Please help me to find the OW!

[NewDawnComing]

Hi, I found out my husband has been seeing someone else since January. I was suspecting something was up and managed to login on his laptop last night and saw pictures of them together all over his gallery!! Anyway, I don’t want to confront him just yet because I want to find out a bit more about it all. I don’t know her name but I have pictures of her and wonder if there’s a way to image search her and try to find out who she is/her name/etc. He doesn’t have social media. No facebook, Instagram, nothing. I unfortunately cannot get to his phone/WhatsApp because he doesn’t leave the phone unattended for a second, and I also don’t know the password for it so it’d be useless even if he did.

Please mumneters help me to get to the bottom of this!!

And yes, ofc I’m leaving him!!

For context: We’ve been together for 21 years, married for 19, 2 pre teens kids and we’re on our early forties.

(I've obviously name changed to post this!)

tineye

Is he on Facebook? Can you look at his friends list? That’s how I found the woman my ex was having an affair with as I knew they first got in contact on facebook. Has he mentioned any names recently? Could it be someone he works with? Could try searching the company on LinkedIn

My ex’s cf mistress gave him a LinkedIn recommendation while they were cheating.

Be prepared for secret emails and social media accounts. He may have saved passwords and logins to his devices but I’m not sure if you can access them without faceID and passwords.

I found mistress’s name by looking at the friends lists of ex’s work colleagues. His LinkedIn gave me lots of people to try and it wasn’t long before Facebook gave me a name.

Wow you are calm and I'm here for it.
Continue to stay calm don't let on. Do what's been suggested. If I was you I would want to know who she was too.

Google image search may throw something up?

Does he work for a company which puts everyone’s profiles on the website?

Does he belong to any clubs which have social media? She may be in the photos.

I don't think you need to find this other woman I think you'd be better off sending those pics to your phone for evidence and id be confronting him now about it.

I want to know where she came from and into his life

Exactly zero of that is helpful to you. You know he's cheating so focus your energy on preparing for divorce.

MaidofAle it doesn't matter if it's not helpful we're not robots it's just something you need to know to try and make sense of it all.

Was she a colleague and therefore an affair that developed slowly over time? Or was she the result of secret online dating profile and has he been a serial cheat for long periods of time.

It shakes the literal foundations of your life and makes you look at all the past in a different light - was he happy at this point? What changed? Was he deliberately looking elsewhere? Was it something that 'just happened'? The end result is ultimately the same and the OP wants a divorce but I can't tell you how much you have the need to try and understand what led to this point.

He’s not divorcing now, as you’ve not spoken to him. You’re just focused on secretly finding out about her.

honestly if you want to stay. Stay. It’s your life, many do. But pretending you don’t know like this is often the backbone of I’m going to stay with him.

I found messages on ex fone. He started to not come home at the weekends too, so did a bit of digging and found out who she was and discovered I knew her too and that the same was done to her. So I waited til the next sat night he again didn't come home and took my chances and went to her house the next day and there was his car, took my baby in my arms and walked on into her house and there they both were cuddled up on the sofa like rabbits in headlights 🤣 she went and locked herself In another room while we had it out. Over there and then. Some of us just need that proof to be able to move on and they done me a favour.

@Bringitonnowibeg 😱😱

Agree. Catching them at it means a short, sharp, swift ending

So, I logged in again last night and found his mistress… got her name, number etc. Saved it all in a pendrive together with their photos and everything related I could find.
He’s in the office all day today, so I’ll have that talk in the evening after the kids go to bed.
For those who are curious, when I revisited the photos I found a cropped image from a WhatsApp chat, so I restored it to the original and there it was the full chat print in all its glory with her name at the top. From that I went to his contacts and got her info and where she’s from. I also found a print of his dating app profile (print from January).
Putting it all together: she’s from our hometown. His parents still live there and he went to stay with them for a few weeks in January to support his mum who was very ill and depressed and needing some help. They met there probably through the dating app (their first pics location is there). Then they obviously kept in touch and she’s been travelling to meet him since. The print I restored confirms one of these encounters and they talk about been a long wait since last time and etc.
I think they are planning some trip to Madrid as I also found prints of flights search to there, so looks like he’s fully on with this woman.
I have all I need now so will have my turn later today.
I’ll come back with another and probably final update later.
Thank you!

This sounds like an insane stalker, if it was aman doing the police would be called

Of course OP wants to know who it is.
I wanted to know the other properties my XH had bought on the sly (even though it did not make a difference to the divorce, where I live)

As others have said knowledge is power and can lead to an overall picture and help with the healing process greatly.

STBXHs think we are stupid. It helps to be completely in the loop. Makes THEM feel stupid. We can move on peacefully.

No it doesn't. It sounds like someone wanting to know what's going on in their marriage..

Why would the police be called?

@NewDawnComing firstly, I’m so sorry. That’s a LOT to hold. Am sure the adrenalin is keeping you going.

Also, really well done on all your excellent research. Please ignore any stalking comments. You have a right to know and protect yourself. CLEARLY he’s in the wrong, not you, and you have done the right thing.

Sending hugs and strength!

I'm sorry you are going through this, I hope you go on to have a better life without him.

Also OP, did the chat reveal that she knows he’s married?

The police would not be called over a woman or man restoring a cropped picture. Give over 😂

Good for you OP. You're a better woman than me, make sure you keep separate documents and copies of everything. Hell try to spin it that he just met her very soon after you ‘left him’ you’ll need to be able to prove you had no other choice and his cheating was the catalyst for you leaving.

Don’t let him empty any accounts either. Get your half first.

Proud of you OP

Don’t be daft.

I understand the need to know everything, when it started etc for your own piece of mind. Things might start to make sense now that wouldn't have before.

Cool, calm collected when speaking to him.

Just make sure you have mortgage ( if applicable ) pension, bank statements etc in your possession so you are aware of what you are entitled to when you divorce.

Good luck OP.

Make sure you are prepared before you confront. Move any finances you need to, have the kids away and have a friend or support waiting to come over/answer the phone for support.

I would be tempted to contact ow first. She may not know and will be more likely to tell you the truth. She will of course give him the heads up you know whether by dumping him or saying their cover is blown. Be prepared to never get the answers though. If you can sit with the uncertainty of not knowing the truth it will pass and things will be easier. I am sorry you are going through this. Chump Lady is a good support website and social media group for people who have been betrayed. They see cheating for what it is. Abuse.

Don't forget to book an STI test too