Can we have a general divorce chat please?

[BirthdayRainbow]

My h moved out in July. I did not know he wouldn't be coming back but I'm fine that he hasn't. I feel like I was absolutely fine at the start as knew it was the right thing but now I'm feeling so heartbroken at what has caused this situation. I don't want him back. It's the right thing. So why am I so sad?

any advice re kids would be great. They are all over 18 but it's like he's struggling with the split that he thinks he doesn't have to be a father anymore.

I have nothing useful to add but read this thread every day.

One thing I do know though is all you need in life is a Golden Retriever! So loving, so loyal so happy to see you. Everything that men aren’t.

Have a lovely brunch @Whsthappensnow .

I'll look up grey rock, or more likely I'll post on here. Get better responses and idea.

The trainers I'm going to buy are green and white. Very different for normal but I'm feeling fuck it. I'm changing so much since he's been gone.

I'm not talking about it to him but he's been checking in with me every day he knew that H was coming round which is lovely.

Hi @Soreeno that is lovely you are reading. I hope it's helping you. Please tell us about yourself if you'd like too.

Or is it to? Sometimes I just can't remember !

Hi everyone! I caved and let my ex see the DC and true to form he's being manipulative again.

He said he didn't respond to my call because I didn't text him as well so he assumed it wasn't urgent. He paid me short because he's saving for a deposit on a new place so he has somewhere big enough for the DC to stay over. He still didn't book accommodation for taking them away but he had enough money for a lads weekend in Bournemouth last week.

He took the DC today to check out a new town he might move to because its cheaper buy he's come back today saying its too quiet so it's not happening.

He got funny with me when I wouldn't hug him this morning and he's refused to see the DC tomorrow because I said I didn't want to go too!

Up until thar point I'd had a lovely brunch with my friend and mooch round the shops and now I'm really tense again. Perhaps I do need to re-visit the Grey rock thing

Oh@Whsthappensnow I don't know where to start with him!

Are you actually divorced or just separated? Either way he needs telling. We are over, I do not ever want to hug you or touch you or have you touch me. You cannot use the children to try and get back at me. If you don't want to see them properly and be a proper father then let me know.

It is very important that you don't tell him to stop seeing the kids/ to go because he will then be able to say you wouldn't let him see the kids because he missed a visit, was short of money, etc.

Say to him - if I'm calling you, it is only EVER going to be about the children so please call back. The children cannot, should not, will not go without because you are putting yourself first. They come first then you have what is left. They come before weekends away with friends.

If he says he won't be able to have them then, then you say the kids come first he gets what is left and if he's short he has to compromise on side of property or area.

Say this to yourself - I had a lovely brunch. That happened and nothing can change that. I refuse to let him make me feel crap. He's going in the bin along with the feelings that my brain allowed me to feel because it forgot I'm warrior woman now. Then imagine pouring the dregs of your tea or coffee on top of them. Walk away with a calm happy feeling.

@BirthdayRainbow We're not divorced. He started proceedings on me abroad and I got ripped off by a dodgy foreign lawyer. When we came back to the UK we tried again but he was worse but I didn't want to spend the money on the divorce or have any more trauma with legal business I just wanted to concentrate on setting myself up and building a new life and a new career. People keep telling me do the government no fault divorce but even that seemed like too much money and too much hassle. My parents and friends including my friend who I went for brunch with today are really pushing me to do this and have been for a while because of my circumstances.

That paragraph in response to not answering my calls was pretty much what I said word for word. I just got a shrug of the shoulders.

Yes I have positive things happening. I did have another look on OLD and I've started talking to a bloke who is a doctor. He's not giving me great vibes just yet though. My parents are treating me and the DC to a forest holiday at Easter and my friend that I saw today is getting married in the autumn and said We're in the wedding party so we were talking weddings today and looking at outfits. (It's a very unconventional wedding) Then she was talking about the best man/photographer being single and he is HOT and potential for a double date soon so there's that too.

So actually it's not all bad! But yes I actually do need to take some action. I get it!

It is all no fault divorce now. To do it on line is about £573. But you need a solicitor for the financial stuff. There's no excuse though. He must know you are over.

I am not pressuring you. Just want to help and support your with empowering vibes.

I have been invited to H cousin wedding. 99% sure I'm not going though. H isn't as he's away. Didn't think about his dc 21st birthday that he'll miss🙄. My DD can't go, not sure if my sons will go. I love a wedding but I think it will be too awkward.

The forest holiday sounds amazing.

Let's see what happens with the Doctor. How long have you been split from your ex?

