Can we have a general divorce chat please?

[BirthdayRainbow]

My h moved out in July. I did not know he wouldn't be coming back but I'm fine that he hasn't. I feel like I was absolutely fine at the start as knew it was the right thing but now I'm feeling so heartbroken at what has caused this situation. I don't want him back. It's the right thing. So why am I so sad?

any advice re kids would be great. They are all over 18 but it's like he's struggling with the split that he thinks he doesn't have to be a father anymore.

@BirthdayRainbow Contraception was very high on his agenda actually. It was a deal breaker. I actually would have hot footed it out of there if it wasn't. (Despite the sexiness!) Thing is I didn't want a friends with benefits type situationship but his circumstances might call for it. His eldest child lives with him full time to be near uni. He has shared custody 50/50 of his younger 2 and runs his own business from home where he's on call all the time. But I know he's still using dating apps. As was I. I said I was going to delete it anyway but he was reluctant to do so. I'd be at least 5th on his list of priorities even if we were in a relationship which I didn't think I could handle but it's not as bad as I thought. But I do need to prepare myself for potential rejection. It's possible he still thinks im too full on. This was only because I was trying to establish if this was a thing if there was a way of getting round the fact that it's a booty call, only when his kids are out and before he has to work! And at his place (didn't want to come to mine) it would make me feel terrible eventually.

That was totally my problem with the ex. Why couldn't he bathe and settle the kids and instead he just wound them up again. You are right about me going out. He said he felt 'ambushed' when I asked him and refused to see the kids today. I even let the kids give him his birthday present early to try and cheer him up!

So, you know I don't always take on board the advice my friends dish out. I know they are just trying to make me feel better. I'm not even sure bloke round the corner fancies me.I do know that some would shag anyone regardless of how they look. He is a couple of years younger than me and I know blokes like him are looking for women a lot younger.

That probably would have been a more sensible way of me spending my time when my ex was here! Hope his visit was productive and glad you don't have to put up with him tomorrow. Reading and spending time in fresh air and with the animals should have been quite therapeutic for you.

Your feelings are completely justified but as you keep saying to me your not going to be able to change them. You can't teach emotional intelligence to the kind of idiots we're dealing with.

I'm so sorry that you are still grieving too. Its awful. I do think everyone handles grief differently though.

I don't think this guy is for you. Some women can handle a situation where it is literally just sex when the man says come over and is mostly all on their terms. Only you know if you are that one.

It is time to be firmer with your ex definitely. I'd be very much, please stop winding up the kids. If you want to spend more time with them then please parent them properly. Right now they need food, washing, their school work done, reading done, PE bag sorted, etc etc. if he says he can't then id be telling him to leave. No way would I stand for him having all the fun and refusing to do the day to day stuff. When he starts with the mum says I have to go now shit I'd be making it very clear the actual situation. Don't let him get away with crap because you don't want to tell tales or slag him off. Kids are smart. They want the one who tucks them in, bathes their grazed knees, makes them eat their dinner.

Why does he feel ambushed because you asked him to see his child on their birthday? Then he tries to get back at you by not seeing them today when actually the kids suffer as well.

HE IS HAPPY TO PUNISH HIS KIDS JUST TO GET BACK AT YOU.

I have reached a level of acceptance and no longer try and talk to him about anything important. Just focussing on getting the house ready for selling. I don't want to leave him in the house alone but I'll just take myself off to another room.

@BirthdayRainbow I don't have to worry about it now because he's just text me and told me he's decided he didn't feel a connection. I think I might block him and delete him from social media now.

I have another dilemma. Whilst I was on the dating Website I was chatting to someone else. I actually agreed to a lunch date but then he admitted that he'd lied about his age. Then I had no contact for a week and he's just messaged me out of the blue asking if we're still doing lunch?! He's given me his number so I can still contact him but he's saying all his pictures are out of date. I'm still going to delete the app but as I have integrity I think I will text this guy and be honest. I've got to work more next week, I've just been hurt and need to take a break and you won't tell me your age.

