I need help…completely broken…separating from husband

[Broken12]

3 days ago my husband admitted he wasn’t working on our relationship anymore. A year ago he told me he didn’t know why but he wasn’t in love with me anymore but wished he could be. We’ve tried for a year (well he says he has). We’ve had counselling. I said I can’t carry on without hope so it’s over.

I’ve asked if there’s anything we can do to stop this happening but he’s said no. Married for nearly 6 years, together for 15 and a 1 and 4 year old. We’ve told our families now so it is real.

I just don’t know how to survive. Im completely broken. We had the perfect life on paper, all we ever wanted. But it’s not enough for him. We had a difficult few years conceiving our 2nd and 2 miscarriages but we got there. I’ve asked him to move out as I can’t bear seeing him every day knowing I can’t be with him. He won’t go until we’ve looked at all our options re the house and decided should we sell or who should move.

I’ve stopped talking to him unless it’s about the kids or our situation. I’m completely broken and struggling to eat and sleep. All I want is to be loved and feel wanted. This is not the life I want. I just don’t know what to do, life was so much easier when I was living in denial.

I’m so sorry op. Been there - like many others. You will get through this.
If he won’t move out, you can’t make him, it’s half his house too. Try to live as separately as possible, don’t do anything for him! Get the house on the market asap - if neither of you can buy the other out, it’s going to need to be sold most likely. As others said, that fat pension will be part of the divorce settlement, so you will get a chunk. See a lawyer without delay - taking control of the situation for you and your kids will help you feel better about things. I’m sorry you are married to a dick.

Thank you. I can’t believe I was stupid enough to choose such a dick to marry and give him so much of myself

Sounds like one or both of you have been lying to yourselves for a long time, so this is probably for the best.

"Perfect on paper" sounds like the sort of thing people say who only stay with their partner out of fear of never meeting anyone else, or familiarity, or to portray a certain image to other people. None of these are good reasons to be in a relationship. Be happy that there is hope in the future for both of you to meet people that are right for you, rather than staying together forever and being miserable.

I read your post and admire you for the way you express your feelings about what's happened. You are one brave lady. Onwards and upwards for you now.🌻

Why do you think he’s a dick?

I stayed in an unhappy marriage for a long time… we plodded along but not really happy. He would have continued. I stayed because of guilt, if fear, of not wanting to hurt him, not wanting to disrupt our children, homes etc. ultimately I just didn’t love him. Guess that also makes me a dick

Separation and divorce is painful, even if you’re the one deciding to leave. It’s rarely done on a whim

@Broken12 don't be angry at yourself.

I'm sure you weren't aware he was going to behave like this.

Remember now he is not your friend anymore.

Keep civil, cool and do not confide anything in him.

So so hard on you. I'm 18 months in from same.

Get a solicitor. Get cracking and take back control.

Because I don’t feel like he’s tried. I asked him for one example where’s he has tried and he couldn’t give me one, just said he has in his own way

How are you doing now? I’m just so scared of the unknown

I'd be tempted to move out and leave him with the kids if he won't leave. Either that will focus his mind on moving elsewhere or he'll actually step up as a dad, which might be good for them in the long-term. Why should he have everything his way?

I’m in the absolute dick camp! He’s made two children where you will have taken all of the sacrifice up to now and he thinks he can just opt out and have them for 2 nights a fortnight and be a Disney dad. Leaving you to the drudgery and ongoing financial/career impact. Keep your anger OP because he is indeed a dick!

I’ve seen this so many times and you will be ok, even if it feels like you’ve been hit by a truck right now. One thing I have to ask though is are you mentally prepared for an OW to surface? Every time I’ve seen this happen there has been one waiting in the wings.

@DriftingDora thank you, that's kind. I try to view all this as an opportunity for personal growth!

I cannot leave my kids

If there’s an OW I don’t know how I’ll cope. He’s sworn blind several times and I think I believe him but also I don’t know him anymore so who knows

I understand how you feel and would probably feel the same. But the reality is that if you want your kids to have an involved dad (and that's probably better than one who takes no interest), both you and he are going to have to get used to him having them on their own for extended periods of time where he has to step up as a parent.

As a minimum, I'd consider if you can start doing a few overnights elsewhere without the kids. Stay with friends and family while he parents them. That might give you some more space and energy for processing things and making plans.

