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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

I need help…completely broken…separating from husband

801 replies

Broken12 · 11/04/2024 07:06

3 days ago my husband admitted he wasn’t working on our relationship anymore. A year ago he told me he didn’t know why but he wasn’t in love with me anymore but wished he could be. We’ve tried for a year (well he says he has). We’ve had counselling. I said I can’t carry on without hope so it’s over.

I’ve asked if there’s anything we can do to stop this happening but he’s said no. Married for nearly 6 years, together for 15 and a 1 and 4 year old. We’ve told our families now so it is real.

I just don’t know how to survive. Im completely broken. We had the perfect life on paper, all we ever wanted. But it’s not enough for him. We had a difficult few years conceiving our 2nd and 2 miscarriages but we got there. I’ve asked him to move out as I can’t bear seeing him every day knowing I can’t be with him. He won’t go until we’ve looked at all our options re the house and decided should we sell or who should move.

I’ve stopped talking to him unless it’s about the kids or our situation. I’m completely broken and struggling to eat and sleep. All I want is to be loved and feel wanted. This is not the life I want. I just don’t know what to do, life was so much easier when I was living in denial.

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 12/04/2024 19:14

He talks and you listen - don't agree to anything / with everything, and if you can - make notes or ask him to clarify something he says / suggests.

I would suggest recording it on your phone, but I don't know how to such a thing and I am not sure / convinced it is fair to record someone - unless you say you may need to refer to the conversation later so you can take it all in ?

I don't mean to sound harsh but try not to get emotional / cry, you need your wits about you !

Broken12 · 12/04/2024 19:51

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 12/04/2024 19:14

He talks and you listen - don't agree to anything / with everything, and if you can - make notes or ask him to clarify something he says / suggests.

I would suggest recording it on your phone, but I don't know how to such a thing and I am not sure / convinced it is fair to record someone - unless you say you may need to refer to the conversation later so you can take it all in ?

I don't mean to sound harsh but try not to get emotional / cry, you need your wits about you !

He said he’s be home in plenty of time…I assumed he meant for kids bed time. No he reckons he’ll be back about 9ish as he’s doing his expenses at work. Trying to be ‘financially responsible’. - he always does them late

OP posts:
Broken12 · 14/04/2024 09:57

This is where we are at - currently both thinking about 3 options…

1- we try living together in separate rooms splitting all household work and split kid responsibility in week then weekends share until daughter starts school-ish

2 -he move out and I stay here depending on finances. Then when youngest in school (3 1/2 years we agree if one wants to sell we do. He prob have every other weekend maybe a night in week or come here and do bed time 2 night a week (tbc)

3 - we sell now, both buy and have them 50/50 and move daughter schools if not settled by sept

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 14/04/2024 12:04

surely
option1 is just delaying the whole situation for a few years ? if it is the youngest child of 1 starting school-ish, or is it referring to the older child who starts school in Sept

and in the meantime neither of you gets to move on with their lives...

option 2 - depending on finances - well that needs looking into now ! as it may not be an option ?!

option 3 - why would 50/50 suddenly come into it, when it didn't in option 2 ?

that sounds like he is only interested in 50/50 if the house is sold now !

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 14/04/2024 12:06

and option 4
you move out and he stays there depending on finances. Then when youngest in school (3 1/2 years we agree if one wants to sell we do. He prob have every other weekend maybe a night in week or come to you and do bed time 2 night a week (tbc)

Broken12 · 14/04/2024 13:57

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 14/04/2024 12:04

surely
option1 is just delaying the whole situation for a few years ? if it is the youngest child of 1 starting school-ish, or is it referring to the older child who starts school in Sept

and in the meantime neither of you gets to move on with their lives...

option 2 - depending on finances - well that needs looking into now ! as it may not be an option ?!

option 3 - why would 50/50 suddenly come into it, when it didn't in option 2 ?

that sounds like he is only interested in 50/50 if the house is sold now !

Option 1 - sept when oldest starts. Just to try not to unsettle her before

option 2 - checking finances tonight

option 3 - because option 2 be prob only be able to get a 1 bed flat but option 3 a 3 bed house

OP posts:
tkwal · 14/04/2024 14:07

Broken12 · 11/04/2024 08:20

Thank you. I’m at the angry stage now. He keeps saying he doesn’t know why he can’t just be in love with me, he wishes he could but he just doesn’t feel it anymore.

do you have any recommendations for a solicitor?

Look for a solicitor who specialises in family law.

Done let this hollow man destroy you. Whether or not he has someone else lined up you will never be able to go back to how things were before. You will feel that you're taking 2 steps forward and one back for a while but you're already doing everything for your children, focus on that and ensuring he contributes to their upbringing.
I do feel for you and I wish I could offer you solace but all I can say is ...one hour at a time, then a day at a time , then a week at a time you will survive and move on.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 14/04/2024 14:21

I mean this very kindly but I think you are focusing too much on your eldest starting school, yes school is very important as she is going to be at it for years.

I know school allocations come out next week, and I guess she will get the one you had applied for,
but I think you need to concentrate on where you and the children will actually be living in 4/5 months time.

I feel you will all be settled in somewhere near your Mum.

