Father asks kids to list Mother's faults, and emails these to Mother

[Mums38]

Mother and Father are living apart. Father gets kids on Tuesday evenings and alternate weekends.

During the last weekend visit, Father asked kids to write down all the bad points about Mother. Then he emailed that list to mother.

-Can mother now take legal action ?

-If so, what is the charge ?

Thanks

He is wanting a rise from mum..

Email back.

"Aww thats cute what were your faults?"

If mum tries to press charges he is getting the rise he wants and the email worked. He can go on about how unreasonable mum is and unwilling to listen to "constructive feedback" ( not that it is but thats how it will be angled)

Mother can feel relieved that she is getting divorce and know that her x is a twat. If this continues watch for parental alienation.

Sorry. I should have mentioned parents are divorced.

It depends whether it amounts to abusing the children.

If the children are experiencing emotional abuse, you would need to take steps to protect them. If he’s just a dick, communicate through a third party.

Don't rise to it. You need to think about the children first and foremost. Do not drag them into this nonsense. I agree with PP and give a light heated reply ' did they have enough paper for yours?'

I would absolutely rise to this. It is emotional abuse to your children. How distressing for your children. And a possible attempt to alienate them from their primary care giver. My kids would go no where near him.

So divorce is finalised and child arrangements set

do nothing, reacting is what he wants grey rock here is the best thing

and then work out if you can work on anything your children said, I know mine would say some things I could work on

I think you could take him to court to give him less time or supervised time with dc. Especially if this forms part of a pattern of behaviour. How do the children feel about this and how old are they? When my ex would criticise me to DS, DS would feel a bit upset and defensive of me and I’d just shrug them off eg “dad says you never listen but you always listen!”, I’d say “well, I probably don’t always listen, we can all struggle to listen properly sometimes…”.

This alone is not enough for a court case, but if there is a pattern of abusive behaviour then she can use it as one of the data points.
I’d keep a diary and check in with Child Services if there is enough evidence. Or if kids are distressed.
I am guessing kids are fairly young as most mid/older kids would not willingly go along with this ‘exercise’.

Tbh - instead of arguing with the idiot - i’d be more concerned with the kids at this point. What did they say when they got back? How are they feeling? Are they afraid of their dad? Do they want to see him again? Etc

I find this very concerning. How old are the children?

IGNORE ANYONE WHO TELLS YOU TO IGNORE IT.

Sorry, I can’t say that loud enough. He is abusing your children. The same thing happened to me and I tried to turn the other cheek and be the bigger person. Eventually he had alienated my eldest completely and then applied for custody. My then 8 year old son told CAFCASS that he hated me and wanted to live with his father, and he won full custody.

20 years on, I have a wonderful relationship with my son and he hasn’t spoken to his father in over 10 years, but the damage was done. He can see clearly now what his Dad’s game was.

Please speak to a solicitor and report this to social services. Don’t just lie down and take it like I did in the hope it will blow over. It’s the biggest regret of my life.

However tempting, try not to rise to it and be thankful that you're no longer married to such a taunt!

If you feel the need to respond a lighthearted, bet they ran out of paper listing yours! As suggested by an poster would be fine but don't continue to engage after that.

I would mention to the kids that Dad sent a list over and if there's anything on it you think you can work on, then tell them you'll make an effort. You could ask what did you put on Dads list (obviously there won't be one!!) but it should register what a one sided and silly exercise it was.

Play the long game OP, they will see him for what he is!

I wouldn't want to ignore it but agree retaliation is playing into his hands.

I wouldn't respond directly at all.

I'd speak to kids check they are ok and reassure them they have done anything wrong. Gently check out how they feel about their dad and spending time with him.

I'd log it with social services it's unlikely they'll do anything but it's a paper trail.

If you have a good relationship with school I would inform them from a concern about impact on child perspective

And if you are concerned about your children being in that situation I would speak to a solicitor about the custody arrangements

Don't slate him to the kids at all

I wouldn't speak to him about that at all. I would definitely speak to the children and if they are ashamed or embarrassed about what they've written I would give them a codeword for next time which they could use and I would know they didn't mean it. You are well shot of that complete prick.

I think on reflection a mixture is best. Ignore him, do not engage with his email at all. Speak to your children and raise it as a safeguarding concern perhaps with the school, make your feelings known about how wrong it is to your children and professionals but do not engage with him at all. He will weaponise back anything you say to him

@Workawayxx asked:

"...how old are they?"

Ages 13, 11, 9

He goes low you go high?
You could sit the kids down, tell them you were sent the email. Tell them people are always a mix of things we love and things we don’t. And that today you’re going to think about the things you love about each other. Get them to each think of three things they like about every member of their family - include their relationships between them as siblings, plus you and their dad and anyone else they’d like to include. You can do it too. Keep the lists limited to 3 each so that’s it’s not a contest of who’s list is longest. Your thing things that you like about you ex are the three great kids that you made together.
Keep the lists in a family photo album or something like that. Doing this will help your kids learn to see people as multi-faceted. And it will shield them from some of the damage your ex is trying to do. He will list your faults, and their brain will go straight back to those 3 things they love about you.

That is parental alienation and child abuse what a twat. I would get him some articles on the affects of both on children's mental health. Keep a paper trail, inform the school, call ss for what it's worth. Unfortunately for him kids grow up snd they can usually see through such mindgames. Not surprised about the divorce what a baby.

In the most extreme case this may be considered parental alienation and coercive control.

The police will not be interested, not without a lot more extreme examples of this behaviour and evidence. There are sadly a lot more extreme examples of this behaviour in the wild and the police try to get the family court to deal with as much of it as possible. Create a journal. Perhaps ask the police for advice and inform them that you would like them to keep an eye on the situation without wasting their time.

If this happened with me, and it is exactly the type of thing that would with DSS and DSD's DF, I would say, "This behaviour is not in the children's best interest and is more a reflection on your parenting than mine."

There are some general rules to follow: Don't get reactive. Set clear boundaries and try your best to stick to these. Do the most boring thing possible (no drama). Not replying might be the best thing to do but if you do have to, say it in the fewest words possible.

Use it as an opportunity to communicate with your child/children. There maybe things you are doing that are driving your kids bonkers, as we all do. Lol use it to show them that you hear them. Therefore turning exes negative into a positive e. This is purely for reaction... Ignore, ignore and ignore. The ex doesn't get to see you react anymore.

I’m petty so I would email back…

Thanks for the email. You can push them into thinking up my bad point all you like but it’s not in your best interests to do so. At some point they will realise what a shitty thing this was to do. For their sake only, I have upto now, only said nice things about you but any more of your nonsense & i won’t hesitate to tell them exactly what type of person you are/show them your previous texts to me (when they’re old enough).

I love this response ‘bet they ran out of paper listing yours’ 🤣

Just return the email with a laughing face emoji....

It’s parental alienation. She should keep the evidence and take it to a family lawyer. It’s emotional abuse of the child and therefore there should be consideration about stopping contact with the father.

Very immature behavior.