You don’t know him. And I wouldn’t trust or believe a thing he says. This comes from seeing a man do the same and the OW was already pregnant. Just try to be prepared for more to surface as you go through this. And put yourself 100% first. No doing a single thing for him now. No meals, no washing, no anything at all. Does he do 50/50 of the child stuff? Or are you facilitating him to go to work by being part time or starting late or anything like that? I’d stop it all and say that, as you are not together, you will no longer be facilitating any of his life so he can do and list it. Start to take back control.

Prepare yourself for this to get worse before it gets better. There very well may be a girlfriend in the background.

Try and draw your energy inwards and focus on how to come out of this in the best position possible. Look in to the finances right now and try to figure out how much you could walk away with once this is over. If he's talking about having the kids every other weekend... I'd encourage this. It means he will owe you maintenance and you will have the children most of the time with a few breaks each month. Not a terrible starting place. Keep an eye on that pension of his. I know it sounds cold hearted but all's fair in love and war.

If you can possibly manage to hold your nose and fake bring civil for the children and to lay the ground to get the most out of your divorce I would encourage you to do this. Even if you have to lock yourself in the bathroom and have a cry in private at the end of each day ... you'll thank yourself later if you can look back and say that you held your head up high. You didn't beg and you didn't lose control of yourself. Best of luck hon x

A few years ago, I started a thread like this that got to 1000 posts. That shock and sadness and fear is incredibly difficult. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

My exH became a stranger at first. So angry, blaming me. It was awful. I think he had to make me the villain to justify what he was doing.

This isn’t about me though. I just wanted to say hang in there. It gets better, I promise it does. You might feel a maelstrom of emotions in these raw and early days. Please reach out, on here and in real life. People will want to support you.

I’m no expert on the practicalities, (it turned out my ex had met someone else so he just moved in with her and her kids. Others on here will have good suggestions in your horrible situation.)

I really wish you well. You are doing so great, even if it feels like the opposite.

Anger is good, use it.

You need to gather all your financials if you can- and see a solicitor.
They look at 50/50 first- then adjust it to include children, if someone has medical needs and requires more money etc. At least, this is my understanding -a friend has just been through it. She got 60/40 split and full custody- dad is in the picture and has child two days a week. He does not pay maintenance, threatened to pursue full custody if she insisted.
Do you have parents in the picture? do you work? You need to be as practical as you can, even though you may be breaking inside. Stay strong OP.

@Broken12

I am ok now. My stbxh assaulted me, cheated on me and was utterly awful.

He's contrite now and we are nearly divorced.

What you need to remember is that you and the dcs are going to be alright. You absolutely are. It's a long road ahead but you will get through it. And
You will look back at think with wonder at how far you've come.

You are the dcs rock, their stability.

He has caused drama and upset. Keep yourself stable for the dcs. Eventually the dust will settle and you will feel better again.

But you must be proactive and protect yourself and your future financial situation.

I’ve just booked in with a solicitor next week for advice.

I’m so sorry that happened to you. I hope you’re getting through it ok. I can’t have more children so that would break me.

he’s never done 50/50 with the kids. He had to ask me this morning what clothes the kids could wear to nursery. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’m not doing anything else for him. Just said I’ll leave some food out if I cook for me and the kids. I’ve given him 2 days in the week when he’s responsible for them. Still need to figure out the weekends. I don’t want to give up my time with them x

I’ve got a wonderful support network and all my family around. He has no one close. I work 32hours and just started a new job last week. Earning wise he’s on £101k and me 36k

Thank you. He wants to settle ourselves but I’ve booked jn with a solicitor next week. I need to know where I stand legally. He’s not the man i married so I can’t trust him now

I’m glad you’re ok now, what an awful experience you’ve had. I just don’t understand people sometimes

Glad you are working and that you have support. You will be ok, it’ll be hard at first and there will be times you will struggle, but it will be ok. Friend took between 12/18 months and is now incredibly settled, free, happy.

Yeah I bet he wants to settle between you! CF! Do not do that- you see a solicitor and get what you are due. Prepare for him to get nasty, please steel yourself for that. Do not back down, that’s what he wants. May try to get around you- don’t back down. Don’t engage.

Well done OP. Doing it ‘ourselves’ will only serve him. ‘His’ pension is not his, it is both of yours as you are married, and you will need legal guidance on how to get your half of it.

Thanks everyone. I really don’t want it to get nasty but I know I’ve got to protect myself and my children now. That’s all that matters x