I think a phone call to the allocations team once you get your result, saying it looks very likely that your circumstances will have changed by then and what availability is there for the school/s nearest your mum, and maybe even get onto their waiting lists - if there is a need for a waiting list ? There may even be a space ?!

Right now you have 4.5 months for your daughter to be ready to be settled into a new school not the one you have currently applied for.

As some one else said, an hour, a day, a week at a time
but focus on what you want
not him or his needs

and get lots of legal advice.

finally I see and agree with your point re working 4 days a week as you currently do.

SherryPalmer · 14/04/2024 14:28

I’m about a month or two further on than you. You’ve had a lot of good advice on the practicalities but also make sure you take care of yourself. Consider seeing your gp about antidepressants and counselling to help you get through this tough bit.

Don’t worry too much about the kids. They’re more adaptable than you’d think. I’ve found that my younger kids haven’t been too upset about the situation beyond the initial shock and have got used to the new routine (only seeing dad ever other weekend) very quickly. They’ve also moved schools frequently due to the expat lifestyle and it’s always been easier than you’d expect for them to re-settle into a new school as a lot of the school routines will be the same anywhere.

Finally, it sounds like your “dh” needs a wake up call that divorce is expensive and he’s going to have to make sacrifices to his standard of living to afford it. This seems to come as a shock to some men who think they will get to waltz off without a backwards glance. Your lawyer will help with all that. I felt a great sense of relief after my first session. Hopefully will be the same for you.

Broken12 · 14/04/2024 14:39

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 14/04/2024 14:21

I mean this very kindly but I think you are focusing too much on your eldest starting school, yes school is very important as she is going to be at it for years.

I know school allocations come out next week, and I guess she will get the one you had applied for,
but I think you need to concentrate on where you and the children will actually be living in 4/5 months time.

I feel you will all be settled in somewhere near your Mum.

I think a phone call to the allocations team once you get your result, saying it looks very likely that your circumstances will have changed by then and what availability is there for the school/s nearest your mum, and maybe even get onto their waiting lists - if there is a need for a waiting list ? There may even be a space ?!

Right now you have 4.5 months for your daughter to be ready to be settled into a new school not the one you have currently applied for.

As some one else said, an hour, a day, a week at a time
but focus on what you want
not him or his needs

and get lots of legal advice.

finally I see and agree with your point re working 4 days a week as you currently do.

All I know right now is I don’t want any of this so finding it very hard to think about what I do want out if the possible options.

thank you for your advice. School places out Tuesday so will see what that brings x

OP posts:
Broken12 · 14/04/2024 14:41

SherryPalmer · 14/04/2024 14:28

I’m about a month or two further on than you. You’ve had a lot of good advice on the practicalities but also make sure you take care of yourself. Consider seeing your gp about antidepressants and counselling to help you get through this tough bit.

Don’t worry too much about the kids. They’re more adaptable than you’d think. I’ve found that my younger kids haven’t been too upset about the situation beyond the initial shock and have got used to the new routine (only seeing dad ever other weekend) very quickly. They’ve also moved schools frequently due to the expat lifestyle and it’s always been easier than you’d expect for them to re-settle into a new school as a lot of the school routines will be the same anywhere.

Finally, it sounds like your “dh” needs a wake up call that divorce is expensive and he’s going to have to make sacrifices to his standard of living to afford it. This seems to come as a shock to some men who think they will get to waltz off without a backwards glance. Your lawyer will help with all that. I felt a great sense of relief after my first session. Hopefully will be the same for you.

Thank you and I’m sorry that you’re going through this too. I think it’s all just too raw at the moment for me to be able to think straight and decide

OP posts:
fevertotell · 16/04/2024 14:13

@Broken12 just checking in to see how you are? Did you get the school places you wanted for your child?

Broken12 · 16/04/2024 14:17

fevertotell · 16/04/2024 14:13

@Broken12 just checking in to see how you are? Did you get the school places you wanted for your child?

hey.

yes we got first choice. Happy but feels very tainted as she may never end up there.

ive asked him to move out asap so I can begin to process it all and given him a break down of what money I’ll need/expect from him. He’s not prepared to move until he’s gone through his financials so I’ve told him he needs to do it tonight!

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 16/04/2024 15:32

Well done !

I know you didn't / don't want to be going thru all this but you are :(

as he wants it !

so you say and do what you need / want to say / do !!!

the sooner he moves out and starts thinking and getting himself sorted the better !

Broken12 · 16/04/2024 16:34

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 16/04/2024 15:32

Well done !

I know you didn't / don't want to be going thru all this but you are :(

as he wants it !

so you say and do what you need / want to say / do !!!

the sooner he moves out and starts thinking and getting himself sorted the better !

I think I was just clinging on but I know now that this is happening (although haven’t yet accepted it) and the only way to get through it is to move through the steps and not be living together

OP posts:
Divorceadvice1 · 16/04/2024 18:08

Copied from another thread but relevant here too

There are three aspects to divorce - how you feel and are coping so do look after yourself, then there are the other 2 aspects - the divorce process and financial settlement process.

Financial settlement…

Cohabitation prior to and running into marriage may be considered by the court. Children are a priority.

