I need help…completely broken…separating from husband

[Broken12]

3 days ago my husband admitted he wasn’t working on our relationship anymore. A year ago he told me he didn’t know why but he wasn’t in love with me anymore but wished he could be. We’ve tried for a year (well he says he has). We’ve had counselling. I said I can’t carry on without hope so it’s over.

I’ve asked if there’s anything we can do to stop this happening but he’s said no. Married for nearly 6 years, together for 15 and a 1 and 4 year old. We’ve told our families now so it is real.

I just don’t know how to survive. Im completely broken. We had the perfect life on paper, all we ever wanted. But it’s not enough for him. We had a difficult few years conceiving our 2nd and 2 miscarriages but we got there. I’ve asked him to move out as I can’t bear seeing him every day knowing I can’t be with him. He won’t go until we’ve looked at all our options re the house and decided should we sell or who should move.

I’ve stopped talking to him unless it’s about the kids or our situation. I’m completely broken and struggling to eat and sleep. All I want is to be loved and feel wanted. This is not the life I want. I just don’t know what to do, life was so much easier when I was living in denial.

@Broken12 I'm glad you have a solicitors appointment. I hear you with 50/50 and the reality is it will all be too much for the poor dot. But for now, I'd make it clear to him that that's your aim so you can work more, go out and date etc. Mine said he wanted "full custody" but in reality, he buggered off never to be seen again. That is another scenario you must prepare for. It's all too difficult for them, all this having to come back and you and the kids encroaching on his new life.

So when he gets his grotty flat, he needs to
think about all the stuff he needs for the kids, school runs, childcare that he must organise etc. Do you see where I'm coming from with this?

I know it feels hard but your kids ages is honestly perfect to get this sorted. My friend had kids the same ages and she's now the happiest person I know. Eventually, once settled, she met an incredible man who adored her and her girls are so happy and successful. Your kids are young enough to quickly adjust to new schools and a new home. It's literally a window of opportunity. If I was you I'd go into action mode 100% to get everything sorted asap, don't think too much just go, go, go! Be strong now and grieve later. Get the house on the market as soon as you can.

My other friend didn't take this window of opportunity and is utterly miserable, stuck as both parties are too fearful of moving the kids at age 12 and 9. Live together under the same roof but lead separate lives, yet surprise surprise she does all the housework, most of the childcare and pays half the bills. He swans off and does what he wants with whoever he wants. It's a horrible existence and so damaging for the kids. I know you won't feel this now, but you are one of the lucky ones - your house sale will afford you a house on your own, your wages aren't bad and you will get decent child maintenance due to his high wage. You may even get some benefit top ups as a single mum.

Good luck. You owe it to your kids to take very quick action. Put them first and be strong. You can fall apart once in your new safe, peaceful home, free from this horrible situation.

I think he needs to understand what reality is like without you.

Stop doing his cooking, cleaning etc. it's good you're leaving him to sort the dc out twice a week, this should also include taking them to and from from nursery and looking after your 1 year old old.

Also look at upping your hours.

Don't settle without talking to a solicitor. You could be entitled to more if he won't have the dc 50/50, and also don't forget things like pensions and savings. Take photo copies of any financial documents you can get your hands on.

Just a word of encouragement - XH may have been the secondary parent to date but that doesn't necessarily mean he won't step up. I agree with PP saying make sure he understands it will be 50/50 and he'll have to deal with all the sick days, childcare issues etc on his days. My STBX did 3/5 of FA when we were together and it all fell to me. Post-split - and possibly because 50/50 shared care means no CMS - magically this changed.

In the beginning it's awful to feel like on top of losing your marriage, you're going to lose time with your DC, but once the fog starts to lift you will need/be grateful for some child-free time to focus on your work/meeting someone else/just having some time to yourself.

Not a surprise, though.
Most of them are weaklings really and in reality don't want a "family life".
Most of them, not all of them.

He only wants to see his children four days a month? Wow.

If there isn’t another woman, I’ll eat my fucking shoes.

I agree. Most most men really don't want to play happy families, or at least not anything like as much as women do. It's also much easier now for men to be unfaithful. Mobile phones, social media and wall to wall porn at their finger tips has given them greater freedoms and boosted their already large egos.

I'm really glad you have a good support system around you. That'll really help you along this process. I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's really difficult but I can assure you that in time you will see that light at the end of the tunnel. You will be okay, even if it doesn't feel like it now.
Definitely take the steps you're taking and talk to a solicitor so you can get all the information you need. If you're worried about costs though use this free help guide I used so you can ease the costs a little whilst still getting solicitor advice by doing whatever you can yourself x https://iamlip.com/ it really helped me
It's really awful how they can cost an arm and leg just to get divorce help so I hope this might help make the process a bit easier for you during this time x

Thank you all for you kind words and support. I’ve read them all. I spoke to a solicitor today in the end who said he’d have to continue to pay half the mortgage and then child maintenance. I really need to think about what I want to do: either sell and move house and schools but then not be financially tied or stay with him paying half the mortgage and child maintenance and keep the kids settled in this house. Need to have a proper think.

