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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

I need help…completely broken…separating from husband

801 replies

Broken12 · 11/04/2024 07:06

3 days ago my husband admitted he wasn’t working on our relationship anymore. A year ago he told me he didn’t know why but he wasn’t in love with me anymore but wished he could be. We’ve tried for a year (well he says he has). We’ve had counselling. I said I can’t carry on without hope so it’s over.

I’ve asked if there’s anything we can do to stop this happening but he’s said no. Married for nearly 6 years, together for 15 and a 1 and 4 year old. We’ve told our families now so it is real.

I just don’t know how to survive. Im completely broken. We had the perfect life on paper, all we ever wanted. But it’s not enough for him. We had a difficult few years conceiving our 2nd and 2 miscarriages but we got there. I’ve asked him to move out as I can’t bear seeing him every day knowing I can’t be with him. He won’t go until we’ve looked at all our options re the house and decided should we sell or who should move.

I’ve stopped talking to him unless it’s about the kids or our situation. I’m completely broken and struggling to eat and sleep. All I want is to be loved and feel wanted. This is not the life I want. I just don’t know what to do, life was so much easier when I was living in denial.

OP posts:
NZDreaming · 06/02/2025 23:02

@Broken12 have you been able to access any counselling or therapy in the last year? It might be helpful to support you in working out your emotions and assessing whether you’re ready for dating yet. It’s perhaps a good thing this first one has stalled as it would likely be quite overwhelming to get into a relationship when you’re still trying to find your new normal. It also puts a lot of pressure on the new relationship as you will feel the fallout so much more keenly if you invest and it doesn’t work out while you’re emotionally still quite vulnerable. Be kind to yourself, no one is expecting you to have it all figured out.

Original poster
Broken12 · 07/02/2025 05:35

Helpagirlout222 · 06/02/2025 22:56

I don't know @Broken12
I think i unintentionally didn't give myself a chance to properly process it, but also in a way the "novelty" has worn off. I had a bit of fun with the DC making little changes round the house and things like that...now it's just the reality of the hard graft of raising kids and running a house alone!

Show quote history

Yeah I think maybe that’s how I’m feeling right now!

OP posts:
Original poster
Broken12 · 07/02/2025 05:38

NZDreaming · 06/02/2025 23:02

@Broken12 have you been able to access any counselling or therapy in the last year? It might be helpful to support you in working out your emotions and assessing whether you’re ready for dating yet. It’s perhaps a good thing this first one has stalled as it would likely be quite overwhelming to get into a relationship when you’re still trying to find your new normal. It also puts a lot of pressure on the new relationship as you will feel the fallout so much more keenly if you invest and it doesn’t work out while you’re emotionally still quite vulnerable. Be kind to yourself, no one is expecting you to have it all figured out.

I haven’t, but I did start looking at some yesterday as I think j can access some via work.

I know I need to focus on myself and focusing on my new normal for my and my kids and get into a routine. He’s still not fully into a routine of having the kids properly as he’s had other stuff on but that should be starting next weekend

OP posts:
Queencam · 08/02/2025 20:21

Hope you’re feeling more positive today OP x

Original poster
Broken12 · 09/02/2025 08:55

Queencam · 08/02/2025 20:21

Hope you’re feeling more positive today OP x

Thank you. On the whole I’m ok. But god do I miss the feeling of being on a total high he gave me. I hadn’t had that feeling for a long time and it was so good, we even said to each other we felt like a pair of teenagers 🙈 it was just so nice to feel wanted. We haven’t spoke for a few days now. I think the hardest bit now is not knowing what’s going on in his head. Like has he just totally forgot about it or does he keep having thoughts like me that we could have been so good together 🤷🏻‍♀️ one of those that I’ll never know!

OP posts:
Queencam · 09/02/2025 19:28

Sounds like it was really fun! God I have not had that feeling in a looooong time

Original poster
Broken12 · 09/02/2025 20:22

Queencam · 09/02/2025 19:28

Sounds like it was really fun! God I have not had that feeling in a looooong time

Snap! And I think the reason I had it was because I felt safe with him so I could just by myself. Like there was no worry he’s an axe murderer or something! I find the online dating world too scary to think about right now!