It’s a legal requirement to get full and frank disclosure of assets from both parties and to have documentary evidence about their worth.

To get full and frank disclosure,
exchange Form E.
Both parties fill one in separately, attach the required documents and then exchange them.
Don’t skip the step of full, frank and complete disclosure. - including all pensions, investments, stocks and shares, savings cash, etc.
Form E sets out everything each party needs to disclose by law.

Once all the assets are known and valued, negotiations can begin. Section 25 factors give the guidelines for asset sharing. Mediation may help to come to agreements.

First though, make sure you get all the financial information and documentary evidence showing the value of each and every asset.

If anyone tells you there’s no need to get full and frank disclosure and valuations, or that you can make decisions without these, they are not acting in your best interest.

If any part of disclosure is missing you can send the other party a letter of questionnaire, asking for it.
If still missing you can send a letter of deficiencies, asking for it.
If still missing a solicitor’s letter can be sent, and a court order for it can be applied for if still missing after that.

This is what a solicitor would do but litigants in person can do this themselves.

Get CETVs for all pensions - cash equivalent transfer values - (pension providers usually provide one per year, free).

Courts apply the law using evidence. If there’s no valuation there no evidence so that’s why it’s required and important to get full disclosure and documentary evidence.

Consider getting an actuary report on the capital and future income value of pensions. This can include what a 50/50 split or target income would be and can factor in different retirement ages for example. The court can then use the report to make sure these assets are shared out fairly and correctly between parties.

Once you have full and frank disclosure you are in a position to negotiate- and not until.

Look at Section 25 factors - the sharing out of marital assets is based on these and the court uses them to determine whether a settlement is fair/good or not.

If pension sharing is a possibility/ something either party needs, send a form P to each pension provider. It just puts them on notice that a pension sharing order may happen in the future. The court requires that form p is sent to providers before a pension sharing order can be made. It’s worth doing it early.

Best not to rush the financial settlement process, or rush into any decisions or agreements, before you have full and frank disclosure. You need to see with your own eyes what all the assets are, and what they are worth first. That’s Form E.

The courts apply the law and as a married woman you are entitled to a share of the marital assets according to Section 25 factors.

In the financial settlement process get the disclosure, stick to the facts, rely on the evidence and apply the Section 25 factors.

It’s important to remember the courts work out what each party is entitled to under the law and that is the outcome you may work toward for yourself.

Take care of yourself and good luck.

CandidHedgehog · 17/04/2024 11:06

Broken12 · 11/04/2024 08:22

He won’t leave. At first he said he’ll do whatever I want but is now refusing. Saying it’s not fair if he ends up in some gritty flat. He should have thought about that first! He’s puts over a grand a month into a private pension as we planned to retire at 50 so I’ve told him he’ll have to stop that but apparently that’s not fair 🤦🏻‍♀️ I don’t know who he is anymore

Let him. You get a share of the pension (or a bigger share of other assets to compensate) anyway.

If he thinks he’s ‘hiding’ money there, he won’t hide it somewhere else.

Broken12 · 18/04/2024 12:35

Still waiting on him to figure out his financials….

he’s also adamant now he’s moving into the city centre where rent is twice the price and kids will have to just get up earlier and sit in rush hour traffic to get to school/.nursery

OP posts:
Janetime · 18/04/2024 12:43

I’m not sure the solicitor has given accurate advice, I’m sorry, he can force a sale of the house, he doesn’t need to keep paying it post divorce, that’s seldom how it works.

also if you only move ten mins away and your daughter has a place, she will be able to stay.

Nicebloomers · 18/04/2024 13:14

Broken12 · 18/04/2024 12:35

Still waiting on him to figure out his financials….

he’s also adamant now he’s moving into the city centre where rent is twice the price and kids will have to just get up earlier and sit in rush hour traffic to get to school/.nursery

To live his best single life! God they’re so predictable.

Hang in there. We are all rooting for you.

Broken12 · 18/04/2024 13:15

Janetime · 18/04/2024 12:43

I’m not sure the solicitor has given accurate advice, I’m sorry, he can force a sale of the house, he doesn’t need to keep paying it post divorce, that’s seldom how it works.

also if you only move ten mins away and your daughter has a place, she will be able to stay.

I’m seeing a different one tomorrow as been questioning what I was told.

its only 10 mins but outside catchment x

OP posts:
Janetime · 18/04/2024 13:32

It’s fine to move outside catchment, she has a place, they don’t ask you to leave,

Broken12 · 18/04/2024 13:38

Janetime · 18/04/2024 13:32

It’s fine to move outside catchment, she has a place, they don’t ask you to leave,

Issue I have though is when my son starts school he won’t get in will have them both in 2 different schools x

OP posts:
flummingbird · 18/04/2024 17:00

A lot of school place siblings high than catchment (in my area at least). Check the council's website, each school is listed and it tells you the order of preference for place allocation. It may put your mind at rest about that part at least.

Reachforthestars00 · 18/04/2024 21:06

Siblings tend to have preference - check the schools admissions policy (should be on their website). I was well out of catchment but youngest got in no problem with sibling rule.