Things I've noticed since the divorce

[TheWestfoldFell]

1. My house (I managed to buy a little home) is much cleaner and tidier despite the ikea boxes

2. I spend a lot less money on groceries AND my work lunches come out of this

3. my kids are a lot more chatty and animated when they are with me (50/50)

4. he's a narc

Totally brilliant!

Ditto

I wanted to add to this today.. sitting here drinking my morning coffee (alone in peace). Not being woken up by some fat a-hole with a hard on who needs to use it or lose it.. I was treated very much as a sex object for many years!! I take great delight in knowing that I can sleep naked with being pestered ☺️

Can relate to this.

It's almost 11 years to the day that I chucked my ex out. I'm sitting here drinking a cup of tea, looking out at the sun shining and the birds singing. It's so peaceful. I still wake up every day and thank myself for having the strength to create this peaceful life. That feeling will never leave me.

*without!! Being pestered 🤣

@RainbowZebraWarrior it's bliss isn't it!

It was certainly worth the upheaval just for that peace and quiet. I often go to bed and in my head remind myself how far we've come, what we have and how thankful I am. 🙏

Fan Bloody Tastic!!!!!!!!

I agree. It’s usually at bedtime I’m reminded about how lucky I am to not live with my ex. I think it’s because it’s a peaceful time of day now, I’m no longer dreading a night of constantly being woken up by snoring, movements, or other bodily functions.

I have read every message on this thread in the last few days and it is exactly what I needed right now thank you everyone.

I'm moving out in exactly 7 days, and he has suddenly just stopped threatening more violence and now is being very helpful and helping me pack, even taking me to the shops to get bubble wrap etc. Being sad but thoughtful and kind and nice. It's messing with my head in a really big way.

I know logically this is the same man who has attacked me and gets violent as a default emption at any difficulty in life. But he is also the same one who I really love and had such strong visions and dreams about how our life would be.

But I can play at this for 7 days if that's what I need to do to keep him nice and not destructive. But it is really messing with my head. So these will be my mantra over the next 7 days.

• I can sleep uninterrupted, every single night. At what time I choose. I will be refreshed and have energy again. I won't have to go to work saying I have allergies because my face is red and swollen eyes from crying after a an explosive argument. ,
• I can cook creatively, with my favourite vegetables and flavours. Use as many utensils as I like (he gets "stressed out" by mess).
• I can still go camping and hiking, I can join a group and make friends and memories like in a cheesy movie lol ( I recently watched the one with Ellie Kemper on netflix!)
• If I want to spend a few hours in the evening doing work I can. It won't make anyone feel insecure.
• I can leave a suitcase unpacked for a few days instead of unpacking it in the first 15mins of being home or else risk being called lazy and shit etc and eventually being physically attacked.
• I don't have to consider his feelings as I move about my home.
• I will learn to trust that I can do things myself and rely on myself. I am dyslexic and he does alot for me which from the outside looks caring and nice but makes me feel incapable/stupid.
• I will become more kind again. Stop assuming everyone has bad intentions like he does.
• I will sit in a hammock in the garden of my new shared house and chat nice nonsense about how my day has gone with nice friendly female housemates. Without being told I am selfish for talking about my day/ I talk too much and drive him mad.

It's funny reading this back- why is it these things feel like the wins? Rather than just simply no violence?

Keep going teacake! The relief will be immense but it will take time for your emotions to settle, but suddenly you'll realise that the knot in your shoulders is gone.

I'm finding that I no longer walk about the house swearing to myself about things that have been done or not done.

Ex hasn't been in touch with our DC (22 & 23) for over a month now, he moved out mid June, briefly saw them at the end of June when he popped over to pick something up. At that point he gave them both some money for upcoming birthdays and that's that. DS1s birthday passed, no text or card or offer to take him for a pint. DS2s is this week.

It's his loss.

I told him (and them) that I wasn't being the middle man any more and that if he (and they) wanted a relationship then they'd need to make the effort. I also pointed out that DS1 is autistic and hell would freeze before he would make the first move. DS2 lives in a different city, like many he's not keen on using the phone but we have chats over text/messenger etc. Not sure why ex can't just text his sons to ask how they are.

Anyway, I'm still navigating being single, I've had to pull my big girl pants up a few times and deal with things that he might have helped with but overall the balance is definitely in more favour of being without him rather than with.

I don't ever want another relationship but I do mourn the things we might have done together that I will probably never do now. On the other hand there will be plenty of things that I will do that I wouldn't have done had we been together.

Onwards and upwards everyone!

I think your comment about balance @BigBoysDontCry is spot on - there are things I "miss" about being with my ex, and when I miss them too much I have to remind myself what a nasty bastard he could be so that I'm not tempted to fall back in...but on balance, life is a lot, lot better and easier without him in it. And the balance tips more in that direction as time goes on, to the point that where we are now (me and DC) is just fine, we are 100% where we are and getting on with life rather than sadly operating at 50% because he's not there, if that makes sense?

