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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Things I've noticed since the divorce

458 replies

TheWestfoldFell · 08/07/2024 07:01

  1. My house (I managed to buy a little home) is much cleaner and tidier despite the ikea boxes

  2. I spend a lot less money on groceries AND my work lunches come out of this

  3. my kids are a lot more chatty and animated when they are with me (50/50)

  4. he's a narc

OP posts:
Baffers100 · 06/12/2024 10:11

"I'd rub the fucker in butter and set him on fucking fire if it was me and there is not a judge in the land that wouldn't think I was totally justified and restrained in my actions."

Ha ha brilliant- this made me chuckle.

Baffers100 · 06/12/2024 10:17

Oppppppp · 03/12/2024 06:57

@BigBoysDontCry that is really helpful and has made me feel less guilty for planning to leave in early '25. My kids are 3 and 5

You have described my position to a T. I am the breadwinner, I sort everything. I pay for 90% but apparently am terrible with money. He does nothing but has an opinion about everything. It's like I'm driving the car by myself but with a back seat driver shouting at me.

The kids are happy though. And that is the guilt. But I can't put on this brave face forever.

My H like yours will absolutely think I've ruined his life. I've tried to leave him several times but he will 100% say I just abandoned him when I leave. He's a child in a 45 year old body who just wants to complain and be taken care of forever and I just can't do it anymore

This was my marriage too. The form E was a joke- he put some nonsense about "I am ok aside from the stress of a difficult divorce" when asked baout his mental health, even though I was the one sexually abused and financially taken for granted while he sat on his fat arse doing nothing aside from resenting my success.

He then went on to wrote some nonsense about how we live a modest lifestyle, and often live beyond our means relying on credit. I had a car on lease and otherwise not a penny of debt (not the same now with the legal fees, thanks plonker). We had a good lifestyle, David Lloyd gym memberships, coffee and wine subscriptions, veg to the door. Why try and paint it as something it isn't for crying out loud. Holidays every year, all paid for by moi, then he'd come home and speak to the MIL in hell and complain about little things like he's actually financially contributed...jerk.

I think in situations like this you see a nasty side to people. I could have locked him out and shat on his pillow...I didn't. He's locked me out, bleached my clothes in the washing machine, takes my laundry out soaking wet and using the machine all day, hides my stuff, goes in my room looking for things, took one of the kids passports hoping I wouldn't notice. I wanted to stay amicable but we're past that. The world would be better with him not in it, even for the kids.

lele2221 · 10/03/2025 13:25

It's been a long 8 months but I finally get my keys to my new house today. I was meant to have moved out back in August but my house fell through. Now it's happening I feel scared now if I am honest. But also at the same time I am excited to start a new happy life with my kids. I always read through this thread when negative thoughts about leaving creep into my mind. Hope everyone else is doing well!

AndiPandiPuddinAndPie · 10/03/2025 18:16

@lele2221
Enjoy the peace my lovely 💖

lele2221 · 10/03/2025 18:22

AndiPandiPuddinAndPie · 10/03/2025 18:16

@lele2221
Enjoy the peace my lovely 💖

Thanks you 💖. I cannot wait to be settled and finally be able to have a decent sleep without the worrying of the move hanging over my head. And also living in a toxic relationship.

Frenchyq25 · 12/03/2025 07:55

It's really nice to hear all the upsides of the divorce.
My husband finally moved out on Friday after I told him it was over in October.
I can't wait to have my house back as his boxes are everywhere!

lele2221 · 12/03/2025 11:52

Frenchyq25 · 12/03/2025 07:55

It's really nice to hear all the upsides of the divorce.
My husband finally moved out on Friday after I told him it was over in October.
I can't wait to have my house back as his boxes are everywhere!

