I need help…completely broken…separating from husband

[Broken12]

3 days ago my husband admitted he wasn’t working on our relationship anymore. A year ago he told me he didn’t know why but he wasn’t in love with me anymore but wished he could be. We’ve tried for a year (well he says he has). We’ve had counselling. I said I can’t carry on without hope so it’s over.

I’ve asked if there’s anything we can do to stop this happening but he’s said no. Married for nearly 6 years, together for 15 and a 1 and 4 year old. We’ve told our families now so it is real.

I just don’t know how to survive. Im completely broken. We had the perfect life on paper, all we ever wanted. But it’s not enough for him. We had a difficult few years conceiving our 2nd and 2 miscarriages but we got there. I’ve asked him to move out as I can’t bear seeing him every day knowing I can’t be with him. He won’t go until we’ve looked at all our options re the house and decided should we sell or who should move.

I’ve stopped talking to him unless it’s about the kids or our situation. I’m completely broken and struggling to eat and sleep. All I want is to be loved and feel wanted. This is not the life I want. I just don’t know what to do, life was so much easier when I was living in denial.

Yep this!

In DDs year, kids who could see the school from their house didn’t get in due to it being a high sibling year and they get priority.

They don’t get preference 😞 it’s a very small and popular school. We’re 0.25m Away and just inside catchment

I expect it goes

looked after children in the community
sen
siblings in catchment
catchnent
siblings outside catchment
the rest

Spaces allocated top to bottom until full

Unless he’s very high earner he won’t be expected to pay your mortgage. You might if lucky get some short term spousal or financial assistance as children young, but I’d expected that to cease certainly once youngest starts schoool, if even due until then

ge won’t be expected to live in a ‘gritty’ flat while you’re in nice house either

When discussing finances I think you both need to break it down into

innediate needs - who lives where/wga pays what bills

medium term - next couple of years while you both sort yourselves into new lives and work through practical things and divorce

longer term- 3-4 years from now

These feckless men who 'just want to be single'!

What would happen if the Mother did that too? Kids go into care?

I truly believe that there are men who have this planned all along. Find one to procreate with, leave her in the shit, run off and have their freedom whilst still pontificating about loving being a 'Dad'.

I'm so angry for you OP. I've been in similar and yes it will get so much better. But I'm so so angry for you.

Yes, he does.
I would go for 50/50 for sure.
Don't let him 'compromise' at every weekend, or you will be doing all the day to day whilst he's a Disney Dad.

That's not the same as an inherent desire to be single tho is it? Wanting to be a parent 48/365 while the other parent does the rest?
And no help to the OP at all.

Many of you on here are too young to have seen The Life and Loves of a She Devil by Fay Weldon (USA version just called She Devil).
It's an exaggerated account of what many of us have dealt with. It's very good.

I’m at the point now that I’m convinced he is having a mid life crisis but seems there is nothing I can do about it, he needs to figure it out for himself.

he keeps telling me he wishes he didn’t feel like this but can’t help it. He is also now adamant he wants to get a place jn the city centre which is twice the rent as around here. He just says he feels like there is true happiness out there and he deserves a chance to try. I don’t know what he is looking for. He repeatedly says on paper he has everything he thought he ever wanted.

speaking to a solicitor at 10 and feel sick at the thought of it

@StMarieforme it was simply to say that someone wanting to leave a marriage diesnt automatically mean they’re having an affair, or are a dick, or deserve to lose everything…. As is the narrative on these threads whipping up a frenzy of jeering to op to ‘get angry’

that serves no one positively
if course he may turn out to be selfish and waste of space. He may, once separated actually step up in ways he’s not saying currently. But no one on here knows that
and your comment no more helpful to op than mine

OP, I m so sorry you are going through this. This man has happiness on his hands already and doesn’t know it. There will be a moment he regrets all this.
Flat in the city? He obviously wants to live the bachelor lifestyle.
Thing is, when you get rid of him there is a huge chance that you may feel that you are happier without this burden of him.
What infuriates me with these men is that they think of all this after they have 1-3 kids. Then they want to separate and leave the responsibility with the mother them doing only bare minimum.
I have come to the conclusion that a woman should have kids and get married only when she makes enough money herself to live without him If needed. Otherwise we are often end up divorced with no financial support and kids to raise on our own.

Not sure why insist he leaves, to be fair you both own house and it needs sold and money split. It's so much better to be amicable than at each others throats. He has made it clear for a long time it's not working out as you've known yourself. You've lived together with that and surely can continue a little longer for the kids sake and for the sake of not falling out massively. I'm all for amicable if there has been no cheating etc involved. We can all fall out of love but it doesn't need to become a hammer and tongs situation either

I’ve spent the last 12 months being told he wants more than anything for it work and that’s what he was working on. It was only last week he told me this was no longer his aim

I'm 20 years beyond this now after my ex told me out if the blue that he didn't love me any more and it wasn't worth trying counselling as it's all he'd been thinking about (since before ds2 was conceived!)

