Please help me to find the OW!

[NewDawnComing]

Hi, I found out my husband has been seeing someone else since January. I was suspecting something was up and managed to login on his laptop last night and saw pictures of them together all over his gallery!! Anyway, I don’t want to confront him just yet because I want to find out a bit more about it all. I don’t know her name but I have pictures of her and wonder if there’s a way to image search her and try to find out who she is/her name/etc. He doesn’t have social media. No facebook, Instagram, nothing. I unfortunately cannot get to his phone/WhatsApp because he doesn’t leave the phone unattended for a second, and I also don’t know the password for it so it’d be useless even if he did.

Please mumneters help me to get to the bottom of this!!

And yes, ofc I’m leaving him!!

For context: We’ve been together for 21 years, married for 19, 2 pre teens kids and we’re on our early forties.

(I've obviously name changed to post this!)

Putting aside whether you should or shouldn't be doing this - it's your choice. I know I would be wanting answers, but brace yourself for revelations and denials.

If you decide to investigate the photos:

Are they in work/business clothes, which he usually only wears for work, in a business environment? Then it's likely to be a colleague. The company website may have headshots of employees.

Has he been away recently for work? Are they in surroundings that fit where he was? Then he may have met someone there, or again, a colleague. The company website & socials may have pics from the same event.

Does he have hobbies, do sports? Are they in golf, walking, amateur theatre costume etc gear? Then this is someone he's met through that thing. Checkout their website & socials.

Say you'd love to do more interests with him and go along to the next one. Watch his face.

Do you know his colleagues, other people who go to the hobby or sport? You could copy the photos, take him out of them and enquire with them if they recognise her, as you have an important message for her.

Then you can see if she has social media, check her pictures, see if he's there. Be very careful what you say to her, but let her know there are a wife, young children and a home at stake. She may or may not know.

Or ... you could simply say to him 'I noticed a lot of pictures of a particular woman on your gallery and I wondered who she is.' Again, watch his face.

Then be aware you may not really know your husband.

All the best.

Google lens the photo if she has a profile on the internet it will come up. Although in my opinion it's irrelevant who she is and you may end up feeling worse for knowing.

It's an iPhone and his photos/messages are synced with the laptop. WhatsApp unfortunately isn't. He doesn't know that I know the laptop password. I waited until I was alone and logged in. I was looking for a picture of mine and when I opened the photos app there were him and her on various occasions. Definitely not a friend. No kissing pics but cuddling/hugging and having fun. They've been on days out in London when he told me he was there for a work training. He also took her to Cambridge, to the Botanic garden which is a special place we used to go together. I'm not trying to find her out to talk to her, it isn't her fault whether she knows about his situation or not. She doesn't own me anything, he does. I want to know because I want to know where she came from and into his life. I want answers and I know he'll lie.

Just seen your update OP.
I can only imagine how upsetting seeing those photos must have been.
That's a horrible betrayal of you and your whole relationship.

What a shitty discovery to have to make :(

Right now, I would focus solely on splitting from your husband in a way that benefits you the most, see a solicitor, get financial advise, find somewhere else to live etc. etc. this should take precedence over who she is, however I would want to have some more information on his affair so that when you confront him and tell him you're leaving you have him bang to rights and he can't weasel out of it!

Start another thread asking for practical advise on separation, so many women on here have been through it and are experts.

Good luck OP 💐

My exH was also uncreative and took OW to all our places as our relationship was ending- on our shared credit card when I see bills.

We did a backpack around Asia and they did the same trip together years later. I'm convinced she wanted that to overwrite his memories of me. Their anniversary posts are clear overlap which may as well celebrate infidelity. And their ring tattoos when he was still legally married to me are disgusting.

The more you know, the more annoyed you'll be. Trust me, digging doesn't help and will just piss you off.

Although in my case it wasn't digging so much as broadcasting to our family and friends!

Bin the man. He's not worth the headspace. Big hugs to you.

OK. Here's what I did.

I copied the pictures and some written stuff that confirmed his head had indeed been turned, by someone I also knew.

Then that evening when we were comfortable, quietly and calmly said we need to talk. I've noticed changes in your manner, habits, behaviour, everything, recently. These pictures explain why. Please will you tell me the situation.

I was ready and prepared for the conversation, he of course wasn't. I watched his face, body language, listened to his tone of voice, manner of speaking. They said more than the stumbling words.

We actually got through it. In our case it was a much younger woman who reminded him of his youth, who he'd been around a lot while I was elsewhere. I don't for a minute think there was anything in it, but I did ensure he knew if his head, heart and mind were elsewhere that he was free to go. I think this dose of reality worked.

She moved away, we moved on. I found later she had had the same effect on a friend's husband.

