My Husband hates my children (they’re not our kids together they are my children from a previous marriage and are pre teen / early teen secondary school age. He is hypercritical of them and is super picky about everything they do. He has no or next to no relationship with them despite the fact that he has been living under the same roof as them for last 5 years. His criticisms are especially focused upon my daughter who is my youngest and a typical pre teen. Messy and answers back a lot. He is constantly on high alert always telling me things she’s done wrong.
For example today - not using her knife only using her fork at dinner , hanging her sports medals on her wardrobe door handle because they swing when she opens and closes the door it risks damaging the wardrobe door apparently, talking back to me, using her phone at the dinner table (showing me a mug cake she wanted us to make for her pudding), being on her phone too much generally, having too many items of cosmetics and it causing the kids bathroom to be messy and this is a relatively ‘light’ day in terms of his complaints. We have been out all day and this has all been between 4 and 9pm today. Some days there will be constant complaints all day.
For example: as soon as the kids get back from school they’re being too loud (he works from home in the living room as he has used the study as his hobby room so can’t fit a desk in there), kids have not taken their school bags immediately up to their rooms, not put their shoes neatly on the hall mat, had a snack at the table and left crumbs, not pushed the dining room chair in when getting up, not cleared the table after their snack, not put the snack stuff in the dishwasher to his liking, stomped up the stairs too loud, ran up stairs, worn shoes in the house, got water on the floor or too much water around sink in bathroom and this will all be in the 30 mins or so after the kids get in from school - this continues in a similar vein every hour of the day he is in the house with the kids.
In the first years or our marriage I tried to get the kids to do things to his liking but a couple of weeks ago I could no longer stand his constant petty ridiculous nitpicking of my kids and told him if he didn’t lay off them we were getting divorced.
He has never really tried to form any sort of relationship with my kids. They dislike him and tolerate him at absolute best. My ex husband (the kids dad) has indoctrinated the kids telling them they don’t have to listen to my husband which only makes things worse.
My husband and I are arguing about this on a daily basis. He is a negative, chronic complainer and doesn’t see the good in the world or in people in general. He is basically a miserable person. He hates his job and complains about that too. He dropped from full time to 4 days a week last year, but he is as miserable as ever.
A couple of months back after a family walk my daughter was sat in my car boot getting her muddy wellies off. He told her to get out of the boot so as not to get it muddy. She reasoned that her muddy boots were hung over the edge of the car boot. He was infuriated at her for talking back and literally physically removed her from the boot of my car - quite roughly too. I was shocked and have since been spending a lot of time considering leaving him.
My daughter had told me previously that he gets really angry with her when I am not there eg about leaving her room messy and she feels he wants to hit her that is how furious he appears to her. He never has hit her, just been cross with her but it has clearly scared her.
My son has basically figured out that he needs to not speak back and to not question my husband about stuff and he is generally a less confrontational child and so doesn’t get targeted by my husband as much as my daughter. A few years ago however my son was on the receiving end of exactly what my daughter is now I once went into my sons room and found my husband had hold of him on both shoulders - my husband said my son had tried to kick/lash out at him - this was years ago now and has not occurred again. I told my husband I would not tolerate this and that it would be over if he ever did anything like that again.
I am literally at the point where I cannot relax in my own home with the kids as I am just always waiting for the next negative comment or criticism to come from my husband. He literally hates all the world. Do I divorce him?
The house is in my sole name but he’s been here for 5 years so presumably would have some claim on it in the event of a divorce?
He constantly moans about the fact that he has to pay towards the mortgage from our joint back account without any ownership of the property. He often moans about the cost of raising my kids and how it costs much more than the child maintenance my ex husband pays. He moans about how much I spend (I am the main breadwinner). I do not live lavishly but literally every time I take the kids out anywhere that costs anything he will comment on it. I have not had a proper holiday with my kids in 5 years (we have been going camping or renting an air bnb with friends in the uk as he has been saying he doesn’t want to go on holiday with the kids he would rather just go with me and it would cost too much to do 2 holidays so either he and I have a holiday together or the kids and I do - I have ignored this and booked the above holidays for the kids and I every year anyway. He doesn’t come with us and will book a cottage in the uk for one week a year for him and me which I don’t enjoy as I am basically a cook on holiday he will just complain about having to eat out too much. Last year I told him I was booking an all inclusive in 2025 for the kids and I and he could come if he liked which he has agreed to - but I literally had to fight to get him to listen to what I wanted)
Financially I could manage without him as I work practically full time plus I get child maintenance from my ex.
Question is do I divorce him? And if I do what happens to my house? Shall I offer to pay him back whatever he has spent on my house so far just to make him more likely to leave without a fuss. I have asked him to move out and he has said no. He says he does not want a divorce, but I have so much anger, sadness and resentment about how the kids and I have been living in this bloody war zone for the last 5 years I cannot see any other way forward. Thank you so much for reading and any advice would be very gratefully received.