Things I've noticed since the divorce

[TheWestfoldFell]

1. My house (I managed to buy a little home) is much cleaner and tidier despite the ikea boxes

2. I spend a lot less money on groceries AND my work lunches come out of this

3. my kids are a lot more chatty and animated when they are with me (50/50)

4. he's a narc

@AmandaHoldensLips i appreciate this - hence the speech marks

however, i also understand that as soon as i take steps to leave i will most likely be:

• sworn at
• shouted at
• threatened
• told that I’m mentally ill
• told that i am the problem
• told that i’m not a fit mother
• told that i could never afford to be my self
• told that he won’t sell the house
• disrupting any viewings/sales
• spending any joint assets
• lies to the people around me/threatening to tell them what i’m ‘really like’

Maybe i’ll be pleasantly surprised and it won’t be like this but a lot of these already happen on an almost daily basis and i haven’t seriously tried to leave yet

Already posted, but big hugs to all those basically coerced into sex. It makes me feel sick. I didn’t have that as he just completely ignored me and would never initiate any intimacy, and it was totally crap and one-sided in any case.

Am thinking women and children only communes should be WAY more commonplace. If anyone want to start one with me, I’m there

This all happened to me but it’s all bluster. And lawyers tend to put them in their place. It’s just we lose sight of any of our power as they’ve trounced it

thank you @SinkingFeelingSoph 💐 this gives me so much hope

Love this thread. Just what I needed as I am in the middle of a separation and will be moving out with my children next month.

Great thread. Here’s mine:

1. No more tiptoeing around trying not to wake him as I go to bed in case he wakes from his drunken stupor on the sofa and comes to our bed, sweating snoring and stinking.
2. Being in control of my own finances and finding out that actually I can live within my means and I don’t have to get into ever increasing debt just to survive.
3. No more pretending that everything is great to the rest of the world when it really really isn’t.
4. No more being embarrassed about his boorish stupid comments and ignorant statements in front of my family and friends.

There’s so many more but that will do.

I live with a different man now and he is the nicest man in the world, totally a keeper, but this thread is making me wish I still lived on my own 😆

I can use the food in the fridge for our children's packed lunches without being told that the cheese is for him and not for us.

I can use the food in the fridge for whatever I want actually.

No more cupboards stacked full of bags of expensive snacks and crisps.

No constant stream of musical instruments and other expensive fucking hobbies that come with a shitload of STUFF clogging up the place.

No more being told that I couldn't possibly cope on my own with the kids. Ha!

Changing sheets and mowing the lawn - aka the only jobs he actually did do - are not the arduous tasks that he made them out to be. Putting together Ikea furniture is also easy enough, probably because I actually read the instructions.

I can have my bedroom how I want. I now have a dressing table, pink curtains and rug, and pretty fairy lights around the bed.

He actually has to look after our children by himself, meaning I don't get to hear him moaning about looking after them for a whole hour whilst I go to a medical appointment.

As above, I do not get daily texts asking when exactly I will be home from work, and I am not moaned at for staying a few minutes late once a month. (FWIW back when we were together I only worked 22 hours a week)

I don't lose sleep at night worrying about money and if he's going to earn much this month.

I realised that he only ever supported himself, and I was the one supporting the children financially as well as myself.

I don't get annoyed when he's home early from work.

I don't roll my eyes when he's called in sick to work yet again with some lame excuse, because I knew that when one of the children became ill he couldn't possibly take a single day off work.

No more doing his work admin because he couldn't do it himself.

Any socks lying around belong to small children, not smelly man feet.

I don't spend my birthdays doing activities he wants to do or participating in his hobbies.

When I was looking for another job, I could take the time I needed to prep for interviews etc without him moaning that I wasn't spending time with the children or him. Apparently all that stuff is unnecessary cos "you'll get the job anyway".

No expectation of sex when I don't want it, being told that I "could just lie there and don't have to do anything". No more listening to how he "has needs".

No more attempting to touch me up in front of our children.

I don't have to tell anyone where I am going or what I'm doing or what time I will be home. No one is interested in tracking me.

I can have a couple of drinks without him disapproving.

No more in laws.

No more feeling like I have three children when in fact we only had two.

I got another cat and could get 10 more cats if I wished.

No more having to give blowjobs to someone with a massive willy. 🤮

@Only4nomore make your dream come true.

