My new partner thinks I have no boundaries at bedtime with 9 year old

[Confuseddotcom99]

Hi all,

Could really do with some advice. My 9 year old really played up at bedtime when my new partner stayed over. Went up at 8.30pm. Messing around, I read a her book, but then she kept saying she was scared / heard a noise and came in twice etc. A bit of crying - but loudly so I could hear. Eventually I had to stay with her until she went to sleep around 11pm.

I am going through a tricky divorce and have got into habit of letting my daughter sleep in bed with me. She likes the new partner and they get on well and we had a great time hanging out before this.

My new partner hasn't got kids and I guess doesn't understand how they can play up from time to time. New partner thinks that I need to put boundaries in place and be more strict at bedtime. I've always been relaxed about her coming into my bed. I want the relationship to work out.

I think I might feel guilty about having a new relationship (its been a year and they met my child first 6 months ago and its been very slow / gentle introduction). We don't live together so they stay over at weekends or the odd week night only.

I think they might have a different parenting style and that I am very aware of supporting my child through all of these changes and we are very close. I am probably a bit of a pushover but she's a great kid going through a lot and dealing with it very well.

Has anyone got any experience of this? What should I do? I don't want to screw up new relationship. I don't want my child to feel pushed out...

HELP! x

Sorry, OP, it’s too soon for him to stay over when your DD is there, and it’s a bad sign that he’s criticising your parenting.

Your daughter is telling you she is scared. Listen to her.

It doesn’t mean your partner is a bad man (although I would personally be questioning my choices of a boyfriend of 6 months thinking he has any say over my parenting style), but it does sound like it’s too much too soon.

You have what is essentially a stranger to your daughter staying over in your house. Imagine having a stranger in your house, feeling uneasy and frightened about it and not being able to do anything. I would at the very least halt the over night stays whilst your daughter is home.

I hated it when my mum had her new boyfriend staying over. I felt uneasy and anxious.

Never ever would I listen to a man telling me how to bring up my child whether he had his own children or not. If that was enough to threaten my relationship with him I’d like to think I’d end it and prioritise my daughter.

Its too early to play happy families. Since he doesn’t have children why not keep him as a lover, not a bf, and just have afternoons with him while she us elsewhere?

I don’t think she is the right age, and it sounds like the divorce is ongoing? To see you in a new relationship. It gives her the impression that mummies must always have a man.

Don't ignore that massive red flag he's showing you op!

My now dh first stayed over when my dc were 5 & 9. Dd asked if he would sleep downstairs because she felt 'funny about him being upstairs' He cheerfully slept on the sofa and continued to be guided by what made both dc feel comfortable.
This is what your dd needs and deserves. Don't settle for less.

You do need boundaries - but not with your dd - with your dp. You need to be clear that your dd comes first and his opinion on how to parent her is unwanted and inappropriate.

Two things, firstly, nine year olds often play up when you have visitors.

Secondly, it’s not up to him.

It is a balancing act.
All i would say is contuine to parent as you do your way.
Your partner can offer advice although if it works and is reasonable sure.
Make it work for you without to much change.
Most kids play up at bedtime.
He is not a parent which does not make his opinion any less but he has no one pulling at his heart strings as you being a mum does.

Your dd is trying to navigate feelings and emotions she doesn't understand yet. She May be feeling slightly displaced if she isn't allowed in your bed when he's there. He's also a stranger to her.

During the day, it will be fine. The night is when children's anxieties come out to play. It's when they stop, take a mental check over their day. That's emotions and feelings come bounding in. She needs you to help settle those new feelings and emotions. She is still very young. She's had a lot of change happen in her short life. She probably doesn't even have the vocabulary to effectively tell you how she's feeling yet.

Your bf sounds overbearing. He does not have children nor the experience to even comment on this.

Children of that age if mine is anything to go by, are experts at extending bed times, and utilising every delay tactic they have in their arsenal. It's completely normal. She's also at an age where bedtimes may need to be extended, and she is pushing boundaries (respectably by the sounds of it). It doesn't sound like she was "playing up" it sounds like she was acting age appropriately to extra stimulus, a still new situation and possibly not quite ready to settle in for the night.

Moving forward, I would ask him to respect your parenting and boundaries with your child. I would also try extending her bed time by 10-15 mins. In her room at her usual bed time but allowed to read, draw, journal her thoughts as a wind down until you come in for a final tuck in and lights out. Allow her to talk to you one on one at that point if she needs to, giving you both privacy to help settle her. She just needs to know she's not been replaced, she's loved and her mind and body very much need a good sleep. Obviously, this all doesn't need to be spoken. Actions and deeds will tell her everything she needs reaffirming.

This!
He needs to stop staying over

Thank you. Really good advice here

Maybe I'm old fashioned but I don't think it's appropriate at all for him to be staying over when she's there. It makes me feel a bit icky.

