Things I've noticed since the divorce

[TheWestfoldFell]

1. My house (I managed to buy a little home) is much cleaner and tidier despite the ikea boxes

2. I spend a lot less money on groceries AND my work lunches come out of this

3. my kids are a lot more chatty and animated when they are with me (50/50)

4. he's a narc

Just to add a big up to the non/married with children too, as it’s can be even harder to leave given the absurd lack of cohabitation rights in the UK. Ie no spousal support, no division of assets if they were in his name, no chunk of pension promised to you etc!

It is possible and worth your mental health. My ex dropped in for 5 mins this morning for handover and caused utter chaos - questioning what was in the hallway, etc etc and had DC in tears. Made me remember why I’m doing this

Love this thread.

For all of those who have ditched the toxic men...how do you cope with the coparenting. And the fact that you are never truly free of them if you have kids?

I'm also really hoping to get to the day when my Friday nights are not about all of us being subjected to Spectator TV and the sound of Jacob Rees Mogg and his mates on the only TV in the house, while I sit out of the way having to watch the tennis on my phone.

To add to my list

1. not cleaning puddles of piss off the bathroom floor & being shouted at for pointing it out

2. no more resentment for being the only one to tidy up/cook/food shop etc

as for the in laws, he lost his parents in all this. He tried to give them an ultimatum to stop talking to me & help out with the dog. And they said no chance. They also said they would never forgive him for the way he treated me. Me on the other hand still have a relationship with them.

I just feel more for my dad who paid for the wedding & we were only married 5 years!

@soberfabulous I read on here about parallel parenting where so long as kids are safe you expect nothing (do all the important stuff, as usual) and just leave them to it bar arranging handovers etc. Minimal interaction by text/email (my ex was abusive so less chance of manipulative “misunderstanding” if it’s written down) to reduce having to deal with them to the bare essentials. It’s not always easy but it’s a lot easier than still being married to him, for me and DC.

This is what I dream of:
Not having to base our mood on what mood he is in.

Not being spoken down to and criticised the whole time especially in regard to my parenting.

The kids living in a peaceful and happy home.

Having my own house where I can choose the furniture and can get the kids the trampoline they want and me amongst alot of things the Alexa that he has banned me from getting as it listens to his conversations.

Not having to watch whatever he wants to on TV every night. Most likely another crime drama/film. Even though he can't stand the police.

Not having to move the dining rooms chairs back to the table at every meal time as they are in his way when they are round the table?

Not worrying about what treasured possession of the kids he's going to throw away next. Or what he may break next (because it was left in the way of during an anger outburst).

Not having to worry when the next anger outburst is coming.

Being able to positive parent my kids without being told it's hippy parenting and what do people who teach about it really know about it.

Not being disagreed with on everything even when it is common sense what I am saying.

Family days out without them being ruined by him being angry and fed up with the kids.

Being in a house by myself (he works from home 5 days a week).

Not having to think why am I doing everything when there is another adult in the house.

Not having to sleep next time him in bed, asking me for a cuddles when he's just been horrible to me and the kids all day long and then moaning I don't want to touch him.

No more listening to him moaning when he (on the rare occasion) unloads the dishwasher.

No more being told I'm not doing enough and he is doing too much. Even though the only two things he does round the house is vacuum the living room (just the living room!) and every now and again empties the dishwasher.

No more being told I'm disorganised and that's why I have no time.

No more being told I should work less and I am causing the kids distress by working so much.

@Whattosay0 I guess you already know this is out and out abuse?

A better life is possible 💐

I do 😭. I'm getting help and working on a plan.

Not being asked what time exactly I'll be back from places and a rough time not being good enough.

Not being commented on 'oh you're on your phone again' or 'oh your working again in the evening' when he wont do any childcare to help me out.

Not being shouted at when the kids wake him up even though I'm the one that gets up at 5am every day and am shattered.

The negativity he brings every single day.

Possibly having a day for myself. Or even a lie in if he looks after the kids. But not looking hopeful that he'd be able to cope with them.

@Whattosay0 we could be the same person.
i get ‘mummy is on tik tok again’ if i ever touch my phone (i wouldn’t even know how to use tiktok)

if i pick my son up 5-10 minutes later than usual from nursery (because of train delays) i get screenshots from the Nursery app and question marks

i am always told that i am a ‘shirker’ and that i try and get out of doing anything but he takes our son to Nursery 3 out of 4 times a week and does nothing else (no bath times, no bed times, no cooking, no cleaning - except occasional hoovering, no shopping, no appointments, no nursery pick ups, no organising events, no dentists or doctors)

He was out work for ages (2-3 years) and so he would look after our son if he was ill (which thankfully wasn’t often) and off Nursery (he was in Nursery as he said he couldn’t look for a job and look after our son during the day). Now we’re both working he says that i now have to cover all sick days as i owe him.

