Things I've noticed since the divorce

[TheWestfoldFell]

1. My house (I managed to buy a little home) is much cleaner and tidier despite the ikea boxes

2. I spend a lot less money on groceries AND my work lunches come out of this

3. my kids are a lot more chatty and animated when they are with me (50/50)

4. he's a narc

I agree with him that king sheets are a pain to change but I also ask who he thought would change them if he didn't do it...

You're all well rid of your exes.

Haha, no it's my mum who has a very 1950s housewife setup with my Dad. They're good parents though, and excellent grandparents.
The STBXH MIL is a real piece of work. Cambridge grad, three degrees, PhD. Told my Dad when she first met him that's she's to be addressed as "Doctor." She's not a medical doctor, not to detract from the PhD but her ego is a big as her arse is.
She was back at work when STBXH was 3 months old, she 'couldn't wait' apparently. STBX and younger brother had a teenage nanny. Probably why he has no concept of picking up after himself. MIL has zero emotional intelligence and can be very hurtful. She doesn't have much time for the grandkids either. Selfish, nasty nasty piece of work.
She's viewed the divorce as him vs me and him needing to win. Pah.

Every year literally starting January I've had her banging on about how many christmas meals she's cooked and how she wants to be catered for. I can have her over for Christmas dinner, and two weeks later the emotional crap starts again. I guess that means I have a good roast, but the STBXH has a brother for crying out loud. Plus if she wasn't such a piece of work perhaps she would get invites because she's wanted rather than just to shut her up.

So I went to make myself dinner last night. He was in the kitchen and had used every bit of worksurface space (it's a reasonable size kitchen btw) making his dinner. His dinner involved taking a pizza from a box and putting it in the oven.

I refuse to tidy after him so I moved all his stuff to one side so I had space for a cutting board. He watched me do it and said "all that stuff can be put away." My mind was blown...he acknowledges "left out" can be "tidied up" but hasn't made the link that he can do it too.

I just wanted to share the two quotes that massively helped me leave in the end. I’m hoping it will also help at least one person in an unhappy marriage but struggling to leave.

‘A healthy relationship should be a loving, respectful place with values like support, freedom, happiness and consent at the centre.’

‘If you feel that you no longer want to be in a relationship, it is okay! You can choose with whom you want to spend your next months, years, or even the rest of your life.’

I had these saved on my phone and would refer to them all the time. They helped give me the strength I needed to eventually leave.

Love this thread!

1, His disgusting skinny underpants.
2, His noxious farts that he found hysterically funny but in fact peeled paint.
3, living in the disgusting hole of a house which his parents owned and which we paid a fair rent on and they refused to do any work on.
4, The dogs are no longer on edge second guessing his moods.
5, His awful mood swings and how if I dared to speak he would respond with "here we go"
6, His awful Mother who was as tight as, who refused to pay for parking anywhere but would pay thousands for a designer kitchen and then tried to sell a toilet role holder on the local Facebook page for a £1.
7, How gormless said MIL was and how her and her Husband always responded to anything with "ooooo" made them both sound thick.
8, Being the breadwinner and him taking advantage.
9, Him ridiculing my education and lording it up because he was doing some poxy certificate that was equivalent to a GCSE. I'm a Grad with 3 degrees and yet he tried to belittle me and stated that I did "nothing"
10, Having to pay for all the groceries, work full-time, and cook. He would moan when Supper was late but I didn't get home from work until 8.
11, His parents obsession with talking about routes and roads.
12, How his Mother was happy if someone was in trouble or down on their luck.
13, How aggressive he was towards me and when he was drunk.
14, Him sitting there fermenting on the bed with his laptop when he was seeing the OW and needed to maintain contact at the weekend.
15, Love having my own place. It's tidy, clean, modern and I'm so happy here.

So glad for you @youlied and great quotes @PeppyMintWriter.

How is everyone doing?

I know for a fact that life is better without him and I'll never live with another man that I didn't give birth to but I still get pangs sometimes and feel sad about the life we could have had.

