Can we have a general divorce chat please?

[BirthdayRainbow]

My h moved out in July. I did not know he wouldn't be coming back but I'm fine that he hasn't. I feel like I was absolutely fine at the start as knew it was the right thing but now I'm feeling so heartbroken at what has caused this situation. I don't want him back. It's the right thing. So why am I so sad?

any advice re kids would be great. They are all over 18 but it's like he's struggling with the split that he thinks he doesn't have to be a father anymore.

@BirthdayRainbow It did cross my mind that I wonder if he's bumped into gossipy mum again and punishing me for it but he really needs to stop that. And I won't apologise for my behaviour and its not fair him taking anything out on the DC. It makes me so angry that we're all suffering from this rubbish!

Yes re work although I'm not even on the schedule today which means floating around the entire school which isn't great.

I'm from the SE originally (Surrey) but came here to be near my parents and have a fresh start. (South Devon) its a great place for the kids.

@Princessbananahamock yes friends can be invaluable. I've had good advice and bad and not all supportive if I'm honest but you don't know until you try. If you want to talk to people about it just open the communication and see how it goes if you're getting nothing back from them they're not the person but you can see we're here for each other and all experiencing exactly the same things.

If you're not saying anything to gossipy mum anymore @Whsthappensnow then he has nothing to punish you for, unless he's annoyed she has no gossip for him. I would be keeping a diary of all the things he says and does that are detrimental to the children. I was doing that even though my kids are 18+ then stopped as it was so depressing how long the list was. Now I add things if it is particularly bad or new.

I'm moving back home. It is where my friends are as I don't have any family. The only blood relative who bothered with me died last month.

I now need cake. I now understand why h hasn't been over to do jobs in the house today. I've received his questions from the solicitor. Can I please just swear?

Fucking bollocks
Pig
Knob head
Complete shit

I have never hated anyone as much as I hate him and believe me there is stiff competition.

Everything I did for him and he's treating me like I broke our vows, shit all over him, lied to him, used him and walked away from his children.

God I hate him.

Apologies for language and being like this. I'm tearful tbh.

@BirthdayRainbow Sorry to hear that. Sending cake and whatever else will make you feel better your way.

I think we've all been there. I don't have any answers but I know I've felt the same.

I think I'm just over loaded at the moment. Saw a friend at pick-up. Mentioned that ex is ignoring me and the kids she said 'aren't you worried about him?

Inside I was thinking F* No!

But instead I said 'well maybe I could get someone to check in on him'

Honestly they have no idea of the absolute carnage they cause

I understand why you said that but I'd be tempted to say, he's a grown man and I am not responsible for him.

thank you for cake. I'm having a liqueur and have just eaten two crème eggs.

@BirthdayRainbow That sounds great. I've got a bit of a headache so I think my treat to myself today is going to be a very early night.

I can't even face booze or chocolate.

And that would have been a better response by the way. I really do still need to work on my assertiveness don't I!

drinking because you are fed up is not to be recommended

Don't copy me

Actually @BirthdayRainbow I had got into a habit of pouring myself a large glass of wine every night. I drank more than normal over the weekend and decided it was perhaps getting a bit out of hand so I thought I'd see how long I could go without it. I haven't had any alcohol since Sunday! Although I can't say I feel any better for it!

But I have my first girls night out in about a decade on Saturday. I don't want to over-do it but I do know my limits!

In other news ex has paid 100 quid less maintenance than normal with no explanation. What an arse!

No explanation needed. It's obvious he's doing it to punish you over the party. I didn't get my housekeeping today either.

@BirthdayRainbow My DM reckons they've all (men) gone mad because of the recent full moon but yeah I reckon I'm being punished.

Note it and don't forget it. You could send a message referencing it. Depends what is more important to you. I've decided the next time my ex messages to say he's coming over I'm saying no he isn't.

Hi@BirthdayRainbow Hope you and everyone else are doing OK today. Yes I've logged the non-payment from ex but I don't think I'll contact him just yet.

I've had a really bad day at work. I was verbally abused and disrespected by a student who was disregulating. Our procedure is usually to swap out with another member of staff but the teacher in charge refused. I had developed a really thick skin but it broke me today and I got really upset.

Ex was supposed to take DC away and I made plans to get my hair done and go out with a friend tomorrow night so my parents agreed to take the DC for the weekend anyway so I can do the self care thing tonight and enjoy tomorrow.