I get up at 5.30 on weekdays as i do disrupted hrs at work to be back for pick up (he works normal office hrs). I don’t think i’ve ever not got my son up and given him breakfast.

oh and the ‘hippy parenting’ thing - ALL the time! I parent ‘like a moron’ apparently

sending you lots of love and strength 💐

@WingingItFTM @Whattosay0

Please look up a writer on Facebook called Zawn. She really helped open my eyes to the unfair misogyny in my situation (and yours), the abuse and stealing of your time while they ringfence theirs

This hasn't been easy for me, my H was controlling it was never going to run smoothly. I basically blocked him on everything and only communicate via email. If something is urgent regarding the kids I call him. When he has the kids I unblock him until they come home.. it seems to work well. You'll never be free of them entirely (having kids together) but limiting the contact is the best option. It really helps to free your mind!

10 weeks post separation of 18 year relationship 12 yr marriage

I feel like a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders and they are a lot less tense actually 🤣

one less (Man) child to think about 🤣

No more toxicity and negativity over anything I want to do in the house or places I want to go to.

No more deflecting, projecting and gaslighting.

No more being told I’m being dramatic when I’m ill or when I had a breakdown/burnout 😭

No more being told he pays all the bills (so he can basically sit on his ass watching tv when he’s not at work, while I run around doing everything.)

No more being blamed if the kids hurt themselves because “you weren’t watching them”

No more being accused of not watching the kids if I did a ten minute YouTube workout 🤣

No more negative comments on my parenting even though I did the lions share of absolutely everything.

No more being told that I only want to label our undiagnosed Asd/adhd daughter and that people do this to get money. I was threatened with divorce if I went down the road of getting her “tested” and it came back she was “normal” 🤣 like it’s that quick and easy 🤷🏻‍♀️

No more being lied to all the time.

No more comments about how I have loads of time to do stuff because when I’m home I do nothing 🤣

No more him saying he’s joking when he makes any comment that I call him out on 🙄

No more manipulation and emotional blackmail

No more snoring, farting, beard hairs in sink or bath, work boots blocking the front door 🙄 stinking work clothes of oil/diesel etc.

No more listening to him throw jugs of water down the toilet after he’d been sat on it for 40 minutes because he can’t be bothered to actually clean his skidders 🙄

No more massive heap of clean clothes on the ottoman that he can’t be bothered to put away.

No more listening to excuse after excuse as to why he couldn’t do this or couldn’t do that 🙄

No more being moaned at for putting Xmas decs up “too early” even though I did it all and he didn’t have to lift a finger 🙄 we all called him the Grinch the last few years.

I was looking forward to Xmas morning without his grumpy face watching the kids opening all the presents that I went and bought and wrapped without his help 🙄 but he will probably want to be here too 😞

No more being told I should go food shopping more often when we run out of something or don’t have something 🙄

No more being told I am lazy for wanting some me time even though I did everything and parented a child with challenging behaviour and worked part time and did our elderly neighbours shopping, I did all the painting and wallpapering.

No more being told we can’t have pets.

No more trying to control when planning something e.g a party where I said I’d do the food myself as me and the kids have allergies so wanted to do food we could all eat. He wanted to pay for a caterer 🙄 but he wouldn’t lift a finger to help practically he just threw money at everything.

No more being sent to buy him some clothes because “you like shopping” 🙄

No more us all fighting to use the bathroom cos he was sat there for 45 minutes crapping, then shaving then showering for another 15-20 minutes 🙄

The house is cleaner, calmer, tidier, happier and more relaxed ☺️

Not being allowed to do anything other than watch TV on the evenings as for example if I'm tidying the kitchen, making the kids bday cake or doing some life admin, apparently me 'buzzing' around means he can't watch TV.

On the VERY rate occasion I ask him to pick kids up. Think once a month. I've stitched him up. He may have something he wanted to do like go to the shops (even though I do all the food shopping).

He works half a day and tells other people it's great as he can be flexible with the kids! But he never ever picks up the kids or takes them to school.

Not having to see his own breakfast bowl washed up whilst he leaves the rest on the side and has a go when I run out of time to put the kids and mine in the dishwasher. Despite me getting up every morning with them. At the moment at 5am and making them breakfast and getting them dressed everyday whilst he lies in bed.

Not listening to his saying how much annual leave he has left at the end of the year when he won't book time off work during school holidays as he's not babysitting whist I work.

Not being the one to pay for every holiday and then he ruins every holiday.

