I need help…completely broken…separating from husband

[Broken12]

3 days ago my husband admitted he wasn’t working on our relationship anymore. A year ago he told me he didn’t know why but he wasn’t in love with me anymore but wished he could be. We’ve tried for a year (well he says he has). We’ve had counselling. I said I can’t carry on without hope so it’s over.

I’ve asked if there’s anything we can do to stop this happening but he’s said no. Married for nearly 6 years, together for 15 and a 1 and 4 year old. We’ve told our families now so it is real.

I just don’t know how to survive. Im completely broken. We had the perfect life on paper, all we ever wanted. But it’s not enough for him. We had a difficult few years conceiving our 2nd and 2 miscarriages but we got there. I’ve asked him to move out as I can’t bear seeing him every day knowing I can’t be with him. He won’t go until we’ve looked at all our options re the house and decided should we sell or who should move.

I’ve stopped talking to him unless it’s about the kids or our situation. I’m completely broken and struggling to eat and sleep. All I want is to be loved and feel wanted. This is not the life I want. I just don’t know what to do, life was so much easier when I was living in denial.

Firstly you will get through this and life will be better in the long run, even though you are in shock now.

Whist it's hard being in the same house, working through how to manage the future now is going to make it easier in the long run, and talking will reduce the likelihood of expensive legal bills where nobody wins but the lawyers.

Get practical, what are the options for housing going forward? How much equity is in the house? What housing is available locally? What's your current earnings, his, childcare bills? Things like changing schools when so young is not a major issue but a roof over your head is. Where is your potential support system if any? Everybody and everywhere is different so these may not all apply.

As far as his decision to leave, we did the opposite, stayed together but he still left me, years down the line - whilst I'm really happy and settled now I do feel I was slightly cheated out of a life, like potentially having more children (of course I wouldn't have met dp then but you know what I mean) I wasted 12 years or so trying to build a relationship with someone who admits he only stayed until they were grown. If I had my life again I would have left him when he first started the not in love with you talk.

Best of luck op it will be ok. But my overall advice is don't rush things as it will be beneficial to you. Oh and that pension is half yours! Remember he's less likely to be tricky with finances if you have a good dialogue, I say this from experience helping other women

Exactly this.

Honestly I hate all this whipping up of anger there’s encouraged on here. It doesn’t serve anyone positively.

just serves to add combat, antagonise, causes more bitterness, resentment and animosity that does not serve the children well at all caught up in this . You’re going to have to co parent for a long time ! And that’s best served for your children by having a fairly amicable relationship ( not necessarily friendship)

not being angry all the time does not mean cave in..: but if you don’t have lots of assets between you you’ll spend thousands arguing about not much in reality so yes, seek advice but being able to negotiate and compromise ( you’ll both be worse off) without spending thousands on legal fees is not a bad thing

the main things to think about are

costs of childcare over next few years
cms payments and whether you can get any top up benefits
housing ( for both)

you may also have a case for some short term time bound spousal maintenance ( but this would impact any benefits you might also be eligible for)

Agree with @mitogoshi

I just don’t know how to be with him. Yes it would be easier if I’m just ‘normal’ but then j feel like he doesn’t deserve that! I want to hurt him like he’s hurt me.

I’ve booked jn with a solicitor now next Friday to undertake where I stand. One minute I want to move so I’m not dependent on him, the next I think for the kids it would be best if I stay in this house. But I cannot do that alone. I just don’t want to destroy my 4 years olds life x

Make sure you take your FULL legal entitlement. Once the divorce is done he could run off to the Bahamas and you never get another penny of maintenance or hour of shared parenting. So get your full legal entitlement. Do not compromise.

If there isn’t another lady in the wings I’ll be surprised. Seen it too many times sadly. It’s boringly predictable. His ‘I’m not cut out for family life’ sounds like he’s after sex and ego boosts and thinks the grass is greener where he hasn’t had time to dirty it (yet).

