Things I've noticed since the divorce

[TheWestfoldFell]

1. My house (I managed to buy a little home) is much cleaner and tidier despite the ikea boxes

2. I spend a lot less money on groceries AND my work lunches come out of this

3. my kids are a lot more chatty and animated when they are with me (50/50)

4. he's a narc

What I did, was I was the person who applied for the divorce so I had some degree of control over things. He did as I expected, long things out. He had actually lefr me for another woman. He wanted a divorce, but on his terms and on his timeframe. I spent some time getting stuff ready for divorce, researching solicitors, finding out what to do. I actually went ahead with it and he didn't want me to do it. Tough
He made it his life's mission to be as obstructive as possible, both with the divorce and all the practicalities. It was bad, it really was. Knowing what he would do is what kept me stuck there for so long.
Because I was the one divorcing him eventually I said enough is enough and said I wanted to take him to court. I'm the event he agreed at the last.minute, literally because he didn't want to go to court.
The toll it took on me was massive, both physical and mental health wise,but I think I'd be very seriously ill or dead had I not done it
I wish I'd involved the police at a much earlier stage, it would have made things easier. Coercive control wasn't a crime back then, but I guess the physical.srudd would have counted.
Mediation can be avoided sometimes if there has been DA, but I'd bi official record of it

My resentment has gone. If there's something undone, it was my choice to not do it, and my problem to sort out. I cannot put a price on this pure freedom of never again waiting years for someone to pretend to care enough to sort it. Be it DIY, paperwork, household jobs, listening to family, trying to make any sort of improvement.. That massive human roadblock is now out of our way, with all his accompanying bullshit excuses to fail constantly, all gone too. Feels amazing.

The children have friends over more often, they talk more, they use more of the house. This made me so sad, I hadn't realised how they'd curtailed themselves to avoid his overbearing, boring presence. The pets are more chilled. I noticed he never ever greeted the dog, which is just so alien, even "non doggy" people generally acknowledge a happy dog wagging and wanting a pat when they see them?! What a loser.

No more inane conversation just for the sake of it. I do NOT miss hearing the droning monologue about people I don't know, and the minutiae of their lives, while he couldn't even remember the basics about us 🙄 much less feign interest in what any of us had to say. It's so dispiriting to have everything you mention forgotten on purpose. It crushes the self esteem. So glad the kids don't have to endure it any more.

The constant background coughing, spluttering, sniffing, swearing, quiet chuntering because he can't communicate directly. Boiling constant full kettles of water and not using it, leaving every light on, leaving toilet seat up, not changing toilet rolls or opening the window after stinking the house out 😭 It is SO GOOD to be free. I stopped doing his laundry well before the split and I don't miss dumping out his wet stinking abandoned washing from the machine, to do my own 🫠 Did I say it's good to be free already?! It's good to be free 😅

Not having to be on high alert as to his nonverbal cues of anger or shitty mood. Not having to placate a man who can't manage his own feelings as an adult. Priceless.

Not having to deal with toxic and fist-bitingly boring miserable and tight inlaws. Not having to feel embarrassed in company by his lack of self awareness and boring awful tales (which never graduated from things that happened twenty years ago being repeated endlessly- stories about "the gang", not a single one for them is still in touch with him and yet the nostalgia continues to bore on and on to any audience). Bring able to have my friends over to my house and he's not here spoiling it.

A weird one but I no longer have to smile or apologise to any women he almost bulldozed through on the street... His lack of awareness of these woman having to flit around him was too much to bear (yes I did tell him, constantly)

I can plan things for me and the kids. Things we are really interested in. We can geek out together about it all without him openly mocking and judging it, or trying to ruin it for us. I can go to music events and dance now, without him there openly laughing at me for being bad at it. I can go on holiday without him 100% purposefully setting out to ruin everything. Never again will I compromise for a rude abrupt ungrateful pig regarding holidays, never again will my kids endure his utter disinterest (and jealousy) in their travels and the fun they had.

Speaking of jealousy, that. No more of it. He's jealous of people with better cars, houses, lives. All whilst actively shunning any route to get that for himself. I'm happy with my lot and it's so freeing to lose that background aura of constant dissatisfaction.

