Can we have a general divorce chat please?

[BirthdayRainbow]

My h moved out in July. I did not know he wouldn't be coming back but I'm fine that he hasn't. I feel like I was absolutely fine at the start as knew it was the right thing but now I'm feeling so heartbroken at what has caused this situation. I don't want him back. It's the right thing. So why am I so sad?

any advice re kids would be great. They are all over 18 but it's like he's struggling with the split that he thinks he doesn't have to be a father anymore.

Nooooo. Please tell me you don't mean you have told him you had sex with someone else?! Ah reread and you said almost. Phew. Ok, just in case. You are separated. What you do now is none of his business. You owe him no explanations, don't need his permission or approval. And I don't need any scares like that!!

They always think they pay too much. They rarely pay the odd quid here and there for nine uniform day, don't pay for new shoes every two months, or haircuts or a new pencil case. They don't see all the small amounts that actually mount up to a lot so think kids don't cost much. He is an adult. You are not his mother. If he doesn't have enough money then he has to get another job. It isn't for his children to go without or for you to cough up. He pays maintenance then half for extras like school trips. Don't wait for him to offer as it isn't coming. Tell him it costs X for his half.

Re saying no the kids. Kids thrive with security and routine and that comes from discipline and knowing that mum is in charge and has her shit together. Give into them too easily and they feel wobbly. You have to say no to enable them to feel solid, secure, loved and learn how to behave in the real grown up world.

40 miles isn't great but isn't too bad. Let's face it, the kids won't have to do it for long. He'll soon stop. Prepare yourself for being a true single mum but do all you can to support the, having a relationship with him and stop facilitating his relationship with them. That is his job.

@BirthdayRainbow Don't panic! So my ex and I had a lot of problems in the bedroom. I put it down to his porn addiction. Ex thought I had problems and was constantly hassling me to see a doctor because of it. Sex was an ordeal and often I would carry on for hours to try and please him to no avail. I was also worried any other future sexual encounter was going to result in some kind of emotional trauma for me. So to have 'normal'sober sex with someone I fancied the pants off with no emotional issues is such an achievement I wanted to shout it from the rooftops! (Despite him being an arsehole too!) I wanted to say to my ex See I wasn't broken it was all you!

Yes you've been helpful in reminding me about the finances. I'm not great at admin and I've realised this month costs have been through the roof, half term, haircuts,residential equipment and birthday party! I feel an itemised invoice coming up!

I think you're right about the kids I just don't ever want to be accused of not letting him see them. Also I probably could do the proper single mum thing it's not far off what I'm doing now I was just wondering how that would actually look logistically. It's 40 miles yes but I don't run a car and it's 1.5 hours by train.

Any news your end?

Hi @Whsthappensnow He won't care that you've had normal lovely sex. He will be see, you're such a X. Why would you tell me that? He'll deflect and it will serve no good purpose. Don't tell him. Practice not telling him!

My ex was moaning so for a while month I wrote down every penny I spent to prove all I was buying was food for me, food for whatever child was here, food for the animals and petrol for the car. No lunches out. No clothes. No shoes, etc etc.

So what if he accuses you of not letting him see them. You're not stopping him, you are just saying he can't see them in your house. Stop facilitating his parenting. It's not helping anyone. Don't be worrying about the train. He will have to come and get them and bring them back.

Today I saw my solicitor. My daughter surprised me and came home yesterday. She REALLY didn't want to see h so I told him not to come today. He's been coming to do DIY around the house. Solicitor not happy at h turning up unannounced, let's himself in if I'm not here. He comes at a time when he expects me to be out with the dog but in reality I've not been dressed as I'm not sleeping well. I do not like letting him in when I'm in my pyjamas. H also threatened to move back in at the end of February if it wasn't all sorted. Solicitor going to write to his solicitor and say he's moved out, it's not appropriate and if he doesn't stop we'll look into getting an injunction. Realistically it's going to take a year to resolve and I can't put the house on the market next month as expected. In good news, my oldest friend is coming to stay in a couple of days for a few days.