Ahh good luck. Things will get easier. I think the beginning of leaving or someone leaving is the hardest. I cannot wait to sit on my couch with a glass of wine and have no one moaning at me. Or having a lie in and not be moaned at. Btw my lie in is 7am 🫠

Hall84 · 12/03/2025 21:45

I remember this thread now! I started reading it back in July. Our conditional order has (hopefully!) gone through today. I moved out and into my parents with DD whilst our house is sold (I'm paying them rent and half the mortgage). We have a couple of viewings coming up and I'm going to view a house tomorrow.
Things I've noticed already despite a lot of our stuff in storage and too much stuff in my parents' house;

  1. Life is calmer (not beholden to any sulks/storming out the house/silent treatment)
  2. We sleep better (no one waking us up banging and crashing about at all hours)
  3. He has to do some actual parenting every other weekend (I sleep/see friends/do big jobs)
  4. I was earning more and doing 95% around the house so like PPs lost the resentment.
I'm so looking forward to having our own place again!
shewasjustawishx · 12/03/2025 21:53

This thread is lovely and I so needed to read all of these comments. I told my husband on Sunday that I wanted a divorce after years of unhappiness. I already feel a huge sense of relief that I've told him and it's out there, but I know the next few months are going to be really tough, so I'll keep revisiting this thread to help me through. I can't wait until it's just me and my boys in my own little house, I'm going to feel so at peace.

BigBoysDontCry · 12/03/2025 22:40

Glad to hear everyone doing so well and best wishes to all now in or moving in to their own spaces.

Almost exactly 9 months since he moved out now. Life is still good. I don't miss him but I annoy myself by thinking about him more than I should.

House still peaceful and I'm cracking on with clearing out and redecorating. Our elderly family cat had to be put down in January and we were all very sad. Ex kindly came and took us all to the vet and home so we didn't have to drive while upset and tbf, he was very good and a bit upset too. She was like our youngest child unconditionally loved by everyone. My adult boys were the most upset I've ever seen and I think it hit them as being the end of the family as it was which I don't think had sunk in so much before.

I've painted my bedroom pink... 😁

Onwards and upwards ladies 💪

Hall84 · 12/03/2025 22:55

@BigBoysDontCry so sorry to hear about your family cat. STBX had our cat in the house, i had a subscription for her food/vet plan etc but he rehoused her with his sister without any discussion. It wasnt costing him anything. I still am furious because we'd agreed that I would take her back, I can't have her with my parents because of their pets.
I love the sound of your bedroom and may have plans to do the same . . .

BigBoysDontCry · 12/03/2025 23:17

Hall84 · 12/03/2025 22:55

@BigBoysDontCry so sorry to hear about your family cat. STBX had our cat in the house, i had a subscription for her food/vet plan etc but he rehoused her with his sister without any discussion. It wasnt costing him anything. I still am furious because we'd agreed that I would take her back, I can't have her with my parents because of their pets.
I love the sound of your bedroom and may have plans to do the same . . .

What an arse. I'm angry for you.

Mine said to me, at least the house will be easier to keep clean now. Funnily an elderly, not always continent, cat made less mess than him.

Hall84 · 12/03/2025 23:28

@BigBoysDontCry they always do 😅and at least our cat apologised for any accidents! (Head bumps only!)

herethereandeverywhatnow · 13/03/2025 19:20

I’ve been reading this whole thread all week and absolutely loving the positive stories from the other side… I’m finally leaving my toxic/verbally abusive partner in a few weeks, he has no idea it’s happening but I’ve found a flat to rent for a year and I’m taking the 2 children (8 and 5) - will do the whole thing when he’s on a work trip. I’ve felt like I’m actually losing my mind for the last few weeks through secret flat viewings and planning, I’ve had terrible insomnia and I think he’s wondering what’s wrong with me, but we just need to get through the next few weeks and hopefully I’ll be back to share some positive stories of my new life without him…

HappyToSmile · 13/03/2025 19:26

My 2 big ones to add....

  1. I'm far less resentful. Yes, I have to do everything myself, but I'm only doing it for me, not me and him (while he does next to nothing)
  2. My towels are nice and soft where I tumble dry them. He liked them hard so i air dried them.
SpaciousHodgePodge · 14/03/2025 20:28

hildabaker · 09/07/2024 08:39

I remember once he was literally dancing with rage over some imaginary slight I had done against him. Honestly, I didn't even know what it was I was supposed to have done. I was so scared that I just 'confessed' and 'admitted it' to keep the peace.

