Shocked - the affair never stopped :-(

[WhatsitWiggle]

I separated from ex just over 2 years ago. He'd had an affair in 2012, I found out, he promised it was over. Our relationship never recovered and by 2022 I couldn't take anymore and asked for a divorce. He moved out, and at the start of this year I bought him out of the house and started the divorce. I felt like a weight had been lifted, like I'd found myself again. I miss having a companion, but he wasn't that - we never went out together - so it's been a long time since I've been happy.

I've been updating my name back to my maiden name and whilst going through password manager, found an email address I didn't recognise. Turned out to be his secret email. The affair never stopped. For 12 years, she's been waiting for him, they've been meeting in secret, emailing, calling ... he's booked weekends away with her when he's told me he's away with work or visiting his family.

I'm so fucking angry. He has not officially told me he's in a relationship, and completed the financial order to say he had no intention of cohabiting .... when I can see from the emails exactly what they are planning!

I can't believe I believed him when he said it was over, that I trusted him for 10 years. It's totally changed my opinion of him, and I'm disgusted that I have to even communicate with him over our daughter (she's 16 but has autism - he'll need to be around for her for a few more years yet).

I never told my parents about the affair, I was too embarrassed at the time. But my mum is coming to stay for a few days tomorrow (today) and I feel like I've been hit by a truck. I'm shaking as much as when I first found out about them.

I know that mumsnet thinks badly of snoopers, but I genuinely thought they'd rekindled the relationship recently. I feel like my life for the last 12 years has been a lie. How the hell did I miss it?! He clearly realised where he'd slipped up when I confronted him in 2012 and became more devious. I feel like I don't recognise this person.

Do I call him out on it? Part of me wants to message friends and family to tell them what a disgusting piece of shit he is. I stopped seeing them about 6 years ago because I couldn't pretend all was well any more, so I know they don't owe me anything. But I bet he hasn't been honest.

I'm rambling now. It's late and I have work in 4 hours.

👏

I know a man who did this and this description:

He's so nice and helpful to other people though, he comes across as a genuine, nice guy and people love him

Is exactly him too.

Its the worst type of betrayal.

These men are fraudsters.

I’m so sorry OP

That's not an affair but a double life.

What an absolute shit this man is.

I'd copy the emails and ask for the financial order to be revised.

Tell your mum and show her the emails as you need real life support.

Be thankful you're rid of the cheating lying scumbag;just remember that she's with a man she knows lies,cheats and manipulates and there's now a vacancy for a mistress......

Shout it from the rooftops what an absolute twat

In the US if someone has spent money on an affair partner and you can prove it you would get more in the settlement because of the squandering of marital assets. It truly is a kind of the theft.

I think I'd probably check to see if the solicitor thought it would make a difference to the financial settlement, and if it did then use it there. If not, I don't think there's anyway to notify everyone without looking a bit unhinged.

However, that probably wouldn't stop me from wishing them a happy x years anniversary in a public post. I'd guess it's a lot more than 12 years if that's when you originally found out.

I know it stings now, but within a few weeks I think you'll be cackling at the thought of being free to travel while he realises he's bored without an affair and searches for a new mistress and she worries herself sick wondering if he's having an affair on her. You've come out on top here, and with a clean conscience too.

@viques bless you, that really did make me laugh out loud!

OMG, you've hit the nail on the head. He's a narcissist! He said I changed after we lost our first daughter (she was stillborn), but actually him crying on someone else's shoulder coincided with me returning to work when our second daughter was 2.5. I'd been a SAHM up until then, so was cooking every night, cleaning, doing everything for the family. When I had something else in my life - my job - not only was he 2nd after our daughter, but he had to contend with me not being the skivvy either.

As for leading the double life, that's probably why he was a grumpy shit most of the time.

Aww ladies, you are all amazing. I feel like I've got my own personal cheer squad right now. Thank you.