Google the hard 180. Assume there is another person. Get legal advice and follow it. Don’t wait but serve him papers asap. If he says we don’t need to rush it then push it more. Strangely the reality of divorce may be the only way he may see sense and change his mind. This goes against your natural instincts so will be very hard to do. Ironically if he changes his mind you may change yours as he has shown you the man he is capable of being.

if he is after another woman he may flip flop back and forth. Undecided. Blowing hot and cold. Crying one minute. Angry the next. But you need to say No , I love you but I’m not doing this. Let’s divorce. If he says let’s sort it ourselves ‘no let’s use a solicitor I’m too busy to sort it myself’. But do it quick so he isn’t hiding assets.

He is no longer on your team. He’s on team i want to retire at 50 and sow my oats without my kids weighing me down. So you need to be on your team. Get your LEGAL entitlement.

Good luck op. I wish you well.

Money wise if we got a good price for this house I could probably just about afford one in another area it’s just moving schools and nursery that I’d rather avoid.

my heads all over the place and continually changing

So get the house valued. Get a mortgage broker - friends should be able to recommend a good one. Focus on your future. Look after yourself.

For the solicitor meeting make a list of all assets.
mortgage with x £x left
pension with his work £x value
savings in x bank £x
car worth x

don’t forget old pensions from previous jobs. Look for his pension statement write down the name of the provider and the balance of the pot.

Post in legal but I think there is an issue if you take the statement without his consent but writing down 250k in his name with standard life he pays in 1k a month is fine.

Also for your mental health-

The book - Love Yourself like your life depends on it by Kamil Ravikant is excellent. Follow the instructions and do daily.

Headspace on Netflix.

Thank you. I’ve got access to most of our financial stuff as I sort it all anyway

really trying to be strong for my kids. Wish this was all a big nightmare x

Moving your kids school /nursery at these ages is not a big problem tbh

Do not tell him you are seeing a solicitor, he doesn’t need to know, it is your business not his.

Make copies of all documents and keep them in a safe place (friends house?). Find out where ALL his pensions are and the value. ( he will try to hide them).

Once you have seen the solicitor and are informed of your rights and claims you may be able to do the deal between you, but at some point he will get nasty.

Good luck and remember you need as much money as possible - for your children, you are not greedy or anything else he will say.

A relationship can’t work unless you both want it. You could stay together but it won’t be fulfilling and eventually one of you will do something unforgivable. Even if that is just calling a day on it. Did you really want a life with someone who doesn’t fell the way you want him to feel about you? If he doesn’t have those feelings, they can’t be willed.

The thing is, you aren’t going to find recourse for him not loving you in a divorce. You aren’t going to find recourse in an acrimonious split that lasts for years and blights all your lives. Trying to hurt him the way he hurt you is impossible. The only way you can hurt him is via other relationships and that means hurting other people, usually your children.

A lot of people have ended up not having reciprocal feelings for someone else. They aren’t bad people. They are humans who can’t control how they love.

You state your marriage was troubled for years and that you had counselling which didn’t work. That’s not a perfect life.

A whole load of negative feelings will be hitting you. Anger and bitterness are the worse ones. I don’t care what anyone says, sustained anger is unhealthy. It makes you irrational and impulsive. The last things you need when so much is at stake.

There aren’t many people who like or want to be around angry people. In the end it will harm you more than him. Dont be hot and angry be assertive and cold.

I’m just dropping in to send a hug. I had a 4 year old (and a 7 year old) when my marriage broke down. I’m not going to pretend it was easy, some days I wondered how I’d get through it and if my children would be damaged forever. Turns out 5 years on that they’re both amazing, and what they noticed most of all was that ‘mummy and daddy always said nice things about each other’ - to be clear we went through the courts and it was HARD (and we were NOT nice to each other) but we made a pact never to badmouth each other to the kids. It was the best thing we could do; they go happily between us and have a good relationship with us both and 5 years on we get on fine too (we’re not meeting up for coffee but we co-parent amicably). My ex also had no idea who the kids doctor was, where their dentist is and what they wore to school - he learnt it all and he’s an amazing dad (much better now than he ever was when we were together!).

