Page 5 | Father asks kids to list Mother's faults, and emails these to Mother

Dotcomma · 26/04/2024 18:51

Firstly, do the children know that he's sent the information to you?

How do you get on with him since the divorce - do you have a friendly/jokey relationship with him now where the children feel happy with both parents, or is it vindictive & nasty and just the sort of idiotic thing he does to score points and cause trouble?

AllyArty · 26/04/2024 19:02

Not good on any level. He should not have done that. The problem is if you do nothing he will think he can behave like that again. Keep a record of it. And if something similar happened get professional advice.

OldPerson · 26/04/2024 19:03

"Alienation of affection."

Go see a solicitor. If you can't afford one, contact the Citizen's Advice Bureau.

If you have mediators working between you - print it out and send it to them or take it to your next appointment.

MMAS · 26/04/2024 19:05

Police immediately - mental health issue. You clearly know something - why post on here,

RiseAgainMum · 26/04/2024 19:08

There’s too much negative energy in this behaviour of his. He’s a blamer and very judgemental and teaching the children very abusive habits and subtle bullying. Faultfinders are often insecure people.

I’d get legal advice. Restrict the children’s visits to him if you can but failing that teach them about the negative effects of bullying and being judgemental on a person’s mental wellbeing.

No wonder our children are so screwed up in later lives. I’m still in therapy, issues caused by my parents.

LordC · 26/04/2024 19:24

Not likely there is a legal action she can take, but she should document this as evidence that the father is trying to alienate the children from her.

RichinVitaminR · 26/04/2024 19:46

Mysticfalls · 22/04/2024 10:07

He goes low you go high?
You could sit the kids down, tell them you were sent the email. Tell them people are always a mix of things we love and things we don’t. And that today you’re going to think about the things you love about each other. Get them to each think of three things they like about every member of their family - include their relationships between them as siblings, plus you and their dad and anyone else they’d like to include. You can do it too. Keep the lists limited to 3 each so that’s it’s not a contest of who’s list is longest. Your thing things that you like about you ex are the three great kids that you made together.
Keep the lists in a family photo album or something like that. Doing this will help your kids learn to see people as multi-faceted. And it will shield them from some of the damage your ex is trying to do. He will list your faults, and their brain will go straight back to those 3 things they love about you.

This is a wonderful and constructive approach. I would contact a solicitor about this kind of behaviour too though, him placing the children in a circumstance in which they are asked by him to write a list about you like that are abusive. Completely unacceptable to place the children in that position. As a child I was stuck in the middle of two divorced parents saying unpleasant stuff about each other to me. As an adult now I can see how wrong it was.

MumTeacherofMany · 26/04/2024 20:48

I'd email back his faults lol but I'm petty

RecklessGoddess · 26/04/2024 21:02

With my ex it was the other way around, he would constantly tell our young dd, how bad I was as a mum. In the end we had an argument on the phone, because he wanted me to force her to go and stay with him, when she didn't want to. As soon as he shouted down the phone "you fat c u next Tuesday, I hung up". She heard every word and messaged him that she no longer wanted to see him. She's seen him twice in the last 8 years, once at our son's wedding and then when he dropped her stuff off because he was moving to Spain. He's barely spoken to our 3 kids, 2 grown up sons and our dd who is now 18. None of them are bothered, because of how he treated us all. So, good job you got rid of your ex. Try to ignore him, but tell your kids that he shouldn't be asking them to do anything like that, and that they should never keep anything he says a secret from you, because secrets are bad. My ex tried to do that too.

MdNdD · 26/04/2024 21:36

If it was the other way around, it would be parental alienation. (Ie, if it was mother bad mouthing father).

But since you are the mum, you’re expected to just take it. And smile and tell the kids father is amazing.

That’s my experience with the British family court.

However, if you speak to the police you should get a better response…

PangolinPan · 26/04/2024 21:39

As far as I'm concerned this is child abuse and I'd like to think someone would give a shit, be it cafcass or police.
Nasty fucker.

Hmm1234 · 26/04/2024 21:58

Awful. I would forward on the email to any of his family members you keep in contact so they know how manipulative he is

Lovely13 · 27/04/2024 00:51

Poor kids. Keep a log of all he does. Don’t react to him over this. Encourage your children to raise any issues, without referring to any emails. Find forward-facing chat, in a car, or on a walk, often helps people to open up.

Mamanyt · 27/04/2024 01:34

Mums38 · 22/04/2024 07:28

Mother and Father are living apart. Father gets kids on Tuesday evenings and alternate weekends.

During the last weekend visit, Father asked kids to write down all the bad points about Mother. Then he emailed that list to mother.

-Can mother now take legal action ?

-If so, what is the charge ?

Thanks

I really can't be of much help, since laws in GB and the US are sometimes so different. Now, HERE, that would be grounds to take the father back to court, where he would stand a chance of having his time with his children drastically curtailed, and only under court supervision (generally a social worker appointed to do so). My advice? KEEP THE EMAILS, and talk with a...solicitor(? specializing in family law. We'd say either "lawyer" or "attorney."

LalaPaloosa · 27/04/2024 06:18

What an absolute dick. Imagine having so little time with your kids and wasting it on an exercise like this!

I agree that he wants a reaction from the mother and she should be very grey rock. A simple “This email is inappropriate and unwelcome.” Write every email as if a judge will be looking at it. Then book an appointment with the GP to talk about the emotional impact of this on the children (the GP will take notes and there will be a record).