@Whsthappensnow I think leave it, as I am. If there's a third time of him not giving me mine I'll be sending a message. I did tell my solicitor though.

I am really sorry you had such a bad day at work. I hope you have reported the teacher who wouldn't swap with you. If they refused and it is protocol then it needs addressing.

I am glad you are having your night to yourself and are going out tomorrow. I went out today and bought some new trainers, some crisps and a treat snack from M&S. In a few weeks I might be going to have dinner with someone really special and important. I can't wait.

My daughter has a problem with her room and she has messaged H to tell him she has to move. He's read it and not replied 😡, he's not messaged one of my sons for a week nor the other one since Monday. I'm so disgusted with him.

@BirthdayRainbow I think that's the right way to play it with the ex. I honestly think any communication between me and him is pointless and completely futile.

So in the past I've let things go at work. Usually this teacher fights my corner but he's been lazy lately and has fallen out with some other staff. After it happened I didn't go back to the classroom I went straight to the staffroom to pull myself together and write a report straight away and I've already been to the senior leadership team with it.

That sounds great treating yourself. I wish we had an M&S nearby! We do have a very lovely independent department store and I walked through on my way home but literally nothing caught my eye!

Oh, who's the dinner with? That does sound interesting!

Gosh they really are awful aren't they. I was talking to my DM about this earlier she just says it's now up to us to fill in the gaps from having such a useless dad. I'm not sure how I feel about that but I suppose she has a point. I hope yours gets in touch with your DC soon.

None of the kids are bothered whether he gets in touch now so there's no hoping. My kids have said I don't need to make anything up for their non dad's actions. They say I'm enough and it's not my job. You should do the same. I can tell you're more than enough.

I'm blushing at the thought of the dinner. I think that tells you.☺️

@BirthdayRainbow Yes I think I'd rather be enough than have to fill in the gaps. I know I'm doing my best and doing a good job I'm just finding life in general quite difficult and I'm running out of energy from having to rise above everything all the time.

Oh at least you have something to look forward to. Was this the one you were going to stay away from?

Your kids see all you do. They know you are the one there for them when they are hungry, tired, sad and forget their PE kits. They know it's you they can rely on.

DD just messaged. H still not messaged her. Must be out with all his new friends 🙄

I'd never be able to stay away from him. We will have dinner.

@BirthdayRainbow Yes that is true. And if they don't see it now then they will.

I hope your Dd does get a response from your ex.

Dinner sounds great. Excellent you have something to look forward to. I do know that feeling you can't fight it.

I've still been getting messages from POF guy who won't send me a photo. It's a tough one, I like that he checks in on me every day. Sometimes the messages are funny. They're never creepy or pushy. He seems warm and kind but I'm feeling its not progressing. But I might have a way of getting a photo out of him soon I think. If I like the look of him then I'll figure out if I want to meet him or give up on it!

My DD doesn't care. I told her something he'd said years ago and she said she doesn't care. It was very hurtful but I think she doesn't care because she is done with him. He has already done more than enough for them all to give up contact with them. I keep thinking about whether to have a word with his mother but she is such a wet lettuce I doubt she'd say anything productive to me never mind him.

Your feelings towards the POF bloke concern me. You are enjoying validation from someone who is being dishonest or disingenuous. You've asked for a photo and he won't send one. There's a reason for that. However, in future, looks shouldn't be the defining decision making marker. People's personality, manners, respect and kindness are far more important. When h and I met there wasn't an initial attraction for me but he was very nice to me. Looking at the photo I took of our second date I think he looks cute. The longer we were together the more handsome I felt he got. Because I loved him. Now if I see his photo on WA I feel repulsion. Because I despise him. My point is, don't dismiss someone because initially you might not think pwoargh when you first see him. You might be missing out on the love of your life. As for it not progressing, ask him to meet for an afternoon drink.

@BirthdayRainbow That's good about your Dd. I don't get on at all with my ex's parents as I felt they orchestrated the divorce. My DM maintains that we should keep channels of communication open so she's in touch with my ex MIL. Apparently exH has had no contact with parents since Xmas.

So, I'll admit my attraction to the bloke round the corner was entirely physical. Probably more than I've ever felt before. And I have now dismissed it but this other guy it's not just the photo thing. He also wasn't honest about his location or his age. He justified it by saying his profile was 5 years out of date and that he used to live here, doesn't anymore and is moving back. Part of me is wary part of me says everyone deserves a chance and what if he is the one.