Take one day at a time and focus on stability for yourself and the kids and I promise you’ll get through this and it won’t always hurt so much, one day you’ll be sending someone in your situation support on a forum somewhere and feeling amazed that you came out the other side and you’re all doing so great!

hugs xx

I know he can’t help the way he feels I just don’t feel he’s tried. We had 2 mc’s In between our babies and my life life became about having a baby. We finally got what we wanted and Then 12 months ago he drops this bombshell.

im trying to go down the cold and assertive route

Thank you. My biggest fear is damaging my kids. I’m dreading the day we have to tell my 4 year old mommy and daddy aren’t living together anymore and she has to spend time without one of us xx

Honestly mine didn’t seem to notice too much to begin with but then he did have an ‘angry’ stage - books massively massively helped - one called ‘two nests’ about two separated birds and if you look on Amazon for age appropriate books about separating there are loads. These helped hugely. And just letting them ask all the questions and continuing to reassure them how much both you and their dad love them. I know it’s scary but I promise you’ll get through it - the fact you’re so concerned about their reaction means they’re going to be just fine because they have you looking out for them xx

Sorry op but if you manage all the financials - I bet a quick glance over his credit card statement would be damning.

Men don't jump without somewhere to land. Not when their wife is cooking, cleaning, looking after the kids and sex on tap.

There is an OW somewhere.

Act while he's got his guilty pants on and becomes a complete stranger while he re-writes history.

Take control of the situation and call the shots.

Is your daughter in the nursery class at the school she should be going to ? as she hasn't actually started school yet has she ?

so moving to a new school for the reception class isn't a big problem as there will be other ' new ' children starting then too.

you mentioned possibly living in a different area, find out if there is space for Sept in the local school there.

This happened to me to, be prepared for OW, this sounds like the script. Don’t agree anything with him about the future, he isn’t your friend and need to protect yourself and the kids.

Speak to a solicitor , there is a big difference in your earnings and you will probably be entitled to more than 50% off the house which may enable you to downsize to something local. Same with pensions , if his is big can be used as a bargaining tool. I know things are really hard right now but you will get through this .

Don't worry about your child moving school mid yer, honestly, it happens a lot and in the early years even more, they adapt quickly. Good luck with the rest, sorry no advice but best wishes.

No she’s at a separate nursery but we find out next week what school she’s gotten into. But feel like we probably won’t be sorted in time to move schools before sept so she’ll have to do a bit in 1 and then move 🤔

think I’m going to have to wait until next week x

If there is OW lurking (and I suspect there is) this will not break you - use that anger to fuel you for the inevitable fight ahead. You are strong. Gather your close friends to support you and get legal advice ASAP. Be cool and distant with him, don't get drawn into emotional conversations or listen to his pathetic explanations. Keep focused on you and your little ones. This is the hard part but you will get through this. You are not broken - you are a warrior 💐

Please please prioritise legal advice. Don't wait. He'll feel guilty at the moment and that is where you want him to be. He's in for a massive shock when he realises the consequences of his actions. That pension for starters, is half yours. As are all other marital assets.

I had all this "want to be single" shit. Please prepare yourself for the fact that there is somebody else in the background. I'd be making to clear that 50/50 is what you're expecting with the children. He doesn't get to swan off "being single" and playing Disney dad every other weekend.

I've walked this mile. It was horrifically painful but life is infinitely better without him in it. It's taken a while and a lot of therapy but people who love you don't do this shit.

Thank you. I’ve booked a solicitor for next Friday. Struggling to her help earlier as I’ve just started a new job.

I don’t think I could bear it if we did 50/50 I want my kids with me. I do want him to have a relationship with them though