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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Things I've noticed since the divorce

458 replies

TheWestfoldFell · 08/07/2024 07:01

  1. My house (I managed to buy a little home) is much cleaner and tidier despite the ikea boxes

  2. I spend a lot less money on groceries AND my work lunches come out of this

  3. my kids are a lot more chatty and animated when they are with me (50/50)

  4. he's a narc

OP posts:
Disturbia81 · 28/08/2024 11:34

I have nothing bad to say about him, it was all amicable and he's my best friend
But
The kids love us living separately as when me and him are around each other we chat a lot so they don't get much attention, they love us being by ourselves as they have all our time.
House stays tidy
Less smells
He's become a more hands on dad
I love not having to speak as much and be constantly sociable
Not having constant sexual expectations on me and feeling like I'm never doing it enough, same with affection

yestoanother50 · 28/08/2024 12:02

I'm finding that I no longer walk about the house swearing to myself about things that have been done or not done.

This is something I've noticed about myself too @BigBoysDontCry . Its liberating to no longer be ambient raging inside!

RainbowZebraWarrior · 28/08/2024 15:29

yestoanother50 · 28/08/2024 12:02

I'm finding that I no longer walk about the house swearing to myself about things that have been done or not done.

This is something I've noticed about myself too @BigBoysDontCry . Its liberating to no longer be ambient raging inside!

When I go to see my Mum, she is constantly rolling her eyes and muttering 'Jesus!' under her breath at everything ny Dad does (and doesnt do). My parents have probably been mostly miserable being together for around the past 40 years. When I was 22 and moved out I told them to divorce. They sulked for a while, but never did it.

It really has painted a picture for me of exactly what I didn't want in life. I could never put up with something like that. It's the upheaval and finances that put most people off. My Mum probably thought she was 'too old to start again' in her 40s and 50s. Now she's almost 80, she wonders what the hell she was thinking. Dad is guilty too of not walking away probably because its handy to have your dinner made every night, so puts up with the 'nagging'

Disturbia81 · 28/08/2024 16:17

Not getting felt up all the time just doing normal tasks

AdviceNeeded2024 · 28/08/2024 16:28

Disturbia81 · 28/08/2024 16:17

Not getting felt up all the time just doing normal tasks

Doesn’t sound like you were best friends if he was constantly feeling you up against your wishes…

AdviceNeeded2024 · 28/08/2024 16:30

RainbowZebraWarrior · 28/08/2024 15:29

When I go to see my Mum, she is constantly rolling her eyes and muttering 'Jesus!' under her breath at everything ny Dad does (and doesnt do). My parents have probably been mostly miserable being together for around the past 40 years. When I was 22 and moved out I told them to divorce. They sulked for a while, but never did it.

It really has painted a picture for me of exactly what I didn't want in life. I could never put up with something like that. It's the upheaval and finances that put most people off. My Mum probably thought she was 'too old to start again' in her 40s and 50s. Now she's almost 80, she wonders what the hell she was thinking. Dad is guilty too of not walking away probably because its handy to have your dinner made every night, so puts up with the 'nagging'

This post is so depressing to read. Sounds like your parents everyday is hard work. Dreading something like this is one of the reasons I left! I just kept thinking this CANNOT be it forever. At least if you do end up on your own you get peace and quiet and not putting up with someone else’s shit everyday.

Baffers100 · 28/08/2024 16:33

hildabaker · 28/08/2024 07:40

I bet he's surprised that you want to divorce him, @Baffers100

He did say he was surprised when I said I wanted a divorce. He said "I'm happy" to which I replied "I'm not surprised, I'm thinking about getting me a wife" haha

Disturbia81 · 28/08/2024 16:42

@AdviceNeeded2024 I never told him not do it, I just thought it was normal as had it with all previous partners and friends say the same. We are best friends.. Just got a new appreciation for not having that part anymore 😆

AdviceNeeded2024 · 28/08/2024 16:42

@Baffers100 Sorry to inform you your H was living a double life… 😂😂 literally almost every point you wrote (except the teeth, mine had good teeth but bad breath) is identical to mine. Still not sold our house so I’m still in limbo here but constantly daydreaming about being rid of putting up with all this shit forever!!!