Yep I get that completely. It's even the simple things, like last week we had a couple of days where the weather was nice. If DH was living here, I'd probably have gone for a walk on my own after dinner. However, I said to DS did he fancy a walk and a drop in at the local (lots of outside tables) on the way home for a drink. He was totally up for that and we had a nice stroll and an hour sitting outside at the pub in the sunshine. If I'd offered to do that with DH he'd have looked at me like I was mad to even think about that on a weekday evening (i had a cola and DS had a beer) plus he'd have taken an hour at least cleaning up the kitchen and the moment would have passed, I'd have had my alone walk and DS would have sat in his bedroom. Instead, we finished dinner, DS and i quickly cleared up together in 10 minutes and we headed out.

DS is not my partner, but he lives a narrow life due to his autism and whilst I'd rather he was out with friends, better he is out with me than not at all. I do have other friends.... 😁

That's why I'm sad that DH won't make the effort to contact his son and go for a pint or have him over for his tea or whatever. As I say, his loss. I mean I know he loves his son's and he'll leave everything to them but I think they'd rather have some time with him now.

As for other stuff I just need to work round it. I don't really enjoy driving outside my local area and ex loved driving and the countryside. I miss the opportunity to enjoy holidays in remote areas as I'm not comfortable driving there and neither is DS1. On the other hand ex had decided he no longer wanted to go abroad on holiday so I'm looking forward to saving up for that and getting away maybe next year.

Back with another one this morning.. ☺️
Not filling the kettle to the brim to boil for one cup of tea!! Just why??? Such a waste of water, electricity and time!

Another unexpected benefit is, that female friends come out of the woodwork. Friends who looked like they lived a perfect life, had an amazing marriage, from the outside looking in at least.

But some of them are really struggling, as it turns out. And what use is our new superpowers of intolerance to bullshit, and building ourselves up, if we can't turn our new clarity onto the shoddy behaviour of other husbands, like the eye of Sauron sweeping across the land and spotlighting things that aren't good enough for our lovely friends. Spreading the power.

That totally made me laugh @QueensOfTheVolksAge such an apt description and yes, so true also. The number of people that have have now divulged stuff to me is amazing. Including my SiLs who've been married to my brothers for over 40 years!

Very true @QueensOfTheVolksAge! I have an ever increasing circle of women joining my gang ☺️ they suddenly show themselves and sympathise/share stories of a scarily similar nature.. the handbook of being a c*nt is much used by these guys.

Oh I'm wallowing in self pity today this is exactly what I need 😊
Not driving home on a Friday wondering how to get through a weekend if it was just me and him
The constant snoring from the settee
The gap down the middle of the bed
The uncomfortable silences - I love the quiet now
My house my money my decisions . . .

Wasn't married to the ex but after I left...

I could cook spicy food again
I could cut my hair.
I could wear what I liked.
I could take up my crafts and reading again... he took great offence if my attention wasn't on him 100% and even reading a book could set him off.
I had more money.
I could go out with friends or colleagues and not spend the evening trying to figure out ways to handle his inevitable mood.
I no longer got pointed birthday gifts for weight loss or fitness ( I was a size 6-8 so this was just nastiness)
My possessions stopped getting mysteriously smashed or damaged.

DH now can be messy and disorganised, and a few more mentioned on this thread. I can deal with the open drawers and cupboards and toilet roll not being replaced because DH brings kindness, generosity, care and consideration into the home.

I am horrified by the number of posters who've been coerced into unwanted sex.

You all, every one of you, deserve better.

Agree, it's lovely to sleep naked in the warm weather without that apparently being an invitation.

Do it. That last point should be your red line.

Mine had zero clue anything was wrong so I did my job. But now we have split they've coped so much better than I would have thought. Maybe it helps that ex h actually did something that caused this so they can support me.

1. No longer someone waking me up at random times to argue or walking on egg shells due to him being on bad mood.
2. House generally clean. Went away with kids for 2 weeks and was able to come to a clean home. Usually if going away previously and leaving him alone in the house by the time I got back fridge full of rotten food, flies everywhere and house needing full clean.
3. No resentment that Im the only adult in house doing something!
4. No arguing about money/ bills etc
5. Being free to move in the whole house doing what I want. For year or so before divorce came through he was sleeping in living room and hence I could never spend any time there.
6. No constant questioning on where Im or what Im doing.
7. I can cook what I / kids want and no-one telling its worst than dog food (Im actually a good cook).

No more him telling me that going to the gym is classed as a 'night out'. I go to the gym at least 3 times a week now, and it still feels good to have the freedom!

When I left him, he said I would:

-'Struggle financially' (I am doing well at work after a recent promotion)

-'Not have any problem finding a man, but would struggle to keep in a long term relationship at my age' (I've been with my new partner for nearly 5 years and it's going really well)

-'Will lose my looks after 6 years' (I'm doing fine, still happy with my face!)

-'Have to cut down on my hobby due to childcare' (I do more of it that when I was with him and it fits in fine with my life)

-'Not be able to afford a mortgage and have to rent' (I have a mortgage and I can afford it)

I don't miss drinking enough to try and be in the mood to have sex with him, have him walking too fast when we went for a walk, despite me asking him to slow down, have him not 'let me' eat in his car or go on my phone while he was driving.

I also don't miss having to hear about how much he hates his job (and according to the kids, he still does this).

Good luck to everyone out there who is looking for a way out. If you are prepared to work hard, I promise you that life will be better!

This threat is so wonderful. I'm mid way through the divorce and it's getting nasty. Ex is abusive and is using every trick in the book. This thread gives me hope. Thank you 🙂