Yes you're right. Ex is being ridiculous. He's promised to actually take the kids away for a weekend soon. I think I'll try and arrange a night out with the girls that night. The kids want to go to the cinema tomorrow and want daddy to come I'm going to have to tell them this has to stop.

I honestly think the taking ourselves off to another room thing is the only answer and so is having something to focus on.

@Whsthappensnow definitely delete. You've had a win as no time to have any real angst.

Re the age guy I wouldn't say you've just been hurt and are busy. If the reason you don't want to see him is because he lied just say that. Don't give more than you need to. You owe him nothing.

Has your ex told you or the kids he's taking them away ? If he mentioned it to the kids I'd be having a conversation and telling him he is not to let them down again. He is not to mention it again until it is all booked and paid for and if it isn't going to happen he tells them now. Absolutely no cinema trip with him. If I remember correctly yours are little? Under ten? All going out together is confusing and tbh you aren't at the stage where you can all go out together as a group. A reminder chat that you don't want to be with daddy anymore, you aren't friends so he won't be coming with you.

@BirthdayRainbow Yes definitely how I feel about the bloke round the corner. The other thing my friends did say is that if it goes wrong early on it means you dodged a bullet.

Re the age guy, I have absolutely no idea why I thought he needs another chance. I don't even know why I agreed to a date with that one. It might have just been it was such early days and I was greatful for a response.

Yes ex had told kids he was taking them away. DS thought it was today and was really disappointed to not be going. Then he denied promising them. So he gaslit them basically. It is a great idea to have a proper chat and say let's not get our hopes up until daddy has actually booked. I'll explain the other stuff too. They're not in the best of moods though I've just had to tell them they're in breakfast club and after school club next week because of all my training.

Yes they're under 10. 8&9. Yes fragile and sensitive. Need to protect them but also be honest when I can.

Forget all the men.

Your children are now being gaslit by the fucking father. Mine are older 18-22 but I have not lied at all one still doesn't know what has happened but because I've answered their questions honestly they know they can believe me whatever I say. Make sure you have that with your children. Don't protect him over them. They have to come first, last and in between. Absolutely manage expectations but don't make excuses for him. I would be telling him that he's upset your son as he thought it was today and now that he has gaslit them as well you have zero respect or trust I'm him. What a dickhead.

I would also say you are disappointed that you'll miss out on time with them but you have to do extra training for work so you can do your job very well and your job pays for this home, their food, their clothes and toys and sometimes it does mean less time together but that is what life is about.

Protecting them is being honest. You're protecting them from losing trust in you through finding out you've lied. They will learn soon enough not to trust dad.

Being honest is protecting them.

Yes it's wise. It's good that I decided to dip my toe in the water regarding dating etc but I'm definitely staying out of it for the foreseeable before any more damage is done.

And yes you are so right about my children. Honesty is protecting them. Age is a factor here but yours are still of an age where they can be hurt from the fallout too. I was 15 when my parents separated and it was and still is really hard.

The kids will understand eventually about my work too. It's only a few days and they have loads of stuff to look forward to.

Absolutely they are hurt. My eldest will say he's annoyed more than upset. My middle says she doesn't care. My youngest thinks it is funny. But I know they are all disgusted with him and very protective of me. Of course it isn't funny and he isn't being disrespectful. I think it is just he can't believe it.

He can't believe his dad not calling, messaging, visiting, speaking to them when he comes to the house and they are upstairs..

@BirthdayRainbow you see that's the difference here I think with the ages.

Yours recognise the behaviour is wrong. They're just reacting in different ways.

My DM thinks mine are close to an understanding and that DD is one step ahead but DS still thinks my ex can do no wrong. Sometimes he's even made excuses for him.

Like when they've been let down and he says ' oh he probably wasn't feeling very well ' and I'm thinking oh do I get to check out where I need a break then.

My eldest has definitely tried to see h side but he doesn't know what he has done and there is no side. He has cut him some slack because he lost his dad last year and he's struggling with the split but my son has had enough now. He's seen his dad ignore his siblings and he won't have it now. It is an age thing but at the end of the day they are all kids who are hurting as their dad is being shit. It's the level of knowledge as to what has happened and the understanding of correct behaviour.