My friend has messaged me a lot this week. I mentioned about next week but he hasn't come back to me yet. Doesn't necessarily mean he's avoiding telling me. Could be he's having dinner, watching the rugby or doesn't want to talk about it while he's at home.

@BirthdayRainbow So I was even reluctant to pay that but I am closer to accepting it now. There's no joint assets but I took legal advice regarding my house. I won't go into detail because its outing but that's watertight. My name is off any of the accounts and I signed my assets over to him and paid my debts off when I left. Apparently I have a right to some of his previous pension but I've no idea what kind of figure we'd be talking about or if it's worth it. However despite all this the friend I saw today has been in a similar position and then her ex declared bankruptcy and she ended up liable for 40ks worth of debt which is why she's pushing me.

I have actually just been putting it off because of the admin! Is that bad?

Yeah I'm not a wedding person but this is a new crowd of people. Exciting venue in a city I love so very much looking forward to it! Zero akwardness. I only know the bride and groom and their kids! But I'm not sure about yours unless you are in a similar situation re venue!

Yes it's one of those cabins in the woods with a hot tub but we're going quite a way up country so visiting family on the way up and back.

So Doctor is nice but he's abroad at the moment and wants to video call when he gets back tomorrow. He's putting pressure on for a friends with benefits type arrangement and he's been quite disrespectful in the fact that even though he doesn't want children and knows I'm not looking for a father figure for them he's not been great at acknowledging the fact that I'm a mother which is a bit of a red flag. I jokingly said to my friend earlier that I'm sick of OLD, I'm going to start asking my mates to set me up, she then starts talking about the wedding photographer and let's just say I'd certainly bon the Doctor for him!

I've been split from my ex for 2 years and 6 months and there's only been one other bloke in that time. Actually we were talking about that today too. She rekons I have unfinished business with the bloke round the corner and should have asked for an explanation.

Oh I totally get it about your friend. If it doesn't happen soon it will happen at some point and you're still in touch and getting something out of it so it's fine.

It's not bad but it you're sure you want to be detached from him then why wait?

Im sure the wedding will be in a lovely place and a nice day but I think it would be awkward. One cousin has sent me a card, the rest haven't even sent a text. The bride hasn't messaged me to see how I am. I've been with their cousin over 27 years. I don't want to spend time with people who haven't shown me any care or consideration. I'd have to leave my dog which I don't want to do either so there's no real reason to go. If we were still married I would have looked forward to going and seeing everyone.

Oh no, just bin off the Doctor. Your bar needs to be high and whatever the positives about him the negatives are too unacceptable.

I'll be okay if he cancels. Part of me thinks would be for the best. But I appreciate his support while my STBEH is being a twat.

@BirthdayRainbow It's genuinely been time constraints stopping me but now I'm settled at work and finished all my training it might be a good time to get the ball rolling especially given the events of the weekend. What my friend said about her situation did give me a kick up the bum and the fact that my ex is doing me out of maintenance and having weekends away with his very toxic friends underlined it.

Yeah haven't heard from the doctor today and not bothered at all. Actually even though I liked him I was finding it a bit stressful. Yesterday when ex H was here doc was constantly messaging asking if I was OK and giving me the scratchy head emoji and I felt like I had two dickheads stealing my precious time at once! That is the mind set I need to get into with dating. I have told my friend to find out how old the photographer is and to put in a good word! I might be too old for him though I'm sure she said he was mid 30s

That wedding is not the place for you. There will be plenty of other events down the line. I would not have envisaged anything like this happening when we'd only just split up.

This thing with your friend is good while you understand the boundaries.

I liked you being forceful me clear re me going to the wedding. I've felt I might be being ridiculous. I'm happy they are marrying, I still believe in love, but I was worried I'd bring a downer in the day.

Absolutely now is the time to formalise things. He will have to lay maintenance for the children and he'll have no choice in the matter.

Age doesn't matter if everything is right and good.

The trouble is there are no real emotional boundaries. I love him and I shouldn't.

And clear *

@BirthdayRainbow LOL! I'm not normally like that but I feel quite strongly about not putting yourself in awkward situations if you can avoid them. We have a big family event happening in May. I have tricky relationships with a lot of people going and right now I'd do anything I possibly could to get out of it!

I do agree about my ex. So before this month he was paying more than what the CSA would recommend based on what he said he was earning but some people I know think he might be lying about his earnings. It's not a huge amount but it's more than what some people get so I haven't been making a big deal out of it but I could always do with more.

