My new partner thinks I have no boundaries at bedtime with 9 year old

[Confuseddotcom99]

Hi all,

Could really do with some advice. My 9 year old really played up at bedtime when my new partner stayed over. Went up at 8.30pm. Messing around, I read a her book, but then she kept saying she was scared / heard a noise and came in twice etc. A bit of crying - but loudly so I could hear. Eventually I had to stay with her until she went to sleep around 11pm.

I am going through a tricky divorce and have got into habit of letting my daughter sleep in bed with me. She likes the new partner and they get on well and we had a great time hanging out before this.

My new partner hasn't got kids and I guess doesn't understand how they can play up from time to time. New partner thinks that I need to put boundaries in place and be more strict at bedtime. I've always been relaxed about her coming into my bed. I want the relationship to work out.

I think I might feel guilty about having a new relationship (its been a year and they met my child first 6 months ago and its been very slow / gentle introduction). We don't live together so they stay over at weekends or the odd week night only.

I think they might have a different parenting style and that I am very aware of supporting my child through all of these changes and we are very close. I am probably a bit of a pushover but she's a great kid going through a lot and dealing with it very well.

Has anyone got any experience of this? What should I do? I don't want to screw up new relationship. I don't want my child to feel pushed out...

HELP! x

Well, she’s hardly going to invite the 9 year old in to share the bed with her partner there, is she? So the child sleeping in own bed was a given as soon as it was agreed partner would stay over, regardless of behaviour.

You say you ‘want this new relationship to work out’ and don’t ‘want to ruin the relationship’ but you need to put your child first. It’s not what YOU want here. She’s no longer got her dad living in the house, has understandably got a little clingy and liked sharing a bed with you- only to be evicted for a strange man staying over. She has no power over these things in her life, you need to make sure the decisions you make have her best interests in mind.

He’s being a cheeky shit giving his opinion on your parenting. I would tell him no overnight stays and see how he responds- any petulance ditch him. Don’t alienate yourself from your child because you are desperate for a relationship with a man to work out.

Was this the first time new DP stayed over? In which case they need to understand that there will be plenty of more nights like this until DD gets used to a new adult being over. TBH it sounds, given you are still going through the divorce and exP is not long out of the picture, that DD is not ready for mummy’s new friends to stay yet.

I’d actually pull back on the sleepovers and keep them just for when DD is with her dad or away on school trips for the next year.

I was the child in this situation (except my DM was widowed not divorced). I would really really caution you about bringing someone into DD’s life who expresses “opinions” like this. To be frank, he does not have kids of his own so has no experience or perhaps even sympathy of the types of emotions and anxiety’s children can have. You are not even divorced yet OP so I would suggest keeping this relationship seperate from DD for the time being until you are sure if this is for the long term or not.

In my situation it caused a lot of trauma and upset having someone come into mine and my mums life who openly complained about how “soft” she was with me whereas in fact I was trying to deal with a major life event (losing my dad) and constantly being told I shouldn’t have any sleep issues or need comfort from my mum at night. I still remember it so clearly and it was incredibly hurtful and damaging.

I think they might have a different parenting style

Well quite, because he's not a parent. He hasn't got a kid & he hasn't got a style.

I'd be so put off by this laying down of what he thinks is the correct thing to happen, from a place of zero experience. It's very unattractive.

He’s got a different parenting style? He’s not a fucking parent and has NO IDEA what it’s like to put children to bed.

It’s like saying I’ve got a different cricketing style to the local batsman, when I’ve never played a game of cricket in my life.

Get rid of the new partner. That simple.

You are going through a divorce, your daughter is unsettled. Your new partner is being a dick and can't comprend why she might be playing up and upset at such a huge event. Hows this going to pan out in future? Not having kids isn't an excuse for this lack of comprehension and empathy. He wants you to prioritise him, not your daughter. You are actively doing this, because you are not automatically prioritising your daughter and you've come onto MN to sort out the problem.

The problem is an incapable new partner, far too soon.

Don't forget that you are not the only one going through the tricky divorce. Your DD is also. Your new boyfriend doesn't get to say how you parent.

He doesn't get to advise you on the bedtime routine you should adopt with your child, who understandably isn't happy about being kicked out of your bed where she's been accustomed to sleeping because he's in there instead.

