Family Court - HELP!

[FamilyCourt88]

I'm new on here and I've never posted before so I have no idea if I have posted in the right place, so a little help would be appreciated. I'm going through a tough time at the moment, on account of my dreadful ex-partner. We were together for 12 years and separated in 2020, up until August last year our daughter (7) went to his mum and dads house, where he moved into when we split, to spend time with him EOW.

In August 2023 she came home with a really bad hairdryer burn on her back and scratches on her face, from the same weekend at their house! They didn't let me know and I was mortified when I saw her back, she told me she asked for mummy all weekend but they didn't call me - Things didn't seem right as she had asked me several weekends before to ring her whilst she was with them as she missed me, when I did this they didn't answer...

He hasn't seen her since August 2023 and only just applied to court in January 2024 for 50/50... which has broken me, as he was never bothered about this before, not until he had to pay CSA.

Due to DV, police reported, sat on my chest so his dog could bite me... 😞the burn marks etc. - a solicitor has said he won't get that, which has helped calm the nerves a lot, I am still so very nervous for court on the 19th March

A lot more has gone on in between which I am happy to share, however my worry is, that whatever is granted, how do I force her to do something she doesn't want to do?? I have tried and encouraged until I'm blue in the face but nothing works... Since what happened with the burn and scratches she is refusing to go...

Again, I'm sorry if this has been posted in the wrong place - I'm at my witts end.

Did you take photos of the scratches and burns for evidence? It could be useful to keep record of all incidences to back you up.

Is this the first meeting? It wont be ordered or decided in the first one to my knowledge.

I'm so sorry. This is a really horrible situation to be facing.💐

Start documenting all the past incidents. What happened, when, injuries, what DD said etc. Start now because things will come back to you and it will build up over time.

Identify what your concerns are. What are those concerns based on? What's happened to you is relevant. There's a huge correlation between DV and child abuse because both are about power and control.

Speak to Social Services. It evidences your concern and shows you are acting in DD's best interests even if they don't get involved because they say your behaving appropriately to protect DD. It's a paper trail that can support your case in the family court.

Obviously it's no guarantee but I've seen a lot of abusive men do this as a power exercise and to avoid paying maintenance. A lot of the time when they are given contact they don't take up the opportunity - because quality time with their children is not their ultimate goal.

Are you requesting that any contact starts by weekly contact in a contact centre that he pays for?

Definitely would say a supervised contact centre should be requested as PP has already said. At 7 they will consider your daughter's thoughts and feelings but unfortunately she won't have the final say. Good luck op I hope the 19th goes ok for you. Xx

Given there's been a lapse in contact definitely ask for it to be gradual. My ex got 1 hour a week for 2 weeks, then 2 hours for 2 weeks etc until he was up to 6 hours. We never got to that 🙄 him not being in control meant he would rather not see the kids. I'm in family court that date too, good luck

@Pickles2023 Hi, thank you so much for coming back to me, I did take pictures, she came back from the weekend at theirs and his mum, as he hasn’t spoken to me about my child since 2021 😳 just said so chill ‘oh this happened this weekend’ I was mortified and heartbroken, why they didn’t even call me?? Do you think I should print the picture for next week or maybe have them for the second hearing??

He didn’t even ask for shared custody in our divorce, just to drag my name through the mud, that’s all he’s wanted to do. All he’s even wanted to do…

xx

@Resilience It really is so rubbish, he’s just a horrible man - other than my DD he really did ruin my life.

I have gone to the police and the hospital for my reports and printed them out for Tuesday so I have my ducks in a row as such but I’m still panicking as I know he’ll turn it all round - he’s a born narcissist.

He stopped me seeing family and dragged me to nothing, and as the relationship with his mum and dad, I had to deal with his dad, has broken down so much I can’t see how we can go back?? All I want is what she wants, that’s it, she trusts me and I really can’t break that 😢

I honestly think if he gets supervised he won’t bother, like you said it’s all control and that’s something he can’t control. It’s all to do with money, he can keep it if it means that much to him!!

@RandomMess I would say something like that I would suggest, it’s just trying to get the little lady to agree - she’s so adamant, she cries and just asks to stay with me… as much as I am trying

@Lovebeingamummy2 I wouldn’t be comfortable with anyone else, I just know because he’s being told what to do he wouldn’t be able to cope. Knowing at least they will listen to her helps, Cafcass are carrying out a section 7, forgot to mention that ❤️

@WhamBamThankU In the safeguarding letter they mentioned gradual and referred a lot to starting a relationship again with him and his parents, this should just be about him, shouldn’t it?? Was that in the interim whilst all court proceedings are going through? He didn’t stick to it long then 😡 they sound better off without him if he really can’t be bothered. Good Luck for the 19th ❤️