They've seen you carry on even when you aren't feeling great. They know on some level you're more capable and reliable. It will come.

@BirthdayRainbow Actually I do worry about that because my DS has a lot of the same personality traits as my Ex.

And yes knowledge is power.

And thanks for the vote of confidence. I'm feeling pretty resilient at the moment.

What are you worried about with your DS? If you are worried he won't accept anything but his dad has acted okay then don't worry. He might take some time but he will one day know the truth. Mine trusts me that I've left his dad for a good reason. That's all he needs to know right now. He doesn't want to know more at the moment as he's coping with enough.

You have got this. You have resilience. And it will all be okay. It will just take time.

@BirthdayRainbow It is that but it's behaviour too.

He's defiant, difficult doesn't listen and doesn't sleep so I find him challenging at times and I don't know if it's the situation, his nature or both.

The fact that we're not together and that's the best thing for everyone is alright. Ex did say he now knows he might have to find somewhere else to live because his living arrangements and not having anywhere to entertain the kids is not ideal. And isn't helping his mental health.

I know you're right. I wish I wasn't so impatient! That an area I think you are doing well at by the way.

Can you track back to when he started behaving like that and when the problems in the relationship started?

Be careful not to let behaviours go because of any misplaced guilt. He still needs boundaries and they give security. Sorting out the sleep will help with his behaviour that isn't acceptable.

I just keep telling myself that this won't be forever. It will take what it takes and I have no control over it. Accept it and that will help. Use your energies for things you can change.

Believe me I wish it was over!

@BirthdayRainbow It's probably just been a gradual thing. I can remember some difficulties since day one.

But sometimes now it's a pick your battles thing and I have to stop myself pandering to him. The other day he didn't like the sound of what I was cooking for dinner and I found myself offering him 5 different alternatives!

But yes we're going to sort the sleep thing. And everything else. I've said we're not going to the cinema until he's done his homework and I'm going to try and establish better routines over the next half term.

That's a good philosophy about putting energy into things I can change.

@BirthdayRainbow I think you're doing really well too.

Every parent has had their child reject a meal and then be offered several choices. Don't beat yourself up about it as it's gone and be prepared next time. Maybe all sit together and let everyone choose a meal or two for a week, a favourite and something new. Have them help with preparation if appropriate. But ultimately there will be times when they can't have their favourites and have to eat what is given. Food waste which is money wastage is a good lesson to learn from a young age.

Thank you. Some things I have a handle on and others not so much. I'm done with h. Not worrying about what he thinks, I don't need his approval or permission. Still stressing over packing. My boxes are piled up in the garage and are collapsing on top of each other but I'm running out of space to spread them out. I could put some in the roof but it wouldn't be easy. Once house is sold it would be easier as I could have the boxes in a bedroom and another room downstairs but it isn't easy. I'm also thinking I might have to go through some boxes I had packed in the roof from stuff that was already up there and maybe get rid of. I'd love to keep all my books but I have so many and am I really going to read the, again? I have so many I haven't even read yet.

@BirthdayRainbow Morning I thought I'd replied to this! I was very tired and spaced out yesterday.

Anyway good advice about DS.

With you, I still think you might find packing therapeutic. Your books are obviously precious to you so don't feel pressure to get rid. My circumstances were different. When I separated from my ex I lost any sentimentality to everything I owned. Even with my clothes I started again.

And I have a controversial opinion on property. I just think cleanliness is the most important thing and everything in decent working order. Potential buyers can see past most things these days. When I bought this house one of the bedrooms was full of storage boxes. It just rubber stamped the vendors wanting to move ASAP and didn't cloud my judgement in the slightest.

Hi @Whsthappensnow I've been through more books in the roof and after a conversation with a friend I've decided to keep ones from one author and get rid of ones from another. I feel ok about the compromise as I'm more likely to reread the first author than the other. Having said that they might all go but with the keeping author my list has failed me and I'm not sure I've read all of them. My son pointed out I'll probably get a house with a loft so will be able to keep stuff. He and his brother got rid of a couple of bits and I've made a box of stuff to go to the charity shop. Too good to go in the bin but I'm too exhausted to try and sell.

