Things I've noticed since the divorce

[TheWestfoldFell]

1. My house (I managed to buy a little home) is much cleaner and tidier despite the ikea boxes

2. I spend a lot less money on groceries AND my work lunches come out of this

3. my kids are a lot more chatty and animated when they are with me (50/50)

4. he's a narc

I dream about all these things that are mentioned. Sorry for brining the joyous texts down 😢at tad.
I’m at the early stages of separation. The narc/alcoholic & who also committed fraud in his work is making life HELL for me. I fear there won’t be enough money left after the settlement for me to buy a roof over my head. I am retired with a small pension. He got a very big inheritance of which by law, I am not entitled to either. Looks like he may land on his feet and I may be homeless after 31 years married to this man. I feel so anxious and fearful for the future, it so overwhelming. I pray I will be ok. He has a new girlfriend & was only delighted to tell me, they’re heading off on a holiday at Easter.

@cozer62 so sorry to hear that you are worried about what your future looks like with your next home and financial stress. After 31 years it’s amazing how much you have endured but it will feel so liberating when you finally cut him out of your life. I hope you have family support and have a plan on where you will live. Whether it’s sharing with someone else or on your own, my advice is to focus on the positives. Those little things that you won’t have to put up with anymore as well as the big things -eg gaslighting im guessing if he’s a narc. Picture what you are going to look like with a big smile and freedom to do whatever you want whenever you want. Remind yourself on how far you have come personally. I wish you all the luck and don’t think about what he’s up to or his lifestyle it can drive you mad. I’m excited for any woman who finds her mojo again!! I don’t care if I’m not rolling in money if I have food and the basics I can still relish my freedom and do things on a whim for ME without judgement or checking if I can!! Sending love.

It sounds like you need a better lawyer @cozer62

This is such a great thread @TheWestfoldFell

Men can be so revolting and yet they run the world. There has to be a link there somewhere : )

@cozer62 , I escaped after 20 years and it feels wonderful, I know only too well how overwhelming and stressful it is, but just keep going, it will very definitely be worth it I promise.

If your STBXH has money I can't imagine a judge would see you homeless...the settlement is meant to be even-handed, to support both of you, so even if you aren't entitled to any of his inheritance (which seems strange, I'm not doubting you but if he's already had it during your marriage then it's usually counted as marital resources?), the fact that he HAS the inheritance means he has resources for himself and that means you will need to be allocated resources to balance that...not necessarily the exact same amount, but enough to get you housed. Have a look at shared ownership places as many of those are now available to people who are "creating a new household after divorce", so you may well qualify on that basis, even if you are retired.

Are you happy that you are getting the right advice from your solicitor, I'm happy to recommend mine if not?

And yup, great thread...separation and divorce are overwhelming and tough to get through, especially if the XH is nasty, so a bit of solidarity and "light at the end of the tunnel" from those who have been there and are now free is very welcome!

It is tough, for many reasons. Facing your future single when you are at or near retiral is difficult.

But, spending the last part of your life with someone who doesn't live and care for you is harder I think.

It's sometimes just the small things. I've just had a handyman in. Probably a husband himself, but I ask him to do some jobs, he comes round, does them, I say thank you and pay him and off he fucks. I don't need to be endlessly grateful, deal with sulks or moans, feed him or sleep with him.

Then when I need something else done I can do the same. Not have to deal with, "but I did x last month". Everyone is happy with the transaction.

I'm sure my x is equally accommodating in his work, just reserved all his shit for me. 🤔🤷🏻‍♀️

You can't be left homeless @cozer62 . There was to be equanimity.

I left, he was cruel beyond words, he's got a new GF, in line for a huge pension, investments and inheritances. Not doing anything for or with the dc. The win is I don't have to see him anymore never mind put up with all his horribleness.

@BigBoysDontCry that sounds like bliss. I daydream about that kind of freedom. I just want to be left alone.

Well, we have now nearly finished our last weekend together as a family… I get the keys to my rented flat tomorrow and will be moving mid week while he’s away for work. I doesn’t feel real… but I’m so looking forward to closing the door of my new home and not being on edge waiting for him to return/constantly checking his location so I know how much longer I’ve got before he gets home. Feels like a lot of hurdles to get through before that moment but it’s so close now.

Good luck for the move. I can't remember if your STBEx knows you are going or not. It will be an emotional day for all sorts of reasons. You are allowed to be both happy for the changes you've made and sad over what could have been (or the time you've wasted...).

Onwards and upwards towards peace and contentment and not having to worry about that anymore ❤

Thank you so much - he knows nothing. It’s been an extremely strange 6 weeks since I finally decided to leave and I know it’s only going to feel more strange over the coming days… I have been being very practical and not really allowed myself to feel my feelings throughout this time or I wouldn’t have been able to do it - but this thread was a big support to me (and light relief at times!) while I was busy planning my exit so thank you all for that!

Some of these points really made me laugh.

And so many of them are very much true…

We’ve been on the rocks for a long time now.

I don’t want to grow old with him. No thanks!

It’s sad, especially for DS. I didn’t want this.

But, the heavy energy is crushing me daily…

I just want peace, freedom. For me & DS.

And no more skid marks, piss puddles etc!

Is my assumption that posters on this thread initiated the divorce from their husbands based on their dislike of the behaviours described in the comments? Or were some divorces initiated by their husbands and the comments refer to things they did not realise were so bad until they stopped happening?

Reason for asking is that my mother has had to endure;

blamed for everything that went wrong

TV domination

riot if food not on table upon return from work

never wanted to go on holiday

rage, and sometimes violence, if anyone had a different opinion on anything

But next year will be their 60th wedding anniversary.