Wow, I've never thought about like this before, but you're right - what pressure!!

What really jumped out at me, was the fact that for 12 years he could have left you for her, but he didn't. When the decision was in his hands, and he could choose either of you, he chose YOU. For 12 years, he wanted to be with you more. For 12 years, whatever he felt for her was never enough to leave you. I would take great comfort from that.

So, now he's in a relationship with his 2nd choice. If he could cheat on his 1st choice, as sure as eggs is eggs, he will cheat on his 2nd choice.

My first husband cheated on me. I can remember saying that if he could cheat on his wife, who was the mother of his children, that he would surely cheat on his girlfriend who he subsequently lived with. And of course, that's exactly what he did. He is now in a different relationship, and I think he's cheating on her. (I however, went on to marry someone else, and am very happy).

You will get through this, and you will find a man who is worth so much more than your Ex. And one day, you'll be glad your Ex did what he did, because it led you to someone better. The hardest thing I found, was letting my barriers down, because I had been so hurt. But my husband proves to me every day that men can be good, decent and honest, and they are not all cheating dickheads!

Exactly that! She has probably been diminished by him. I’d feel sorry for her to be honest. It must have been a hell of traumatic 12 years knowing he was prioritising another woman. She hasn’t won anything - she’s got herself a lying cheat. You are well rid! Sorry, that you have had to go through this. That sort of deception is abusive.

I am so sorry OP. I would be tempted to print off the emails and given them to my divorce lawyer to contest the statement he has no intention of cohabiting.

You get records of these emails and show them to your solicitor. You gather as much evidence as possible and take it to your solicitor. Dont let on to him you know. It will be hard not to crack on that you know. But play nice smile and then blindside him. You need to protect yourself and your daughter.

This is awful for you. My thoughts are that sustained and/or repetitive cheating is emotional abuse. It’s 100% intentional, and after seeing the hurt caused the first time, it’s abusive to continue inflicting that on someone. Add to that the lying, narcissism and gaslighting that goes along with it…

Definitely tell your close friends and family. It’s like lifting a weight and you’ll see things more clearly.

I’m glad you’re out of it. You should just get your settlement concluded imo. You might feel the need to use this to ‘hit back’, but an actually you’ll recover more quickly if you don’t put any more energy into this.

I've not slept well. I read through emails again, like an itch I need to scratch.

Found 3 times that they've taken a break when she's told him she can't carry on waiting for him to make a decision. Each time lasting less than a month! Can't work out who lured who back.

In the early days, him moaning that it's so hard to get out to see her because I don't trust him and I'm asking so many questions about where he's going and how long he's going to be. The irony!

Found a hotel booking (there were a few, but this one he had to change because he got the date wrong). It was in 2019 so I looked through our joint calendar and it was dates he was "working away". And another where he was supposedly at a gig. It's starting to make sense why he didn't seem to have as much annual leave as I thought he should have, or why he always seemed broke when I was on the same salary and managing to save.

The more I read, the more I realised other people knew! Probably not the whole story, apparently his situation as to why he couldn't leave me was "complicated" so I am pretty certain he's spewed some bullshit about my mental health and capacity for looking after our daughter. But her mum and children knew about him, and of course think he's amazing because he's paid for things for her and helped her get a job. And at one point he's told his dad that he's unhappy in the marriage, and his dad has told him to try harder.

I've got a crazy couple of weeks coming up - daughter's draft EHCP needs to be reviewed, work is really busy - but after that I'm going to seek out some counselling. It's the shock that it's been going on so long. If I'd had any idea, I'd have ended the marriage, and I am KICKING myself for not ending it in 2012. I also really need guidance on how to handle this with our daughter.

A PP mentioned how their relationship HAS to work. But I'm concerned he'll also put that pressure on our daughter. They HAVE to have a good relationship too, because he delayed leaving for her. And that is not fair.