I'm enjoying getting the house into proper order and it's great just knowing that someone could come to my door at any moment of any day and I wouldn't be embarrassed to let them in. I've got a long way to go until I can feel truly proud but I have to keep reminding myself how far I've come in the 4 and half months since he's gone. Autistic adult DS1 who lives with me is a delight to work with. He's just so helpful and competent. We've done a lot of the work together and he never moans or grumps or makes faces and is very tolerant of when I'm a bit stupid, he just calmly explains without making me feel belittled or put down. Who knew men could be like that?

Starting to feel a bit nervous about Christmas :(

@BigBoysDontCry

Your post is so lovely. I love that DS1 is so calming for you.

My DS came out the other day as I was losing my sh*t putting the bike rack on the car and I started to cry with frustration. He said ‘mum, mum, calm down… breathe…’ and then helped me take it off and try again. We did it 😎

Today I’ve tidied the garden up a bit, cleaned out my lower gutters 🤣 and washed my porch out. Inbetween, neighbours have stopped to chat etc and I’ve caught up with a good friend tonight on the phone for an hour (something exDH would have rolled his eyes at)
DS has gone to his dads for the weekend as I’m working so the only time I felt sad was when I decided to treat myself to an M&S microwave meal and had to squeeze past all the couples choosing their ‘meals for 2’ for their Friday night in together.
I too miss the thought of the life I’ve lost but then I remember that he wasn’t the man I thought he was and I’m actually doing ok on my own most of the time (I’m also 4 months on since finding out he was having an affair)

Why are you worried about Christmas?
Will you have the DC?
Hope you’re ok xx

That's so lovely @yogazmum 🤗

Both my DSs are adults. Eldest lives with me all the time and younger lives away with his girlfriend at uni in another city. It's pretty much always been just the 4 of us for Christmas in previous years. DS2 has come home and his gf has spent it with her family.

Ex and I both have family but none where we live and they have their own families and in laws etc. Neither of us have parents so DC have no grandparents.

I don't want it to be awkward for the boys but it's hard to make it special when it's just us. I'd also feel incredibly guilty to think of ex maybe being on his own. I'd not wish that on anyone. We were technically split up last Christmas but still living together so we sort of had Christmas as usual. This will be the first one when we are living apart.

To be honest ex is not making enough effort to see/be in contact with his sons. Not much of a change from when he was here really. I know he loves them and they are allowed to love him and they are all adults. It's just sad but it's not for me to fix.

I'm pretty sure it's not even crossing his mind so I shouldn't be worrying about it.

I can't wait to join you ladies- he made a big deal this morning about getting the bins in. I serenaded him with "There goes my hero" by the Foos because I think he was looking for praise!

I've just seen a lovely house (rental) and I really want it. I just imagine myself sitting down with some wine watching the TV. I live in the spare room/home office here and can't wait to have my space. I shouldn't really be looking because the financial order hasn't been approved yet (sent off for 4 weeks ago- solicitors thought I would get a response in 2-4 weeks) but I don't want to be here for a third blinking Christmas. I want my life back and some space...what to do!

It will still be special @BigBoysDontCry because you will be with your children and they will be with you. I am hoping to have moved so could realistically spend Christmas Day on my own, with only some of my kids or with all of them. For me the best option is to plan for any eventuality. The dc might chose to spend it with their Nanny which means by default they'll see my ex, and potentially his new woman. It is shit so I am making plans to make it as good as possible. I'll be so far away they can't see us all in one day.

Thanks @BirthdayRainbow I guess it's a period of transition for us all and ultimately we will all be happier for it although there will be bumps on the way.

I hope you get settled soon @Baffers100. In contrast, DS has just pulled the bins in without being asked or looking for praise so it is possible for men to achieve such lofty heights!

DH contacted him just after my last post looking for him to come and give him some technical help. This is off the back of my saying to him twice that DS is struggling and needs to be kept engaged and included. This makes the 3rd time he's seen him in 4.5 months despite living about 2 miles away. First was for under 2 hours in the pub together with DS2, 2nd was for 3 hours in the pub and now he's managed to have him at his house for an hour and a half helping him and made it mid afternoon so he didn't give him lunch or dinner. He knows he's not working and that I am financially supporting him yet despite having more disposable income than me, he cant even feed him once. I just don't understand and I never will. He's a fud.

