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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Please help me to find the OW!

170 replies

NewDawnComing · 14/07/2024 08:08

Hi, I found out my husband has been seeing someone else since January. I was suspecting something was up and managed to login on his laptop last night and saw pictures of them together all over his gallery!! Anyway, I don’t want to confront him just yet because I want to find out a bit more about it all. I don’t know her name but I have pictures of her and wonder if there’s a way to image search her and try to find out who she is/her name/etc. He doesn’t have social media. No facebook, Instagram, nothing. I unfortunately cannot get to his phone/WhatsApp because he doesn’t leave the phone unattended for a second, and I also don’t know the password for it so it’d be useless even if he did.

Please mumneters help me to get to the bottom of this!!

And yes, ofc I’m leaving him!!

For context: We’ve been together for 21 years, married for 19, 2 pre teens kids and we’re on our early forties.

(I've obviously name changed to post this!)

OP posts:
MissMoneyFairy · 14/07/2024 08:12

She may not know he's married so confront him instead

Hazeby · 14/07/2024 08:12

What are you wanting to achieve though? You already know he’s unfaithful and you’ve decided to leave him. How will this help?

curious79 · 14/07/2024 08:12

This way lies hell- why do you want to know who it is? It won’t make any difference in the divorce. Judges don’t care.

Get a private investigator or put a tracker on his car if you want to DIY

roastedrapidly · 14/07/2024 08:19

I can understand why you want to know everything...who she is, where they met etc.

As long as he thinks you're unaware, and if you are able to carry on acting normal...you are in a position of power. You can do your research and get your admin & financial ducks in a row ready to leave him when you're ready.

Hopefully posters will come on here with some good ideas for sleuthing

Feelingmentallyunsettled · 14/07/2024 08:28

A horrible discovery for you OP.

Does it look as though these photos of them together were taken on one specific occasion? Or on various occasions over a period of time? Can you tell from the backgrounds where abouts they were taken. That might give you a starting place as to what your DH was supposed to be doing/ who he was supposed to be with at the time.

Having said that I actually agree with pp that going down the route of getting your financial position sorted and then confronting him is the best way to go. I'm sure information about this OW will emerge in time without you having to seek it out yourself.

Bobbotgegrinch · 14/07/2024 08:34

Why would you bother? You know he's cheating on you, you have all the evidence you need.

She's irrelevant.

LemonTT · 14/07/2024 08:34

roastedrapidly · 14/07/2024 08:19

I can understand why you want to know everything...who she is, where they met etc.

As long as he thinks you're unaware, and if you are able to carry on acting normal...you are in a position of power. You can do your research and get your admin & financial ducks in a row ready to leave him when you're ready.

Hopefully posters will come on here with some good ideas for sleuthing

If the OP was getting “her ducks in a row” that might be valid but as you describe in your first sentence she is going down a rabbit hole to find information which won’t change the fundamental. The marriage is over for her because of his infidelity. Its not dependent on who it is with. This screams avoidance and distraction.

If you can suppress the knowledge your husband has cheated and remain unemotional then feelings don’t run that deep. In reality the OP will be angry and that will leak. Making life uncomfortable for all in the household.

ItsOnlyJustBegun · 14/07/2024 08:35

I’d take a deep breath and think of yourself first. As you have said, you’ll be leaving him. Get everything sorted in terms of paperwork. Go and see a family lawyer and then confront him.

As someone has said, she may not know that he’s married. What are you going to achieve by finding her?

STBX deserves your anger 😡 but keep up the normal pretence until you’re ready to confront him.

Treacletreacle · 14/07/2024 08:35

I found out my x was having an affair with a woman who lived in the next street. She would see me leaving the house every day to take my children to school. What im trying to say is don't expect the woman to tell you the truth or anything in my case. I was just made out to be some crazy loon when i confronted her. I now have her drive past me with a smug grin on her face. Some women are fully aware of the situation. Like others have said if you can stay calm get all the other important things in place before you confront him. Good luck and im sorry you are experiencing this. Xx

Persiancouscous · 14/07/2024 08:36

She isn't the one married to you.