@BirthdayRainbow Hopefully it will be old news by the time I see my ex again and I would have forgotten all about it! But yes it's a good idea to practice not telling him. And yes that's absolutely how he'd see it anyway.

I could write everything down but he knows I am quite extravagant in a couple of areas. I have booked 2 very expensive holidays for this year and next year to have something to look forward to and have had new hair colour which is expensive to maintain but because I'm a bit overweight hair and makeup also make me feel good about myself so don't want him to see stuff like that really! Heard from mutual friends my holiday bookings hit him hard! I see these things as self care!

Yes you do have a point and I have a habit of overthinking. Probably won't happen. He's not even handed his notice in yet.

That was a good idea for you to change the visit so your daughter didn't see him. You were right to make sure she enjoys her stay as much as possible solicitors sound productive. That would make me uncomfortable. It's that thing about being deliberately inconvenient. Hope you don't need an injunction.

Excellent news about your friend. What do you have planned?

Why does he know about the holidays? You don't have to justify your spending. And it hit him hard? Diddums. What a prat.

My friend is going to cut my hair, help me work out what I should keep and not bother taking, have some trips out on her own and some together and just lots of chatting. She'll help me eat as I've barely eaten since h left.

@BirthdayRainbow So, there's a school mum I thought was my friend. She, like a lot of women round here have a strange attitude that you do what you can to keep a man regardless of what he's done. For a while I felt like I had to explain myself to her. Anyway she lives near my ex's house-share, often bumps into him in the corner shop and gives him updates about what I've been up to. Since I found this out I've stopped telling her anything and I didn't even have a proper conversation with her at DS's party.

That sounds perfect with your friend. Even if you can start to enjoy your food again you will start feeling better.

I 100% understand why you would feel the need to explain yourself to others. I always used to do that and I know the reason why. Do you know why you do it? What I can tell you is it is so freeing, empowering, strength giving and amazing once you realise you only have to answer and explain things to yourself. As long as you are truthful with your children I really don't feel we owe anyone, especially not your ex or so called friends, anything. I'd be cutting her iff completely. No more party invites, coffee, chats, not even an hello. Why on earth she thinks she should report back to him I can only imagine.

I feel bad as haven't walked the dog yet. It was too rainy when I'd normally go, she hates her coat, doesn't like being showered and so I decided to crack on with getting the house ready before my therapy at 10 then I'll take her out later. She will be okay, currently sleeping in her bed, as she hasn't done the usual asking when she thinks I am getting ready or she decides it is time.

What are you doing today ?

Hi again @BirthdayRainbow the thing is I want to be an open book and not have to feel like I'm treading on egg shells all the time but I get that there's power in holding your cards close to your chest. This one did think it works the other way too and likes to tell me what my ex is up to. Eg. He propositioned another mum at DD's birthday party last year and she felt the need to tell me! I just said oh, he can do what he likes but I was genuinely thinking I wish she'd said yes and got him off my case lol! Anyway, I agree about her she's just not a good egg. Keeps talking about a night out and I keep saying no I can't get anyone to look after the DC.

Yeah don't force the dog in this weather. It's hideous here too. I've still got lots of training to do but we are very short staffed so I'm covering in some classes too.

I hope your therapy goes well and you can get out with the dog later.

Why do you want to be an open book? There's merit in being honest but no merit in telling him or anyone things that they don't have a right or need to know or that they can hold against you. The stirring mum, when she says anything ask her, why are you telling me this? Not in a way that makes her think you're upset or she's getting to you, but in such a way she feels silly. She's not doing it out of altruism. Next time she says do you want to come out? Don't say I have no baby sitter. Say no thank you. I don't want to.

Practice in your head. Sometimes when I'm in a difficult situation I can hear my sons, daughter, friends, therapist in my head and it does help. Listen to me. It will help.