Keep the email and start a diary of parental alienation for future use.

I would also speak to the children and tell them that any feedback is welcome and should be given directly to the mother. It’s not helpful to provide this to the father as he has no control over the mother’s behaviour and needs to focus on his own.

crew2022 · 27/04/2024 07:12

I would be really concerned about parental alienation.
as others said keep a log, check in with the kids and record their response.
i would seek legal advice with your concerns
I might co aider responding to say ‘please do not use your time with the children to cause distress or attempt to alienate me” to let him know you’re on to him.
but seek legal advice and watch for more.

Mydietstartstomorrow · 27/04/2024 08:53

RubiesandRose · 22/04/2024 09:13

However tempting, try not to rise to it and be thankful that you're no longer married to such a taunt!

If you feel the need to respond a lighthearted, bet they ran out of paper listing yours! As suggested by an poster would be fine but don't continue to engage after that.

I would mention to the kids that Dad sent a list over and if there's anything on it you think you can work on, then tell them you'll make an effort. You could ask what did you put on Dads list (obviously there won't be one!!) but it should register what a one sided and silly exercise it was.

Play the long game OP, they will see him for what he is!

This 👏🏻

my ds used to come home from his dads after his weekend saying “dad said this about you, dad said that…” I used to just laugh but seethed inside. Now at 18 ds knows what a twat his dad is and hardly sees him by choice

NannaKaren · 27/04/2024 10:14

Harvestfestivalknickers · 22/04/2024 08:59

Don't rise to it. You need to think about the children first and foremost. Do not drag them into this nonsense. I agree with PP and give a light heated reply ' did they have enough paper for yours?'

Perfect! 👍 he’s a nasty twat

rubesmum · 27/04/2024 12:57

This is child abuse, something called Parental Alienation which the courts are taking much more seriously nowadays. It can take many forms but essentially is one parent targeting the other parent to harm the child's / children's relationship with the 'target' parent, essentially attempting to get the children to do their dirty work for them. (Cowardice in the extreme with no care for the emotional welfare of the children that they profess to love!) It's appalling and the effect it can have on the children involved can last a lifetime because they are the ones who suffer because of it. Google it, it's all there but so many good parents are struggling with this because it is done 'behind the scenes' and they are mostly unaware of what they are dealing with. Children are asked to keep secrets about it from the targetted parent and are made to feel disloyal to the alienating parent if they do not do so. There is so much more to this and I would advise anyone in this situation to find out as much as they can and involve the Courts, Mediation Process and support of their families. X

Madamum18 · 27/04/2024 15:32

Madamum18 · 26/04/2024 18:04

Frankly I think Mother needs to reply to the email with the following:

I am astounded that you feel it is ok to ask our children to list all my faults! Why on earth would you think that is a good thing for our children to do? How will that make them feel? Will they feel good about you asking them to do that?

I dont know if the children know that you emailed me their lists. I will tell them and will ask how they feel about that and if they are ok. I will not criticise you I will say that I'm not sure why you asked them to do this.

I will listen to them and respond according to what they say. I will also ask if there is anything they want me to work on.

I will never ask them to list your faults. That would be do unfair to them

And then just font respond atall to any response from father! But DO talk to the children as above! 💐

Show quote history

Oh and definitely speak to their s hook and I think get legal advice. Yes I think this is parental alienation and you cant ignore it per se. But you can whilst doing the above keep the upper hand with him which is more effective than "rowing"!

Singleandfab · 27/04/2024 17:22

Reply saying. ‘This is abuse and unacceptable. Please only contact me if it is to do with the childcare arrangements. I want to safeguard the children and keep their best interests at heart.’

Thinking2022 · 27/04/2024 17:52

Mysticfalls · 22/04/2024 10:07

He goes low you go high?
You could sit the kids down, tell them you were sent the email. Tell them people are always a mix of things we love and things we don’t. And that today you’re going to think about the things you love about each other. Get them to each think of three things they like about every member of their family - include their relationships between them as siblings, plus you and their dad and anyone else they’d like to include. You can do it too. Keep the lists limited to 3 each so that’s it’s not a contest of who’s list is longest. Your thing things that you like about you ex are the three great kids that you made together.
Keep the lists in a family photo album or something like that. Doing this will help your kids learn to see people as multi-faceted. And it will shield them from some of the damage your ex is trying to do. He will list your faults, and their brain will go straight back to those 3 things they love about you.

I think this is the perfect approach to take

BlueFlowers5 · 28/04/2024 01:58

Alienating the other parent is considered child abuse. It causes pain to the children and they may/will have later emotional problems arising from it.

CharlotteBog · 28/04/2024 08:07

Singleandfab · 27/04/2024 17:22

Reply saying. ‘This is abuse and unacceptable. Please only contact me if it is to do with the childcare arrangements. I want to safeguard the children and keep their best interests at heart.’

I'd keep it even more concise - please only contact me about childcare.

You don't need to say the rest.

SpringLobelia · 28/04/2024 15:02

OP just go to a solicitor and get their advice.

Don't muck around with this rubbish. get proper professional advice from people who have seen it all before a thousand times and then deal with it based on that advice.

Don't base your response on what randoms on the interwebs say.

(I speak as a former family solicitor- we've seen it all before and know how to deal with it.... and what your ex has done is serious- very very serious. Don't fuck around and don't not act. This needs action).