Baffers100 · 28/08/2024 16:42

Similar story here- parents have been together for 45 years or something crazy- second marriage for both of them. My dad was always the breadwinner and my mum had a very 1950s role- does all the housework, always made his lunch for work, gets his clothes out for him ach day. I remember as a kid she would complain about it because if she forgot to do one of these things he would go to work with no lunch, or wear clothes from the day before, and I always wondered why you'd totally mother a grown man.

The in my marriage, I started doing the stuff round the house. I appreciated a tidy home and thought this was a way of showing love- comes home to a nice clean home, laundry done, dinner sorted. Unlike my mum though, I always worked full time and was the breadwinner. I wondered when asking for a divorce whether it's all my doing from going too much, but I realise it's not me, it's him. He's perfectly content to do nothing. I still don't really get why my parents got together, two very different people with very different views, and no real love to see. I want more for my children than that, and more for me too.

@WinkyTinky - I would say maybe we have the same STBXH but that would require effort on his part...and effort isn't really his thing haha.

AdviceNeeded2024 · 28/08/2024 16:46

@Baffers100 and I’ve just seen your last post. His mother is the same. Did everything, laid out her husbands clothes, cooked everything, cleaned without him or her son lifting a finger. She’s complete misogynist who believes everything house, child and washing related is ‘women’s work’ and you obviously don’t work hard enough if things aren’t done. You are there to make their life easier according to her 🙄

rockingbird · 28/08/2024 20:23

Another from me.. he'd play games on his mobile in bed in the morning (apparently good for the mind)..! When the glasses came off I knew I needed to jump out of bed or have sex 🥴 it was like he just expected me to take it - no satisfaction for me at all and over as soon as it started, absolutely repulsed me! I don't miss that, I can lay in bed as long as I want now knowing I won't be used for sex!! Frigging bliss.

BigBoysDontCry · 29/08/2024 09:01

A new one for me today. A few years ago we got a cheap, non frost free, extra freezer in the utility room that we mainly use for bread and fruit.

Anyway, he was always moaning about how icey it got because basically he never shut the fucking door properly and then it would be hard to shut the door as it was too icey.

Since he's left and it's just me and DS, a miracle has occurred and the freezer is in fact perfectly fine. Who knew all you had to do was shut the door properly... 🤔🙄

Headingtowardsdivorce · 29/08/2024 12:32

Oh god! Yes, mine never shut any doors, it used to drive me mad, cupboards and drawers left open for the door fairy to shut.

@rockingbird that's so gross, you must feel so relieved to have him out of your bed! I feel the same about going to bed now, so nice not to feel like you "should" have sex just to keep him sweet.

@Baffers100 the teeth... I totally get you on that one. Wtf is wrong with these men that can't even look after their own bloody teeth properly?! Mine would only shower when he wanted sex too (after I put my foot down and said no shower = no sex).

lele2221 · 05/10/2024 10:25

I cannot wait for the day I leave. I was meant to be going out with friends today but he made up some lie that he was out then he had work so I cancelled my plans. It turns out he wasn't going out or going to work. I always look on this thread knowing there will be light at the end of the tunnel when I eventually leave in a couple of months time.

BigAnne · 05/10/2024 10:50

lele2221 · 05/10/2024 10:25

I cannot wait for the day I leave. I was meant to be going out with friends today but he made up some lie that he was out then he had work so I cancelled my plans. It turns out he wasn't going out or going to work. I always look on this thread knowing there will be light at the end of the tunnel when I eventually leave in a couple of months time.

Believe me honie you're in for a treat x

lele2221 · 05/10/2024 10:57

@BigAnne thank you I cannot wait 😘 x

BigBoysDontCry · 05/10/2024 12:22

I still cannot believe how peaceful it always is and the lack of tension in the air.