@FamilyCourt88
An interim order runs until the next court date where they can issue another one or a proper order. We're still in court over 2 years later and a lots gone on in that time. It's ridiculous because you have to make sure the child is available or you're seen as obstructing contact, but they can just not turn up and nothing happens to them. Just play the game, it's best for you and your daughter

@WhamBamThankU Right OK then, so something should be put in place until the next hearing, thank you for that. If my DD is refusing to go and is crying did you have any advice or pointers? xx

You have to keep positive with her, keep reminding her that daddy wants to see her too, she'll have lots of fun and that you'll be there to pick her up/see her in an hour or whatever it is. Basically just be as positive and seen to be encouraging her to want to see him as much as you can. Don't give him any ammo. It's hard sending them off when they cry but once it becomes regular and they see you're there for them afterwards it should settle down. It's possible she'll make such a fuss he won't want to take her, but then he's made the decision not you.

@WhamBamThankU thank you so much, I think something more happened with the hairdryer and that's why she doesn't want to go... I will try all I possibly can with her, it will be really hard if she's crying - if we go and he doesn't turn up, which I'm guessing he won't do then at least even if she's upset I will have taken her. It's looming closer now, still waiting for him to drop it all to be honest! Believe it or not he's playing the victim, has said he didn't assault me and asked for a screen in court

Of course he is. My ex is the same, he's a victim of mine 🫠 despite me being awarded legal aid due to his abuse. Are you eligible for legal aid? I get support from IDAS and have my own key worker who rings me every few weeks for a chat. It's really helpful. Do you have anything like that?

@WhamBamThankU He has said to Cafcass 'I did not assault her, she assaulted me' unbelievable aren't they?? I don't qualify for legal aid, even with the DV, so am going without a solicitor on Tuesday - which I know won't be ideal. However I can instruct after, he hasn't got one either! I don't have anything like IDAS at all, would you have any advice at all on how I go about that? X

Oh don't go without a solicitor- seriously you need one to ensure the proceedings are in your favour. It's great you have asked for a screen, but you also need a secure separate waiting area too.

Most family courts struggle because they aren't criminal courts. I went to several hearings and on the one time I wasn't offered a safe waiting room he attacked me in the court building!

He didn't have representation which was the end for him, because he couldn't put forward his case, he didn't understand fully the process and proceedings. He failed to put in the right paper work and his sole focus was the impact on him.

My solicitor was able to ensure that he was seen in a negative light, wrote up the court notes in my favour, ask difficult questions, ensure the judge had a full understanding of what really happened.

I think this is one corner you can't cut. Sell your car take out a loan do what you have to to be represented.

Legal aid is absolutely rubbish anyway they give you ambulance chaser solicitors who in my case made the situation worse not better (too higher case load you were a number that's it) and my free income according to the assessment was everything I earned minus rent! Apparently eating and transport are life's luxuries.

It's expensive, will take a while to pay back but it was worth every single penny to hire a good solicitor who can navigate the process to protect you and your child.

@FamilyCourt88 I'd give womens aid a call, or google local domestic abuse charities and make contact. I did it initially by email and then had phone calls. Just talking to someone about it all really helps. If you can't afford a solicitor have you thought about a Mackenzie friend?

@Drapion I disagree, the solicitor I was already using agreed to take my legal aid case so you don't necessarily get an ambulance chaser.

That's what happened to me eventually but I was assigned an ambulance chaser at first who was terrible. Few solicitors will take on a case when it's been assigned. It wasn't a straightforward process.

Whatever you do, you don't gaslight her or minimise her concerns so she doubts herself.

I'm so sorry for both of you. It feels like sending her to her abuser, not her father. Truth is, with burns and cuts, that's what it is.
If she is terrified and refuses to go, don't drag her. Who else has she got in her corner?

When my DC were going through similar (not hairdryer burns though), a judge said you can't force them but you also shouldn't be sneakily trying to aid them and abet them.

He will try to pull the parental alienation card, but fear of that still shouldn't force you to throw your daughter under a bus here.

Family court is such a mess it desperately needs sorting out. My ex was also a narcissist in a very important job that got everyone turning the other way. Until we got a very experienced judge who finally got it and made wise choices.

Hang in there. Your poor little girl is having some really hard lessons in life and so are you. Try so much to get yourself help because when you've been with a narcissist and abuser you need a lot of help to break free.

Get the book: family court without a lawyer by Lucy Reed. It's very helpful.

You need to do a SAR. Subject access request. From literally everyone who may have any info on your history. I found no one wanted to do me a statement or anything for court and by the time I got the SAR through to prove the DV was historical court was doone with the fact finding. Do the SAR now asap.