My poor girl. This morning she messed up making protein pancakes, and she said she was scared I'd shout at her. I asked her why? And she said dad shouts at her for wasting food. I've called him out on this before, and he says he doesn't shout. But I know he will have been angry, his tone will have portrayed that. I had to reassure her three times it didn't matter about the food or the money, that I was just sad for her that she wasn't having the breakfast she wanted (she has disordered eating and lost a lot of weight earlier this year and is slowly recovering). And I stayed with her whilst she worked out what she could manage as a replacement breakfast, clearing up the mess, talking her down from a panic attack, gently coaching her until she was back in control.

I've gone back through photos on my phone and deleted loads of him, if I had any from the same occasion just my daughter or where I can photoshop him out. Just didn't need facebook reminders with his ugly, gurning face filling my phone screen.

It may be that he hasn’t left for the OW at all.

I had a 12 year affair (which I massively regret) And if his wife had ever read our emails she would have seen talk of our future plans etc.

He did leave his wife(or she threw him out, I don’t know which) and told me it was so we could make a new start together. Actually he already had someone else, who he moved in with a couple of months later.

So it could well be that the OW waited all that time and your H’s future plans don’t involve her at all. He may not be planning to move in with her.

At this point your daughter would have a say in whether or not she wants to see him overnight. Likely would not want to suddenly live with another woman and her children, and she's not stupid, she will know exactly what happened.

Please say you've already filed your CMS claim if he hasn't already started paying?

Make sure he can't empty joint accounts and get his agreement via writing/text if possible for mortgage payments.

I don't know how much you earn, but check to see if you're entitled to any help financially too.

It helped me to get on with practical tasks when the initial shock of leaving him set in.

I'd also not kick yourself for not ending things 12 years ago. My ex was cheating on me since 2006, and I didn't leave until 2019 because I was mostly in denial that he was so nasty and disgusting. It isn't your fault, you're being really hard on yourself. You need a break and care, not to beat yourself up about something you didn't know.

I hope the next few weeks go smoothly for you and your daughter.

@honeyandbutterontoast he's living in her elderly aunt's house (who has gone into a care home). Now, to be fair, he absolutely could be stringing her along as to his intentions. Which is why there's no point me taking this to the solicitor. I have a deal that suits me and the sooner I can have no legal tie to the lump of shit, the better.

@SpiderMatriarch we separated two years ago, the divorce is ready to be finalised. The only thing holding it up is the solicitor buggering about with the financial order I insisted on. As soon as the court approves that, I'll be pushing the button on the final order..Don't worry, I'm financially absolutely fine - when I realised I could afford to go it alone and get a mortgage to buy him out, was when I ended it.

I'm sorry you've been through the same though. It's fucking tragic the number of horrible men out there.

Take the lying disgusting shit bag for every single possible thing you can

This happened to my mother op, 14 years he kept it up after she discovered he had cheated, kicked him out and in less than 6 months of begging they got back together, he was also " Mr Nice " couldn't do more for any and everyone.

She initially thought it was a different woman he had cheated on her with, found out it was the same woman and for how long, ended up being sectioned for a year due to the stress and affect it had on her mentally, she's never been the same since.

You sound very much together and have a decent focus to get through this. Don't protect his superficial reputation but I would absolutely get to therapy and work on making yourself let go of revenge, living your best life is the way to go.

Good luck.

@TomatoSandwiches your poor mother, sectioned because of the distress.

And some say cheating isn't a form of abuse.

Absolutely this. Just not worth it.

I didn't even recognise her when I went to see her the first time, she had lost so much weight her face was not my mums face.

Did the same to the woman he left her for eventually, no sympathy.

I think we will all have a party when he drops dead tbh.

Wow, she’s hung around for 12 years and only ended up with him because you pulled the plug on the marriage.

If you hadn’t he’d probably still be with you now.

I wonder if she’ll ever know he didn’t actively choose her.

She’s a right fucking mug and deserves all the years of misery she has coming to her.