Also, smaller things like he used to moan every single week if asked to pick up more bread and milk, saying he contributed "so much" "around thirty quid a week!" But since he's gone, we never need top ups. Because it was him who was fucking eating and drinking all the extras, and trying to blame the kids 🙄 in fact, bills in general. He somehow made out he was the breadwinner, but I pay for everything. I am better off financially without him leeching off us, which has truly blown my mind. I was most definitely paying the lions share, and for what?

This is such a cathartic thread!!

AMEN to all of the above!

Thank you @QueenBakingBee i really appreciate the post 💐

I’d love to know this too x

Children are highly perceptive and very sensitive to their surroundings. It is NEVER a mistake to remove them from a toxic parental dynamic. Happy mum = happy kids.

If I want to paint a wall, remove wallpaper,
mow the lawn, sand floors, dig a massive hole in the garden to make a sunken trampoline, then I do exactly that. I don’t need anyone’s permission and nobody is screaming at me. Also, nobody is watching me whilst I’m working in the house or garden.

I no longer have fainting spells and anxiety attacks, to the point that my children call an ambulance. Because the abuse is gone.

I have a healthier idea of what a relationship should look like.

I’m a size bigger because I’m no longer stressed.

I no longer sleep on the floor. I sleep on a mattress in my bed.

The house feels warmer. There is no toxic atmosphere.

I know exactly what happens with my budget and finances. And even though my budget is incredibly tight and I have 3 jobs, I still manage to save more than living with a man who earn 5 times as much as I do.

I am free.

I am also often lonely when the house is quiet at night. I don’t have many friends because I devoted so many years looking after the children while he worked on his career and went out in the city.

I am relieved to have him out of my life.

Me too. I hope this thread gives you courage

Loving this thread!

My ex did the same. How unbelievably selfish and immature. I could not believe it. 😡

Recognise so much of this. My kids were happier. I wouldn’t say separating hasn’t affected them, they were sad about it. They remember the exact moment and will carry that with them. But they quickly adjusted and commented the house was calmer, tidier! They were at an age they could see it was the right decision. They carried on doing well at school. They don’t blame me for waiting as long as I did (although I do). They don’t miss his moods. I don’t think of us as a ‘broken family’, me and kids are probably closer than we would have been. They appreciate me more (probably as they have someone useless to compare me to). I’ve probably also compensated a lot eg picked up from parties when I was exhausted because I didn’t want them to feel they had to miss out on anything, helped them out with uni costs and often put myself last. It’s been few years on now and they are young adults. When I see my old friends - none of who are divorced - there’s no difference between their kids and mine in how things have turned out. having two parents living together hasn’t been any sort of protective factor as some of their kids have had mental health issues and setbacks. If anything I think my kids are more resilient and more equipped for life’s ups and downs. I always say you don’t need two parents, one awesome one is enough.

@WingingItFTM

Others have answered but I will confirm their answers.

Accept your fears listed will happen. But they are probably happening already - or would be if you didn't pander and appease him in the hope of a quieter life.

Once you have accepted they will happen they tend not to have the same impact as before. Then you start shrugging your shoulders and mentally saying "I don't care what you think of me anymore". You slowly get your courage back. Your self esteem and self worth slowly seep back into your body. You stand taller.

Keep your head down, keep your thoughts on the prize (freedom) and keep putting one foot in front of the other, you will get to the end eventually and it will be worth it.

Make plans based on speaking to a solicitor, CAB, estate agents etc. Knowledge is power, and power gives you strength. While you are gaining knowledge start saving. Get your own bank account. Be ready to move half the money out of any joint accounts. Collect any financial statements/copies regarding the house. Look at rightmove regularly for rentals etc, see what is out there.

Accept it will be horrible but realise it's "better" for it to be horrible for 6 months rather than the next 10 years. You are stronger than you think

1. A lot more money!
2. I did everything anyway so my chores or childcare hasn’t increased!

Same here
The only thing that he did was put up the Christmas lights. Looking back this is the only thing I've come across that he did
Sorted that by getting some.new ones I didn't need to go up a ladder for and gave my son the old ones

I have nominated this thread for classics. It's been wonderful reading about all of you after leaving your useless and or abusive exs and how much it is helping those who have yet to leave see what life could be for them. I would hate for it to disappear into the ether when it could be a good mantra for those needing a final push to go. Thank you for starting it @TheWestfoldFell even though I am not someone who is planning on leaving my dh, it's great to read the support from everyone.

