Can we have a general divorce chat please?

[BirthdayRainbow]

My h moved out in July. I did not know he wouldn't be coming back but I'm fine that he hasn't. I feel like I was absolutely fine at the start as knew it was the right thing but now I'm feeling so heartbroken at what has caused this situation. I don't want him back. It's the right thing. So why am I so sad?

any advice re kids would be great. They are all over 18 but it's like he's struggling with the split that he thinks he doesn't have to be a father anymore.

My ex can’t find money for child maintenance or to even see them, finds money for solicitors.
Im wondering if he will try and claim his solicitor costs against me ? He filed Is there any reasons when the courts order that.

Hi @Princessbananahamock, In my experience men like this will do whatever they can in order to pay as little as possible. I'm doing everything I can to avoid exorbitant solicitors fees too. I've already been fleeced once by dodgy solicitors and don't want it happening again but I might if I have to. Sorry I can't be of any more help but I am in the same boat and I do understand.

@BirthdayRainbow Yes it was lovely to see people out and about on Saturday night. The place had been in the news recently and I thought it would be quiet but it was great. Even people singing sea shanties on the Quay. Felt like I was on holiday! It was healing. Hope you get your appetite back soon. Haircut should help. I have a hairdressers appointment on Saturday and I'm really looking forward to it. Feel a bit more change coming on!

Yes everyone is right about the bloke at work. Found out today he's moody too. In other news the bloke who ghosted me on POF has been back in touch.

Hope things are going well with the solicitor and sorry your ex is still being challenging. It's all very familiar behaviour to me. Mine has gone AWOL again and still no plans to make it up to DS for missing his birthday but I refuse to chase him.

I felt that my DM was only actually free after we'd sorted out the mess my F left after he died but I won't be putting up with that and recognise my mental health is better when I have as little to do with my ex as possible!

He can try and claim @Princessbananahamock but it doesn't mean he'll get it. Ask your solicitor. I'm going to suggest to my ex he pays my legal bills since it is his fault we are getting divorced and eventually he is going to be very wealthy.

I hope you are going to ignore the POF man, @Whsthappensnow ? Wasn't he the one who was really busy but could fit in a shag, just no actually dating and getting to know each other?

I spoke to my solicitor today. My h is asking for answers he has no right or need to know so he'll be getting told in no uncertain terms to back off.

Leave your ex to sulk and wallow. It's heartbreaking when your children are hurting but no child wants their parent to parent because they are told too.

@BirthdayRainbow So this is actually yet another bloke from POF but honestly the last one. He wants to take things slowly too but days between messages and excuses re photos are not good. Also his first name is same as ex's middle name and he's currently living in the tiny town in the west country where my ex went to boarding school so it crossed my mind that I'm being catfish by my ex because of my mad paranoid brain so yes I can see myself blocking and deleting thus one too because its just not worth the hassle!

Yes that's absolutely the right approach with the solicitor. I was often tempted to explain myself every time I was accused of something because I'm always determined to clear my name but you actually don't want to overcomplicate things and create more work for everyone.

It is heartbreaking what the ex is doing to the kids. They have very full and busy lives at the moment so I'm hoping they'll be OK.

How did you all reach the decision to divorce? I feel like I’ve been stuck in limbo for years. We are so unhappy and I feel we have no connection, some days I feel like I hate him, mainly for having some
crazy opinions on some things but also for trolling me in front of friends and family, loosing his temper with the kids and being unemployed and not doing enough to get a job. I just feel like fundamentally I don’t like him anymore, it’s like he’s gone from being a loving and kind man when we first met to a grumpy troll. I suspect he had depression but he refuses to see anyone about it as “doesn’t believe in therapy”.

But I am still too scared to divorce. He is, aside from too frequently loosing his temper, a good dad. He cooks all our dinners, does the majority of pick ups and drop offs (even when he works he still does that as his job is closer to home and more flexible than mine), helps them with homework, takes them to extracurriculars etc. And showers them with affection.

It’s just our relationship that’s broken down.

