My new partner thinks I have no boundaries at bedtime with 9 year old

[Confuseddotcom99]

Hi all,

Could really do with some advice. My 9 year old really played up at bedtime when my new partner stayed over. Went up at 8.30pm. Messing around, I read a her book, but then she kept saying she was scared / heard a noise and came in twice etc. A bit of crying - but loudly so I could hear. Eventually I had to stay with her until she went to sleep around 11pm.

I am going through a tricky divorce and have got into habit of letting my daughter sleep in bed with me. She likes the new partner and they get on well and we had a great time hanging out before this.

My new partner hasn't got kids and I guess doesn't understand how they can play up from time to time. New partner thinks that I need to put boundaries in place and be more strict at bedtime. I've always been relaxed about her coming into my bed. I want the relationship to work out.

I think I might feel guilty about having a new relationship (its been a year and they met my child first 6 months ago and its been very slow / gentle introduction). We don't live together so they stay over at weekends or the odd week night only.

I think they might have a different parenting style and that I am very aware of supporting my child through all of these changes and we are very close. I am probably a bit of a pushover but she's a great kid going through a lot and dealing with it very well.

Has anyone got any experience of this? What should I do? I don't want to screw up new relationship. I don't want my child to feel pushed out...

HELP! x

You need to slow down.

You are going through a divorce and you already have a new partner.

Your child clearly needs more of your attention than you seem able to give her.

You should be aware that single or soon to be single mothers and their children are very much seen as prey by some men.

This man with his opinions on how you should parent your own child has red flags all over him.

Please reconsider the relationship, and even if you're too invested in the new relationship to consider that he might be abusive or a predator, put your child first.

At age 9 I wouldn't expect to read to her or have to deal with silly behaviour about noise it's clear she was attention seeking and I can see why your partner may be frustrated

Well, same position here. DP had no experience with children and made similar, criticising comments about my then 9 year old.

It's extremely rude and annoying, shows ignorance and jealousy on their parts (very oedipal, these blokes), and they need to learn to grow up. I told him so and we argued a lot.

Am still with DP and he's learned not to criticise, DC goes to bed before 10 at least, bit better than it used to be, when DP's here, but mostly we see each other when DC is with my ex.

I've had to realise I can't have the home together I dreamed of. It's best kept separate until DC is an adult.

Too soon to introduce a new patner

I had all sorts of stupid ideas about boundaries with kids before I had one, because my main priority was my own comfort and other people's kids weren't mine.

What he wants is for your kid to conk out at 8pm so he's got you all to himself. I don't blame him for wanting that but it's hopelessly unrealistic and it's nothing to do with the right way to parent. She's not a toy to be put away at bedtime. She's a little person who wants different things from him. That doesn't mean no boundaries at bedtime but it does mean you set them according to what works for you and for her.

I think they might have a different parenting style

he is not a parent

he knows nothing about parenting

please don’t push your daughter out to placate this gimp

Your kid doesn't want this stranger in the house at bedtime,

Everyone critizing the man's comments because he doesn't have children are, imo, a bit off the mark
I agree and disagree with things in the post. I think she has brought a man into the her home far too soon, I think she needs firm bed time routines. The child is 9 and knows it's bedtime. I get there's change going on and it's my opinion that routines and boundaries should stay in place ( if they have ever been there, we don't know)
The bloke could be trying to get op to himself. However he could have been brought up with a lot of children around him and seen what works.

Just because OP is the mum doesn't mean she gets things right. I mean , she has brought the bloke into her home way too soon.
Just because he hasnt had kids doesnt mean he is wrong( again just my opinion)

Sorry, I shouldn't have assumed your DP is male!
I hope it works out, anyhow. It probably needs more time, as others have said, slowing down and letting your daughter express her feelings about the changes in her life.

"thinks that I need to put boundaries in place and be more strict at bedtime"

He's only just started staying over at yours and with no experience of kids is telling you to "be more Strict." Presumably so you have more time to focus on him.

He needs to wind his neck in.

