Family Court - HELP!

[FamilyCourt88]

I'm new on here and I've never posted before so I have no idea if I have posted in the right place, so a little help would be appreciated. I'm going through a tough time at the moment, on account of my dreadful ex-partner. We were together for 12 years and separated in 2020, up until August last year our daughter (7) went to his mum and dads house, where he moved into when we split, to spend time with him EOW.

In August 2023 she came home with a really bad hairdryer burn on her back and scratches on her face, from the same weekend at their house! They didn't let me know and I was mortified when I saw her back, she told me she asked for mummy all weekend but they didn't call me - Things didn't seem right as she had asked me several weekends before to ring her whilst she was with them as she missed me, when I did this they didn't answer...

He hasn't seen her since August 2023 and only just applied to court in January 2024 for 50/50... which has broken me, as he was never bothered about this before, not until he had to pay CSA.

Due to DV, police reported, sat on my chest so his dog could bite me... 😞the burn marks etc. - a solicitor has said he won't get that, which has helped calm the nerves a lot, I am still so very nervous for court on the 19th March

A lot more has gone on in between which I am happy to share, however my worry is, that whatever is granted, how do I force her to do something she doesn't want to do?? I have tried and encouraged until I'm blue in the face but nothing works... Since what happened with the burn and scratches she is refusing to go...

Again, I'm sorry if this has been posted in the wrong place - I'm at my witts end.

@BlackStrayCat It is horrible and all of your advice does really help, and knowing you've been through it helps a lot.

They did agree with me, you are right, and I didn't even have to say anything in the last hearing.

I have centred my statement around my DD and haven't even pushed for No Contact as I would like to see him step up, I just know he won't!

In his statement he has said that I am a terrible parent - which I'm not! and all of this coming from someone who hasn't spoken to me about DD for the last 3 years??

I hope it all goes well, I just can't stop thinking about it. I'm not eating or sleeping again and just wish it would hurry up and be over.

xxx

XH had not said even a "Happy Birthday"/Christmas etc for 2.5 years. Yet, guess what? He wanted "a normal father/daughter relationship"

But the statement he wrote about me was 100% lies: depression, alcohol abuse, filthy ways, it was HORRIFIC. I wasted so much energy and time over it. Didnt sleep.

Only for everyone to shrug and say "its normal" "its the textbook things to say"
It is also to wear you down, frighten you, to make you concentrate on defending yourself not on DD. It is a tactic. It really is.

To make you give in.

But, I can see you wont give in because you have been amazing and gone through the whole process with grace. Go you, be strong and be confident (at the time you least feel it) it is all so unfair.

Do you know who I worry for? Less "emotionally intelligent" parents (by that I sound awful, but I mean parents without the ability to face all these satements, twisted language/who are maybe vulnerable/much younger) who really maybe do need help with issues but are wonderful parents and have been so trapped and treated so poorly they just roll over and dont have the strength. Me at 25, for example, would not have coped. Me at 49 was just about ok. Just about.

@BlackStrayCat

Your EXH sounds horrendous just like mine! How do they not want to see their children?? But then take you to court!! To get control back?? He also hasn't contacted me about DD since October 2021 and made his dad sort it all! Then when she did go she told me he wasn't there!!! They are shits...

How dare he write that about you?? I just hate the thought that a judge is seeing all he's said and it isn't true!

So it really is just the norm for them to do this?? It's all the loss of control isn't it?

I appreciate that, I really do! By saying that you've made me feel stronger, like I can do this! ❤️

I know what you mean, imagine a naive younger mum going through this? I'm 36 and am just about getting through it 😔

It is all about control. Over you. DCs are their ammunition.

Make sure you let me know, we will have a virtual 🍾

I would refuse to send her. No way would I be sending my 7 yr old daughter to a house where she was coming back with signs of abuse after having experienced physical abuse from that person too. Much less encouraging her to go. Imagine how alone and powerless she feels being encouraged to go to someone’s house where that’s happening. She’s a small child she needs someone to stand up for her and be her advocate. Has she said how she got the marks? If your concern is real for her I would say your actions need to match that, not be encouraging her to go somewhere you suspect she’s being harmed. Not meant to sound accusatory at all, your heart must be breaking.. I have been through something similar but it was emotional abuse for my kids. Makes my blood boil people doing this to their own kids 🤬

@BlackStrayCat Him and his dad have lost control and they can't take it!

