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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

My new partner thinks I have no boundaries at bedtime with 9 year old

127 replies

Confuseddotcom99 · 29/07/2024 10:44

Hi all,

Could really do with some advice. My 9 year old really played up at bedtime when my new partner stayed over. Went up at 8.30pm. Messing around, I read a her book, but then she kept saying she was scared / heard a noise and came in twice etc. A bit of crying - but loudly so I could hear. Eventually I had to stay with her until she went to sleep around 11pm.

I am going through a tricky divorce and have got into habit of letting my daughter sleep in bed with me. She likes the new partner and they get on well and we had a great time hanging out before this.

My new partner hasn't got kids and I guess doesn't understand how they can play up from time to time. New partner thinks that I need to put boundaries in place and be more strict at bedtime. I've always been relaxed about her coming into my bed. I want the relationship to work out.

I think I might feel guilty about having a new relationship (its been a year and they met my child first 6 months ago and its been very slow / gentle introduction). We don't live together so they stay over at weekends or the odd week night only.

I think they might have a different parenting style and that I am very aware of supporting my child through all of these changes and we are very close. I am probably a bit of a pushover but she's a great kid going through a lot and dealing with it very well.

Has anyone got any experience of this? What should I do? I don't want to screw up new relationship. I don't want my child to feel pushed out...

HELP! x

OP posts:
SnowFrogJelly · 29/07/2024 10:47

Tbh I would be annoyed if new partner tried to tell me how to parent my child especially if they don't have any themselves..

Megifer · 29/07/2024 10:50

Throw this one back IMO. If they already feel its fine for them to tell you how to parent when they are still very much just a boyfriend/girlfriend then it will only get worse if they move in.

You need to put your DD first. I think a kid playing up at bedtime only when a boyfriend/girlfriend stays over is their way of telling you they are not happy. And she needs you while she is just a silent observer to the break up of her actual parents relationship.

Berga · 29/07/2024 10:50

Your new partner needs to mind their own business. How long have you been together? How long have you been out of your marriage?

You just gave your 9yo DD the impression that she is deserving of the comfort you provide by letting her sleep in your bed only until someone more important to you rocks up and wants to sleep in your bed. Imagine how that feels to your child.

Dancingmonkeyfeet · 29/07/2024 10:54

He needs to have more patience.

I have a little person who shares my bed and she would feel pushed out if she wasn’t allowed to all of a sudden. and don’t forget you allowed this as you got comfort out of it it too.

I’d say to him that you’ve listened to what he has said but you can’t deal with this using a sledge hammer and it needs patience.

OP I’d really think about this man with no kids giving you parenting advice about how to deal with a child who shares her mother’s bed after her family separating. He might not have the emotional maturity/intelligence going forward with other issues.

When I started dating I wouldn’t date childless men because kids do create issues and unless you’ve been a parent I don’t think they get it

Mumoftwo1316 · 29/07/2024 10:56

Does he often give patronising lectures about stuff he knows nothing about?

millymollymoomoo · 29/07/2024 10:57

Much too soon!

your daughter should not be having to deal with a new partner staying over

SonicTheHodgeheg · 29/07/2024 10:59

If your dd likes partner then I am not surprised that she’s acting up at bedtime - she has FOMO.

Your partner is being rude giving parenting advice when he’s not even a parent.

I parented like you post divorce (and have no regrets) but it’s not compatible with having a relationship because you’re basically wanting to be flexible with dd on weekdays but strict at weekends which wouldn’t be accepted by any child. I think that you need to decide what is more important - either send the partner home by bedtime and continue to be flexible with dd or have dd on a strict schedule every night because it’s unreasonable to expect her to only have flexibility on weekdays.

SonicTheHodgeheg · 29/07/2024 11:01

Would you want more kids in future? Take note that he thinks parenting is about boundaries and that you’d never be compatible as parents. You will be pissed off with each other for being the opposite type of parent and he will be annoyed at the child for preferring your child centred approach and think that it’s the reason for his methods not working.

Thatsnotmynose · 29/07/2024 11:02

The last thing your DD needs, when their family has gone through significant disruption is new bloke coming in and creating boundaries with her mum.

I would ditch the bloke in your shoes. He sounds needy and annoying at a time when you need to be focused on your dad's wellbeing

Original poster
Confuseddotcom99 · 29/07/2024 11:21

Mumoftwo1316 · 29/07/2024 10:56

Does he often give patronising lectures about stuff he knows nothing about?

Good point. I am thinking along these lines, but usually very good and supportive

OP posts:
Original poster
Confuseddotcom99 · 29/07/2024 11:22

SonicTheHodgeheg · 29/07/2024 11:01

Would you want more kids in future? Take note that he thinks parenting is about boundaries and that you’d never be compatible as parents. You will be pissed off with each other for being the opposite type of parent and he will be annoyed at the child for preferring your child centred approach and think that it’s the reason for his methods not working.