I occasionally have a wee wobble when I'm left to deal with various life crisis on my own. Then I give myself a shake and remember that I'd still be dealing with them on my own just with someone else to talk at about them with no support given and that in a way that's worse.

Good luck to all those who are still navigating towards freedom and all of those still spreading their wings. We got this ladies. 💪

Yogazmum · 05/10/2024 15:27

My STBEXH has moved out to live with his mum after I received his bank statements with his Form E and was able to trace the lies, depth & cost of his affair (he had spent thousands on it!) and I told him not to come back and I bagged some of his shit up.
He had moved into the spare room months ago but he had this awful smell about him and so the room literally made me heave when he left the door open.
I had spoken to him about it several times but he just wouldn’t accept he smelled like a homeless person!
Since he’s gone, I’ve deep cleaned the room, aired it, binned the duvet and pillows & febrezed the mattress and boil washed the mattress protector.
There’s still a lingering smell of homelessness
but it’s only from the clothes he’s left in the wardrobe and hopefully they will go soon as he gradually packs his shit up.
He had dreadful ketosis breath too as he did intermittent fasting and I used to gip sometimes at how bad his breath was.
I noticed a few weeks after he told me he was in love with someone else that he had a stack of polos and mints in his car.
Clearly she has pulled him on his bad breath too 🤢🤣

So here’s to a fresher smelling house, clean bedding that doesn’t smell and no longer having to kiss someone with dog breath! 🎉🎉🎉

hildabaker · 05/10/2024 17:39

My ex used to smell, too and he always managed to turn his pillows yellow with sweat. I mean, how does that even happen? I have slept on different pillows all my life and never once has one turned dark yellow.

Yogazmum · 05/10/2024 20:24

hildabaker · 05/10/2024 17:39

My ex used to smell, too and he always managed to turn his pillows yellow with sweat. I mean, how does that even happen? I have slept on different pillows all my life and never once has one turned dark yellow.

Urgh…. 🤢🤢🤢🤢
The yellow pillows… I totally get you! I’ve binned them all. The smell was rancid!
I remember coming back from a work trip and coming into our bedroom. I went to make the bed…& the smell of the duvet cover and pillow on his side actually made me heave! 🤮

I hope his OW is enjoying the smells now!

hildabaker · 05/10/2024 20:28

I too did a big visit to the recycling centre after my ex left, and threw all the yellow pillows into a skip. These men are single-handedly ruining the planet!

Jaz1987 · 06/10/2024 08:57

Ladies I love this 🙌🏻 my ex stinks sweaty yellow pillows and mattresses, grew a big disgusting beard 🤮 can’t believe I ever had sex with him 🤢 onwards and upwards! X

cadburyegg · 06/10/2024 12:41

BigBoysDontCry · 29/08/2024 09:01

A new one for me today. A few years ago we got a cheap, non frost free, extra freezer in the utility room that we mainly use for bread and fruit.

Anyway, he was always moaning about how icey it got because basically he never shut the fucking door properly and then it would be hard to shut the door as it was too icey.

Since he's left and it's just me and DS, a miracle has occurred and the freezer is in fact perfectly fine. Who knew all you had to do was shut the door properly... 🤔🙄

This reminds me that my ex always used to complain about changing the fucking bedsheets. That was one of his only jobs, change our bedsheets. It's a king size bed, and he'd always moan and complain about how it was a hassle and he hated it and it was such a faff.

Guess what, it really isn't.

rockingbird · 06/10/2024 13:03

Ewe the yellow pillows.. they really did stink!! I don't miss them!! I tried everything to keep them clean but somehow they always ended up yellow and lifeless 🤢
I find myself imagining who might put up with his snoring, disgusting toilet behaviour and general lack of hygiene.. when he drops off my DS I struggle to look at him now, wondering what I ever saw in him! He's living in complete squalor in our old house so unlikely anyone would see him as a catch..