I don’t know how I’d manage daily life by myself- to stay in our (rental) flat I’d need to keep this job which is 9-5 and very demanding, so would be almost impossible to manage pick ups and drop offs. Don’t know how I’d manage to cook, clean, do extracurriculars etc. I’d have to change it all and do a lot less.

Also as he is currently unemployed and with no good outlook for finding employment soon, he wouldn’t be able to afford a place by himself and as he isn’t from this country he’d have to effectively leave the country, so I’d be in a way depriving the kids of their dad.

I keep wishing we could just work it out but he keeps doing shitty things to me which makes me loose my respect for him. I don’t even get why he does it. He doesn’t want to split I know that for certain, so why is he trying to push me away?

@BirthdayRainbow I don’t have a solicitor, it’s way out of my reach financially. Which surprises me he has one as according to CMS he is in receipt of state benefits so only has to pay £7pw (which of course he doesn’t).
Like others have said I feel zilch towards him, but wonder who is this person? I don’t recognise him, total personality change.
Hasn’t seen the children since August not so much as a Xmas card either. The good thing is the children could not care less.

@Goldfishonabike I didn't decide to get divorced as my ex served me for no reason other than he just decided he didn't want to be married anymore.

I had an inheritance after we split and lots of support from my parents who would have done anything to stop me from going into a refuge which was an option at one point. I also receive a bit of UC.

The system was mind blowing at the time. I'm 2 years and a failed business down the line. My ex pays his way (ish) but is very unreliable. After my business failed I had to find work and I found a new job I can fit in around children and school holidays. It's not been easy but take everything one step at a time.

I still feel like I didn't have time to process everything when it first happened. I sometimes wish I'd had more time to mope and grieve but I felt a lot of pressure to pull myself together and sort myself out.

@Princessbananahamock I don't have a solicitor either at the moment. I was thinking of doing the online. Gov divorce but in my mind even that takes up money and effort!

@BirthdayRainbow Hope things are OK with you today.

@Whsthappensnow I thought of a reply re POF man number 2 but actually have changed my mind. I think the fact you have so many reasons for thinking this might not be genuine means walking away is the right thing to do. I'm curious what his excuses are for no photos, if that's the situation. You don't have to tell me of course.

I'll never in why my ex is doing what he is re the children. I've tied myself in knots thinking if I knew why then maybe I could understand but there is no reasons on earth to make this okay so he's just a prat. My kids are incredible. He's so stupid as he's losing everything.

Hi @Goldfishonabike I am sorry you are struggling. If it has been years then you've tried for long enough. Everything in your first paragraph is enough to divorce. If you need permission Here It Is. I asked for a trial separation after he said something so unbelievably cruel I'm still not ready to post it. He left but decided we were done so I went along with it as I knew very quickly I didn't want him back. He had an affair years ago and I was scared. I didn't think I'd cope alone, I had children aged under 13 and no money, family, place to go. Plus I still loved him. Now, I've been on my own for seven months and I Love It. I'm stronger than I knew, it is easier than I expected and I've 100% done the right thing.

I know it is different when you have younger children but don't stay for them. Kids are smart and they'll know things aren't right. Your job is to model good relationships and how to deal with conflict in a healthy way. Him trolling you in front of friends and family is abusive. To you and the children.

The things you say about him cooking dinner etc don't make him a good dad. I told my daughter how he'd do all baths, story and bed while I fed the latest baby and she said no, that's the minimum he could be doing. It's not special. What yours does is not special and it's all worthless because of the bad stuff he brings to you and your children.

You can't change him and you can't force him into therapy or do anything but what you can change is how you react. When he trolls you say no, that is nor acceptable to speak to me like that. Why are you?

You would manage because you have to. You have a super power because you are a mother. We can do it all and we do and we will. You get one life. It is too long to waste it with someone who doesn't bring enough to the relationship. He isn't bringing enough. Talk to him. Lay it straight. Tell him he has three months to change and tell him what the consequences will be if he doesn't. Please don't sacrifice any more of your life for someone who is not worthy of you.

