Advice re relocation of children

[warrior2018]

Hi, TIA for reading and commenting. I separated from my hb 2 years ago and we share 50/50 custody of our two children, ds 9 and dd 6. My entire family live an hour away as I relocated to live with my hb. He is estranged from his family therefore no extended family here. He is a fireman and works 4 days on, 4 off including 2 night shifts and I work as a nurse 9-5, Mon to Fri. Currently I hv the kids on the 4 days he works and he when he’s off. I have shown I am unable to continue current arrangement as it means making up a lot of hours in work due to childcare and not enough a/l to cover childcare over kids holidays and he is unable to have the kids more. I have a job offer back home with better prospects and career progression/better salary in the long term and more flexible hours so I can offer more childcare without having to make hours up plus with family close by will be able to help me out which they can’t do where I am currently. Housing is also cheaper and can offer a better standard of living. My ex has applied for PSO to stop me moving on grounds he will see them less and CAFCASS report has deemed not in kids best interests due to this fact, but I can demonstrate he will still have them same amount of weekends as now and he can travel to see them after school during the week as he won’t be working. If I move he cannot provide care for kids due to his shifts but I do not want to make it seem I will be moving regardless of the courts decision. Anyone any experience in this area?

Think you need to find holiday clubs for children for the extra days not covered by AL and agree to split the cost. Right now you seem to be thinking of your own needs and not how much this will uproot the children from there dad during the week, school and friends.

Courts will see you trying to compromise him as not. You can't sort his problems.

You are restricted by 9-5, and 28 days holidays. You are responsible for the children for 50% of the time. At most, you should have to find childcare solutions 50% of the time. You are off, every Saturday and every Sunday.

Based on the logic your husband is using, that he only has the kids on his days off - you should have the kids every weekend, 28 days of holiday plus 8 bank holidays - leaving you 43 days where you have to juggle your hours to drop off and pick up - approximately one day a week during term time, plus 4 other days... I am guessing that this would be possible for you.

The other 182 days are his to manage - regardless of his shift pattern.

That is the reverse of what he is expecting of you.

I think you need to find a solution that works for you both - your current solution only works for him. It is only reasonable that you both have to juggle and pay. It is not fair that all of the childcare costs fall to you because you take the children when he is working. He does not take the children when you are working.

You need to show that you are the one making offers and proposals and he is refusing everything. That is a really important aspect of your case. He can't expect you to facilitate his career now that you are separating.

And are you the only one paying for any childcare costs? That is not fair either and should be mentioned too.

My move was 150 miles. He ended up seeing the kids less because he couldn't just turn up with no notice, and couldn't cancel on them either. It worked better for everyone IMO.

You should be able to accept a role with a significant pay rise. It will improve your life and the children's lives, and the status quo cannot continue. Make sure you are very clear on your reasons so you can answer when they question you. It is quite scary.

I wish you luck in your case, it sounds like you are run ragged trying to accommodate him and it really isn't fair.

Ps you mentioned his pension, you do know that you are entitled to a share of that don't you? I was so desperate to get out that I ignored all the financial negotiations but now I wish I hadn't.

That's a him problem

This. DM moved us away from DF at a similar age. Heartbreaking at the time (although I quickly settled in and made new friends) and later on it inevitably meant we saw much less of DF. My social life was all in the new town, and as a young teen, I wanted to be out and about with friends. My DF is far from perfect as a parent, but I believe our relationship would be better today if we hadn't moved so far away. I hope your exh steps up to help you find a solution.

So your arguement is that you don't have enough time off to cover after-school clubs and holidays. You could use childcare but you can't afford it.

Except that you could apply for UC to help with these costs and you are getting CB. In a years time, your eldest won't need childcare any longer, so costs reducing further.

I can't see your argument standing in court. For the sake of maybe a few extra ££, you want to change your kids from their schools and not being able to spend as much time with their dad.

Its not going to hold.

Yes I know I’m entitled to that. My pension is significantly less and he has a large amount of savings. We have t reached a financial settlement bc what he wants to keep will make it impossible for me to buy a home to accommodate me and the children

When my son is 10 he won’t need childcare anymore? How do you fathom that?!
I think maybe you haven’t read correctly - my reasons for wanting to move are more substantial than finances

I would take your ex out of the equation. He can't stop you moving because he isn't willing to be primary carer. That's the long and the short of it. He can control the children but he can't control you. Just tell the court that you're planning to move whatever the outcome of the case and unless he's willing to parent full-time, there's nothing he/they can do.

The real question for you is what you think is in your DC's best interests. If it's staying, can he offer you a package of practical and financial support that means you can manage and still feel vaguely human? If not, you're off.

Relationships depend on the individuals. I grew up away from my dad and I have a closer r’ship w him now than I do w anyone else

I get it. I think there’s a lot to weigh up. Ideally it would be in the dc interests to stay and have more contact w their father. This is the only thing that worries me about moving. But I can still facilitate a good amount of contact between them and so can he if he’s willing. I have to weigh up the significance of my job offer and the improved quality of life this will give us which I won’t have here. It’s a lot to think about that ultimately I guess will rest w the courts decision unless I am adamant about moving regardless which is a bold move to make

Remember that an hour is no distance at all. Many people commute longer than that daily. Some secondary age children round here have a longer trip to school than that! He could come on his days off and take the kids out after school or to their activities, if he was minded to.

