Things I've noticed since the divorce

[TheWestfoldFell]

1. My house (I managed to buy a little home) is much cleaner and tidier despite the ikea boxes

2. I spend a lot less money on groceries AND my work lunches come out of this

3. my kids are a lot more chatty and animated when they are with me (50/50)

4. he's a narc

I've never known a narcissist to be a good father. They aren't capable.

I know it's not the point, but just keep an eye on that for your kids.

My father is a narcissist.

When I look back at my 2 dreadful exDH (I know, I know) I just think 'why, WHY, did I let him treat me/speak to me like that?' . You sort of get used to it, I think, and it seems such a difficult thing to walk away from it all. Plus they were awful in very different ways, so for a long time with my second ex I was thinking 'well, at least he doesn't do xzy like my first used to'. No, but he was cruel in different ways.

Life really is a learning game. Good luck to everyone reading this who is going through similar.

Oh that’s so similar to me, my ex partner was an overt narcissist and really cruel and sadistic over the 4 years I was with him.
I met my DH quite quickly and he trampled all over my boundaries (I see this now, not then) I just went with it because he was there and was safe, and said he wanted to prove to me he was worth it, or so I thought. Turns out he’s a covert narcissist and it was all sly manipulation. He twists everything. Blames me for a lot of things that are not my fault. His favourite saying is it’s not my fault 🤣 it’s always someone else’s fault. I feel so stupid I didn’t see what was happening over 17 years. I kept telling myself and so did other similar family members (men) well at least he works and provides. But tbh that’s all he did and all he felt he had to do 🤷🏻‍♀️ and I had the world on my shoulders while he did whatever he wanted and went to the pub when he wanted. I was stuck at home tied to the house with kids and had no life basically.

Since he went, my shoulder tension has gone! I still don’t have much of a life as our Asd/adhd daughter still will not stay over with him, it’s been over 3 months since he went. Our son stays with him but he’s easier to manipulate.

have him walking too fast when we went for a walk, despite me asking him to slow down

After my experiences with my most recent bf, that is now a red flag behaviour. It shows contempt for the shorter-legged person that will rapidly manifest in other areas of life.

I am so much less stressed overall. Much thicker skinned. More confident. Less lonely. Drink less. Generally enjoying my life more

Things I didn't expect when I broke free-
-How much room there is in mine and dc's life for creativity, we draw, make things. It's magical.
-How little his dog misses him...
How much of the crap in the garage wasn't his. Oh well.
-How much debt I'm currently in. But, I now have the head space and energy to earn more and the legal fees are getting chipped away at. He spent so much on alcohol , I pretty much financed family life.
I love being able to put rhe children to bed and not have half my thoughts on managing the situation where he comes home from work as they are settling down and it all turns to shit because he bursts in and demands something from me.
Before he went I was expecting a flush of joy to pull up outside and see his car wasn't there, meaning I could come through the door and not be second guessing what I'd need to deal with. That hasn't happened for some reason, and I still jump if I hear a diesel engine pull up, but the dog comes to tell me if it's his car. She always did love me best.

@hildabaker

Unskidded Bedsheets 😂 I thought I was the only one that had someone that could not wipe their arse properly !!!!

Keep going everyone. It might not be a straight line forward to happiness but we'll all get there.

Not having to deal with moody bastards is definitely a theme here.

I'm discovering how easy it is to outsource the "jobs" that he was always going to do but never got round to and made a mood if asked about. I mean he had the skills, the time and the tools (which he took) for them but just didn't and I always felt that I couldn't really get someone in or do them myself as that would also cause a mood.

Nowadays, if it's not something I'm comfortable to do myself, I employ someone, they arrive with a smile, do the job asked for, I pay them and then they go. Works out cheaper in the end as they don't use more than their fair share of family resources or expect their dinner and sex in return...

Wallpapered for the first time yesterday since i was a kid helping my mum (he didn't like wallpaper) and made a decent enough job. I'm working through all the tasks he never got round to now and also putting my own stamp on the house without having to engage for anyone else's opinion.

Go us!

Omg! This!!! I cannot tell you the joy I felt when I googled to find somebody to do a job, rang that person, they gave me a quote via email later that day, I accepted it, and then they came around the next week and did the job. voila! done! easy!