It is up to him to find a job. There are jobs. He could. He choosing not to. If he has to leave then that is on him. Not you. You are not depriving the children of a father. He is by not doing enough to stay with you, with them, in the country. My husband has seemed to have forgotten how he used to parent but that isn't my fault. It is all on him.

He is trying to push you away because he resents you. He sees you winning at life. You have a job. Your kids love you. You are getting on with it all. You're better than him and he doesn't like it. Well tough.

Filling for divorce on line is just under £600. You don't have to. You can split. But you need a solicitor for the financial order which you will all need. I'm not denying it isn't expensive as it is but I'd be coming away with a lot less without mine.

I hope some of that helps. I went on a bit..

@Princessbananahamock you need to report him for not paying his £7 and if he's lying about how little he has then report him for that too.

@Princessbananahamock @Goldfishonabike Just wanted to let you know that this isn't a dating thread either it's just that I recently decided that I was in the right place to start dating again. Dipped my toe in the water and then very swiftly removed it again!

In answer to your question @BirthdayRainbow POF man 2, I asked him if he was on social media and he said yes but his pics on there were as out of date as his POF Profile. So I left it a bit and then randomly asked him to see a picture and he just swerved the question. Literally like me going 'did you find a pic then?' And him going 'anyway,how was your day?' But its now been over 24 hours since last message and I won't be messaging him again. This is ridiculous.

I think they are actually all a bit crap. I don't know how I thought I might be able to find myself a decent one.

Also back to the maintenance payment thing. My experience is thar a lot of single dads know how to work the system and will do whatever they can to avoid payment. If yours isn't paying the 7 quid you do need to report it.

I don't have a formal arrangement with my ex but he does pay me more than what the CSA suggest he should. A few people have told me he's lying about his earnings but I don't question it because it seems enough and I don't have the time or energy to work it all out properly but I'm getting a lot more than 7 quid!

@BirthdayRainbow thanks for taking the time to write such a thoughtful response l. I know you’re right. But I guess part of me still loves him, and I’m just so scared of the consequences of divorce. It feels like this massive step I just can’t seem to fathom the courage to take 😢

@Whsthappensnow lol that’s fine! There’s room for everyone and good on you for daring to date again (even if the experience was less than great..)

@Goldfishonabike I understand, I really do. I stayed after he had an affair for so many reasons but one was I still loved him. It is hard to walk away from someone when you do feel that way. I'd be interested to talk to you about your part of you that still loves him. The whole of you needs to love him, and he you, for this to work. Love, please believe me when I say you have got this. You will be okay. You'll make a decision and you will be okay but if you want to stay then you have to talk to him. You can't make this work on your own.

Divorce is not easy. It is up there with the stress of a death and a moving house. I know ima, doing the right thing but I've been affected. I'm seven months in and still can only eat one meal a day. It's hard and it is exhausting but I am free and away from a man who was never worthy.

Maybe it would help to talk about what consequences you think there will be?

I know it feels like a massive step but it really isn't. It is just a decision and it is one that the thought of making it is harder than the reality. I suggest you make some preparations, financial is the main one so that you can get an idea as to what life would be like after divorce.

@Goldfishonabike I agree with everything @BirthdayRainbow says although I actually think divorce can be worse because it's enforced.

I've adapted to my new circumstances in the end but getting here was painful and it certainly wasn't where I saw myself at this stage of my life and there's moments when I thought I wouldn't get here at all but I've hit big achievements along the way and some of them have almost made the pain worthwhile.

I was made to feel worthless and then I found it hard to get a job. I was getting knocked back for minimum wage retail jobs and I just kept going. But I was scared the constant rejection was going to do some serious damage to my mental health. I got some terrible advice from so called friends too so be careful with that.

I was also worried about my DC missing out and I tried very hard to have a civil relationship with my ex. I took him on holiday with us but he was back to his old ways and I realised we can't even be Friends and actually I could have done a foreign holiday without him. So, last summer I took the DC on a cruise I'd never been on one before and we travelled to a country I knew nothing about. The sense of achievement after that was immense.