Redglitter · 14/07/2024 08:37

What do you hope to achieve by tracking her down. She might not know he's married as pp said but ultimately he's the one who's lied and cheated. Save your anger for him. If it hasn't been her it would have been someone else

ProvincialLady2024 · 14/07/2024 08:40

If you can work out when/where they are meeting - you can turn up to see for yourself.

Sandwichgen · 14/07/2024 08:42

If his work has a website, try looking through any ‘our team’ pictures. Or note female names and then search Facebook for them

Meadowfinch · 14/07/2024 08:43

Who she is, is totally irrelevant.

Your dh has lied, cheated and you're leaving him.

Why would you even bother with her? She may know he is married in which case she can boast at her ability to take your husband away from you, or if she doesn't know, she is not to blame. And she will find out soon enough what type of man she is with.

Better to divorce him calmly and with your dignity intact. Take your half of shared assets and build yourself a lovely life, no longer having to put up with his bad habits and his dishonesty.

Sandwichgen · 14/07/2024 08:44

For some reason, I am getting all my husband and dd’s texts at the moment because she messed up the sharing settings when priming her new phone. Could you engineer this situation on your phone?

BottomlessBrunch · 14/07/2024 08:44

Most of the responses above are definitely from people that this hasn't happened to.

If he doesn't have social media then work or his hobbies are likely to be somewhere that he and this woman have met.

As the poster above says look at the works page or at the pages of any hobbies/sports that he plays plus any Facebook pages linked to them.

Sandwichgen · 14/07/2024 08:46

Yep, and turn up to Amy matches / tournaments he might be playing in

Alicewinn · 14/07/2024 08:47

that sounds really awful I’m sorry. I like the way nobody is encouraging you to investigate the other woman further as no good will come of it. It feels protective, sending you 🌹❤️

BottomlessBrunch · 14/07/2024 08:48

Meadowdinch finding out who this woman is has absolutely no bearing on the op's dignity.

It's such a traumatic incident to happen to your life and a massive part of trying to understand and deal with the situation is to find out more. It's human nature.

If someone ran you over you'd want to know who the driver was - this is absolutely the same. It's so unbelievably awful infidelity the impact it has on your family. People who haven't been through it have no idea.

Highlighta · 14/07/2024 08:49

The OP isn't asking for opinions on whether to find out who this woman is. She wants to know and possibly needs to for her own sake. I completely get that you want to be armed with as much info as possible OP.

Do you recognise the setting in any of the photos? Does it seem like they work together? How did you find out about it? Does he have an iPhone or Android tracking activated so you can view where he has been?

Porageeater · 14/07/2024 08:51

I can totally understand the urge to want to know more information even if the reality is it doesn’t change anything. Knowledge is power. OP hasn’t actually said she intends to contact OW but it’s really up to her how she handles this. There will be apps/websites to search photos.

SinkingFeelingSoph · 14/07/2024 09:00

I’m so sorry. Just awful.

I would perhaps make a fake online dating profile and go on Tinder (most obvious one), set your parameters very close and to his age group. Check he’s not sneakily on there… although he may have deleted his profile after meeting someone (although they typically leave it there). Or if wanting to find her, make a fake profile as a man and search women.

Any friends who can follow him?

Does he have an iPad or computer linked to his phone you could use and check if his messages are synced to that too?

You can download Google reverse image search but I haven’t found it very good for people…

Have you tried the usual Google image search?

inlandriverview · 14/07/2024 09:07

Yes you can google search images...thats a good start

LizzeyBenett · 14/07/2024 09:10

Never mind did I g out who she is before you confront him make sure you have everything you need sort out money etc move things around if you need to. If he has photos of them it's not just a fling and the minute you confront him he could be gone out the door . I would seek legal advice and have your ducks in a row before he knows what hit him

Choochoo21 · 14/07/2024 09:14

You can do a reverse google search of an image but it may not come back with anything unless her SM is public.

I was suspecting something was up and managed to login on his laptop last night and saw pictures of them together all over his gallery!!

Were these pictures of them cuddling up and kissing etc or do they look like 2 friends just out at a gallery?

If they were obviously in a relationship, then I’d confront him straight away.

If there’s a chance they could be just friends/say they are, then I would do more digging.

How did you see the photos?

Were you looking for proof it has it come as a shock?