That's the thing @Headingtowardsdivorce He will be seen by other people as amiable, easy going and helpful. I believe at work he is conscientious, caring and hard working. Just seems to be for his family that he is a moody, lazy gobshite.

I'm actually pretty low maintenance and didn't actually ask for much but clearly was always at the bottom of his giving a shit list.

I'm sure he has very different memories and views and I think that the reasons he thinks we split up are very different to mine.

I'll never understand him tbh. He did eventually make contact with DC and met them in town for a couple of pints. He didn't feed them or take them for a meal despite not having seen either of them for nearly 2 months and them both having just had birthdays. But just prior to this he sent me a decent amount of money towards the upkeep of the car they share!

I’m discovering how easy it is to outsource the "jobs" that he was always going to do but never got round to and made a mood if asked about. I mean he had the skills, the time and the tools (which he took) for them but just didn't and I always felt that I couldn't really get someone in or do them myself as that would also cause a mood.

@BigBoysDontCry So, so familiar!

I’ve managed to get so many niggling little jobs dealt with since the ex left… a broken gate fixed, bannisters put up again, new taps installed, hinges repaired, a cracked window replaced, junk thrown out, the driveway waterblasted, the deck de-molded, painting done.

The ex resented every job he was responsible for and any time I raised that something needed doing (which I was happy to do my share of, I just wanted to split the jobs evenly) he would start up with what a taskmaster I was and how I always had a big list of jobs in my head for him. Well, yes, and a big list of jobs for me to do too, as there was a lot needing done, and he never seemed to proactively notice any of it! The house could fall into disrepair around him and he would just carry on ignoring it.

And of course, if I got fed up and said, okay, I’ll do it then, there would be huffing and sighing and protesting that NO, he’d said he would do it but this weekend he couldn’t so it would be next weekend. Except next weekend it would be raining, or he’d have a sore back, or he had suddenly decided to train for a half-marathon…

I'm sure he has very different memories and views and I think that the reasons he thinks we split up are very different to mine.

This also resonates @BigBoysDontCry

I love this thread @TheWestfoldFell , it's really made me think about all the things I don't miss. I've written a list of them in my journal, starting with his farting, belching and sniffing.

@BigBoysDontCry ha this made me chuckle! I spent years asking for things to be fixed/done and it never happened-god forbid I'd get someone in to do a job he hadn't got round to!! That never was an option.

When we left we moved into an empty shell of a house, I've taught myself how to wallpaper, decorate and got a professional in to do the jobs I can't. Absolute bliss!! This weekend I've built my very own office space in the lean-to space off the kitchen, built the desktop and shelves all from spare leftover wood from the pergola in the garden the carpenter left behind. I know he hates I've become so handy 😆 I've got my own circular saw, nail gun and all sorts.. I get great satisfaction from completing all these little jobs myself. Even fitted an outside tap for the hot tub with the help of YouTube.

4 years+ I waited for a curtain pole to go up.. amusingly he did it after I left. Turns out I'm quite handy, he's fricking useless!!

Go strong women!! I'm very proud of you all.

My ex would notice the state of things and would moan about them but would make no effort to do anything about them.

I spent time making up a plan and having a routine to get and keep the house in a decent condition which he ignored and then about 18 months later asked me about it to which I confirmed that I'd chucked in the bin. Honestly!!

oh and i did chuckle when he was moaning that his new place (1 bed flat) needed redecorated after he got the keys and saw it empty and how he really didn't have the time to paint. Yep whereas I will have plenty of time to decorate a whole neglected house which is still full of all the shite he left behind. Absolutely no awareness.

All your stories from further down the line are really motivating! I am only 5 days in but have just spent the first 2 days at home alone whilst the kids are at his. In that time I've had a shocking migraine, done two loads of washing, rearranged the entire downstairs so it is now robot hoover friendly, filled a binbag with dust and fluff that was hidden under hard to reach things, not to mention the 5 full nights sleep in a proper bed after 18 months hopping between the camp bed in my kids room or the sofa. Other improvements so far, no piles of socks anywhere or other weird stashes of washing, I have a bookshelf with books on it not piles of cables gathering dust, and I have spent most of the rest of the time soaking up the calmness and silence and just sit with my feelings. And I also have a list of DIY jobs to do: all the small stuff that made the place look grim but he never got around to doing because he would scoff at the idea that it needed doing, like sort out peeling paint in the bathroom. I want the place to be clean and welcoming and for my friends to want to visit now I have a spare room!