If it's early stages you will feel like you can't but my experience is you just do. I screw up all the time. I can't manage after school activities and work schedule. Today I got tge day of the school disco wrong. Dd went to choir and I had to put DS in wraparound care until she was done which he hates so it was happy meals for tea because we were in so late!

My mum helps me with washing and cleaning sometimes even though I don't ask. I've got more used to cutting corners and accepting help.

My foray into dating again I'm not sure is necessarily about wanting to find another man. I haven't had any therapy although I appreciate some here have benefited from it but, I think it's a self care confidence boost thing. I had a crisis of confidence/imposter syndrome thing in my new job but I found making more of an effort with my appearance helped my confidence. Then I met a man I liked and although it ended in a very short fling and he wasn't the one it was good to know That side of me is still alive. I thought I was broken and that I'd be traumatised by a new partner but it was fine.

Don't underestimate yourself, take it slowly and remember things will be different, not always easier but you can do it.

I have zero love for my ex now. I don't even have good memories. It's all about moving on for me.

👏👏👏👏👏@Whsthappensnow That is so good to read!

You are doing so well. We all are.

I have therapy as I tried to end my life. I had to do something as knew I'd try again and did not want, could not, would not let my h take me away from my children. It's not for everyone and that is fine but if anyone does think they would like to try, get the right kind and don't be afraid to ask for someone different if you don't gel with them.

@Whsthappensnow sounds like you’re doing amazing considering your circumstances, you should be proud of yourself ❤️ sure kids are happy they love McDonald’s! So don’t beat yourself up.

@BirthdayRainbow so sorry to hear you haven’t been feeling well. Hope the therapy helps, good on you for getting help. Some days can feel so hard, be kind to yourself and give yourself some little treats now and then!

I’m in such a bad mood because I’m at this stage right now where I’m just so angry at my partner that every little thing he does bugs me pretty much. I feel like his general approach to the world is one of aggression, and it’s really stressing me out. This morning he came back home after dropping the youngest off at school (I was waiting for him to come back before heading out as our oldest is off ill today and of course he will look after her as he’s not working at the moment) and he rang the buzzer from downstairs as he forgot his keys, and I pressed the button to let him in and for some reason the door didn’t open and then he rang again and I said I am
pressing it and he immediately took on this very angry tone and said “it’s not opening!” And shook the door very hard. I know it sounds like a small thing, but it’s just his reaction to everything. If something falls down from the table he swears angrily, same thing in traffic always cursing other drivers and Im always reminding him that’s it’s only the kids and me who can hear him and he’s just stressing us out and then he goes “people don’t know how to drive in this country” etc. He’s constantly complaining about things and sees everything from a negative angle and like he’s the victim. It’s exhausting and so depressing. Even when something nice happens he doesn’t really express joy, it’s like he doesn’t know how to? Like we had a really nice break for half term two weeks ago (I’m in a European country not the UK so different half-term schedule) and while we were there he didn’t seem that happy, just a bit quiet, less aggressive than usual but not happy. I genuinely thought he didn’t enjoy himself but when we got home he said he loved the place and the the trip. I believe him, I just think he’s so down he doesn’t know how to even express joy or perhaps even fully feel it. When he’s home, and I’m in a room I’m often secretly praying please don’t come into this room! I just don’t want his presence. Yet, if he’s delayed coming home from somewhere or I fear a real threat to him (he was ill last year for example) I feel a huge overwhelming fear of loosing him, almost like I wouldn’t know how to get by without him. Yet I feel a strong dislike for him most of the time when he’s around . I feel so confused. All I know is I’ve been contemplating divorce for at least two years now and that is a long time. Also just to note to be fair to him, he’s only been unemployed for 5 months, so not the longest time, and he has a very specialized skill and his industry is currently in crisis with a lot of unemployment and he doesn’t speak the language of the country we live in, so it’s not that simple for him to find a job. Im
sure that’s contributing to his depression. I just get impatient and annoyed with him because we are still renting and I really wanted to finally have a mortgage and now we can’t due to his unemployment, we’re in a small 2-bed room flat and the kids are sharing a room at 7 and 9 years old and this room is also his home office, the kitchen is tiny and I often feel stressed out because there just isn’t space enough. I’m trying to remind myself lots of people are in worse situations and be stoic about it, but some days it’s hard and I contemplate if things would be better if we split.