OP posts:
JoyousPinkPeer · 09/02/2025 22:07

What do you think would happen if you said you would leave and he could be the main carer for your children? I know mums don't do this 99% of the time, but I just wonder what guys would do?

Original poster
Broken12 · 09/02/2025 22:21

He’d have a full breakdown

OP posts:
CrispieCake · 09/02/2025 23:13

I've always found it interesting that most children with a mother in prison are cared for either by the wider family (usually but not always mum's) or by social services, not their fathers. We'd like to think most fathers would step up if the mothers of their children were unavailable to care for them and yet...

Shouldbedoing · 10/02/2025 08:28

My ex very quickly ruled himself out or the childcare solution when I had planned surgery this year. However, he did ask rather too many questions about my will, and 'what if.....?'

Helpagirlout222 · 10/02/2025 09:38

I have this scenario looming @Shouldbedoing and am a bit concerned over it. I always thought ex was the type to step up despite what's happened, and he has proclaimed himself to be so, but actually recent events have shown me that's not true. Not at all sure how it's going to pan out.
Can you imagine just opting out of being a parent?
@Broken12 I'm impressed with you having the energy to try another relationship! I hope it's been a boost in some ways at least

Original poster
Broken12 · 10/02/2025 09:52

Helpagirlout222 · 10/02/2025 09:38

I have this scenario looming @Shouldbedoing and am a bit concerned over it. I always thought ex was the type to step up despite what's happened, and he has proclaimed himself to be so, but actually recent events have shown me that's not true. Not at all sure how it's going to pan out.
Can you imagine just opting out of being a parent?
@Broken12 I'm impressed with you having the energy to try another relationship! I hope it's been a boost in some ways at least

Yeah I think my ex would be all talk about helping but not so forthcoming I’m reality….

@Helpagirlout222 well it kind of just happened. I have no energy to go looking for a relationship despite the boost it gave me! Don’t know how I found time for it 🙈

OP posts:
Queencam · 10/02/2025 13:04

Broken12 · 09/02/2025 20:22

Snap! And I think the reason I had it was because I felt safe with him so I could just by myself. Like there was no worry he’s an axe murderer or something! I find the online dating world too scary to think about right now!

Edited
Show quote history

Don’t feel bad about wanting it, by the way. Just because you’re a mum doesn’t mean you don’t have needs. You’re human! Hopefully the toe dipped opens your mind and heart to love / relationship possibilities in the future x

Original poster
Broken12 · 16/02/2025 08:20

Ladies, help talk some sense into me…tonight should have been the night this friend I was seeing was staying over for the first time. I know it would be completely wrong to text him and say I keep thinking about what we could have been doing tonight. So why do I keep debating sending him the message? He’s told me he’s mentally not in a good place so I need to refrain and just be friends, don’t I. Why do ‘what ifs’ keep entering my head 🤦🏻‍♀️ I know if I send it and he’s still not in a good place which I’m sure he’s not as it’s only been 2 weeks it could damage our friendship going forward. Won’t it? Please help me see sense!

OP posts:
BirthdayRainbow · 16/02/2025 08:43

Write the message in an email and send it to yourself. It might help get it out of your head, even if you have to do it several times. If you don't act on what is in your head it will remain there.

Today my son is going for a lunch to support his grandma. Also at the lunch will be exh and his "newish" gf. Ds is not bothered about her, he's going to support granny but I am Not Happy that the gf and ex get the enjoyment of my sons company. The reason for the lunch also makes it completely inappropriate that gf is there. He did have a very funny response to me saying I struggle with them getting to enjoy him, but I'll be glad when today is over. My son might not say anything about it which will be difficult but I'm on the home stretch for never having to have any contact with ex or see him again. ATM it is just once more when he comes to clean the house before I move out. I don't want to see him but there is one job I can't do and why the hell should I do 100% of everything?! I'm already doing 99%.

