My new partner thinks I have no boundaries at bedtime with 9 year old

[Confuseddotcom99]

Hi all,

Could really do with some advice. My 9 year old really played up at bedtime when my new partner stayed over. Went up at 8.30pm. Messing around, I read a her book, but then she kept saying she was scared / heard a noise and came in twice etc. A bit of crying - but loudly so I could hear. Eventually I had to stay with her until she went to sleep around 11pm.

I am going through a tricky divorce and have got into habit of letting my daughter sleep in bed with me. She likes the new partner and they get on well and we had a great time hanging out before this.

My new partner hasn't got kids and I guess doesn't understand how they can play up from time to time. New partner thinks that I need to put boundaries in place and be more strict at bedtime. I've always been relaxed about her coming into my bed. I want the relationship to work out.

I think I might feel guilty about having a new relationship (its been a year and they met my child first 6 months ago and its been very slow / gentle introduction). We don't live together so they stay over at weekends or the odd week night only.

I think they might have a different parenting style and that I am very aware of supporting my child through all of these changes and we are very close. I am probably a bit of a pushover but she's a great kid going through a lot and dealing with it very well.

Has anyone got any experience of this? What should I do? I don't want to screw up new relationship. I don't want my child to feel pushed out...

HELP! x

Hi op,

your new partner should absolutely not say anything on your parenting to your daughter. She clearly feels aside and calls you to mark her territory and quite right doing so…

your kid, your priority.

Op, if he can’t get that. Shows no patience, no endurance then will he be a good parent? He needs to make her come first.

gentle hugs 🌺

I agree, from her point of view the bf has come into your lives to fill a gap that isn’t actually there. She has a daddy, she doesn’t need someone who clearly doesn’t like her much and probably shows it in lots of different ways, sighs, eyebrow raising, comments under his breath etc, you might not notice them, but sure as eggs is eggs your dd does. Why should she have to share her home with someone who is deliberately trying to change the things that she needs to do for comfort, having her mums attention, sleeping in her mums bed if she feels a bit lonely.

He clearly has no empathy with a child who has had her life ripped apart, put him back in the reject pile OP.

Put your daughter first. Think of it from her point of view. Her dad’s disappeared. She’s really secure with you then a stranger comes along and she can no longer snuggle up with you. Which one should you listen to? Don’t invite him again while she’s at home with you. Make it clear that you will parent her the way you think best

He sounds arrogant and controlling

I wish OP's would stop being gender-neutral because a lot of people just automatically assume the partner is a man and respond accordingly.

Anyway, your boundaries, or lack of, with regard to your child are no one else's business. But as you pointed out, you and new bf/gf have different parenting ideas so there will likely be conflict and resentment ahead. As this is a pretty new relationship, it won't be too difficult to end it. Try to get to know potential bf/gf's opinions on discipline and child rearing before you bring them into your child's life next time.

I think your partner doesn't need to be staying over. Your daughter needs you more than you need to sleep with your boyfriend.

☝️this

His nose is out of joint because instead of having your attention for the evening, you were settling your daughter until 11pm, so he thought he'd offer some advice....Can you have a parenting style when you're not a parent?

Why does he have to stay over when she is there? Why can't he just stay when she is with her dad?

Personally I think this is all way too much to soon.

@Alexaremovethenotifications hes only upset because he wants to get his leg over. He doesn’t give a toss about the child. His only motivation is getting op in bed alone.

This boyfriend doesn’t have children so he doesn’t have a ‘parenting style’. Tell him to pipe down or fuck off.

How new is this partner?

How soon after you started seeing them did they start to sleep over?

I assume you've checked Sarah's Law and Clare's law before you let the random
Man stay overnight in your home with your young daughter???

I think he just doesn’t want your DD around too much. He was probably glad when she went to bed then was peed off because he didn’t get your attention for the rest of the evening. I’d at least backpedal with this one.
it's ok saying he’s nice etc but he’s now showing his true colours.
Tread carefully.

Agree. Everything about this seems off to me. My brother doesn't have kids and when he and his GF see my kids they're both really strict and miserable with lots of "say please/be quiet etc" and eye rolling. Kids dread seeing them - yet with other adults they're chilled, lively, party folk.
If your new partner has already started telling you what to do with your poor DD he's getting too comfortable and overstepping his boundaries which will only get worse.
Your DD is more important and needs you to be solid unwavering on her side.
Tell the bloke to get knotted- he's a problem.

Shitty remark.

