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Divorce/separation

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Original poster

Father asks kids to list Mother's faults, and emails these to Mother

131 replies

Mums38 · 22/04/2024 07:28

Mother and Father are living apart. Father gets kids on Tuesday evenings and alternate weekends.

During the last weekend visit, Father asked kids to write down all the bad points about Mother. Then he emailed that list to mother.

-Can mother now take legal action ?

-If so, what is the charge ?

Thanks

OP posts:
CharlotteBog · 25/04/2024 08:24

Ippagoggy · 25/04/2024 03:22

Wow. That is really low.

If I were this mum, I would absolutely take this as teaching moment with my kids. Very calmly I’d start with:

“Kids, let’s have a little sit down please. Your father sent me an email listing all the things about me that you don’t like. I’m not the least bit angry with you. I’m your mother and I want you to know that I love you no matter what. Like any human being I am not perfect and I understand there are things I could improve on, so let’s go through this list and talk it through. I want to try and be the best mother I can be.”

And really think about their points and come up with constructive ways of addressing them (if they are reasonable and true).

After that, I’d probably continue with “Right, can someone tell me why your father asked you to come up with this list in the first place? And do we think making such a list was a kind or useful thing to do?”

There’s no getting around the fact that he’s an asshole. But it might be an interesting exercise for the kids to think about whether this was a kind thing to do. I find most children, even from an early age, have a good sense of what is kind and fair and hopefully just by asking some probing questions they will think twice about engaging this kind of activity. Hopefully it will end with them coming to the conclusion that talking about others behind their back in a negative way is not kind and if the kids do have a particular issue with their mum they should bring it up with her directly. I would want my kids to feel safe telling me about anything.

Then, as another user suggested I’d end it with a “let’s say 3 nice things we like/appreciate” about everyone family member. Including the dad. I thought this suggestion was great.

I would then email the dad with the 3 nice things they said about their dad and say. “Thanks for your email. We did a similar exercise here but instead I asked them what good qualities they like about you. Here they are.” And leave it at that. Hopefully he will be ashamed of his behaviour. But if he comes back with anything snide just ignore it. You want to come across as faultless and whiter than white.

In the meantime, I’d definitely keep logs of all these kinds of behaviours. If they stack up you’ll want to share them with your lawyer / other professional.

I imagine doing this with my kids - absolutely not.
The older ones would be feeling so awkward and conflicted.

Honestly, I would not get the children involved in the email in any way. If they raise it, then I would just say that you didn't agree with that way of communicating and didn't wish to discuss it further.
In engaging with it, then they go back to their Dad, he asks what happened, they then tell him etc etc.

SprigatitoYouAndIKnow · 25/04/2024 09:20

I would absolutely be telling the kids that you love them and are here for them. You can also get a solicitor to write a cease and desist letter if that would help. Keep all evidence, as it is unlikely that this is the only inappropriate thing.

Mememoo · 25/04/2024 09:27

I would reply with.... if your struggling to find appropriate activities for our kids to do maybe you should seek some parenting classes for some support 😉

JFDIYOLO · 25/04/2024 09:49

Don't ignore it, play games or do it to him in retaliation.

This is an attempt to manipulate and brainwash the children, possibly playing a long game to get you out of their lives.

I'd recommend speaking to your solicitor.

Keep records and copies of everything he does like this.

Keep all your communication with him formal, polite and child related - don't rise or react ( he's hoping to be able to play the 'see what crazy stuff I had to put up with?' card).

But talk with your children. Be open that he did this and that you'd been sent the list, and get them talking about their thoughts and feelings that came out of it. You may actually learn there is something that upsets them and you can learn from and do better, and ensure they know that's how your family works.

Be clear that he did a very unkind, mean thing by doing that, and make them feel safe in coming directly to you if they have any problems with either parent. Let them know that because it was a nasty thing to do, you won't ask them to do the same thing against him.

BlackStrayCat · 25/04/2024 09:53

Go straight to a lawyer.

Do not reply to him.

This is child abuse.

Obimumkinobi · 25/04/2024 09:53

DO NOT IGNORE.
Do not mistake this as a simple case of the father being a twat and you needing to do what our society expects from "nice women", which is to rise above it and ignore.

This is not a casual act - "what shall we do tonight, kids? McDonalds or talk about and write down all the reasons why your mummy is a bad lady?!"

This is a deliberate, premeditated attempt to derail your relationship with your children, so please don't underestimate its potential.

Also consider that this may be the first you've heard of it but how long has it been going on?
This sounds dramatic but in a potential future Family Court battle to reduce your custody this would be presented by him as my "my children told me they were unhappy with ex wife's parenting of them, I was concerned and tried to advocate for them but she just refused to engage/attacked my parenting style".

Please never think that your kid's dad wouldn't do this to you. Dont think "he doesn't want them full time, so that's not what hes up to". It's amazing the amount of time and effort a useless or seemingly amicable ex will put into destroying your relationship with your kids to punish you. The primary aim of this is to punish you, not take on his kid's laundry.

Chat with your kids about how this came about and please please keep a record of what they say, dates etc. If you see this is part of an ongoing pattern then spend the money to consult with a specialist lawyer for advice on Coercive Control, which is now a criminal offence and can (and should be) reported to police. This can be easily online if it comes to it. This will also show that you were concerned enough to act. If you report online, the police will speak to you and importantly it will be logged.

Don't assume that just because your kids seem happy to visit your ex that they are not being groomed, they won't understand what's going on and your ex will disguise his motives. Don't try to fathom "why would he do this?" as just because you don't understand why, doesn't mean he's not doing it. This is not the time to "rise above and do nothing". Please be vigil for the sake of your family.