@Broken12 remember how far you've come. It's a shame about this other bloke but he wasn't for you. He's just a dip in the puddle to see what someone new feels like.

Original poster
Broken12 · 16/02/2025 09:02

I was just coming back on here to say that just writing it down on here has really helped and made me realise I shouldn’t and won’t be sending it. I bought myself a journal which I arrived yday and I’m going to start it today. I’ve realised writing really helps me reflect and remind me of how far I’ve come.

@BirthdayRainbow i hope you’ve for something nice planned for when he’s there. It’s hard enough missing out on these sort of occasions when you know you’d have been there if what’s happening wasn’t. I can’t imagine how difficult it is knowing his new gf is there instead 😞

You’re right. Back to focusing on myself now xx

OP posts:
NZDreaming · 16/02/2025 10:54

@Broken12 its very difficult to deny yourself something you want and this friend probably represents more than just a new relationship. He likely made you feel desired and attractive and allowed you to be you rather than ‘mum’. This is something you’ve been denied since your ex told you he wasn’t sure about the relationship, it’s only natural to want to be wanted again. With him it would be easier than with a stranger which makes the situation more comfy and therefore more enticing. Ultimately he’s told you where he’s at and as much as it frustrates you, you need to let him be for now, especially if there is any hope for a future relationship when he’s ready.

Journalling sounds like a great idea and can be very therapeutic.

Original poster
Broken12 · 16/02/2025 11:31

NZDreaming · 16/02/2025 10:54

@Broken12 its very difficult to deny yourself something you want and this friend probably represents more than just a new relationship. He likely made you feel desired and attractive and allowed you to be you rather than ‘mum’. This is something you’ve been denied since your ex told you he wasn’t sure about the relationship, it’s only natural to want to be wanted again. With him it would be easier than with a stranger which makes the situation more comfy and therefore more enticing. Ultimately he’s told you where he’s at and as much as it frustrates you, you need to let him be for now, especially if there is any hope for a future relationship when he’s ready.

Journalling sounds like a great idea and can be very therapeutic.

Literally everything you’ve said is spot on. I’m hoping journaling will help me on my low days to remind me that I do have happy days and that I am ok.

the feeling desired was so nice, it was something I thought I’d never have again after my split with ex but I have and I need to remember that it can happen again when the time is right.

OP posts:
Didsomeonesaydogs · 16/02/2025 12:31

I use Brenda and Frank as therapists. They’ve been really validating and help me to gain perspective on lots of interactions.

chatgpt.com/g/g-v9SoCDxCp

BirthdayRainbow · 16/02/2025 13:13

Thank you @Broken12 . I've done some more packing , written a list and I'm just watching football now before I walk my dog and then have some medicinal chocolate.

I have this and this one which help. The first is better than the second in my opinion.

Original poster
Broken12 · 16/02/2025 17:38

BirthdayRainbow · 16/02/2025 13:13

Thank you @Broken12 . I've done some more packing , written a list and I'm just watching football now before I walk my dog and then have some medicinal chocolate.

I have this and this one which help. The first is better than the second in my opinion.

Sounds like a good afternoon. I love football, it’s been my saviour this last year to be honest.

Thank you, I’ll take a look x

OP posts:
BirthdayRainbow · 16/02/2025 18:41

Ex couldn't understand why I wanted to watch football so I now watch any that is on the tv whether it is my team or not. When it is my team, and as I haven't got the tv package tightarse ex wouldn't pay the £8 I have to listen on the radio instead.

Original poster
Broken12 · 16/02/2025 21:42

Well I think maybe your aim for this year is to try and make it to a game in person @BirthdayRainbow X

OP posts:
BirthdayRainbow · 16/02/2025 22:54

Broken12 · 16/02/2025 21:42

Well I think maybe your aim for this year is to try and make it to a game in person @BirthdayRainbow X

That would be epic and I know who I'd love to go with but I don't think they can. My son is going to sort out my tv package once I move so I can watch more football if not all. I don't know how much packages cost or what I can afford really. It's been 27 years since I was totally responsible for all finances.