That’s a good point about the gender-neutral thing. I automatically assumed it was a man. Also, having a daughter suggests heterosexuality. The constant use of ‘my partner’ and ‘they’ suggests she’s gay. How much that matters, I don’t know 😀

I've been the child in this situation too. Mine was a very different dynamic though as there was DV and alcohol abuse.
Your home is your daughters safe space and it's vital that that stays the case. It's also important, in this day and age, to have all relevant checks done e.g. Claire's law.
DD is probably feeling insecure, her dad isn't living in the home any longer, she is getting used to it just being the two of you and now there is a new adult in the mix.
It's great that they get on, but, as silly as it sounds, there is a difference between night time and day time for a child.
As far as him making parenting comments, I'd nip that in the bud right away. He isn't her father, he isn't a parent and therefore doesn't get to pass remarks like that. If he doesn't like how you handle bedtime then he can always skip staying the night!

If they have an otherwise good relationship don't push it. He doesn't stay over when she's there. When she's older you can broach the subject with her again and see how she feels. Your child comes first. He has zero right to tell you how to parent. That would be a massive red flag for me. A good man would think about how this is impacting on a young child and be patient. That kind of man is a keeper. Yours sounds like one to get rid of to be honest.

From what you've written you appear to be doing everything you can to slowly introduce your DD to your boyfriend, but is there a way you can stay over at his place instead of him coming into your home? Maybe your DD views her home as her precious space with you. It's one thing him visiting during the day but staying the night is very different to a young child. Also, I think your boyfriend is out of order giving parenting advice. You do what you think is right for your DD and don't try and 'please' him. Think very carefully about your future with this guy - he should be respectful of your parenting style and also your DD's needs at a very difficult time in both your lives.

Hear hear!

Your child sounds like they're really struggling with the new transition of the divorce and then new partner. It is a lot for a child to take on, this the seeking healthy comfort from the person they need the most. However, your partner doesn't seem very sympathetic which is strange. Only because I feel a child's need must always come first. Your partner seems frustrated. I think a conversation and a revaluation of what YOU believe is right for your daughter and whether they are on board supporting your choice. It's healthy to set boundaries but are they your boundaries or your partners? This can invade on your own parenting style and possibly cause problems if your boundaries are not clear or challenged with partner.

Baffles me, once a partner gets comfortable how quickly they show themselves, consider this long term, how does it look? Will they be supportive or overbearing? What support or guidance are they offering?

Well said.

Your child comes before your desire to hook up. That ship has sailed. Don't be bringing men into her home until she's far older and only then if her MH is excellent.

I never understand why people are so desperate for yet another man in their bed that they fuck with the emotional health of their vulnerable children.

I think she was acting up/messing about. You probably should/could be more firm with her that bed means bed. Apart from being scared, her other excuses sound a bit "trying to stay up later".

BUT it's the holidays, not a school night.

Your partner was probably just a bit surprised that you weren't firmer with a nine year old who should know bed means bed. I think the phrase is everybody sucks here 😂.

Your kid probably should have gone to bed.
You probably should've been firmer.
Your partner probably should've kept his mouth shut.

But:
Your kid wanted to stay up.
You didn't feel a need to be anything but a loving Mum.
Your partner may have had a point.

Very well put. It takes a lot of time to gradually introduce a new partner to children. This all happened far too quickly.

Have I misunderstood something here, so many replies saying to soon, focused on "new partner" as if you have only just met him, I thought I'd read it was 1yr now with partner & that he met DD 6 months ago? So new partner in the sense of new since split from husband but not new as in just a few weeks in.

First don't get focused on the many posts saying, it's because she feels scared, yes it's a possibility, but as you say she likes him & she has now known him 6 mths - which 6 mths is a longer time for a younger person, than us grown ups, it's less likely fear. It could be fomo, it could be just the change of routine - which is more likely taking into account her sleeping in your bed, this could go on to create a fear if not handled thoughtfully.

I would suggest encouraging her independent sleeping when your partner isn't visiting, so she doesn't connect him to being the reason she can't sleep with mummy, then giving her a reason to begin to dislike him, or create a fear - imagine a child's mind "mummy loves him more than me" scenario.

Your partner not having children, will not understand how parenting isn't so black & white & the emotions felt as a parent around any issues. Remind yourself of this & know that all you can do is explain to him why she has slept in your bed, why you can't just simply say "no" explain why it's a process & how you will deal with it - the importance that DD does not see him as barrier in hers & yours relationship, or see him as more important than she. You can also explain to him, that you at this time, you don't feel he should be telling you how to parent, he is not her father, does not yet know her well enough & he does not have his own children to pull on any experience, this does not mean in the future, should you become long term, move in together etc, as you all know each other better, that he will never have a say (should that be your choice)
This is a really good time to gauge the type of person he really is, beyond the new partner honeymoon period where it's just about meeting up & having fun.

Back to the bedtime & any other changes that may come about as your relationship with your partner progresses, have a look at social stories. These are geared towards children with autism, but I have found many coping strategies for ASD, can work excellent for NTs too. Basically it's just a story you put together that breaks down a process, in your case, going to bed, in her own bed. You can use, words, pictures or photos, to do it, just do it in the way that you know will work best for you DD.

Hope it all works out for you

I think so too now - thank you