I've read so many of these today- I have been in the divorce process for nearly two years now, crazy debt in legal costs after mediation achieved nothing, and now I have been made redundant.

So here's what I am looking forward to by not living together.

1. No more dirty socks left laying around, hurrah.
2. His bedside table with four pint glasses of barely touched blackcurrant and apple juice, because he has to take a drink to bed.
3. His arse. The shit on the toilet, the pubes round the loo and left in the shower, the way he farts in his sleep.
4. His habit of picking at the hard skin on the back of his feet.
5. The way he walks like his knees are elastic, just doing some weird bounce like he's the bloke off the 90s soft mints advert.
6. His fat gut. I've had two children, he still looks like he's harbouring twins in there.
7. The way he's incapable of stepping foot in the kitchen without leaving mess on literally all the work surfaces.
8. How the bath mat is left on the floor after use and so never dries and smells fusty...and he's not discovered washing it.
9. His crap laundry "system" which seems to involve laundry all over the lounge in various bags and piles where it sits for a week before anything happens to it.
10. Stuff being left on the stairs which I think means it needs to go upstairs, but he will walk past it 100 times first.
11. The way he has to sit in the downstairs toilet to crap his brains out so you smell it the minute you walk in the house, or go by the kitchen.
12. His teeth. We don't kiss and haven't done for ages, but I am glad I never need to go near his browny yellow teeth that he doesn't care for, bleurgh.
13. That poxy mother in law. Nasty piece of work. The way we have to have her teabags and sweeteners in so she doesn't react put out when offered a cup of tea. The annual pressure of her wanting to come over for Christmas dinner, which starts in January for the whole damn year- literally took a global pandemic to have dinner as an immediate family.
14. The way he is perfectly happy lying down with his hand up his arse crack.
15. The mess, everywhere, and absolute inability to put anything back where it came from.

Oh and...

• The way food just sits in the sink round the sink strainer, and can be there for the best part of a week.
• His belief salad can stay out on the worksurface- he'd chop a cucumber and leave the rest out, not even wrapped.
• How whenever he wanted to ask for sex, he'd call it nookie and put on a baby voice.
• His mobile phone. He has you tube video's on 24/7 starting at 6am. There's always the background noise of a video running. He'd fall asleep in the lounge, I'd wake him up. he'd go to bed and insist he needed another video to fall asleep to.
• Being able to use my dining table and not have to clear his computer away because the man child sits on his butt all day at 39 playing minecraft.

OMG! I feel sick

I bet he's surprised that you want to divorce him, @Baffers100

This. Reasonably happy relationship, but after 25 years feel that I'm done with being part of a couple. I do still like him. No big gripes. But just am so over being a twosome, (plus kids) and every decision being about everyone's needs. I love it when I have the house to myself, am fed up of cooking. Etc
Anyone done a relationship gap year?

@Baffers100 How the fuck have you got through this without committing murder! I read all of those bullet points and realised I had subconsciously done it with a disgusted look on my face. He is absolutely revolting.

I secretly saved for two month's rent then left with three children and two suitcases. He would sit and drink on the doorstep and howl at how much he loved us all even though he did everything possible to never spend a minute with us. It was tough but I loved locking that front door. I never let him in again and although it’s been 40 years now I’ve never regretted it.

Heard it this morning on the radio : ‘ 1 is a whole number’ . Too right, it is lonely sometimes being on your own, but it’s also more lonely living with the wrong person.

Oh my goodness @Baffers100 I feel seen. Every single bullet point is identical to what my 'd'H does. Oh, except the mother in law one, I actually like mine, she's great!

In addition, complete uselessness and lack of awareness of basic things. I recently got home from a few days with the kids, him absolved of any responsibility for those days (no different from normal tbh) with nothing to do but look after himself, and went upstairs to discover not a scrap of toilet roll (and the holder had fallen off the wall and just lay there on the floor), and the boiler error light flashing to say the pressure had dropped and therefore there was no hot water. How long he had just accepted not having any hot water with no attempt to fix it, god knows. It took me ten seconds to fix it.

All of this, my god, I am longing to be free from it.