You've reminded me that when we moved this house they had started packing as the precious sale had fallen through. I was surprised they hadn't tried to make it look better but you are right, it didn't stop us buying the house. Once the photos are done it will be easier.

Tomorrow h is coming to carry on. I can't decide whether to go shopping or stay. I've currently got a headache as it's been an emotional few days and I've not stopped. I have a couple of errands to do as well but they aren't urgent. I just don't feel comfortable leaving him here. My dog doesn't seem to like him anymore which is having an impact on my thought process.

I just want to say, this isn't a thread just for @Whsthappensnow and I. Everyone is welcome.

How is everyone?

@BirthdayRainbow That's a great plan about your books. It's obviously worth chatting to the Estate agent but I do genuinely believe it won't be an issue.

I get what you mean about your dog but try not to let it impact anything too much.

Kids insisted ex came over again yesterday. I agreed to it to keep the peace and ended up paying for him to come to the cinema with us and cooking dinner for him because I'm still feeling a bit guilty.

The other reason I caved is because he told me he's moving soon because he's fed up with his landlady's rules and he needs to save money. He's looking at moving out of the area which is fine as he says he's definitely going to have somewhere for the DC to stay but I'm worried if he finds a place it will be one extreme to the other he'll either go for full custody or have even less involvement than he has now.

Having said that he knows nothing about the areas he's looking at and needs to visit each town first to find out what it has going for it.

Hi @Whsthappensnow How are you?

H turned up early again and I wasn't dressed fully. He took the dog for a walk, I asked, and then I went for a run and then took over with her so he could come to the house and get on. He said he was staying until 4 but my daughter wanted to ring then so I said he had to go at 3. He went at 2.30 then after a message from my solicitor I rang him to make sure he could be here to feed the dog if the appointment was over her lunch time. Just before 4pm there was a knock at the door and there was my DD! She couldn't come for my birthday so came today. They do love to surprise me! She really does not want to see h so I've said to him that can he not come tomorrow as something has come up. He said ok which I was relieved about as I know he wants to get on and I don't let him come on Wednesdays and then he'll miss five days when my friend is coming to stay.

The dog was fine and when he left she watched him leave and wouldn't come to me so I was a bit miffed 😳.

No. No. No. No more cinema trips, no more cinema tickets, no more cooking his dinner. It's not fair on the kids as they will take longer to accept the situation. It's not fair on you as it will not be good for you. It's only good for him and that's no okay. Would it help to work out why you feel guilty?

Stop worrying about him going for full custody. Even if he tried , which he won't be he might threaten it, he will not get it. If he has less involvement then that is all on him. Not your fault. Not your issue to fix.

When my son was here, h came over to do work, didn't come in to see ds and when we left ds had to say hello first. H said hello back and that was it. As I said earlier dd doesn't want to see him and actually looked quite stressed when I said he was coming over so I sorted it so she doesn't have to see him.

I have found out today ds asked for a tiny amount of extra money a week for food and h said I suppose so😡, he's also told him and his sister they needed to look for cheaper phone contracts. She said she needs what she has so she will pay. H said ok 😡😡

@BirthdayRainbow That's really good news you got to see your daughter and you sound a bit more in control of the situation and I probably need some more of that!

Might still be dwelling on my behaviour on Friday night. I have absolutely no idea why but I almost felt compelled to tell him what I'd done! I have absolutely no idea what that was about I also have a really hard time saying no to my kids. I really do hope that stops soon. Your DD has the right attitude.

The finances are similar issue here too. I think that's the reason I was tempted to help with food etc. Ex thinks he pays too much maintenance and has nothing left and every time I see him he's moaning about having no money yet I've done so much. I'm also having to fork out for equipment for DD's first residential and its cost a fortune. He's not offered anything towards it.

It actually might be a good thing if he moves away. I did have a look and it's 40 miles. The custody thing was of course me overthinking