Your story may be different, but I would want to know, to allow me to plan for the reality of the future.

https://uk.pcmag.com/mobile-phones/71657/how-to-do-a-reverse-image-search-from-your-phone

Use this or another site to do a reverse image search.

From what you’ve said, does it seem likely she’s someone from work? If so, I’d look at staffing on their website first.

From the pictures you’ve described then there is absolutely no way he can deny it or claim they are just colleagues etc.

I would save them to your computer and buy a USB stick and have a back up of them on it that you don’t tell him about (incase he manages to delete them from your laptop).

Then just confront him.

You can ask him questions, he obviously won’t be fully truthful but you may get some bits that are half truths that may help you.

The longer you leave it, the more chance he will realise that you can see the photos and give him time to think of an excuse.

I would try and get the kids to have a sleep over somewhere or arrange to go for dinner with him but park up somewhere to talk instead.
Then just confront him and there will be no time for him to come up with a good lie.

I would do exactly the same. Partly because you want to have as much fun information as possible for when you confront him so he can't twist out if the truth.

It sounds like they have been doing day trips together so maybe dating app seems most likely and if so it's not likely she knows about his wife and kids.

Can you see if he is wearing a wedding ring in the photos? That would be a clear indication if she is innocent in this or not and pretty damning for any future confrontation.

Can you not get access to his phone at all? What about in the middle of the night while he is sleeping? Just to get a look at any dating apps he might have to help narrow it down.

Unless he has hobbies, someone from work is the most likely option. Sneaking around is easier when it can be covered up with what appears like genuine work reasons to both the wife and the husband’s employer.
You need to get legal advice re: finances & DCs as a priority.
Finding out details of the affair makes no difference to the separation arrangements but it is a step in the grief process. Try not to get too obsessed with it though as you are unlikely to know everything & that would perhaps be unhelpful.
Bank statements can be useful re: where they have gone. This was easier when people still got paper copies.
Make sure you talk to people in IRL & carefully choose these people. If you can, have counselling.
This is an awful situation but you will get through it. He isn’t the man you thought he was & you are better off without him. It may take a while to get to that point but it is true.
Be kind to yourself & good luck 🤗

I hope you took screenshots or sent the photos to someplace safe.

Focus on getting good legal advice and starting to protect yourself for moving forward without him.

If his laptop is synced, can you go to the Apple payments/subscriptions there? I think apps like Bumble and Tinder etc (if he’s got a paid sub, may not) will show up there

I can understand your anger and frustration, but channel that into something useful. Instead of researching her, research: Bank statements, pension information, savings accounts, passports, shit hot lawyer, etc

I can only get to the laptop again in the evening but will for sure and then try some of the suggestions here. Thank you a lot!
Google lens can't find her with the pics I got which are possible selfies she too for him only, but I'll get more of the others in the photo Vallarta that look like they could've been posted online and try again. Will check the subscriptions too. Don't worry about me, I'm fine, it might be the shock but I don't feel a thing of sadness, I'm not crying or anything like that. I want to get it sorted and want to know the full story, just that. My blood is rushing, it's probably adrenaline, but I'm acting as normal. I'm a very calm person by nature and very well controlled emotionally, this won't break me. I can't believe he was stupid enough to take pictures of themselves and save them to his phone. Men are a joke!

*photo gallery!

I've been in your position (as have many). I completely understand the need for all the info. If anyone lies to you it's natural to want to counteract that with the truth.
If that wasn't a natural human trait then we would all turn off the telly five minutes before the end!

Do you have support in real life, OP?

I have support, yes, thankfully! I also am financially independent from him, I work full time in a busy industry with a very stable career.

Brilliant, OP. You will be okay. Xxx

@NewDawnComing for those posters stating that it doesn’t matter who the other woman is..life is not that black and white when it is your life that has been blown up. It is easy to be objective when this isn’t happening to you. And if this was happening to you, I can bet my bottom dollar one of your first questions would be ‘who is she?’ The OP is human, with real raw feelings, she is in a state of shock, perhaps not thinking clearly, she is grieving, this is her whole life, her family, home, her person..it’s perfectly natural that she has questions about who this woman is, natural that this might be the first question..practicalities usually don’t happen immediately in these type of scenarios, getting ducks in a row can come later and that is perfectly ok. Let the OP have her feelings for now.

My ex did that too. Took OW to a place which was really a special place to me. It's like they have no imagination which really doesn't help matters at all.

Chances are they work together. Has he had mentionitis of anyone recently?

Can you do a Google image search? I
dont know but I’ve seen young people do it. I assume you copy the image or save it somewhere, then paste it into Google. No IT whiz me..

Can you access email on the laptop? Also, try and go onto Facebook and Instagram etc and anything else he could have a secret account for and the passwords might be saved!

OP you sound like a very strong, independent woman.

This man has thrown away possibly the best thing he’s ever had.
What a fool.