You say you want this to work out with him. Why?

I'd focus on your DD, and what she needs and what is best for her. Yes, continue seeing him if you want, but show her the respect she's asking for in her own 9yo way, and give her some stability. Nothing good for your and your DD relationship will come of letting this play out as he would like it to.

I'm 50:50 tbh. On the one hand he shouldn't be telling you how to parent, but on the other hand I have a nine year old and there is zero chance he would get away with pulling that shit and staying up until 11pm.

To see it from the other side, if I met a guy whose 9 year old was pulling those shenanigans I would think he was an ineffectual person, see obvious trouble ahead, and politely run like the wind.

I’m sorry but letting a young kid be scared and cry like that is awful. And he sounds like a bit of an idealistic fool as a non-parent if he thinks you should just have more boundaries (not to mention his arrogance in advising on child rearing).

No - your child is dealing with a divorce, is young and frightened. Common sense tells you to put that child in bed with you.

You haven't really said anything else about him and how he is as a boyfriend. If I was the new boyfriend/girlfriend and I was visiting and it took a 9 year old all that time and high level of reaurrance to fall asleep in their own home and own bed unless ill or other particular need, I think I'd decide this isn't really the situation or relationship for me. I might not comment about parenting style or routines as it wouldn't be my place , but I think for him to have said something however annoying isn't that strange. I think you aren't compatible in stages of life, outlook or expectations. You deciding if you need to make changes to your routines and parenting style is kind if a bit of a continum and it's about what your child needs and then if/how a relationship can be added in. This is more than about just how he is.

For those saying about him having a different parenting style, I’m pretty sure most of us were brilliant parents and knew exactly how we would deal with parenting before we actually had children. I think it comes down to how he wants to accommodate a family into his life because there are plenty of people who are fantastic stepparents, adoptive or foster parents despite never being a biological parent.

Is it that you only make your child sleep alone when your partner stays? If so, I assume she isn't happy with that situation, getting turfed out for him.

I don’t think it takes a child psychologist to work out why your child might be feeling pushed out, suddenly replaced in the bed like that.

As for your new partner, he’s your boyfriend and he Needs to butt out.

Parenting advice from someone who isn’t a parent is basically a piss take.

I totally agree with this and your daughter's behaviour that your partner is criticising seems normal to me. Your partner clearly has no idea of what parenthood ( this isn't a criticism, he isn't a parent) involves. Most children will exhibit your daughter's actions at some time.
I raised my son on my own and was always very conscious of him feeling rejected. I would have felt distinctly uncomfortable letting a boyfriend stay over whilst my son was at home. I think you must thread very carefully. Your daughter will likely be feeling rejected if she is used to getting into your bed,
Wishing you well

Brilliant advice, based on your real life experience. My mum died when I was very young, I can't imagine having to deal with someone being brought in in her place.
I hope you have been able to heal

I agree with pp: too much, too soon. You need to end this relationship and focus on your daughter, who is having to deal with an awful lot right now.

I have been with dh for 12 years. He still doesn't give me parenting advice about my own dc. . Although they call him df. He is an excellent df to our joint dc and we share decisions there but ultimately he steps back from making any about mine... An arrangement that suits everyone..

I was about to say the same but I can see the OP has ignored everyone else who has pointed this out.
Poor kid, divorce not even finalised and mummy has a new fella in her bed.

Of course she’s playing up when you have a new boyfriend over to stay the night before you’re even divorced from the last one

How can he have a parenting style? Sorry but this would be ringing bells for me. He's already getting jealous of your child by the sounds of it.

I would annoyed at a partner telling me this abd would be wary of his intentions. Eg is he trying to shove dd out if the way and have you all to himself or is getting to be 11isg before you are getting adult time? If it's the latter I get him.

However I always had strong boundaries and routines at bedtime, especially if there was a lot of change happening. I liked to keep things consistent and I didn't encourage sleeping in same bed.
That said, I acknowledge people parent different, it was just consistency worked for me.

This has moved way too quickly and the fact that you think you’ve taken your time is worrying

IMO, 6 months is absolutely way, way too soon to be introducing a new partner to a child. She’s got to get used to her DF not living with her, let alone a new unrelated man.

I would chick this difficult guy back & concentrate on stabilising your DD.