Father asks kids to list Mother's faults, and emails these to Mother

[Mums38]

Mother and Father are living apart. Father gets kids on Tuesday evenings and alternate weekends.

During the last weekend visit, Father asked kids to write down all the bad points about Mother. Then he emailed that list to mother.

-Can mother now take legal action ?

-If so, what is the charge ?

Thanks

I would forward it to be Childrens safeguarding lead at their schools. And place a call to childrens services, they won’t do much but it’s starts the paper trail of evidence and noting down a pattern of behaviour from the dad. Behaviour that is coercive control and emotional abuse.

With the children I would sit them down and do my best to empower them and talk through whatever was written in the email. Don't be angry with them, they likely had no choice.

What was in the email?

With my ex I would ignore him. He wants your attention so starve him from it. Sad pathetic little loser.

This.

This right here! I bloody love this! Grey rock him & carry on doing right by the kids! Teach them that we aren’t perfect & that even mum has flaws, but that’s ok. Focus on the positives and don’t be tempted to criticise him (as much as I’m sure you would like to poke him in the eye!)

Yes! This!!!!

Ouch. What a shitty thing to do. Good job you're divorced!

Is this a pattern of behaviour or a one-off? How did the kids react to being asked this? Do they love him and do they want to see him?

Speaking from the child’s perspective in a very similar case. I grew up living with my mum and seen my dad maybe every second Sunday depending on his work. She spoke badly of my dad constantly, told me a load of lies and made me hate him growing up. He never spoke badly of her and I never explained what was said so he never defended himself. She was a great manipulator and would take every opportunity to manipulate a situation to prove her point. For example one day he had to cancel his visit cause an issue came up at work. My mother said I was too young to understand the reasons behind him cancelling so told him just to say he was busy. Then as soon as he had finished telling me and had put the phone down, my mother would say “see I told you he doesn’t care etc otherwise he would come see you” it took me leaving my mothers house to see sense and start having a real relationship with my dad. Now I don’t have any contact with my mum but my dad is my whole world.

Don’t let that happen to your kids. Your ex is obviously a d**khead. Speak to your kids about what happened, ask how they feel or if there’s anything they don’t like. Chances are this isn’t the first time he’s done something similar or spoke badly of you. Don’t alienate them against their dad (he will do that himself) but don’t let this go either. I don’t know what you can do legally but definitely find out and check in with your kids about the situation. Good luck xx

Do you have a court order in place? There are approved apps you can use for communicating with each other. Sounds like that might be a good idea if he continues to pull stunts like this.

Sorry. I have just noticed that I failed to answer your question.

In my OP, I said:

>> Father asked kids to write down all the bad points about Mother. Then he emailed that list to Mother.

Keep a log of time and dates of when this and anything else happened. Screenshot or photocopy or gather any evidence of this list.

Then go and see a solicitor who specialises in family issues.

In response to the man parent.
I would reply something like:

Your actions have been noted.
Then something like:

I am concerned that this exercise you put them through would have enduced distress to the children.
Their wellbeing both physical and mental, is paramount to me.

Your action has given me reason to doubt that you, however, are not prioritising their wellbeing.

As their wellbeing is paramount to me, I will be seeking advice as to how to proceed from here in regards to their safety and wellbeing.
Rest assured, I will do all within my power that is reasonable and necessary to ensure their safety and wellbeing.

...
When it comes to talking to the kids. Its tricky. Id ask the solicitor what to do.
As partly it may be important to record what they say but I imagine that would be really bad for the kids as it would probably cause stress and worry. You don't want to make it worse.
But i do feel it is important to get a grasp of what the kids are being put through and how they feel about the list writing experience.

This is potentially parental alienation if it was a regular pattern rather than a one off. The courts look very unfavourably on this. Two options if an evident issue- return to court and ask for a clause to be added to the order directing him not to attempt parental alienation. Other is to stop contact and let him take you back to court. Technically a breach of the order but with good grounds that you can evidence very unlikely for there to be any action against you. And same purpose - revised order to state no parental alienation to be attempted.

For any mums that are suffering this type of abuse & are away from their children as a result - please don't suffer in silence. There is a fantastic group called matchmothers - for mums who are apart from their children for any reason. Please reach out.

My children were asked to do exactly the same thing. Even CAFCASS did not disagree with their dads rationale as he was 'encouraging the children to express their feelings'
This is a very delicate situation & the best thing to do is get legal advice.

Please ignore those saying to ignore ore these comments. As a victim of emotional abuse as a child my dad manipulated me into thinking my mum was the devil. I grew up hating her and even sided with him when he cheated on her over and over again. Growing up and realising the truth after he died I now wish someone had been there to intervene and show me that his behaviour was unreasonable. I would keep a record and contact social services for advice on what to do.

Absolutely brilliant response.

My ds told me he knew his df hated me more than he loved him... Ds was 10.
I haven't seen him for 8 years as ex did such a great number on him. He also has such emotional difficulties he has no real contact with others. For example if his db visits he will text him from another room instead of talking.. Shut this shit down op. Asap.

I think the term ‘abuse’ and ‘neglect’ are massively overused but in this case he is abusing the children. Who makes their kids sit and write faults about their mother? Absolutely not would make an appointment with a solicitor keep all emails and limit contact.

yeah, but what proof is there that he actually asked them to do that vs. him just saying that he asked them to do that?
I find it very doubtful that he actually asked them to do that and more likely he just got drunk (or not) and made up a bunch of stuff.
Most likely because they were probably telling him some faults about himself that he didn't like hearing.

If the divorce has been settled I'm not sure if there's a great deal you can do.
I doubt any police force would take action. I have been in a similar situation and my children decided they didn't want to see their dad any more as he was so horrid. It does get to that point. Children take offence when people slag off their mams. Give it time and they won't want to see him. Best of luck

He sounds an absolute creep. Maybe some legal advice might be in order?

This 👆🏻

Press charges?? Eh? For what?

Go grey rock. He wants a reaction. Don't give him one. Keep being a fab mum but keep records of everything in case it escalates and keep doing a happiness check with the children.

Great advice !

Frankly I think Mother needs to reply to the email with the following:

1. I am astounded that you feel it is ok to ask our children to list all my faults! Why on earth would you think that is a good thing for our children to do? How will that make them feel? Will they feel good about you asking them to do that?

1. I dont know if the children know that you emailed me their lists. I will tell them and will ask how they feel about that and if they are ok. I will not criticise you I will say that I'm not sure why you asked them to do this.

1. I will listen to them and respond according to what they say. I will also ask if there is anything they want me to work on.

1. I will never ask them to list your faults. That would be do unfair to them

And then just font respond atall to any response from father! But DO talk to the children as above! 💐

Mother should speak to her solicitor and/or Cafcass if involved. That's an act of alienation.

Another mum saying not to ignore it after my ex has alienated my son from me using similar emotional abuse tactics and making son essentially feel sorry for him.