He's not been in touch with DS2 since that first visit to the pub. DS2 lives 2.5 hours away but has been home to see me for a few days twice in that time period.

anyway, I'm still loving how everything stays clean and tidy and the peace and quiet and lack of tension in the air is amazing.

1. I've cut back on grinding my teeth down. Sadly, already lost enamel, but the current composite is lasting at least.
2. Me and my ds can laugh so much more
3. I just love being in bed, stretching, sleeping late, lying in at weekends without judgement
4. I can do lots of snacking and girl dinners when ds is at his
5. no more toilet always seat up(ignoring my requests), no more piss on floor
6. I can binge tv without being sneered at
7. No more in-laws who ignore me or treat me like sh*t
8. No more (his) male friends who also ignored me or got snide
9. No more getting ignored with group friends as he had an interesting job and encouraged people to ignore me or at least revelled in it
10. No more (of his) moods, that I'm trying hard to figure out, whilst he's silent and sulking
11. No more of me planning everything including hols and him just moaning
12. No more of his blank looks when I said something vulnerable or painful to me, he really didn't care, it just took me a while to realise this
13. And no more reading relationship books trying to figure it all out, whilst he put his effort into work and couldn't care less.

Having to tolerate him whistling, humming or singing. Always wildly out of tune and sounds a bit like his balls are in a vice. Way to ruin decent music!

Not having to go in to the shower and see his mass of hair all over the floor- it's not from his head...it's either his pubes malting or him shaving his feet. Yes really.

Toilet seat- see above malting pubes.

Being able to have a pizza on the odd occasion. He serves it up regularly as it's the prime "meal" choice for the lazy arse. Also absolutely cremates them in the oven, the plonker.

NO MORE MOTHER IN LAW! Cannot stress this enough. The way she says "Hullo" and not hello. How when you go over it takes her forever to answer the door then she acts like you've put her out being there. Her lack of warmth for her grandchildren.

No more violence, manipulation, threats or gaslighting.
My house feels clean and I don't have to put half as much effort into keeping it like that.
No more listening to his go awful snoring.
Being in charge of the tv remote.
Having my 18 year old son spend more time downstairs with me and saying he feels like it's more comfortable.
Making the meals that we enjoy.
Not having to regulate a grown man's emotions is bliss.
But it's early days and it can sometimes feel lonely, not lonely enough to ever have him back though.

Really needed to find this thread.
He has only just left, full on "script" and re-writing of history. I am devastated but hopefully I will see some positives soon.

You will @LouLou198 . Take your time.

So sorry @LouLou198 . His loss. Has OW emerged yet? It doesn't feel that way now, but you are truly better off without someone who can treat you that way xx

mysterious illnesses? Do you think he was poisoning you or stress related?

I about to take the plunge and hoping my illnesses disappear.

Sit with your feelings and remind yourself often what's good now he's gone. Let it be someone else's problem- quite enlightening! Sending hugs your way xx

@rockingbird @Seaside1234 @BirthdayRainbow thank you all.
I have my dc to focus on so grateful for that.

This is happening to me

I'm very sorry to hear that.
What is happening to support you getting out of this situation?

I finally moved out on Saturday after struggling with a divorce lasting more than 2 years- went to pick the kids up Saturday afternoon to find I was locked out. Darling husband then put my stuff on the drive...all in front of the children. Bell end.

I am loving being in an environment that just feels calm. I have boxes around still as haven't fully unpacked but it's still tidier than the mess he lives in. I did the usual sunday night routing of baths for the kids, books, school lunches, shoe polishing etc and even that felt different, It wasn't me doing it because the other apparently capable adult CBA- it was me sorting things for the children knowing that next weekend, he has to step up and do some damn parenting. He can no longer leave me to be the default parent due to his laziness.

Hurrah to moving on and moving out.

@Baffers100 congratulations you brave lady! What an awesome feeling 🙌🏻 keep your head held high and don’t stoop to his level…kids don’t see it at first but eventually they will see what an incompetent moron he is…mine are starting to and he only sees them every other weekend 😂

Oh, be prepared for him to not have clothes, not feed them properly, not have them wash/brush teeth all weekend, send them home without stuff they need that week, no homework done, refuse to take them to parties that fall on their weekend/facilitate meeting up with other kids etc...