Maybe the good sides outweighed the bad ones? Only good sides I remember as a child were:

Good dad
Helped to keep house clean
helped with cooking and washing dishes

Probably a mixture of all scenarios. Our decision to split was mutual but even after deciding, we were still faffing around and the eventual push was from my side.

A lot of the bahaviours described were part of my decision but it was the underlying issues that made me notice them more if that makes sense? In an otherwise happy and loving relationship where I felt loved and valued, banging the toilet seat, leaving his stuff in the sink etc would have been minor niggles associated with living with someone. In that absence of love and care, they become weapons designed to make your life more miserable.

I think you notice and rejoice in the absence of controlling behaviour more when it's not there and realise that things were worse than you maybe felt at the time.

Your poor mum probably felt trapped to stay and now feels it's too late, or maybe there's more love there than is obvious to you?

To be honest, I've always looked after and supported myself and my family and never really asked for much but I won't be woken in the middle of the night and accussed of things. Or to feel punished or inadequate because I was sexually abused as a child.

Was I a perfect wife? Definitely not. Was I ever malicious or uncaring? Also no.

That's probably a bit serious for this thread, but also to add that on a day to day basis we got on reasonably well and still do to an extent. He's started to make a little more effort with adult DSs and has offered me money (I don't need it and didn't take it) and has also offered to drive us all to DS2s graduation.

I think that as he's approaching retirement and nearly a year into living on his own, it's starting to sink in.

I think expectations were different a generation or so back. Women, who were mostly denied careers saw marriage as their career. Plus, there was real shame if your marriage ended - you were viewed as a failure. Women themselves bought into this view of the world, I think. To this day, my Mother honestly doesn't realise that my dad was a controlling, sneering nasty little misogynist.

I've reread this thread a lot over the last year, it's so joyous and hopeful. So I'll add my bit.

Sun is shining here as a couple of helpful and polite blokes clear out my tiny garden ready for a cheap and cheerful overhaul in time for summer. After years of neglect - it's like a metaphor!

My house is calm and relaxed (which even my grumpy teenagers have commented on and appreciate). Everything smells nice. I am content and I look after myself so much better now. I enjoy skincare, spending a bit longer on my hair, exercising more, thinking about what I eat and only eating what I want when I want.

I love my friendships and the different things each one brings into my life. I am significantly financially worse off, but still seem to manage for now at least.

A year ago I found out ex had cheated for decades so there was a pretty traumatic unravelling of reality as I knew it. Now I feel grounded, content, safe and definitely not lonely. Alone a lot but not lonely. There is nothing worse or lonelier than being with someone who could not give a shit about you.

Keep going, anyone at the beginning - I read so many posts on here that said things WILL get better and struggled to think how. Buy my god they do!

" There is nothing worse or lonelier than being with someone who could not give a shit about you."

Amen to that!

This morning I took all my STBXH’s shit out to the garage. He moved out last Summer after admitting to an affair and has since bought a house and moved in with his new GF & her child.
The initial shock was horrific and then the revealing of the depths of his lies, his betrayal and the financial dirty tricks made my head spin.

9 months on and I’m ready to move into my new house with my child.

Ex was supposed to have removed his items by the end of March… today… but in true disrespect, he’s waited until the last minute and then said he’ll come and take stuff car load by car load ‘over the next few days’

I CANNOT wait until I can close my own door and know he can never, ever set foot in my home again.
And I won’t be sorry to see the back of him and his shit. I wish I could be a fly on the wall when he rocks up with it and his GF goes mad wondering where it’s all going to go.
19 years of cr*p
You are welcome! 🤣

@BigBoysDontCry and @hildabaker

My father is 90 and has been in a care home since 2019 as he has dementia. Mother is 82.

I am an only child. So, my mother was able to pursue a career in nursing as grandparents on both sides were not far away from where we lived. She rose to a high position and earned a lot more than my father. Maybe that’s why he tried to control things to prove he was the head of the house even though he was still receiving pocket money when he retired 😆

Despite the 8 years age gap, they both retired in 1998. Father had completed the maximum 40 years in the NHS. Mother had to stop work due to back problems which hindered her job.

They had 20 years of good retirement from 1998 to 2019. They visited many countries and the grandchildren they had waited for appeared a few years after their retirement.

Maybe they had better years between me leaving home in 1983 and 1998 than I remember when I was at home?

GT2000, I’ve often wondered if I could stick it out.
Maybe it’s a bad patch? Maybe I’m the problem…

My mother (and aunties) are all married 50 years.
And still putting up with so much crap. Every day.

The past is a foreign country - I think years back people reconciled themselves to their lot, and maybe marriages mellowed as people aged.

I know what you mean, @Gowlett , my dad was vile to my mum, and me and my sister for bloody years. I thought it was just what men were like when I was a young woman. No bloody way would I put up with that shit. Even if it 'is you', surely that's reason to split, too?

@GlobeTrotter2000 From my experience, it is very very difficult to understand how bad a shit situation is when you are in the midst of it, especially when it's with someone who's meant to be Your Person, and you're doing any of:

• using all of your energy to get through the days
• thinking this is just what normal life is like
• knowing it's shit but not being in a financial or logistical position to leave
• assuming it's all your fault and wouldn't be better with anyone else
• thinking this is all you deserve

and more.

Even though I knew I wasn't happy, it was still such a surprise how delighted I was when it was all over. I think that's what a lot of this thread is about

Ha ha, it’s deffo not me! I’m by no means perfect.
But I get on well with everyone else in the world…

So he moved out 2 weeks ago, things I have noticed:

My food bill is tiny now
My dogs don't bark as much as no one is shouting at them .
My weekends are chilled and stress free.
My house is so much less cluttered.

It still feels a little weird and he forgot way too much of his stuff when he left but life is good 😊

@fastcarsnarrowstreets yes yes yes!!! This is what I’m emerging from right now.