RhubarbAndGingerCheesecake · 25/04/2024 10:01

I wouldn't respond to him at all.

Would keep copies - and would see a solicitor and see what legal options you have.

Would also try and think and possible take advice on how to help the kids see this for what it is.

VenetiaHallisWellPosh · 25/04/2024 10:07

Keep the email. Tell the children it's not their fault, but their Dad asked them to do an unkind thing. Say to them if they have any issues to bring it to Mum directly. Keep channels of communication open. As for email, seek advice from a family lawyer.

JLou08 · 25/04/2024 10:20

That's 100% emotional abuse and parental alienation! I'm not sure what the police response would be, they may direct you to Children's Social Care or the Family Court

Emmz1510 · 25/04/2024 10:24

AGlinnerOfHope · 22/04/2024 08:56

It depends whether it amounts to abusing the children.

If the children are experiencing emotional abuse, you would need to take steps to protect them. If he’s just a dick, communicate through a third party.

I would argue that asking the kids for a list of mums faults is a form of emotional abuse

Starsandflowers · 25/04/2024 10:25

This is abusing the children and will have lasting effects on them.
My ex boyfriend had a similar situation s a young child..where his dad would write letters to the mum (they were divorced) and get the children to take them to her. They were not in envelopes so the kids saw the contents. They were usually about how awful she was and how she had ruined her and her children's lives.
My ex is 40 now and still incredibly fucked up about it.
Absolutely horrible to put your children through.
And in this instance actually getting the children to join in on top of witnessing this.. it's sick.
It's so stressful for kids to witness their care givers being aggressive towards each other.

Emmz1510 · 25/04/2024 10:26

Greywitch2 · 24/04/2024 21:39

I think I'd email back

'I've sent your email to my solicitor who informs me that this constitutes parental alienation on your part and the courts take a very dim view of it. This behaviour is not in the children's best interests and it is difficult to see what rational parent would behave in the way you have just done. In future, if you wish to contact me I suggest you do so through the proper legal channels and via my solicitor. Alternatively, you might wish to speak to your doctor'.

This with bells on, 100%

EdgyLemur · 25/04/2024 10:36

I would absolutely be in touch with a family solicitor for advice and so it is at least noted with a third party

Silvers11 · 25/04/2024 11:14

@Mums38 Firstly, you don't know if they DID write a list, or if he has written the list from his perspective. So I agree with others. Please sit the children down and calmly find out if they DID write down the list first. Also see if they will tell you how exactly they feel about their Dad and if he has started emotionally abusing them.

If he didn't ask them to do that then DO NOT respond to him at all. He's trying to get a rise out of you

You need to keep a copy of the email, regardless, but depending on what they children say, you may need to speak to a lawyer to arrange for a variation of the Court Agreement for access and/or a non-molestation order

Ollieneedsourhelp · 25/04/2024 11:25

The most important thing to do with emails like that is to keep a copy of them. You might need them for the legal side or even just to show your kids when they're 30 and say Dad says you did this or that. Once their adults you can say 'this is the kind of shit he pulled'. No bad mouthing him, just written evidence.

CormorantStrikesBack · 25/04/2024 11:33

I agree it’s emotional child abuse and I would highlight that to him.

SpringLobelia · 25/04/2024 11:36

Menomeno · 22/04/2024 09:12

IGNORE ANYONE WHO TELLS YOU TO IGNORE IT.

Sorry, I can’t say that loud enough. He is abusing your children. The same thing happened to me and I tried to turn the other cheek and be the bigger person. Eventually he had alienated my eldest completely and then applied for custody. My then 8 year old son told CAFCASS that he hated me and wanted to live with his father, and he won full custody.

20 years on, I have a wonderful relationship with my son and he hasn’t spoken to his father in over 10 years, but the damage was done. He can see clearly now what his Dad’s game was.

Please speak to a solicitor and report this to social services. Don’t just lie down and take it like I did in the hope it will blow over. It’s the biggest regret of my life.

I agree wholeheartedly with this.

It's actually abuse of your children (not just you).

Blahblah34 · 25/04/2024 11:57

Take him to court and ask for contact to be supervised as he is emotionally abusing the children.

Beautiful3 · 25/04/2024 12:06

They can report this to social services as proof of emotional abuse, towards the children.

thismummydrinksgin · 25/04/2024 12:08

Harvestfestivalknickers · 22/04/2024 08:59

Don't rise to it. You need to think about the children first and foremost. Do not drag them into this nonsense. I agree with PP and give a light heated reply ' did they have enough paper for yours?'

But it is harming the children isn't it, this isn't healthy for them to be involeved with.

Whatifthehokeycokey · 25/04/2024 12:11

"This is a clear example of an attempt at parental alienation, and certainly not in the best interests of the children. It says a lot more about you than it does about me. I will be keeping it as evidence."

BlackStrayCat · 25/04/2024 12:15

DO NOT give him the heads up.
You are dealing with an absive imbecile. He has just made a huge mistake.

BlackStrayCat · 25/04/2024 12:18

thismummydrinksgin · 25/04/2024 12:08

But it is harming the children isn't it, this isn't healthy for them to be involeved with.

Show quote history

My STBXH was just arrested for this. Restraining order.
DC so relieved.

I had no choice. It was not the first time.

Irridescantshimmmer · 25/04/2024 12:39

? Defamation of character.

What an horrendous situation to put his own kids through.

BlackStrayCat · 25/04/2024 12:40

Its child abuse.