I’m too scared to call his bluff on 50/50 custody as I’d be devastated if he went for that. I know they are his kids too but I do everything for them at the moment and j don’t think any of them would cope. I don’t want a break from my kids. I just want to keep the relationship for my kids sake.

i work 4 full days at the moment, I can increase but I want that one day with the kids whilst they’re small and childcare costs would mean working for peanuts.

ive stopped doing anything for him now. Only thing I’ll do is cook if I’m cooking for me and the kids. We went out tonight so he’ll be home to nothing. No washing has been done and nothing will be ironed. He’s in the spare room which is a mess already

@Broken12
Make sure you see if you're entitled to any benefits.
www.entitledto.com
At the very least you'll now get child benefit.

And calculate child maintenance.
https://www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

There are lots of ifs and buts, but as he is a much higher earner, depending on how much equity there is in the house vs savings and pensions (and it sounds like his pension pot is large), you might get all the house.
A friend's ex had to keep his name on the mortgage to enable this (she was a much lower earner).
You mustn't agree to anything without running it past a solicitor. 50/50 is unlikely to be appropriate here.

Good luck. It does get better.

He won’t be expected to pay half mortgage and child maintenance long term at all

of course he should pay at the moment but long term I’d be very surprised if he was ordered to at all and if he’s paying that it’s possible ge won’t be able to move out and pay rent and bills elsewhere - a big reason people live together while divorcing

its highly unlikely you’ll get a mesher for a long time either.

people move house every day, your children will settle in a new property.

and it doesn't matter if you do call his bluff re 50/50 - he could call your bluff on it too

at the end of the day you won't know until it goes thru the legal process what he actually asks for, and further down the line what he actually does

and stop cooking for 4, cook for 3 now. and shop accordingly.

Well done OP! You are grasping the bull by the horns and that's brilliant. You're doing great 💐 lean on your friends and be kind to yourself! You will get through this x

A lot of people have ended up not having reciprocal feelings for someone else. They aren’t bad people. They are humans who can’t control how they love

Nonsense. Teenagers fall in out of love but a married couple are supposed to commit to each. In this case the baby is a year old so hardly time for this to be a bad marriage.

Op, I really feel for you. Unfortunately OW is a possibility and it sounds like the script. You might want to start a support thread on relationship and use this for legal advice.

I would caution on 50/50, ex fought for extra contact because he knew it would reduce maintenance AND allowed him to flit in/out. There is nothing you can do to enforce him seeing the dc but he can then demand to stick to the schedule when it suits him. I find it infuriating as I'm the default parent when he wants to go off on holidays, irrespective of the legal agreement.

Thankfully my dc are now older so recognise who is the solid parent but as yours are so young you have years ahead of you.

I recommend keeping your cards very close to your chest. He is likely to have thought about what settlement he wants but you have to have time to think of your future.

Get support, mn will have women who have gone through similar and hearing other stories does validate your feelings.

I wish I could say it will be easy but it won't be..however you will survive and indeed thrive. Your children will be OK, mine are happy and successful because I am more relaxed and we have great fun together. They don't respect their dad as see how selfish he is.

Be gentle with yourself. You don't deserve this and it isn't fair but some men are very weak and selfish.

Sorry you’re going through this OP. Sending you strength and hope you come out the other side much happier when you are free from this weak man.

I just want to say don't assume he won't stop paying the mortgage. My ex did this. I was horrified. I wasn't working as we had a disabled toddler and I was entirely financially dependent. I ended up having to claim SMI just to pay the interest and I will have to pay that back. There was zero consequence for him. He actually said to me "can't your dad or brother pay it because I've got a new family now and you are not my priority".

In your shoes I'd get the house on the market and get yourself into a financially independent situation. Make an appointment with CAB about what benefits you can claim. And STOP cooking for him. He's checked out, he's responsible for himself. I'm speaking as somebody who was in your shoes. Or worse actually, as he just walked out after 15 years, cleared the bank accounts, sold all our assets aside from the house and stuck a middle finger up at me and our toddler. Little meek and scared to rock the boat me, took all of this at the time and fell to pieces. You've got a chance here to say "fuck you" and get your life on track. The grieving process will have to happen but not now. Let your anger take over and get yourself and your kids into a situation where you have a chance to start over. It will be ok. I promise you

Why are some men such dicks! I hope you and your beautiful child are in a better place now.