You might say 'you must have done something'. I went over and over it afterwards in my head. I hadn't done anything.

Omg. This is my STBXH. I get a little bit irritated and you’d think I’d slept with his best friend, punched him mother and stolen his money. Totally disproportionate rage.

CheekyHobson · 14/03/2025 21:22

SpaciousHodgePodge · 14/03/2025 20:28

Omg. This is my STBXH. I get a little bit irritated and you’d think I’d slept with his best friend, punched him mother and stolen his money. Totally disproportionate rage.

I had this with my ex, but also the opposite — if there was even the slightest note of frustration or annoyance in my voice when I raised an issue with him, it would be “Why are you getting so upset about this?” “I’m not going to talk to you until you’ve calmed down” “I don’t like the tone you’re taking with me” or “You seem really angry about something that’s not a big deal.”

Gaslighting and projection at its finest. Don’t miss it one bit.

SpaciousHodgePodge · 16/03/2025 16:50

CheekyHobson · 14/03/2025 21:22

I had this with my ex, but also the opposite — if there was even the slightest note of frustration or annoyance in my voice when I raised an issue with him, it would be “Why are you getting so upset about this?” “I’m not going to talk to you until you’ve calmed down” “I don’t like the tone you’re taking with me” or “You seem really angry about something that’s not a big deal.”

Gaslighting and projection at its finest. Don’t miss it one bit.

Same. I’d be mildly annoyed and express myself in a slightly cross way and be accused of being ‘hostile’ and ‘screaming in his face’. I saw him say the same to my DS and I’d seen what had happened and my DS had just been normally childlike and a bit grumpy. It was one of ‘the moments’ that I knew I could no longer tolerate being with him.

I am on the journey out now.

Imgoingtobefree · 26/03/2025 22:12

No more being woken up in the night when he comes back from the pub with a load of drunk screaming hangers-on and he puts the music on full blast. He’s pension aged

Not being shouted at.

Not being woken up when he comes back from the pub, but he forgot to take any keys - so it’s my fault for locking the front door - so shouts at me from the front garden. So not being woken up AND shouted at.

Not having everything be my fault.

ExhaustedAreUs · 27/03/2025 04:14

Today is the second last day of being forced to live with him. He will be gone first thing in the morning on Saturday. I’m so relieved.

how he treated me over our marriage is beyond my ability to explain.

Headingtowardsdivorce · 27/03/2025 07:42

Here's one from my kids (young adults). They've just been on holiday together and have come back and said that they now realise it's possible to travel without getting stressed.

He was the one who always caused the stress when we went on holiday and then took out his stress on us.

QueensOfTheVolksAge · 27/03/2025 16:38

I'm loving all of these updates SO MUCH. Keep them coming please everyone.

I suspect there's a lot of lurkers reading this thread, and all of these stories of strength and change will perhaps gird people into moving forwards into their own freedom ❤️

herethereandeverywhatnow · 27/03/2025 20:36

QueensOfTheVolksAge · 27/03/2025 16:38

I'm loving all of these updates SO MUCH. Keep them coming please everyone.

I suspect there's a lot of lurkers reading this thread, and all of these stories of strength and change will perhaps gird people into moving forwards into their own freedom ❤️

I’m one of the lurkers… I’m going to be leaving in under a week and it’s currently so scary and awful that I’m clinging on to all of these things I’m going to be able to celebrate once we’re out…

Hall84 · 27/03/2025 21:44

Good luck @herethereandeverywhatnow you've lots of us cheering you on

BigBoysDontCry · 27/03/2025 23:21

Good luck to all those in the throws of it all. 9 months of freedom here and still loving every minute of having my home to myself.

It's hard work, still clearing out and decorating the house, but just lying in my bed now, spread out, in perfect peace, in my lovely bedding makes everything worthwhile.

You can do this 💪