I will come back after the hearing and update - Keep everything crossed for me😊

@warrior2018 Thank you so much for understanding - This is why I am so concerned about the DRA. Cafcass have recommended contact, at his parents house where he is living! My DD broke down in tears and begged me not to send her!
I will not put her in danger and I am hoping I can get this across to the judges. She is also so reluctant to go. I just know they tend to side with Cafcass. From other posts I can see however that because he pissed them off once with his statement, hopefully he will do the same again this time. (it is basically the same but twice over as his dad has written one too) I am sure however that his dad is the one that has written both!
If they can pull his to shreds again it will be a wish come true because of all the hurt and upset he has put us through 😥

CAFCASS can be total scumbags tbh - I gave them evidence going back over a year of emotional abuse of my ex towards his kids and they dismissed it completely and were just parroting to me everything my ex had said, completely taken in by him. You’d think they were adept at seeing through manipulative behaviour given their jobs but they’re obviously not. The CAFCASS officer was just the mouthpiece for my abuser in my case. If she is openly saying that she doesn’t want to go, has she said this to the CAFCASS officer?

@warrior2018 I don't understand how they come to the conclusions they do! My DD said that they were all on her sad list and that she only wanted to be with Me, my Husband, Son and my parents - That they used to call me names all the time! She said she is also sad when I go to work and she goes to school because she wants to be with me all day lol bless her

They turned up to her sports day last week, which they never have before! I got stuck in traffic so was a little late and when she saw them and that I wasn't there she ran to the teacher crying, wanting me because she was scared they were going to take her.

I mean it shouldn't be like this, why will they not just respect her wishes?

If you don't mind me asking could you perhaps share what happened with your case? xxx

Just a quick message. My daughter went through all this with her disgusting ex. She did mediation before court. Mediator actually saw right through him and his nonsense. However, they went on and drew up a good agreement. I think he stuck to it for 2 lots of access then said it destroyed his mental health (idiot) so he hasn't seen my little grandson since.

Courts are used to these situations. The fact he hasn't seen her for a while will go against him.

As others have said, record everything.

It will be ok.

@Greebosmum Thank you so much for stopping by 😁I really appreciate it.

That's awful for your daughter and grandson, he was there for was seemed like 2 second and then he was off! They are just so rubbish

I don't know how they have the audacity to sit in court and believe what they've (his dad!) has written in their statement. I'm a really good mum, and everything I do is for DD and DS.

The last time he saw her was August last year, this is when re refused to go. We went to FHDRA and he wasn't even given interim arrangements until they spoke to DD. I mean surely any judge wouldn't agree to send her somewhere she doesn't want to go, with people she hasn't seen for a year and with someone that hasn't spoken to me about her since Oct 2021! xx

I left my ex last April and after moving out he was repeatedly verbally abusive towards me in front of the kids, told them things like I left him, stole from him and left him w nothing, (my kids were 5 and 8 at the time), told them their kitten (I got after moving out) is poisonous (he told them this in front of me) and encouraged them to keep secrets from me about what they were doing together as I’d be upset w him and get him into trouble and many other things. Both my kids were v distressed showed drastic changes in behaviour, my daughter who is normally happy and confident became upset with emotional outbursts saying she hated me a lot, and became withdrawn at school. My son was violent and aggressive w me and his sister and trashed my house often. I’ve had to buy 3 tv’s in the space of a year due to his violence. He would accuse me of lying all the time, wouldn’t want to be around me, telling me he hates me. I was documenting it all and have text evidence and a lot of it was in person but the CAFCASS lady said that it was a ‘genuine mistake’ about how he communicated w the kids. He manipulated her as well as he manipulated the kids. I spoke w my sons teacher about it and she all but told me to keep my mouth shut about it. I communicated my wish to move an hour away w the kids for many reasons (I posted a thread around this) and he pulled out of mediation and submitted an application for a prohibited steps order to prevent me moving, citing concerns around abduction and domestic abuse on him from me, which is when CAFCASS got involved and have said it’s not in the kids best interests to move. My final hearing for the outcome is on 18/07. My advice is if you were to pursue this would be to document everything including in retrospect if you can remember. Photos, texts, 3rd party witnesses if any. Keep doing it whatever the outcome. Try and keep emotion out of the situation in your communication with both him and the courts/CAFCASS and stick to facts as they don’t want to see that you’re just verbally bashing him bc he’s been bad to you. Focus on your daughter. Nasty people can’t keep up a facade for too long.

@warrior2018 OMFG what a horrendous ordeal you've been through - and they still pursue court? When he doesn't even care?