Easy. I told him to leave because I found out that he was seeing someone else.
Oh, and BTW the divorce papers are in the post.
I made it even easier for him by packing his bags too.

No sports on tv

no whinging about “how much” money I spend on clothes

hearing the kids laughing

Able to eat fish and cheese to my heart’s content

no walking on eggshells

no crying myself to sleep

When I daydream about being single, I dream of me or the kids having a birthday or Christmas or even a day trip out without DH going into a massive grump over nothing, shouting, sulking + ruining a special day.

Its always much worst on my birthday. But this year DH is going away. I am so looking forward to it, after all, I put the idea in his head!
🎂🥂🥳

I asked him to leave several times and he was going nowhere! I knew he'd make it hard for me so wasn't surprised. I quietly saved, planned and we left. We went in a camping trip round wales in the summer holidays, had an amazing trip (without him).. and we never went back. We started our new life with sleeping bags basically and the bag clothes I could fit into the car. Left him everything and started again. If I'm honest it's a bit of a blur now looking back - but was bloody worth it! Don't overthink it, there will be hard times but you will get through it!

‘hearing the kids laughing’
This genuinely brought a lump to my throat 🌺

I enjoy every day now.
I love my new home and the feeling of safety and peace it gives me.
No walking on egg shells and having to put up with his abuse.
kids are so much happier.
We laugh, we sing, we can afford to go out now he’s not gambling all the money away.
When I look back I don’t know how I managed to not crack up when I felt so suffocated in my own home.

Thank you for this thread! I’m still with him but very much want to split.
I’m so scared to take that step, and don’t want the kids to be unhappy but realistically we’ll be happier once it’s done
this what I’m looking forward to:

1. watch what I like on tv without ‘making him’ watch it too or just flat out ‘no we’re not watching that’
2. add lemon juice to everything - I love it he hates it so it’s ‘banned’
3. Buy fruit for the kids thats apparently ‘too expensive’ but it’s ok to spend £10 a week on biscuits, crisps and ice cream for him
4. Don’t have to do his washing
5. Have a cleaner house
6. Have more money (who knew this was even possible!?)
7. Go on holiday with the kids abroad
8. Not have to guilt trip him into having a day out with me and the kids
9. Let the kids stay up later
10. No more shouting and constant swearing at/in front of kids
11. Get the bed to myself
12. Have a bath any night of the week to relax

I have no debt, he refused to give me a penny towards the home after the first couple of years but lived/ate like a king.

I don’t spend a fortune on snacks and meat.

We can enjoy simple dinners.

Salad is a dinner.

DIY is done properly because I do it.

I don’t leave DIY for years.

I don’t have to hide in my bedroom after children go to bed, like a forlorn lodger in my own home.

The sense of peace in the home is constant, even years later.

I don’t have to buy tonnes of toilet roll

Even though he blustered and “took me to court” he just wanted to look sensitive on SM doing so, actually only wanted children 10% of the year.

The smile on my child’s face, when I told them it was just going to be us living in our home - it was a true beam of joy and I will never forget it.

We are actually, just us, the family I always wanted my children to have.

@WingingItFTM

I saved relentlessly for months, sold anything I could that was mine. Hid it all in a sock buried inside a pouffe because if he found it he would have gambled it!

I went to look round houses for rent while he was at work. This was really stressful and it took me about 10 months to find somewhere.

He didn’t have to ‘let’ me leave because I just did it when he was at work one day. I’d hired a removals van and was gone. He was a grumpy anti social bugger so didn’t have to worry about any of the neighbours alerting him.

And then I rang him and told him I’d gone, and why and I expected shouting and abuse but in fact it was all woe is me and he played the victim to the best of his shitty ability thinking I couldn’t cope on my own. I didn’t just cope, I flourished!

You can do this! Make a plan, do some research, save if you need to. Every time you waver think of why you wanted this. For me I felt like I was going mad, my anxiety was so bad and I just had to keep thinking that no matter how hard it was, it was still a whole lot easier than living with him!

A long time ago now and he left me but when I got over the shock -
No more being gaslit into thinking his camping trips alone with female friends were OK.
No more accepting his steadily increasing drinking habit was acceptable. Interesting one of those female ' friends' died recently from alcohol related causes.
Realising I could cope easily as I did nearly everything and worked anyway!
Realising he was shit at DIY and I could do it myself or save and get a professional in to do it properly.
Realising I actually had created a kind loving personality for him and in reality he was as selfish as the next guy!
Oue sex life was awful and I thought it was my fault. Realising after wonderful sex with a new bf it wasn't me at all!