You also have to be very very careful not to lead or prime your child to make disclosures but I do feel it's important to tell them you are doing court to decide how much she sees her dad and the decision isn't yours it will be up to the judge and he will make that decision based on what mummy says what daddy says and what people like school etc have said dd has said to them. It's really difficult to get this right and you have to be very aware of your child's emotional health and the damage you can do by twisting things for them. But personally I found telling my dd I'm court ordered and have no choice has saved out relationship as she hates going is affected by it and was resenting me for not protecting her. She was too young to make any disclosures when we were at court unfortunately. But she knows now I can't stop her going and it will be her telling teachers etc what is happening that will have her believed. Thankfully our situation has improved as step mum does all childcare and ex doesn't act as he did quite so much so dd hasn't got anything serious to disclose. But I think you need to face you won't be able to stop contact and you will have to force her to go and to save your relationship with her it's fair to tell her you have to do it because court say so. Never critical of her father just say he wants to see her.

Is the DV accepted by court? If not google fact finding hearings. Ask for a fact finding on the 19th is you haven't got the DV acknowledged as fact. If nothing else it will delay the contact a bit. But you need the DV acknowledged as fact because if it isn't then decisions on contact will be made on the assumption he is a good non abusive man.

Always remember to keep child focused. Her burn and scratches happened to her so fair to raise that. Her witnessing abuse needs mentioning if that's relevant but don't flog that too much the judge won't care what you personally have been through. Family court thinks an abusive partner can be a good father. It's fucking disgusting but that's the truth. The default is kids benefit from a relationship with both parents. I had a shit tonne of evidence of what he did to me but because I couldn't prove he hurt the kids judge didn't give a shit. You will look better if you don't go on and on about how he treated you- you will be expected to separate that from child contact and be seen to be considered and responsible in terms of what is best for your DD.

Might be worth putting in your position statement that this court application coincides with child maintenance claim. Don't go in about that too much as money has nothing to do with contact as far as family court is concerned but definitely mention it as it is relevant and if you have a decent judge they will take note of that.

You absolutely need to prepare a position statement. The info you need is in the book I recommend 'family court without a lawyer'

Ask the judge how to manage the fact your dd is refusing to go. Say you can't physically manhandle her if she refuses. Briefly mention her character- is she normally compliant and cooperative? Is refusing to do as asked unusual? Ask for supervised contact on a contact centre that can build up following your child's best interests. Don't say you feel her best interests is no contact just say "child's best interests"

And I know you are right at the beginning but I will say personally I asked for no need for parents to agree Christmas/birthday contacts. I gave up 3 Christmas and multiple birthdays in a row as they fell on his weekends so that I would not have to negotiate with the controlling bastard. He gets a week in summer- any week he chooses but needs to give me notice which week and then he gets one of the half terms. He NEVER takes this additional contact but because it's in the court order it reduced his maintenance which was what he wanted. And he's shot himself in the foot because he wanted court to cow me, to put me in my place and keep me scared and controlled by him. But the reality is we have a set pattern and when he tries to duck about i can just respond we will follow the court order. That for me was worth loosing all the special dates and not seeing the kids birthday and Christmas for those 3 years. He couldn't control my life like he wanted and now we are past those years I have the closest weekend to the special dates for a while so it's evened out in that sense. But this is stuff for the final order don't worry about it now.

Check the court summons you received. It should have a date for when you need to submit your evidence? I can't remember the process but you need to submit the photos of her burn etc before the actual day. You can still bring them on the day but the judge may decide not to allow the evidence so make sure you submit it now. Even if it's past the date. You are a litigant in person- meaning you don't have a solicitor- so you should be excused getting a few things wrong. Have a google on what the process is as I think you need to send ex the evidence too you can't get away with blond siding him in the hearing he needs to be given the time to respond/prepare his arguments against your evidence.

Also consider third party handovers for when you move on from contact centre if that happens. Your fear and stress will make it worse for your child. And if anything happens a third party is believed over a mother. Also keep handover in a public place with CCTV. From my experience getting that CCTV of incidents is almost impossible and it won't be any real protection for you but he won't know that hopefully.

Contact woman's aid and ask for support. They used to have a drop in session for legal advice when I sought help from my local one. They are amazing honestly you need to do their freedom program for yourself and I can't remember the name of the course but they have one for kids it's called helping hands or something I think- but ask them what support they can offer your child. Because the reality is family court is not going to stop contact your dd is going to have to go through this and you will be court ordered to make her go. Woman's aid can help her deal with this md if she makes disclosures to them can make referrals to try protect her. Always remember you saying stuff is never given the weight a 'professional' is given so your dd needs to have adults she trusts and opportunities to make these disclosures independently. You must never tell her to make a disclosure that will bite you in the arse big time it's a fine line but you can tell her these people have a duty to protect her and the court will be told if she says stuff that makes the grown ups worried about her without telling her to say stuff.

Come back and post again after your court date. I personally found the support and advice from other women online who had been through it was all that kept me falling apart as it's fucking terrifying facing this alone without proper legal help with your child's safety at stake.

Good luck. You are strong and can do this don't be scared. A mother who protects her child can face anything. You have got it in you to do this