Yes I'm going to do the afternoon drink thing I think as soon as I'm done with work training. 1 more session left!

@Whsthappensnow I felt the same when my ex walked out, his family weren’t surprised. Didn’t have any messages offering support or asking how the children were coping. I learnt that the outlaws love drama and are very two faced. One example was telling me on social media to sort my shit out, get over it. They seem to love putting each other down! It’s a very toxic family if I’m honest. Golden child, golden grandchild syndrome.

I used to be the better person and encouraged a relationship by travelling with kids to meet up with them, I found they just do it for image reasons. So I stopped, outlaws haven’t seen them since before 2019. No cards at Christmas from them or even birthday

@BirthdayRainbow my children have been vocal about their father. Youngest says he doesn’t have a dad. Eldest chats to her friends about him she would not want him here if she had friends round as to quote her “he is embarrassing “ and “I’ve told them all about him” she has friends who had similar family breakups so it’s good she can chat to them and know she isn’t alone.

No matter how you try to shield them they can see it for themselves. It makes me angry that when he eventually will show his face he will expect them to be happy at his appearance. They never are, he let them down so many times.

I did catch up with my friend, she was totally shocked he hasn’t been in touch. It felt good to have a natter.

Good news my youngest got his choice of secondary school.

Radio silence still towards children. However, I’m having fish and chips from the shop this evening! I can almost taste them now. I have decided to upgrade my car and have seen a couple I like.

@Whsthappensnow hi! DD not heard from h. When h has an affair his mum talked to me and wrote to me and was very kind and reassuring. I can't help feeling now she did that to keep us together and now she knows we are done she isn't interested. When I said to her she obviously didn't want to talk about it she said she don't know what to say.

There is nothing wrong with fancying someone. I was more concerned that you were wanting validation from someone who wasn't looking good from the start, in terms of honesty and reliability. Apologies if I got the wrong idea.

@Princessbananahamock my children are absolutely making their own decisions re H. I refuse to say father where possible and when talking to them I use his name. I know I've said a couple of things I probably shouldn't have but DD is adamant she want to know everything. My eldest still doesn't know that happened years ago and why we are getting divorced now. My children all have friends they are discussing it with. I get reports back that I'm a strong mum and person which is lovely.

Great news your son got the school he wanted. I remember the trauma of that.

Enjoy your fish and chips! I'm still struggling with eating but I will have something later.

@Princessbananahamock Outlaws have strange attitude towards my DC. They remember birthdays and write frequently and like being kept up to date with everything but make no contribution to anything. No presents. They keep saying they'll spoil them when they see them but then don't visit. They're paying for them to visit in the summer (they live abroad) but I'm iffy about it.

I'm glad you've caught up with friends and have nice food and car shopping to look forward to! And excellent news about the school. I'm not far off that I reckon but it must be a relief.

Interesting about DC talking to friends. I wonder if mine do?

@BirthdayRainbow Yes I won't be so superficial in the future. Even the nice looking bloke at work who I thought had my back turned out to be a prick! Lol! But this other one I'm just finding it wierd messaging someone every day knowing that I wouldn't recognise him if I fell over him! But I probably need a break before I jump into anything. Even twentysomething hipster hairdresser told me that this morning!

Hope you do get to eat something nice later and are doing some nice things for yourself.

I've just spent 3.5 hours in the hairdressers. Very expensive but lovely new do. Although they suggested a 'money piece' as well as highlights I thought I'm a bit past that at my age surely but I quite like it!

I've not been eating very well this week either because it's been busy and stressful but I just got a pasty as big as my face from the bakery on the way home from the hairdressers!

@Whsthappensnow please don't feel I was being critical. I wasn't. I just feel protective of you. The man I'm having dinner with, maybe, in a few weeks has always been utterly gorgeous and still is. Just don't be blinded by chemistry and good looks if the behaviour isn't good enough.

What is a money piece? My oldest friend cut my hair last week and I coloured it myself a few days ago. I'm blonde but want pink or blue ends.

Gold star for massive pasty! I've not eaten more than one meal a day since H left. TBH it is a problem.

Do the children know about the holiday? I'd be careful about managing their expectations and well being if your in laws are not reliable. Also, if they barely know the kids you don't have to send them.., they could get to know them in a more realistic environment.