give him the chance to punish you by disrupting it.

Get free.

Then decide what to do.

When divorce is settled
Go back in to the secret email, send an email to him and her from it.
Hi guys
Divorce is finally through, yippee, glad I kicked you to the curb once and for all.
I hope you are both miserable together!
All the very best.
Ps, I'll be telling anyone with a set of ears what you both fine all these years.

Anything else other than moving on is not just 'scorned woman petty'. There are emotional, logical, and financial reasons for OP to tell others what has actually been the truth of the matter for over a decade. Also, there is the not so inconsequential factor of telling the truth. If asked why the divorce, a person must always tell the truth not least because, if the truth were to come out later on, the relationship with friends and family will be damaged by the earlier lie.

The reason they don't leave is because they don't want to leave. They want the benefits of marriage and wife, and the want the benefits of a bit on the side. They only leave when pushed, perhaps by the wife being so miserable, she files for divorce. Then they obviously go to their second choice. After a while, they will crave the second, secret relationship, and they will find a new OW. It's the truth behind the saying about 'creating the vacancy'.

@WhatsitWiggle x bugger emailing him, you should email her, and let her know he’s been lying to her for over a decade. Then let him know you’ve told her.

I agree with this.
The function of the affair is to compensate himself for the various inconveniences (meaning not being able to have everything on his terms ) of being in a committed relationship.
Now that the affair has been shifted into a committed relationship he will start casting around for another affair to compensate himself for the downsides of that committed relationship.

I think this is good advice.

Honestly, I believe most people don't care about other people's relationships. I've got no idea who is having extra-marital affairs, but no doubt some are. It's irrelevant to me. A spouse making a big explosive display over finding out would just make me cringe for both of them.

Move on, and have a great life. That burden has been lifted - you already said yourself. There's a great life out there for you: look forward, not back!

Sell the necklace for the cash value and buy yourself a new one - maybe a matching one with your DD. :)

I don't like this dignified bullshit. It only helps arseholes getaway with awful behaviour. They keep their dignity whilst everyone believes their lies about. Tell everyone. Do you really care what his family think about you?

I've been divorce twice and I've literally NEVER been asked why. That would be really rude!

Who on earth would ask someone that question?

I think that tricking someone into a sexual relationship by lying to them (which is what he has done to you OP) is sexual assault, which partly explains why the trauma of of discovering it is so intense. ive never seen this recognised anywhere and don’t really understand why, you’d never have given consent if you had known. You may benefit from some therapeutic support after this. What an absolute wanker he is

Oh man, what an arsehole. Gather the information as much as you can. Get copies and hard copies, so that if you confront him he can't gaslight you and delete everything. Personally I would keep it secret that you know. Keep it in the bag for now. Mention it to your divorce lawyer and see what they have to say about it.

I'd wait for the divorce to be finalised, then email him on that account - simply 'good riddance'. He won't know how long you've known.

Whose dignity is being protected? Not yours. You did cheat 12 yrs of your marriage.

OP I know you have to stay in contact because of your DD, but really you are now liberated from ever speaking with him again.

As Orange says, you could email him on that account (post divorce) and say every communication from now on must be in writing and you never want to hear his voice again unless its an emergency regarding your daughter. You could CC the OW and congratulate her on her prize of a man.

In the meantime let all his calls go to VM - you could even tell him you'd prefer written communication from now on (pre divorce).

What a shocking betrayal.

Change password on that email + recovery phone number + recovery email address

Exactly this.

Get yourself free of this disgusting excuse for a husband. And then you can decide what you want to do with this knowledge.

You shouldn't feel sympathy for the OW. She knows very well that she's been cheating with a married man who has a child. Whatever shite he has spun, she is an adult who 100% knows that he has a wife/child.

I'd either forward it, or print it and file it. Keep it until such time you need it. Get free therapy from chatting on here.

Be careful doing this, in case he gets an alert. I'd get all the information you need safely forwarded and printed first.

Or even just photographed on screen using your phone.

What she said, also: he's an ex for a reason, you've been two years divorced, he's in your past so I would not contact him to tell him how angry you are, it's too late and he's no longer part of your life, you've moved on and as far as you're concerned he could be part of a lesbian polyamorous cult and you could care less. At this point the only thing that matters is you and your daughters wellbeing, any angry words or discussions about past events may negatively affect his relationship with your daughter so let sleeping dogs lie. Move on OP, yes he's a douche, but he's your past, look at the bright future ahead of you.

When i found out my ExH was cheating I was embarrassed and only told my bestie and my Mum. I couldn't care at all who knows now. I conducted myself with dignity though, I didn't go shouting and hollering. I would call him out on it and indeed seek support from your Mum it will help you, I would drop it into conversation with others if the need arises.

Disgusting piece of scum! She's welcome to him! It does get easier, I'm divorced now.

Posted too soon. Will do a proper reply.