I agree with the others saying that this is very confusing for your DD (and no wonder she is acting out a bit). Having been allowed to sleep with you, and suddenly getting the message that she can't and/or there is a stranger in her bed, must be very difficult. I'm not trying to scare you, but I am in this situation with my DD's other parent (admittedly, on a much accelerated timescale), and school, who are aware, pointed out that when a child expresses discomfort about their sleeping arrangements and a new, unrelated adult, it is a bit of a red flag.

If your new partner is a decent person, they'll understand if you explain that DD has effectively been kicked out of her bed, and you realise now that this has unsettled her.

If you explain and the response continues to be talk about boundaries and strictness, then I would be (at the very least) getting rather chilly and pointing out that it's hardly unusual for a child to find a new relationship hard, and someone who can't cope with that is not welcome.

You didn't mention when you and your stbx separated.

YANBU to support your daughter in this way and it is not for him to comment on the boundaries you have in place but it does sound like the current situation it’s compatible with a relationship.

I can see why he would query the point in coming over for the evening if you are in her room until 11pm. Is she likely to come in the bed at night if he is there? Are you okay with that?

Some thoughts in no particular order

• If your divorce is tricky, I wonder how long you’ve actually been apart and whether a new relationship has come onto the scene too quickly
• Six months before meeting the new bf and him sleeping over within the next six months does not sound like taking it slow, especially if the parental separation has been within the last three years
• A year before meeting and two years before a sleepover seems more reasonable esp with an obviously anxious kid
• Having a kid who still sleeps in your bed is obviously incompatible with having a sleepover relationship so you need to pick one

Do not subject your child to strangers staying over in her house, period.

You aren't even divorced yet??
She shouldn't be exposed to your men for years. Can't even imagine what you are thinking here.

I personally don’t think it’s ideal that a 9-year-old regularly sleeps in her mum’s bed and I can see why your partner thinks it’s a bit much - but so what? That’s none of my business and it’s not your partner’s business either. It’s really not up to them to decide on your parenting style. She’s your DD and she lives with you. Your partner is essentially a guest in the home you and your DD share and is overstepping by trying to tell you how you should manage her bedtimes.

I also think it’s really very, very obvious why your DD chose this particular night to be needy and difficult at bedtime. It’s great that she likes your partner, but that doesn’t mean that having them stay over and spend the night in your bed necessarily feels normal or comfortable to her. She used to go to sleep knowing that you were right there if she needed you in the night and that she could come and find you for anything she needed if she woke up scared/lonely/feeling ill/having wet the bed/whatever, and that you and you alone will comfort her. That’s suddenly changed for her now. However much she likes your partner, that doesn’t mean she’s comfortable with knowing he’ll be there in the bed she happens to want her mum. She’s known him for six months, not her whole life, and he’s your person, not hers. This a huge change for her and she’s bound to feel weird and anxious and confused about it - any kid her age would. It’s a bit of a red flag that your partner doesn’t seem to have thought of that, in my opinion.

For all we know, maybe you actually are a bit weak with boundaries or maybe you do baby your DD too much - obviously we don’t know you and can’t say, but it’s possible! But even if this is indeed the case in general, it’s shitty of your partner to decide that his first time staying over should be the time to discuss it. If your DD’s still doing this every night a year down the line, he might have a point, but for her to play up a bit during this particular period is totally understandable. This is actually the time to be cutting her a bit of slack, if anything.

I’ve assumed your partner’s a man because you didn’t correct anyone else who did - but if it’s a woman then everything I’ve said would still apply just as strongly.

I'm thinking you do need to set more boundaries with your daughter. Having your child in your bed is not a good idea.

In other words she does not like your know nothing new partner.

Put your child first

your daughter should not be having to deal with a new partner staying over

This!

Is cock more important to you than a vulnerable 9 year old daughter of your own flesh and blood?!

Wait till the teenage years start. And I say that as a solo mum of an adult - chilled - child.

I never had any man "staying over" while he was growing up.

Your kids always come first. End of.

I think this is a really valid point.