This is a really good point about general attitude and beliefs around pareting

OP posts:
Original poster
Confuseddotcom99 · 29/07/2024 11:22

SnowFrogJelly · 29/07/2024 10:47

Tbh I would be annoyed if new partner tried to tell me how to parent my child especially if they don't have any themselves..

Thank you. Yes, this has also been in my mind

OP posts:
Original poster
Confuseddotcom99 · 29/07/2024 11:23

SonicTheHodgeheg · 29/07/2024 10:59

If your dd likes partner then I am not surprised that she’s acting up at bedtime - she has FOMO.

Your partner is being rude giving parenting advice when he’s not even a parent.

I parented like you post divorce (and have no regrets) but it’s not compatible with having a relationship because you’re basically wanting to be flexible with dd on weekdays but strict at weekends which wouldn’t be accepted by any child. I think that you need to decide what is more important - either send the partner home by bedtime and continue to be flexible with dd or have dd on a strict schedule every night because it’s unreasonable to expect her to only have flexibility on weekdays.

All good points here

OP posts:
Original poster
Confuseddotcom99 · 29/07/2024 11:25

Megifer · 29/07/2024 10:50

Throw this one back IMO. If they already feel its fine for them to tell you how to parent when they are still very much just a boyfriend/girlfriend then it will only get worse if they move in.

You need to put your DD first. I think a kid playing up at bedtime only when a boyfriend/girlfriend stays over is their way of telling you they are not happy. And she needs you while she is just a silent observer to the break up of her actual parents relationship.

Good point

OP posts:
UpThePankhurst · 29/07/2024 11:25

Having been a child in this situation, and I was older than 9, I still vividly remember the anxiety at first of going to sleep with a stranger in the house. Particularly a stranger in my parent's bed. While they were very nice, they were my parent's trusted friend, not mine.

Gettingbysomehow · 29/07/2024 11:33

I'm nor surprised she's playing up, her whole life has been turned upside down. The divorce will have got to her, that's a huge thing for a child her age now her mother has a new partner and she's not allowed in bed with her mother when he's over.
There should not be any men over until well after the divorce is over and life is completely settled, preferably until she is in her teens.
I don't know what went on with your previous divorce but it was probably awful for her.

rainbowsparkle28 · 29/07/2024 11:37

SnowFrogJelly · 29/07/2024 10:47

Tbh I would be annoyed if new partner tried to tell me how to parent my child especially if they don't have any themselves..

This. Your partner doesn't have a right to tell you how to parent your child. Your child is the priority and he can like it or lump it.

WelcometoMyHovel · 29/07/2024 11:39

SnowFrogJelly · 29/07/2024 10:47

Tbh I would be annoyed if new partner tried to tell me how to parent my child especially if they don't have any themselves..

^this

Original poster
Confuseddotcom99 · 29/07/2024 11:39

UpThePankhurst · 29/07/2024 11:25

Having been a child in this situation, and I was older than 9, I still vividly remember the anxiety at first of going to sleep with a stranger in the house. Particularly a stranger in my parent's bed. While they were very nice, they were my parent's trusted friend, not mine.

Thank you for this. That has really hit home. Can I ask how things played out and if you have any advice?

OP posts:
UpThePankhurst · 29/07/2024 11:44

It took time to get to know my parent's new partner and to feel comfortable around them. It's easier in the day when you're all doing stuff together, but to close your eyes and feel safe enough to go to sleep with a stranger in the house takes time and experience for them to not be a stranger. It is very different to the comfort and safety and ability to let go all guards that you can with your parent.

TheShiningCarpet · 29/07/2024 11:47

This child does not feel safe at a very basic level in her body and in her home

please listen and act accordingly

Lacdulancelot · 29/07/2024 11:53

My dn, also 9, told his dm when she moved them in with a new dp, far too quickly.
You don’t know him mum and I don’t know him.

Dc can be very wise at times.

jannier · 29/07/2024 11:54

So your daughter usually sleeps with you but presumably not if he stays over.....she must feel you've pushed her out on his nights as you don't need her .. was it her needing her or the other way around?
I don't see how you can have a man stay over until you have a bed that is only yours. Work on that first then do his sleeping over.

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 29/07/2024 11:56

As someone whose 9 year old sounds pretty similar to yours and who, even without the difficulty of a divorce and new partner, also plays up at bedtime.... I absolutely understand how you feel and that it's hard to manage. Frankly, I also think my DD needs to be better about bedtime, but saying, "she needs more boundaries" is all very well and good but there's usually a complicated process that led to the situation as it is currently, and fixing it isn't as simple as "right, we'll do it differently now". Believe me, I know.

I'd also take it pretty badly if someone who is in my home and doesn't even have DC had such strong feelings about what I am choosing to do with my own DD.

LBFseBrom · 29/07/2024 12:04

You do not need this man and everything moved too quickly. Your daughter is more important.