Not being told that the TV is his as he bought it so he gets to choose what all of us watch. And turning it off half way through my son playing something.
b
Me and the kids not being desperate for the toilet whilst he spends ages in there doing God knows what.

Yahoo Mail: Search, Organize, Conquer

It is crazy. It's like these men all have the same handbook.

Oh yes I'm told I'm disorganised all the time as I say I have no time for the inane tasks he keeps listed for me to do. Whereas he spends every afternoon playing playstation or watching YouTube when he should be working.

Oh the odd occasion I ask him to pick up the kids I've stitched him up.

Why couldn't I haven't found someone who wants to spend time with their kids.

I know i do everything too. I literally feel like he's watching me go slowly crazy as he keeps trying to pile on more things for me to do. It's disgusting behaviour. And he questions why I don't hug him at night!!!!

I sent him a link for a positive parenting course (I always believe until you learn about something you can't diss it). He refused to go on it as it's too expensive (£20)!!!! Then spent £250 the next day on something inessential (think a model) for himself. That's how much his kids mean to him.

Hoping we both find peace soon.

Thank you for this. The moodiness post was interesting. Didn't realise this was another form of control. I don't know how someone could be so grumpy 24-7.

Thank you for starting this thread @TheWestfoldFell . Can I ask about your housing situation and how you did it. Did your ex buy you out of your old home and you bought your new haven?

I feel the same as you xx

It's interesting watching them try to navigate life by themselves. Ex used to be very capable, at one point he was a stay at home dad and I couldn't really fault him to be honest. We were a partnership and I did my share when I was home but no more and no less.

However, once DC were school age, he went back to work full time in a job with no flexibility (front line nhs). He loved his job, pay was poor. He didn't ever do overtime etc but we didn't need the money as I earned twice his salary and I managed to change my hours to accommodate school drop off and pick ups. DC did a lot of activities but that mostly fell to me too as he gradually checked out and left everything to me. It creeps up on you though and to some degree I liked the control. The longer it went on though I raised many times that I felt like a single parent and I wondered why he never seemed as desperate for a holiday as I was... Nothing changed. I stopped taking pride in my home, DC grew up and I was still shouldering everything.

Anyway, now he has to think what to have for dinner every night and shop and cook etc. He had to ask what I used to clean the floors and where I'd keep it. We've been in this house 20 years... He moaned about how things like sorting out car insurance takes hours...

He seems a bit lost and I don't really take pleasure in it but I hope it starts to sink in why I no longer wanted to sleep with him. It wasn't me needing to see a counsellor for childhood SA, it was because he had no respect or care for me.

Good luck to all on your journey to freedom.

I’d encourage anyone experiencing DV or coercive control to separate/divorce - but do plan it well so that you and your children stay safe - the point of leaving/telling him/her to leave is by far the most dangerous time and far too many (usually women) victims end up hurt or even dead. Make sure you have somewhere safe to go, or supportive people with you to get him/her to leave.

Just remember this thread ladies when you are tempted to dabble with online dating! Don’t…….All these useless cast offs are all on there! They are all the same. Do not live with another man ever!

I think you’re right! I waltzed into an event MORE abusive relationship, just the way they did it was the opposite to what the other one did. So I was ripe for the picking. Either the men on their have been (rightfully) cast off by women who’ve woken up to their crap, or ones that haven’t been able to hold a relationship long enough ever. Hate to sound cynical, but I fear for the women who’ll date both this men. And they will, I’m no idiot, yet still got sucked in…

There is something in every single post that resonates with my own situation. I’m sitting here reading through and nodding my head at the familiarities.

I agree! I did try OLD about 7-8 months after seperating and it's all pretty disapponting. I really don't think there is anyone else out there for me but that's OK because I am so much happier now than I have been for the last 20 years of being in a relationship so I don't feel like I'm missing anything at all.

Can I ask how people broke the news to the kids?
My Ex DH has met someone else and is wanting out of our 20 year marriage asap! He told me 4 weeks ago but it’s been going on a long time and they have already planned their future whilst I was completely in the dark.

We haven’t told our child yet… we have an 11 year old.

Ex DH wants to sit down and do the ‘we love you just not each other’ chat which is fine but I want him to say why!
I want him to explain he’s got a new girlfriend as he intends on moving on really quickly (buying a house together) and our child is going to be introduced quickly to this new woman in their life.

He says he’s spoken to ‘loads’ of colleagues who all say I’m just point scoring by telling the child but I want to explain the truth!

What do I do?

After years of letting me do all the childcare/juggling my shifts etc he now wants 50/50 custody and it literally taking my whole life from me.