Op I get it and it's a tough situation. His job is ruling everything. What if you decided to go back on the wards and worked shifts. He'd then have to show more flexibility.

I would work on getting a better situation living where you are. Like others have suggested, start with school holidays. Offer he has the first two weeks of summer, you middle two then a week each at the end (or whatever denomination). That's totally reasonable and means BOTH of you will have to take annual leave.

Then try and agree set times the rest of the year. His shifts can't dictate everything. Do you currently lose out on many weekends (in a row) due to his working pattern? When my dh worked 4 on 4 off there was several weeks in a row when he was off weekends then several where he was working. It was shit.

I wouldn’t go back to the wards - it would mean going into management to mirror my current banding and salary which I don’t want. And if not then a pay drop for worse working conditions. I don’t want to go back to that kind of stress there was a very good reason I moved away from bedside nursing as most nurses do to progress their career.
I will put together a few options for modifying current arrangements that would work better for me including splitting time over summer hols. Week on/week off would work out as me taking far less leave but in bigger blocks which would suit me more. I know he will say it’s not doable for him due to his shifts and he will say he’s restricted on when he takes his annual leave (fire service have a weird way of arranging annual leave it’s very inflexible) but at least I have presented options to him. He has had ample opportunity to come up w options of his own and he has refused.
Weekends are pretty equal between us - he works a couple in a row, has half the next weekend off then is off for a couple in a row so it works out pretty equally now and this wouldn’t change.

Isn't the compromise to live 30 minutes away from him and 3'mind from your family - many if not most commute 30 minutes each day, no big deal

I don’t really understand how changing to a fixed schedule or the ex having the children whilst he is working would help the OP?

Let’s say the OP has the children every Monday and Tuesday and every other Wednesday. She works 9-5. She still has to arrange after school cover 2.5 days a week which she says is unaffordable . This is presumably on average the same amount she has to cover atm. Same for the holidays. It would probably be easier to arrange childcare on fixed days but it doesn’t seem that that is an option anyway.

Meanwhile with a fixed pattern the children’s father has to put them in childcare around half the time including overnight with no real benefit to the OP. There might be an argument for a fixed pattern being easier on the children but that’s likely balanced out by more time in childcare overall.

I can see that it’s frustrating that the schedule is all organised around the ex’s work pattern but I don’t think a court would want that changed just so that both parents are similarly inconvenienced if it doesn’t solve the OPs issue. If say he was getting more weekend time overall that might change things.

And the ex might agree to share childcare costs to facilitate OP staying but as I understand it this is childcare on OPs time so he’s not really obligated to.

I think maybe you haven’t read correctly - my reasons for wanting to move are more substantial than finances
But this is about what is best for the children.

It sounds like you are earning a decent wage, Band 7 or even 8A which goes to £56k after 5 years.

You could still get help from UC towards childcare. Ok, I misread the age of your kids, it's 3 years before your eldest start secondary.

All you ask is a benefit to you, not your kids. The judge will look at what is best for your kids. So how do they benefit by moving?

I’m band 6 atm with the job offer enabling me to complete my nurse prescriber training which will give me the opportunity to move into band7 which is a £50k wage. I’m on £43k atm. He’s on £36k. It will mean a substantially better standard of living for myself and the children - better housing, more money for social/extracurriculars and holidays. And the hours are more flexible, more home working and less travelling to do visits as I’m a community nurse so struggle to fit visits and admin into school hours which pushes more work into outside of those hours. Means I’ll have more time and energy to focus on the kids and won’t have to rely on before/after school care. Have an extended network of family there who can support w this and the kids are close to them too so they get more of a r’ship w them.

Means I’ll have more time and energy to focus on the kids and won’t have to rely on before/after school care. Have an extended network of family there who can support w this and the kids are close to them too so they get more of a r’ship w them
So you'll need to convince a judge that those benefits outweigh your kids adapting to anew home, school and seeing much less of their dad and what he brings to them.

I commute nearly 30 mins to the school bc of rush hour traffic now and I live 3 miles from the school 🤯

I don't think expecting him to go from 16 days a month to 4 days is in the best interest of the children or him, how would you feel if the children stay with him and you reduce your contact time to weekends only?

He could get an au pair to cover the times he's on nights

I'm not sure why you are having to make up so much time at work, 9-5 is pretty standard, do you not use after-school clubs on your days?

I'm not sure why posters are questioning you so much. If you are finding aspects of your life unmanageable then you should be able to make changes, not be forced to stick with them by your ex. The current arrangement is not working and the ex is refusing to discuss it, so it will end up in court. People's lives change, he cannot expect your life to fit around his forever. Please stop being so accommodating to him.

If you are 50/50 and yet he refuses to pay any childcare costs then that is not fair either. Has your solicitor said you can bring that up in court?

The new job offer sounds good and you have put thought into how it can work for all of you, including your ex. If you manage to get everything across to the judge in court I am sure you stand a good chance of achieving the outcome you want.

He’s not refusing to pay costs, I haven’t suggested it as an option to make the current arrangement work to be honest. I looked into before and after school care and the one associated w the school has no places til Sept 2025 and they would expect the kids to do the same days every week which wouldn’t fit his schedule. And the summer camps are ludicrous prices 🤦🏽‍♀️