I'm also newly divorced and am in the early days of seeing someone new. I wouldn't plan to introduce them to DD for a long time anyway, but one of the factors on my mind is that since the separation DD (5) has slept in my bed (she always slept fine in her own bed pre-separation but became anxious). I do want to get her back into her own bed - for reasons other than having a romantic partner stay over - but I can see this is going to take a while to achieve. I'd hate it if the two things were conflated and she felt she was being pushed out to make way for the new partner.

I suppose that might mean any new relationship doesn't progress as I'd like, because not everyone will understand this, especially if they don't have kids themself.

Not his kid so he needs to butt out. All kids need support at bedtime at some point. And it’s not a case of “differing parenting styles” because, as you said, he’s not a parent, so he doesn’t know a god damn thing about actually parenting a kid, least of all one who’s gone through a big life change recently.

Your daughters more important than this tool

Going to go against the grain here.

If a child is disruptive and whingey you don’t need children to know that. When I had no children I knew which children fit into this category - now I have several of my own I would know which one was taking a lend and what was genuine.

Dont be so quick to bin him off because he found the behaviour annoying. If he’s not used to it, it is highly annoying! Yes she’s been through a lot and perhaps this sleepover was too soon, but I also think it’s important for you to be able to move on and have a relationship. I don’t know your age or circumstances but you needn’t be celibate for life, you’ve waited a year already and clearly aren’t irresponsible.

Wow. He is thinking only about himself and getting you to himself as quickly as possible. This has nothing to do with wishing to give you some much needed parental advice.

I still remember to this day the physical sickness and gut wrenching anxiety I felt when my mum introduced her new partner into the home. Having him stay over night was so traumatic I will never forget it. You have no idea what this can feel like for a child. I would absolutely have severe doubts about this one if he is happy to say this to you so quickly. He isn't even pretending to care. Can you just keep these two things separate? Your child and the guys? I say guys as hopefully you replace this one!

Hi
I am a big MN reader but rarely contribute unless there is a very one-sided response (in which I don't fully agree).
Predominantly one sided replies are fairly accurate in their assessment... even here all the responses have a nugget of truth or are fair enough ( especially that 9 year old is naturally wary of man in house / needs emotional support/ priority)

As somebody who had originally ruled out ever being in a relationship again, for the reasons mentioned above I.e not emotionally disturbing my child.
I came to realise that to be the best parent requires not necessarily PUTTING THE CHILD FIRST under every circumstance (which was my original school of thought) but PRIORITISING the child. This appears to be what you're doing - kudos.

I have been both the child in this scenario and the adult / one in your position. Both instances have turned out positively ie. My mother always made me know I was safe and would forego anything for me but I was also a bit miffed about her BF at the time.
My child has an amazing relationship with my DP and DP has helped me be a more structured parent (I initially used to bite back at him with the retort he doesn't have children and is unqualified etc. But like another commenter mentioned even before having children you can still observe behaviour and it's causes)

Please do not jettison your relationship or be fearmongered by the responses here.
You have sought advice and are taking it all on board and seem to be being responsible about it all.

My tuppence
-DP was completely correct in my instance.
I used to let DS sleep with me and was very flexible about bedtimes and when he nodded off etc.
It's really important to be strict about bedtimes. 1 for the child - structure and routine 2 for you to have free time to yourself , even if DP didn't exist it would be healthy .

• It is worth noting that the most likely perpetrator of SA is a mothers new partner. Grim but that's what the statistics say. I said this to my partner and have always been vigilant about child's safety. In your case it's even more crucial as she is a girl.

• The main thing is that ye communicate and are aligned. Often men are generally more hard-line than women in parenting. Maternal instinct etc. We are softer. That yin-yang is good for children but it's essential that ultimately ye are in agreement on the fundamentals.

I wouldn't necessarily be inclined to think he is overstepping the mark either it can be an indication that he wants to make sure the relationship is viable. That, should ye have children together they will be raised in a way that is liveable for him. There are too many people that have this approach that a man should just be happy with whatever crumbs of the relationship he gets . That's not really fair, especially when he's contending with restrictions imposed by a child that isn't biologically his.

Wishing you the best of luck and love to your family.