Advice re relocation of children

[warrior2018]

Hi, TIA for reading and commenting. I separated from my hb 2 years ago and we share 50/50 custody of our two children, ds 9 and dd 6. My entire family live an hour away as I relocated to live with my hb. He is estranged from his family therefore no extended family here. He is a fireman and works 4 days on, 4 off including 2 night shifts and I work as a nurse 9-5, Mon to Fri. Currently I hv the kids on the 4 days he works and he when he’s off. I have shown I am unable to continue current arrangement as it means making up a lot of hours in work due to childcare and not enough a/l to cover childcare over kids holidays and he is unable to have the kids more. I have a job offer back home with better prospects and career progression/better salary in the long term and more flexible hours so I can offer more childcare without having to make hours up plus with family close by will be able to help me out which they can’t do where I am currently. Housing is also cheaper and can offer a better standard of living. My ex has applied for PSO to stop me moving on grounds he will see them less and CAFCASS report has deemed not in kids best interests due to this fact, but I can demonstrate he will still have them same amount of weekends as now and he can travel to see them after school during the week as he won’t be working. If I move he cannot provide care for kids due to his shifts but I do not want to make it seem I will be moving regardless of the courts decision. Anyone any experience in this area?

Take him to court for regular weekly contact and he can sort childcare when he works.

He can’t sort childcare for when he works as he works night shifts tho and we are going through court now

That's his problem. If he wants you to be reasonable, he has to be as well.

What does your solicitor say?

She said just to submit my position statement outlining my reasons and evidence that it’s in the kids best interests and it will be read at the final hearing. Obviously in an ideal world it would be 50/50 but due to work it’s just not sustainable and the CAFCASS report just completely dismissed my inability to make the current situation work and said that it should continue, with no suggestions or recommendation for modifying it.

Plenty of childminders work nights so no excuse for him not to be able to find childcare.

My point is that to cover him working it would on some weeks require cover on 2 evenings including school pick up until 6:30pm, plus 2 overnights from 5pm until and including school drop off the next mornings. Is it really in their best interests to be covered by a stranger for that amount of time, than for them to relocate with their mother?!

He really only works 2 day time days a week you could pick them up on his night shifts before he goes to work. So that would work that way. I would 100% explain everything youve said to the courts and see if it gets lifted l. I don't see being an hour away that bad. He could easily see them 6 days out of 8

I think you’re going to find it tough. As I understand it you and he both currently have the children 50/50, four nights at his and four nights at yours. As far as we can tell that works well for the children - presumably you would have said if not. But it doesn’t work for you, because of your shift patterns.

You want to change that arrangement and be the primary carer, with him getting EOW and some evening contact. You also want to take the DC out of their current school and homes and move them an hour away. He doesn’t want either of these things.

Honestly I don’t think the courts are going to allow you to do this. 50/50 is fair, he wants to continue it and is able to manage child care on his days. Unless he’s neglectful (and it doesn’t sound like he is) I don’t think you can unilaterally decide he doesn’t get 50/50 any more. Imagine he announced he wanted to move an hour away and take the DC with him, but you could see them EOW. How would you feel about that? Presumably not great.

I would look at less drastic alternatives. Can you move house to somewhere halfway between your parents and DCs’ school? You would still be 30 minutes from parents but maybe at that distance they would be able to do some weekend childcare. Can you change your shift pattern? Maybe go part time and supplement with locum work on the days your ex has the DC.

It does work for the kids, and in an ideal world it would continue, but I am unable to continue this due to having to make up an excess amount of hours per week due to childcare and not having enough a/l over the kids holidays. I have been saying to him for some time that it’s not working and asked for extra assistance from him during holidays which he’s refused saying he’s physically unable to assist anymore and he’s told me it’s unable to be changed without giving any suggestions as to modification to make it workable for me. I am not making a unilateral decision but he has refused to come to the table to discuss arrangements, including finances and 2 years later we haven’t reached agreement about anything and has merely said ‘no’ to anything I’ve asked for or suggested.
My proposed schedule on relocating would give him just as many weekends as he has now, just seeing them in the week will be difficult as they’ll be at school but he can still see them after school when he’s off.
Im unable to change my shift pattern, I’m an NHS worker and can’t get locum positions at my current level - if I was to relocate with my job offer it would enable me to progress my career and this might be possible but in my current position I can’t. My service operates a 9-5 provision but I already work flexibly around childcare and they can’t alter this anymore. And even living 3 miles away from the school as I was the one to move out of the marital home, it takes me 25 mins approx to get to the school in rush hour traffic so moving further away isn’t really an option I don’t think.

They can’t stop you from moving. He isn’t going to take the kids on full time.

They can change primary residency if op breaks pso or ex refuses to allow children to move. Not saying it would come to that of course but courts can do that

not going to comment on current arrangements etc but one thing to consider is that as children grow into teams they are likely to want less rigid routines, and not eow, favouring time with friends, clubs, sports etc and ability to dip in and out of parents houses. This fundamentally can’t happen with a hour drive so it can impact the kids a lot

I know they can’t stop me from moving but I don’t want to go into court with that attitude 😬

Yeah I get that, as they get older they’ll want time w friends etc. I’m a child of divorce myself and had eow with my dad who lived over an hour away and it was just accepted that that was my time w my dad and I enjoyed that time very much, never once didn’t want to go in favour of friends etc. But I do get your point.