I am off to carry on cleaning now. Therapy was good. My youngest just rang me and we had a lovely chat. I love video calls as I can see my kids are well.

still raining...

@BirthdayRainbowIt's a personality trait I find hard to control. Stirring mum? Why are you telling me this would have been a much better response. Could remember it for next time but hopefully there won't be one.

I'm doing a lot of training at work at the moment and something that came up then is about learning to think before I speak so all part of the same thing.

Sounds like you've had quite a positive day. Its stopped raining here but I don't know how long for.

I was the biggest people pleaser ever. I assumed everyone was better than me and knew better than me. Now I know different. I no longer let anyone put me down to make themselves feel better. I don't tell anyone anything I don't want to. Not two hours ago I said I don't want to get into it to someone who asked a question she had no need or right to know the answer. She seemed very surprised but that's her problem. You can change if you want too 😀

I braved the rain and now I'm in. All my cleaning is done. I am ready for my friend coming tomorrow. H is coming at 8.45 for two hours so I'll walk her before he's here then go out and do errands while he is here and hopefully he will have gone when I get back. I'll put my solicitor folder in the car..

@BirthdayRainbow This is one aspect of my life I absolutely want to change! It sounds like it feels good too so I'm up for that.

Glad you had a productive day. Yes good idea with the folder!

If I can help, I'm here!

Well it gets worse. I messages h to ask that he give me notice when he is coming over. This he did then the next day turns up fifteen minutes early. I asked that he let me know in future and then he sent messages which were snotty. He won't come and fix an appliance while I'm here. Too busy today when I said I'd go out or upstairs. Said give him another time and day when I'll be out. He has no understanding that I don't want to see him as he's hurt me so badly.

Thank goodness my oldest friend will be here in 20 minutes for a few days.

hope you're all okay.

@BirthdayRainbow Well my ex is still messing me around over my DSs birthday. He's now saying he wanted to book something and it's not available then got cross that I'd booked something else for the day he wanted even though he knew we'd booked it ages ago. It's all absolutely exhausting.

With yours It's similar isn't it. Still deliberately being difficult to cause antagonsism. I am done with it for good.

Enjoy your time with your friend. You know you'd be telling me the same and to make the most of any help offered be it on a practical or emotional support level.

I think they feel they are losing control so lash out anyway they can. What mine doesn't realise is he has lost at least two of his kids, they have no respect for him, but it is hard as it's hurtful that someone can be so cruel and awful when we'd been together 27 years. I stopped loving him as if a switch and been pushed but I've done nothing to him to deserve this treatment. As it is, he is coming tomorrow. My friend and I will walk the dog then message him to say we are going. He will come later to coincide feeding the dog and we can take our time to come back afterwards.

Im so confused by what your exes issue is. If he knew you had booked something why did he want to book something the same day?

Thank you. We've had a lovely time tonight. I'm a bit nervous as it's the most time we will have spent together but we have planned three walks with the dog and she's happy to play it by ear.

I hope you are okay.

@BirthdayRainbow This is absolutely true. I know when my ex filed and asked me to leave he had only thought about himself at that moment and hadn't considered any of the fallout.

I did give him a second chance and he did all the lovebombing etc but then hurt me all over again and I realised I was still traumatised.

I think your plan for today is a great one. I'm happy with my schedule at work and the weather looks better and I'm going to stay with my parents this weekend because I feel like I need looking after.

My ex is getting frustrated that his plans aren't working and he's lashing out. I think he's being stupid. The original idea won't work? There's millions of alternatives and millions of different days so I don't know why he can't just plan something. Every time he does this its a headache for everyone.

@Whsthappensnow mine certainly didn't think about his children when he had an affair years ago and absolutely didn't expect me to leave this time albeit over something else.