@Goldfishonabike Thanks for your comments. Just realised we have a bit in common from your last post. Our DC are the same age and I was living in EU and unemployed when we separated. Would there be an option to come to the UK? I got fleeced by a foreign solicitor. Please remember our legal system is better than almost everywhere else.

Just reading that got me down @Goldfishonabike so I can imagine how you are feeling. If he is depressed that is awful but if he won't go to the doctor and ask for help he does not get to take it out on you and the children. For them, being in the car when daddy is shouting is not acceptable. It's going to be scary for them. If you feel unable to leave for you, then leave for them. It is absolutely the right thing to do. It will be difficult, it will be hard, it will be scary but is your life now easy, enjoyable and fun?

@Whsthappensnow I'm in a Nordic country so the legal system here is great, better even than the UK, so that’s thankfully not a worry. Only costs GBP 400 to get a divorce and you get it with a click online pretty much…as we don’t have any joint assets other than an old car and a joint saving account, I’m not worried about the financial side of a divorce, or at least not the sharing things side. I’m worried about managing financially on my own, because although he’s unemployed now he wasn’t before and hopefully he will find employment again, plus he is receiving unemployment benefits which help too, and take care of some tasks I may have to outsource and pay for if he wasn’t around..

@BirthdayRainbow thanks for your empathy, that makes me feel better! I think the problem for me is that it never seems quite bad ENOUGH, it’s like every time I’m on the bring of seriously asking him for a divorce he behaves better for a while with no outbursts and negativity etc., and then I keep thinking maybe things will get better and that staying together is for the best. But then something negative happens again and we’re back to square one. I just don’t know how to get out of this rut. I will keep reading on this thread and maybe some comments will help me.

@Goldfishonabike I wish I could come round to you with cake and give you a big hug.

It IS bad enough because you're thinking about divorce, it's making you miserable and it is damaging your children.

You WILL manage financially as you are managing just on your money now, even if you are using joint savings sometimes. One thing I'm doing is if there is money left at the end of the month I am buying supermarket gift cards so I will always be able to get shopping and it doesn't get swallowed up and missed.

It gets better for a while because he senses the CHANGE in you and knows he had better behave for a bit otherwise he will be out. He is gas lighting you and taking you for a fool. He is also using you I am sorry to say. I'm not saying this to make you feel rubbish, and if you decide to stay I will support you to make it better for you and the children, but to encourage you to trust in yourself, believe in yourself and accept it is enough to leave. It is bad enough.

Hi@Goldfishonabike it's a good thing you're somewhere like that. As I found out there are some parts of Europe that don't have a lower cost no fault divorce yet so that did cross my mind and I'm glad it will be a smoother process for you if you do go down that route.

I'll bring cake too!

@BirthdayRainbow has really helped me as I still do sometimes struggle with feeling guilty or perhaps pity for my ex and his circumstances. We didn't have shared assets either. We lived in his parent's investment property free of charge and I never had access to any of his accounts (which I now know as financial abuse) but it certainly makes divorce easier. Anyway we have to remember how badly we've been treated. They chose to carry on like this and not consider the consequences. I was trying to be considerate at first but now I just think they made thier bed and they have to lie in it!

I had a bad day today. Training at work over-ran. My parents are ill and couldn't help and I had to put my DC in after school club. It was a massive stretch to chase across town before the club closed. I still haven't heard from ex about when he wants to see them so I called him to see if he could help tonight and he ignored my call.

Both DC had tantrums and I told them I'm sick of making excuses for him.

I am so glad I have helped you @Whsthappensnow , especially as I am being quite firm at times. I'm trying to empower you, support you and encourage you but if you make different choices I will still support you.