A judge is likely to take the recommendation of Cafcass so having that against you is a big hurdle.

Did the report suggest any other childcare order?
If there is a PSO it would be very unwise of you to unilaterally move the children. A judge would treat that seriously. Absolutely don't move unless you are prepared to do so without the children.

I'm not sure I understand why you struggle with childcare when he works, if your hours are 9-5pm. Is there childcare for school collection/drop off and holiday clubs?

I really do have empathy for you because being close to family is a help however courts are very much in favour of status quo...and for 2 years the arrangement has "worked". It will get easier as children are older as assume they can go to school by themselves.

Did Cafcass speak with the children? At their ages they may have been deemed too young as usually it's around 11 when their wishes & feelings are taken into account.

Are You divorced yeu? Is the child care arrangement formalised?

They can't stop you moving but they can prevent the children from changing schools.

This Is so frustrating for you because your entire arrangement is based around his working pattern and you just have to make your working pattern work somehow. Seems incredibly unfair.

What exactly is the problem you're having on your time, that you're trying to solve?

Just refuse to provide extra childcare. If he's on a day shift and you're working 9-5 just stop being flexible on drop offs and pick ups. Once he has to find, organise and pay for childcare he might be more willing to negotiate.

Whilst I agree you shouldn't move without permission, surely the courts will agree that having you provide childcare is better than a stranger, even if that means less time with him.

I say this as someone who has an excellent co-parenting relationship with a lot of flexibility on both sides, so definitely not bitter or purposely difficult

Yes I know it was a big frustration for me. I went into the interview unprepared and didn’t discuss a lot of things that the courts should take into consideration but I have discussed this in my position statement. The Cafcass report was based on v simple information and just totally dismissed my inability to make the childcare arrangement work - wrap around care will cost several hundred pounds per month which I don’t have, and the before/after school clubs are full with massive waiting lists. I also don’t have the amount of annual leave entitlement I need to cover the school holidays - I needed 34 days last year and have 28 and he has refused requests to have the kids more as he’s working too.
the Cafcass report just recommends continuing the current arrangement with no further suggestions on modification, only saying he could look at helping out more but also acknowledge that he has been physically unable to assist more previously and with nothing changing about his work situation I fail to see how he can help out more.
Cafcass spoke w the kids but they’re too young to be asked outright about moving. Bless them they’re both happy with the situation and don’t understand about the difficulties I’m having and I wouldn’t put that on them either.
I wouldn’t be looking at moving the kids with a PSO in place that would be stupid and I’m guessing, illegal. If I move, they have less contact w me than they would have w him if I moved w them.
We are not yet formally divorced and the childcare arrangement is not formalised no.

Yes which in effect stops the children from relocating w me

Are you listed for a final hearing? Can you afford legal advice or a direct access barrister to represent you? If you want to challenge the CAFCASS report you're going to need to cross examine the Cafcass officer about the lack of understanding/analysis in their report so that the judge doesn't feel able to rely on the recommendation. I would strongly advise a barrister do this, and they can also cross examine the children's dad on his reasons for refusal.

Exactly. The current arrangement works around him wonderfully but I have to juggle work. He doesn’t have to worry about school journeys/childcare as he’s off work and he can take his annual leave wherever he likes. Whereas I have to work flexibly, make up a ton of hours outside my normal working hours and having the kids and use every scrap of my annual leave for childcare.
Those are the issues I’m trying to solve - I have to make up as much as 9.5 hours per week, outside of normal working hours so often end up working my weekends I have to myself, and that I don’t have enough a/l to cover the holidays. Having my family around if I move will help me with this and also I have a current job offer in place that has better prospects/earning potential and also more flexible hours.

Have you told him he needs to split wrap around care costs? Most people don’t have enough annual leave to cover holidays so need to use summer camps etc

have you told him that the choices are moving away or him contributing costs ? ( appreciate waiting lists etc) has he refused ?

Not yet. They hear the case tomorrow but without attendance. Then it will be directed to adjudication. I have a solicitor who has advised this and said they might ask Cafcass to give evidence yes.
Thanks for this. I’m struggling to afford her bills but if a barrister is my best chance I’ll do whatever I can to afford it 😩

Have I misunderstood?

OP works Monday - Friday, not far off school hours. Her ex works four days on, four days off. It sounds like she is facilitating his contact my starting work late/early and so on. No way should she be doing that? If it's his days he sorts the kids. If it's her days, she does. Shift work is unlikely to lend itself well to 50:50 contact when schooling is Monday- Friday, but that's not the OP's problem, it's her ex's.

I'd stop doing any extra childcare for him OP. Let him source it/struggle. I say this as a single parent who finds the juggle of work and childcare hard, and it's so stressful having to fill in for someone else to boot...

Haven’t had this conversation or been able to have much conversation w him tbh as he’s refused to discuss it, pulled out of mediation and put the court application in 🤷🏽‍♀️