We'd been together 19 years and had 5 and 1 year old at the time we split.

Our circumstances were different - not married, both on similar salary, enough equity to sell up and buy separately, he was embarrassingly keen to move out even though it made his life more complicated (when that was supposedly what he wanted to escape).

Just wanted to say it does get better.
My boys moved out last year as independent young adults who seem happy and stable all things considered.

I do remember at the time of the split going through a grieving process. For the person I thought he was, for his gas lighting that tainted the whole relationship and not just the last few years, for the loss of that hope/expectation of growing old together, for the loss of what had been a close family unit.

The break up was triggered by him, but in hindsight I'm glad it happened in some ways as I regained the independent, go too person I'd been before and found it easier to cope with life's hiccups (ie children wrangling) on my own than in the company of someone who made things more difficult.

Thank you for sharing your story. I am definitely grieving what could and should have been right now.

infact I’m sat here thinking of anyway possible to stop this from happening x

I don’t want to upset you any further but are you prepared to there being someone else in the background ? I know it’s not always the case but I have known of so many men who swear there is no one else, they are just not happy etc etc and a very short time later , OW pops up .

He reckons he’s not built for this life and needs to be single

Yes, and then once the divorce is finalised a new girlfriend will suddenly pop out of the woodwork!

What he means is he’s a lazy, selfish, feckless arse who can’t be bothered parenting his kids so will swan off to live in a bachelor flat leaving you to do 95% of everything whilst he’s the “fun dad” taking them to McDonald’s every other weekend.

They’re all the same these men who suddenly decide to opt out of family life when they reach their 40’s. And it’s amazing how many then quickly move on to another woman (who was likely lurking in the background all along).

I would definitely be pushing for 50/50.

You will be doing yourself a disservice to allow anything less. Let’s see how long he enjoys being single when you’re not there to do all the domestic shite/childcare and he’s on his own. Try not to be emotional out it - use your head. All too often the woman is left doing all the shitty weekday stuff whilst the man is left with the fun stuff at the weekends and can let them watch tv all day.

There’s so much to think about and none of it is stuff I ever thought I’d have to think about.

re ow I have thought about it but no, not mentally prepared

Yes my ex husband said the same. Poor him. I have brought up our disabled son entirely alone. There was an OW although he swore on our toddler's life there wasn't. Scumbags.

My husband of 23 years has been through a lot of health issues which nearly killed him a couple of times. Also has a very stressful job dealing with death daily. He's been going therapy and said after Christmas he wasn't sure if he wanted to be om his own. Didn't know if he still loved me, and was bored of doing the same thing every night. But he was scared to leave because his dad committed suicide when he was a child and he always swore he would never leave hus children. Been working through stuff I've been encouraging him to do things and have more time to himself. Then end of last week he opened a letter which was a ticket for parking at a hotel for 5 hours. Colour drained and i knew. He tried to lie but I kept pushing, and eventually he admitted he had been there with a woman from work for sex. Only been a couple of times and only been going on a month. Obviously I don't believe a word that comes out his mouth. I'm devastated sad angry terrified. He gad an affair just before getting ill which we worked through but half of me thinks I never really got chance to see if it was right for me as he was taken ill acoupke of months,later so I went straight into caring for him for the next 5 years. I told him to take his excuses to the kids and go as I needed some space. Kids are 18 and 21 and each have their issues but he's terrified to tell them. I know he will need to cone beck soon so we can see hoe to move forward. We both know its over but im so sad and terrified. I'm broken. Thought he was my best friend but I would never do thus to someone so I guess not x can't eat. Kids know something is going on so trying to hold it together. It's all so raw x

I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say.

I know what you mean about losing your best friend though. I miss him already and he still in the house at the moment. I miss telling him about my life and my day.

everyday I wake up feeling broken. Sending you a massive virtual hug xx

Big viral hug to you too brokenxx yesterday I was so angry today I am so upset and can't stop crying. I'm 55 soon and the thought of having to start over terrifies me. I don't know where to start and feel I've lost my rock and go to person.

I’ve cried every day for 12 days and barely eaten. I don’t know how I’m ever going to trust anyone again but also being by myself for the rest of my life is terrifying x

Oh sweetheart xx I'm so sorry. I know we will be ok . We just need to put one foot in front of the other and take each day at a time. We struggle to run 1 household and live hand to mouth. How on earth do we manage 2? Hrs got a great pension coming in 3 years. Lump sun and I've a crap one. Utterly teffified. Xx

I’m so sorry OP.

A lot of this feels familiar to me. I’m still in the part where he says he wants to work on being happy with what he has (me and two very young children). I wonder if he will move onto this next phase too.

What a fool he is. I wish you so much strength going through this shit bit and hope you find all the happiness you deserve on the other side.