@QueensOfTheVolksAge All of the following comments I can completely relate to.

*The children have friends over more often, they talk more, they use more of the house. This made me so sad, I hadn't realised how they'd curtailed themselves to avoid his overbearing, boring presence.

Boiling constant full kettles of water and not using it

A weird one but I no longer have to smile or apologise to any women he almost bulldozed through on the street... His lack of awareness of these woman having to flit around him was too much to bear (yes I did tell him, constantly)*

Yes, my kids curtail themselves when he's around. If it's just me and my DS12, for example, and we're cuddling up on the sofa, or messing around talking silly and laughing, he will move away from me and be quiet when DH appears. I also become noticeably quieter when he's there. Not that he'll disapprove or tell us off like a Victorian father, it's just as if we are suddenly drained and can't be ourselves. How sad that DS12 feels he has to let go of my hand just because his dad might see.

The filling and boiling of the kettle!!!! I thought this was just dh! Absolute craziness! Also see banging of the cutlery drawer.

And oh my, the barging into people. He does this. Completely unaware that he is knocking them out of the way, letting doors close on them, and then never ever noticing the reactions he gets and that I have to deal with.

To be free of all of this, and much more, is my dream.

@WinkyTinky You can make it happen, if you really want it to, of course. I won't lie, parts of it are hard. But nothing is harder than feeling so alone whilst with someone who isn't aware of how they truly affect their family.

I think, to read this thread and feel nothing but relief that I ended it, is so heartening. Would you feel that way after a split, do you think? Or would you feel like you were only trying to justify it being the right decision? if you think you'd feel mainly relieved, I'd seriously consider some big life changes ❤️

What I also love about this thread is how it encourages / normalises that it's ok to get divorced and the right thing to do if you're unhappy and even more so if you're in a bad relationship with a bad partner.

I feel there can be a lot of unspoken (or spoken) pressure to stay together for the kids because of how much damage a divorce will do, but I think it's so much worse to stay in a bad relationship.

It's a great thread.

Loving reading all this and it's all resonating. I'm 4 weeks in to being officially seperated and him moving out. Just me and adult DS in the house. Financially worse off as I bought him out, had to get a mortgage and he's also not contributing to financial support for DS2 who is away at uni. But I'll manage. Ive always been the main earner anyway (and the main everything else...)

I'm mainly enjoying the peace. No more performance nose blowing, toilet seat banging etc etc. Being on edge since DS is on night shift and trying to sleep and numb nuts is moaning 'cos he wants to cut the grass.

I love the house being clean and tidy and not dreading someone needing to come in and he's left the kitchen covered in grease and all his shoes out, dirty tissues etc.

Less laundry, less dishes and less me going around the house swearing about the shit he's left me to deal with, including shit stained toilet..

DS has mainly taken over the things that Ex did and there is less of everything else anyway.

Wish I'd done this years ago to be honest.

I’ve just discovered that my husband has been having an affair and has fallen in love with a girl young enough to be my daughter. I’m going to read this thread later.
It’s come out of the blue for me….

I'm so sorry @Yogazmum . You'll make it through, I promise. Virtual hugs and support xx

So sorry. You will get through this. 💐💐

@Yogazmum agree with pp, you will get through it and you come out the other side realising that a lot of men are just really quite shit, your ex included. Generally speaking I think women do much better post divorce.

Husband and I officially separated last week and he's moving out very soon. Thanks for this thread, I'm finding it very helpful! Lots of things mentioned resonate. I'm really looking forward to no longer being spoken to like I'm a dim-witted underling (when, in fact, he and I both know I'm quite a lot brighter than he is).

@Yogazmum BTDT. You’ll get through this.

The other woman fell in love with a mature and suave man with adorable kids at her workplace. Classic “my wife doesn’t understand me” pandering to her hormonal rage at 30. She definitely got a baby, just a grown up one.
Fast forward, she is 40 and stuck with a retirement minded man who is past his sell by date, body failing him, looks terrible and the cute kids are now a lot less cute and see through her nonsense. And his.
It’s been a few tough years but also a lot of fun and I have my own lovely home, half his pension to look forward to, great relationship with my children and a lovely new partner.

hang in there x