I’m not divorced, been with the same man for 40 years.
But bloody hell, the shit some of you have put up with for so long!
I’m reading the thread, and most of the points made would be deal-breakers for me, so fantastically well done to all who have thought ‘Fuck this, it’s not what I need and I’m not putting up with it any longer’

So many things that PPs have said! Particularly having more than enough money, despite there being a lot less coming in. ExH must have drunk most of his vast salary 🤔

Since my divorce I've also had the best sex of my life !

I had exactly this when I ended it. Honestly, you know this is coming so thats a good thing. I didn't know about this at the time but a friend suggested it and it worked! You need to pre-empt as much as you can.

• sworn at - water off a duck's back - leave the room (house if you have somewhere you can go)
• shouted at - same as above
• told that I’m mentally ill - you know yourself, a lot better than he does
• told that i am the problem - same as above
• told that i’m not a fit mother - same as above
• told that i could never afford to be my self - get researching - 99% sure this won't be the case once you know the actual reality
• told that he won’t sell the house - that's fine, he can buy you out or you'll wait until he realises that this tactic won't work long term
• disrupting any viewings/sales - this is trickier but estate agents have seen it all before - talk to them when you're ready
• spending any joint assets - you need to figure out how to access these and move your half to a separate account when you're ready. Mine did this (as I hadn't thought about it) and you know what - you can always earn more money. Genuinely, you will and can. It is not a reason to not follow happiness instead of staying in misery.
• lies to the people around me/threatening to tell them what i’m ‘really like’ - people that love you, won't listen. If other people listen, have stock phrases ready - he's not taking our separation well was a go to for me

Whatever happens, it's going to be better than staying in what you know is damaging.

Wonderful thread, that I think will be referred back to on many future threads (already seen it happen twice)

So a question: to those of you who report positives changes in your children, were you surprised by this at all - were any of you in the situation where you either thought your children were unaffected by your partners behaviour, and its only after you broke up you realised the inpact the status quo was having?
Or you thought that they would be devastated by a breakup and be traunatised but actually found that they adjusted well, and that any ongoing pain comes from the other parents behaviour, not the breakup itself?

In terms of how I left, I appreciate it was a lot easier for me as we weren't married and had no children, but I had a lot of support that became immediately available to me the minute I told people we'd split. My parents were amazing and my friends at work were there either as a shoulder to cry on, get drunk with, provide a bed for the weekend if I wanted to get away, or, on moving day, to carry a washing machine into my new home.

It all culminated in a night out I'd had with work colleagues for a celebration that he wasn't invited to. No-one else was bringing their other halves, but he expected to be invited. I ended up having far too much to drink and staying at a (female) colleague's house for the night. When I got home, he said to me "I think we need to talk". I'd been on the edge of breaking up with him for a little while, but that night out had been the straw that broke the camel's back and I realised he was starting to become even more controlling and the freedom I'd had that night had made me realise life could be so much better.

I still don't know what he was planning on saying when he said "I think we need to talk", because he had a look of shock on his face when I told him I wanted to break up!

We owned our house, so we had to figure all that out. Thankfully this was 20+ years ago and properties were a lot more affordable so he could afford to buy me out.

In the six months I lived in the spare room, I miraculously saved more money than I ever had before and managed to fund all the furniture I needed for my new flat. On moving day, I took all my clothes and the washing machine, that my parents had bought us as a new home gift, but nothing else. I was most heartbroken that I had to leave the cat behind.

He offered me to take some other furniture, but I realised I hated all of it. It had all been his choice and I didn't want any of it.

I still have some of the furniture I bought then, over 20 years ago!

@Foxblue my DS really struggled initially but that was mostly fuelled by my ex repeatedly sobbing in front of him saying I had made him leave and he didn’t know why 🤬…but two years on he is a different boy, sunny-natured and singing all the time and visibly more settled. It’s lovely to see and helps with the inevitable mum guilt at what I had to put him through in the short term to make his life better in the long term.

This. Some people can't stand the focus being on someone else . So birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, Christmas or other celebrations always something happened to spoil things. If you get out before the children grow he won't spoil the graduations
Things that he couldn't avoid eg anniversaries or weddings for his family, he made sure to spoil.yhings for me