Please try and stop feeling pity etc for him. He's brought this on himself. I know my ex is struggling with the split but the way he is with the children means I lost sympathy very quickly. They really are the ones who don't deserve this.

If you are near me I would help with the children as well. I have had three of my own as well as previously working as a nanny but I know some posters would say you don't know who anyone is. FWIW I've been on here for over 18 years.

I am sorry you have had a tough day at work. Would it be possible to explain before the next training session that you were nearly late for collecting the children because a previous session over ran and is it possible to do future ones in the morning, or schedule an early finish? Or you leave.

Absolutely assume you can't rely on your ex anymore but I am confused by the correlation between your child having a tantrum and you telling them you're done making excuses for their dad.

@BirthdayRainbow I think I'm learning the hard way that I really don't need to consider his feelings!

So the kid's tantrums were just that they were tired and cross at being in wraparound care again that's when I told them I'd tried to get their dad to pick them up but he didn't answer. I calmed them down when we got home. I didn't word that well. Head all over the place.

Training today started late because the Senior Leadership team decided to have another meeting about a forthcoming event before the training. Hopefully the next and final session will run on time. Anyway they now know my kid's wraparound care closes at 6.

Thanks for the offer. I'm in the SW so probably not close but I've since had my DM (who said it was only a cold she would have managed) and a couple of friends offer to help. To be honest though, I've had enough of training and can't wait for it to end. It was a sort of self defence thing today and it was both physical and tedious!

Just been trying to catch up on the messages. Well I have asked for a solution to the unpaid child maintenance guess what radio silence. However, the same day I had a snotty letter from his solicitors that the 1st lot of paperwork to start proceedings would be arriving (wonder how much that letter cost). Well paperwork from courts arrived Monday lunchtime and were very promptly filled out online to make it quicker! From the time the post landed until completion was approximately 20mins. It felt great! I felt nothing either.

I don’t like the radio silence towards the children, he is able to contact them direct. It feels like because the children are an extension of me they are undeserving of his attention’. What a tosser!

Little bit of background info he left as he was unhappy, yes he was having an affair. I discovered this by chance 2 days after he went to stay with family to sort his head out. The messages were on a iPad he had given to one of the kids to play on and the messages were left open and lucky for me the kids hadn’t read them. I went from ballistic to just total mess , and cut a long story short ending in hospital in the space of two days. Had therapy which was great, it took me a long time to process the grief aspect but I got there two steps forward one back. Every time I would do something make an achievement he would knock me back down a step but I carried on climbing. I can’t remember any happy memories apart from birth of children. I think my brain has subconsciously blocked it to prevent trauma. Still get anxiety attacks when he contacts or visits but as he hasn’t bothered it’s been good mentally for me. Which brings me to the place I am know just peace and uplifted. I still feel very alone at times when situations arise where you need the support of the other parent. I have to be in a good place because I am all the children have, not even his family have contacted the kids over the years.

This whole shitshow has been going on for years. I gave him divorce paperwork to file for divorce before lockdown. I said to him I’ve filed out my bits that you need and everything else is self explanatory, just pay the fee. He couldn’t manage that obviously his PA (me) would no longer sort his shit out for him. This man had a well paying job, company car and a lovely flat. He expects others to do his bidding, he so loved to delegate oh my god he was a wanker.

That felt good writing it down. I haven’t anyone to talk to irl I have a small number of family and a friend but they have had a rough time lately.

@Whsthappensnow it sounds like you answered the children well. You acknowledge they didn't want to go to after school club, you explained you tired another option and were truthful.

Good that work has been sorted.

I am in the SE.

@Princessbananahamock you are doing really well. I'm sorry your ex had an affair and you were poorly. Mine also did years ago and I still carry health consequences of it. I'm divorcing him now but not for the affair. I think we hurt so much because we cared so much and it is hard to see when they just fuck off without a backward glance. See it as their failing, they maybe didn't care much hence the fucking off but were too pathetic to do anything about it.

Regarding your friends, they might have their own difficulties but it doesn't mean they wouldn't want to support you. I know it helps me as it takes my mind off my stuff and makes me feel useful.