I think your daughter needs to come first in this situation OP.

Your boyfriend can stay over when she's at her dad's or grandparents.

The partner needs to mind their own business?
I guess they are good for paying for dining out and treats for the child.
The partner needs to be single.
How anyone can "date" anyone else with the hindrance of a child is beyond me.
(45, married, blissfully no children in my life).

I wouldn’t comment if I was the new partner but you say she was “messing around”, then repeatedly disrupted your evening until you gave in and slept in the room with her.

It sounds like she’s used to sharing the bed with you - and now doesn’t want to go back to sleeping on her own.

Personally I’d focus on her sleeping independently.

I find it quite odd that a 9 year old still shares a bed with a parent. That said, it's not your bf place to tell you how to parent.Just have him over when your daughter isn't there, it really is too soon after she had to adjust to her parent's split.

What a strange collection of comments. Did the OP say anything about the new partner paying for stuff for the child?
Loads of single parents date and successfully navigate the difficulties of that. Loads of child free people are OK with dating someone with kids. These fixed ideas about what is a 'hindrance' and what is 'blissful' are completely irrelevant to the OP.

1 year in, see each other a few times a week, it's not a partner, it's a boyfriend. So absolutely none of his business.

And do you know this person? Does he pay for dining out and treats for the kid? Even so these very average things do not mean he has a right to tell op, as just a boyfriend, how to parent.

Agree the boyfriend needs to be single now 🤣

I think it’s rude and inappropriate of him to comment on anything to do with parenting.

navigating a new relationship with a child is really hard and you really need someone understanding of that and super respectful and sensitive.

I’ve been seeing someone for 9 months and spend a fair bit of time with him and his son (11) including sleeping over as dp’s wife died and so his son is always with him.

i am always so conscious of the dynamic and always checking in how his ds is feeling about stuff, and we’ve dialled it back where needed as he comes first always.

I am a parent too and there are approaches he has to his ds which wouldn’t always be the same as mine but I don’t ever give parenting opinion or advice unless he asks me.

if what you had described had happened with us I’d be talking to dp about whether I shouldn’t stay over for a bit, not saying he needs firmer boundaries!

I think it’s also critical that you don’t have someone staying over in your bed until as a separate issue your dd sleeps independently in her own bed. As otherwise of course she will feel shoved out!

Being on the outside and looking at this from an objective view, your current set up probably isn’t that great for a new partner who presumably also wants to spend his evenings with you. However, equally, it’s a huge adjustment for your daughter and she doesn’t have the adult reserves behind her to necessarily be able to understand.

I think many parents let their child sleep with them when they need some extra reassurance or just enjoy the comfort of being close by (I know I am one of them) so I don’t think what you are currently doing is wrong.

Given you want the relationship with your new partner to work, but presumably it’s also important to you to prioritise your daughter, I wonder if you can try to find a compromise to make the nights he stays over something exciting rather than anxious. How about your three have an early movie night and then perhaps your daughter can go to bed and read a kindle or book for an hour or so, before knowing you will be up to give her another cuddle?

I genuinely wholeheartedly support yours or anyone's choice not to have children.

Minding your own business can go as far as not being in that relationship.

There are single parents are capable of having enough money to support a child, including dining out and treats, without a need for a partner. That's quite a mental leap you made there to support your own chosen lifestyle as the best.

You certainly don’t sound blissful 😄

Sorry to be blunt but your nine year old daughter needs the security of going to bed in her own home without her mum’s new boyfriend in the bed she often goes and gets into. Her needs should come first and that’s the bottom line. She is dealing with the trauma of family breakdown and needs security, feelings of safety and consistency. Your dating life needs to take a backseat to that. My parents split at a separate age and I am eternally grateful that my mum never subjected me to boyfriends staying over in our home. It was a hard and fast line that she enforced, no step dads or boyfriends in our house while we lived at home, and yes it was a sacrifice for herself but no little girl needs a (to her) random strange man down the corridor in her mum’s bed. That’s why she’s playing up. If you’re feeling ready and happy to date at this point in your divorce then that’s great for you but it should be kept entirely separate from your small child who is still dealing with her family breakdown. You feel you’ve taken it slowly but you’re coming at it from your own adult perspective. Listen to what her behaviour is telling you.

Nope. It's not his place to tell you how to parent. He's not even a parent himself. I personally wouldn't get into a relationship while going through a divorce. It sounds to me this is a bit much for your unsettled child. Throw him back.

I never have my partner stay when my children are here. It's their home, safe place. And whilst they enjoy his company I believe in maintaining clear boundaries for their emotional well being.

I would not have been happy sleeping with anyone other than family in my home and I provide the same for my children. My partner understands and appreciates my priorities as his poor children have had multiple "step" dads in their mothers.