Advice re relocation of children

[warrior2018]

Hi, TIA for reading and commenting. I separated from my hb 2 years ago and we share 50/50 custody of our two children, ds 9 and dd 6. My entire family live an hour away as I relocated to live with my hb. He is estranged from his family therefore no extended family here. He is a fireman and works 4 days on, 4 off including 2 night shifts and I work as a nurse 9-5, Mon to Fri. Currently I hv the kids on the 4 days he works and he when he’s off. I have shown I am unable to continue current arrangement as it means making up a lot of hours in work due to childcare and not enough a/l to cover childcare over kids holidays and he is unable to have the kids more. I have a job offer back home with better prospects and career progression/better salary in the long term and more flexible hours so I can offer more childcare without having to make hours up plus with family close by will be able to help me out which they can’t do where I am currently. Housing is also cheaper and can offer a better standard of living. My ex has applied for PSO to stop me moving on grounds he will see them less and CAFCASS report has deemed not in kids best interests due to this fact, but I can demonstrate he will still have them same amount of weekends as now and he can travel to see them after school during the week as he won’t be working. If I move he cannot provide care for kids due to his shifts but I do not want to make it seem I will be moving regardless of the courts decision. Anyone any experience in this area?

Has he given any thoughts to childcare arrangements on his days over the summer?

He doesn’t need to. He only has the kids on his days off.

Of course. Yes, you definitely need a new arrangement. Good luck.

Given your family has already offered help with childcare, could the children have a week there in the holidays? Likewise, could your husband’s family help with childcare. Most people used paid childcare and given they are already school age it would seem quite drastic to relocate rather than using a holiday club / childminder, especially given you are expecting a salary increase soon.

I'm also a nurse for the NHS.

You should be getting parental leave on top of your annual leave to help with the holiday child care.
In Scotland, this is 16 weeks of parental leave per child to be taken before they turn 18. Four weeks of these are paid and to be taken before the child is 14, the rest is unpaid.

I'm not sure if you are inn England or Scotland but I imagine the provisions are similar. The 16 weeks are a UK wide entitlement. So you could use 2 weeks of paid parental leave for the next 4 years to tide you over.

I also think the idea of sending the DC to your parents for a week in the holidays is a great idea.

Having said all that, if you are only a band 5 nurse you should get some help with paid childcare through tax credits. The 4 on, 4 off pattern is very common with parents sharing 50/50 care so I can't see a court changing this. In a few years childcare will no longer be a factor at all.

But also, your husband is entitled to parental leave to cover school holiday childcare. So a solution could be to find a childminder/teenage babysitter to deal with after school care and then parental leave for both of you to cover the holidays.

I'd call their bluff.
Go in there and tell him his options

He takes the kids more
He helps with the cost of childcare
He let's you move

You are moving and he keeps the kids.
You'll then obviously only have them when it best suits you.

They could have a couple of nights maybe on different weeks relieving the pressure a bit but don’t think they (the kids) would be happy w a week at a time.
He is estranged from his family so no support network where we are.
Im only expecting a salary increase if I move. Have a new job offer w prospects for a significantly better salary

Are any of his family near you?
Do you know them?

I’ve never heard of this?! 4 weeks paid parental leave?? My employer knows about my struggles and hasn’t said anything about this to me!

I know them but they’ve had nothing to do w us or kids for over 5 years.

I’m in Cardiff and can’t find anything about parental leave in the policies. Found it for Scotland tho. Bit crap if we don’t get it and you guys do!

OP has told us what she wants. She wants to move a short distance to where she has supportive family, availability of affordable childcare and a pay rise, away from the control of her selfish ex. Some of the suggestions and compromises posters are putting forward are quite shocking to me. Do you think people are suggesting to the ex that he should make compromises? I highly doubt it. Why is that?

It is great that OP is taking back control of her life. It has made a huge difference to my life that I was able to make a similar move. She has to go before a judge which is an ordeal in itself, and if the judge does not see the benefit in her plans then she will no doubt have a re think. But I think it is brilliant that she is taking big decisions about the direction she wants her life to take.

Thanks @MoonGeek appreciate it. You’ve obviously been through the same. I believe the judge is a woman so I can only hope she’s nice 🙏🏼

Unpaid parental leave: Entitlement - GOV.UK (www.gov.uk)

So this is the info on parental leave in general. This will definitely apply to you as well. It's unpaid. The paid weeks are an NHS perk (not sure if only Scotland). I would be very surprised if it was only NHS Scotland though. To be honest, it's not widely advertised and I'm not sure where our policy is published but I was told about it as a student nurse on a ward where everyone was encouraged to take their parental leave each year. I'd do some digging by speaking to the most family friendly managers you know.

I'd also dig out the family-friendly working policy of your health board. Perhaps there is info in there.

Will defo look into this thanks