Just trying to dig deep and find the strength to fight him. I’ve spent so long trying to please him and make him love me that it’s hard x

It's unlikely that he has done any research on the financial consequences of divorce before announcing this decision. So you can get ahead of the curve.

Re the split of assets: if you can't afford to buy him out of the house you will have to sell and move. I'm in this position and as upsetting as it is, it's just a fact. A house is just a house and I will make another nice (much smaller) home. However, although the starting point in divorce is a 50/50 split of assets, the actual split is determined on basis of needs. If you're going to have the kids most of the time and he only wants EOW, your housing need is probably greater (more bedrooms) than his (he can put them in a shared bedroom when they're there).

Your childcare costs are also relevant to needs because this drain on your income will reduce income available for rent/mortgage and other essentials like food, travel costs to work, and utilities. You need to put together an expenditure budget (Form E requires this) to work out your monthly expenditure on everything. A solicitor will give you a template but you can also work it out for yourself. You need to get housing particulars of the type of property you need in the area you need, eg 3 bedrooms in X town, and work out what the maximum mortgage you can raise is, as the starting point to argue for how much equity from the current house you'll need.

Then you look at mortgage deals and work out the monthly repayments on that. Put that in the expenditure budget and add a monthly amount for everything else: food, utilities, childcare, petrol, travel to work, clothes for you and the kids, road tax, insurance, car maintenance, house maintenance, holidays/entertainment, birthday and Christmas presents etc. It is also helpful to do a second budget of just the hard essentials (no holidays, presents etc.). If it looks like you won't be able to afford the mortgage you need on the basis of a 50/50 split of capital, then that's your argument for an unequal split in your favour. That said, he also needs to be adequately housed and if there genuinely isn't enough money to house you both then you may both need to look at moving further afield to cheaper housing.

Court will expect you to maximise your income by increasing hours.

Finally, if you have any shared savings accounts, I'd think hard about withdrawing 50% of those to an account in your sole name. My STBX had all our joint savings in a sole name account and had spent every penny within 3 months of leaving me. It was nearly £100k. I won't see my share of that back.

Thank you so much for all your advice and I’m sorry you’re going through this as well.

I think I’ve decided I want to sell and remove the financial dependency from him. If we had 50/50 from the house sale I can afford to move near my mom. It’s only a 10 min drive from where we are now and where we grew up so I’ll be happy there and will have family support. We moved near as it’s a ‘nicer’ area and that was really important to my husband. I would have happily bought near my mom originally. Looking at child maintenance I be entitled to I’ll be able to make it work but won’t have much left over. Any benefits I’d get would be a bonus

Although savings are in both names only I’ve got access to them all as he’s never bothered with it all

you sound a little bit more positive when you write that you feel you would be happier living near to your mum - if you are happier in a familiar location your children will pick up on your feelings and you will be turning your new house into a happy home - and of course it's possible you will get support from mum and others living nearby.

Absolutely this. Great advice. It’s awful (personal experience) and shocking and unfathomable but you NEED to speak to a solicitor asap. He could have something else going on, he might not but damn sure he will be putting himself first and you need to do the same. He may have already had legal advice. Good luck. Big hugs 💐

You'll be getting a slice of his pension so let him do what he wants.

You will probably find you're entitled to stay in the family home - see a solicitor. Get him on the sofa.

Stop talking to.him, he's being a knob.

It may have been mentioned but I would move half the savings into your account . It’s amazing how quickly someone does become interested in money - especially if there is someone whispering in his ear .
( Been there and wasn’t quick enough)

It’s not highly likely op will get to stay in the home if she cannot buy him out and take in the mortgage! Her husband is a high ish earner but not really high. Her children are young. No court will want to tie him to that for next 17 years. Perhaps op might remain in short term or for couple years etc we don’t know but more than likely it will need to be sold

noone here knows the op ex or what he considers fair, he may be reasonable ( and I know lots of men in rl that have been). Encouraging op to move money, get angry, take an antagonistic approach is not necessarily helpful imo. That’s not to say op has to be a spectator in this by any means but actually being able to be rational, and talk to husband in a balanced non confrontational manner may be to op benefit and certainly for the children in this.

loads if people their own bad experiences- but not all divorces go that way, nor do they need to if people keep lines of communication open.

trust me, emotions are raw, flying around and understand op in pain. But having also been on the other side and being the ‘dick’ who wanted to leave, I can also say it wasn’t a walk in the park either, even though ultimately I was the one calling it a day

I definitely can’t buY him out.

We’re going to talk again tonight but I won’t be agreeing to anything yet. I don’t know what I want to do