My friend and I went shopping. Was lovely though I was anxious about h and dog. He didn't feed the dog as she ate his sandwich 😡but he didn't tell me. I found out he'd not fed her 2.5 hours after she should have been fed. We spoke on the phone as he had come to try and fix the vax and arranged for someone to take some rubbish away. It confused me and I didn't like how I felt after we spoke but I was glad we did. Wiped away the upset of yesterday and put us back on a more even keel. He offered to stay until the collection was done and said I didn't want him there. I said I had no issue with him being here I thought he didn't want to see me. Predictably he said nothing but I said what needed to be said. I wasn't happy he texted and said I had to buy a new vacuum as feel it should come out of joint money but I'll take it with me.

It is good you're going to your parents. You'll enjoy the time together and you do need looking after. Having my friend here helps so much.

Have to look for a new vacuum now. Might put a post up asking for recommendations.

Hi @BirthdayRainbow Yes I don't think any of them do. And I have even noticed friends in serious relationships complaining about their partners so I am back to thinking now that I am better off on my own.

I'm not surprised you were anxious about your ex and the dog but please don't let things like that spoil your fun with your friend. I'm glad you are having fun and treating yourselves where you can.

I'm not very good with hoovers. I think the big powerful ones are always to heavy to manoeuvre! I have one of those rechargeable shark things which isn't great and I borrow either a Henry or a Karcher when I need a deep clean but I don't really rate any of them and quite frankly would rather pay someone else to do it!

Yes already feeling relaxed. Changed into pajamas and had a massive glass of wine as soon as I got in. Weather has been awful today. Hail storms and everything and it's down to about 5 degrees.

My son video called me which was lovely. He's off abroad tomorrow for 11 days with work and I'm worrying a bit but I think he'll be okay.

After yesterday when he was horrible to me via texts it was a relief to speak to him on the phone and have a reasonable conversation about what today's plans were. Had to have a good chat with my friend because I did get a bit panicky about what it meant, had I done the right thing filing for divorce but she was really good at listening and talking me down.

@BirthdayRainbow Don't ever question your decisions. That is something I'm certain of. I however can't believe that it takes so long to heal and to sort everything out and every single process seems so painful.

I'm glad you have a supportive friend. Try not to worry too much about your son.

Hi @Whsthappensnow thank you. My son has landed safely and posted a photo of his room. I've had a lovely day with my friend. Lots of chatting a bit of shopping and a lovely long walk with the dog and a nice meal. Chat with solicitor on Monday. Sorting financials in April.

@BirthdayRainbow That must be a relief that you know where he is and he got there safely.

I'm glad you are still having a nice time with your friend. I know it can be very therapeutic. I had dinner out with a friend last night at a lovely fish restaurant by the coast. The chat and the sea air did wonders! I was filling her in on what I'd been up to and she said everyone she knows who is dating at the moment is going through the same and she thinks I definitely need a break from it. I was also telling her about a bloke at work I have a soft spot for. He's lazy and unprofessional and is selfish in relationships and open about it but he's very good looking, has been very helpful to me at work and complimentary of me to management. Anyway, pep talk from her to stay away from him too!

Hope everything goes OK on Monday. I was initially thinking April is a long way off for you but I suppose its not too bad in the grand scheme of things.

A fish restaurant sounds lovely. I plan to eat more fish once I can eat again.

Lazy - Nope
Unprofessional- Not really.
Selfish - No chance.

Next! In a bit..

Still having a lovely time. She cut my hair for me today. Lovely walk with the dog, lovely chats, made a lovely dinner, watched a lovely film.

My solicitor said if we were done by July we will have done well so that's what I'm focussing on. If it is sooner I'll take it as a win.

I am so sick of him. I had to message him as something of my friends had gone missing. He'd had a workman round so wanted to check they hadn't been in the house to take it. As it was he messaged but I didn't see it then he rang a minute later. He had the item. Thought it was his. He brought it back but he let himself in, put it down and walked out! I shouted thanks as was upstairs then went to the window. He looked up, did nothing and drove off. Yet on the phone talked perfectly fine. I hate the never knowing how he is going to be. Not that I want to talk to him or see him but the reality is I will have to for a bit. After we are divorced will I have to speak to him about anything?