Is the 18th your last hearing, after that do you have your plan from the judge?

xx

My final hearing is 18/07 and it sounds like it’s basically judge led mediation. If we can’t reach a decision between us during this the judge will make the decision. I know I flounder and get flustered in these situations though so I’m considering getting a barrister to represent me to get my case across succinctly even though it’s going to cost me the earth! No money is too much when it’s yours and your kids futures on the line though.
The only thing he cares about is me not getting what I want! If he cared about the kids he wouldn’t ever have subjected them to that. He is unfortunately presenting himself as the loving father who is dedicated to his kids and wants 50/50 and they believe him. He treated my son like shit before we split up and used to hit him leaving raised bumps on his head on one occasion. He’s a pos. Being a stand up dad now though since I left!
They have to pursue the application as it either needs to be granted or not. I’m hoping I have enough evidence to convince them it’s in our best interests. Namely that I have much better career and earning prospects far in excess of his that I don’t have where I am, and can offer us a better standard of living whilst also being able to maintain sufficient contact w him. I don’t think I’m going to get anywhere in court by criticising the cafcass report too much and continuing to assert his abuse. Obviously we can emotionally abuse kids as much as we like and it’s no problem 🤷🏽‍♀️ Family court is fucked.

@warrior2018 that sounds horrendous and I really do feel for you. These men are worth nothing and I just wish family court was a lot different. A child should only have to see the other parent if they want to! They shouldn't be made to do anything!!!

This is what I'm worried about, DD is that reluctant to going that whatever is put in place I wont be able to get her out of the door, she is on her knees begging me! How can I as a mum send her out of the house this way?

It's rubbish and just another way of digging the knife that bit further

Has he got legal rep? xx

I don’t think he’s got legal rep no. He’ll have put together his own evidence and he’s probably thinking he’ll breeze through it as the cafcass report was on his side. I dunno maybe he will I’m feeling pretty despondent 🤷🏽‍♀️

@warrior2018 have Cafcass agreed to 50/50 or are they just saying they feel contact should resume slowly?

I know normally they go with Cafcass, however some judges don't - from other posts I've read on Mumsnet. What have the kids said? xx

They’ve said 50/50 should continue with the current arrangement which I’ve told them is unsustainable for me. All they’ve said is ‘he’s said he’ll help out more’ but he’s consistently refused to assist when I’ve asked him in the past. And they’ve given no indication of how he’s going to achieve this or whether it’s going to be when I need it, as his work schedule is inflexible. My harkening bearing was Tuesday and it says there needs to be a v good reason to agree the move seeing as cafcass have said it’s not in the kids best interests. Have you seen others on here that have had judge go against cafcass decision? Where are you based if I can be nosy? X

@warrior2018 So he's a let down dad but yet entitled to see them, it makes my blood boil! I'm not saying dad's shouldn't see their kids, if they are genuine... but these dads that either want control or revenge drive me insane. A mum doing the best for her kids is not in their best interests?? The mind boggles...

I have seen a couple, I think they can also go with parts of it but also go with their own - I wrote out a proposed plan as I don't agree with Cafcass so its just fingers crossed! I'm Derbyshire way... how about you? xx

Posting again - DD heartbroken at the thought of having to go, this is killing me! She has begged me not to make her go and we haven't even been to court yet for the judge to make a decision. I cannot send her like this, no mum would. I think she is going to have to speak to them on the phone and tell them she doesn't want to go as I'm so worried of the outcome and ending up in court over and over again because she is so reluctant to see them.

@FamilyCourt88 how did your hearing go? What an awful time you’re going through…and your poor daughter. Truly hope things are getting easier for you.

@warrior2018 any update with you as well?
I hope things turned out better than you expected

Just checking in OP, how is your dd doing?

Did she have contact with her “father”?

is the court process still on going, family member is going through very similar circumstances and her in-laws are being unbearable.

@HairyFeline Hi... I'm so sorry for delayed responses... thank you so much... it's so nice knowing so many people are being so supportive ❤️❤️

@HardToUnderstand thank you for coming in to post ❤️❤️ so... DD still isn't seeing him and we go for the Final Hearing in October - They didn't court order anything but asked us to try certain things which I've complied with but they aren't going well - weekly telephone call is one of them! She screams crying down the phone and won't speak to him, begging not to talk... it's horrendous... at the end of the call we are just both sat crying!

I've recorded everything and involved Cafcass again as we can't go on like this, it isn't in her best interest to make her so distressed... and they agreed! So I think she is writing back to court to ask for Contact Centres, which is what I asked for in the first place!!! Xx