So Doctor is 39 and my friend was guessing photographer around that age too so probably just about OK. Check me out being a cougar! Wierd that neither have or want kids. Also both live in same city 25 miles from here. Photographer bloke coming up for a night out in our nearest seaside town Easter weekend so I am hoping I can go along to that.

I don't think we should ever feel guilty about our feelings.

@Whsthappensnow I'm going to need you to help me in May so you'll be too busy to go. I know it's a shame but I'm sure you'll all have a lovely time...

It doesn't matter what other people get. He should be truthful and pay the full amount. The authorities have the know how to see what he earns and money for the children will be taken direct so it won't be up to him.

The problem is I don't feel guilty for loving him. He was mine first. But it still isn't right. His wife wouldn't be happy if she knew he was going to have dinner with me, I imagine. She absolutely wouldn't be happy if she knew he has feelings for me.

Indeed!!!

Actually, my gorgeous golden girl was bereft when ex left. I still can’t forgive him for that. She moped about and used to periodically go on the spare room bed where he spent the final weeks in the marital home.

I took her to the vet who said “she’s grieving. She’s lost one of the pack”. I think that hurt me as much as having to divorce him.

I’ve been out this evening. Lovely food, with lovely friends. Off to bed now.

Tomorrow is another day ☺️

That's interesting @Jessica3075 as mine has turned right against him. Not only was he coming to the house and not bothering to see his DC but he didn't interact with RainbowDog either. He's walked her three times in eight months and only because I asked him to as I had an appointment. I've seen him stroke her once with an ear rub and that was when we were all in the garden, once she saw I'd come in she ran towards me. When he's shouted at me she's gone and got in her bed or sat really close to me. One time we came back from a walk and he was in the house. She went to see who was sat on the sofa, saw it was him and came straight back to me. I hope yours is okay now.

I'm glad you have had a lovely evening.

It is raining at the moment. I wanted to go for a run before I walked RainbowDog so I'll give it a bit. I'm feeling a bit emotional today which is annoying me as I don't really know why. I'm going to buy DS1 birthday presents so I'm happy about that and I'm seeing him tomorrow and Tuesday but also h is coming tomorrow to do more DIY which I'm not happy about. I'm hopeful I will see my friend for dinner but I'm trying not to get my hopes up as I'll be so disappointed if it doesn't happen. I haven't seen him since November and have really missed him. He is being such a support via text though. He's always had my back even when h did not.

Hi everyone! It's really interesting about the animals isn't it. My ex can't have his cat in his shared house so she is with me. I think this is something else he uses to maintain a connection although he's been here to see the kids this weekend he wouldn't even do the litter tray.

Anyway @BirthdayRainbow any news? I hope your dinner is on. Try not to worry about it all to much and remember that you haven't done anything wrong.

Hi everyone

@Whsthappensnow would you want to keep the cat? I would be insisting he did the litter tray though I don't know how you'd make him. What a prat.

How are the children now he's seen them? I hope they are okay and that you are too. I know it's not easy.

I don't expect to know about the dinner until the morning really. His messages last night read like it will happen but I'm trying to stay realistic.

I've been sorting through my DD clothes for her and then H is coming tmw to do more jobs. Not heard back from MIL yet re the wedding present he left behind but she hasn't noticed I've messaged her now I've just looked. I'm going out for dinner tomorrow night with my son, two friends, their mum and my MIL. When talking to my friend about it I realised my son hasn't invited his father. He'd normally be at his running club that day but I doubt DS remembers but I'm sure H wouldn't cancel or come anyway.

Hi @BirthdayRainbow It's a wierd one about the cat. It cost him an absolute fortune to bring her over and we were surprised he could afford it. We were surprised she made the journey tbh. We all feel like every day she has with us is a bonus but she's very old now. 15 is ancient for a moggy isn't it? However whilst I do love her, I've never felt the connection that he and the kids have. But I feel like she adds a cosyness to the place. Does that make sense?

Ah that makes sense about the dinner.

It sounds like your DC have thier dad figured out. I hope you hear from MIL soon.

It makes absolutely sense. I got my first cat with a previous ex. When I left him I took the cat 😆. She was my best mate. No way was he having her as he'd kicked her and that's why I left as I thought he'll start on me next. Forgetting he already had hit me twice. She lived until she was 18 and nine months. I now have three cats.

I expect he doesn't want the gift but my friend made a suggestion so I'll offer it to my son. It's to do with our first house together and as that was DS1 first house I'll sell it to him as sentimental rather than I made this for your father's wedding present. I've noticed the large wedding picture of h and I has gone. If he's binned it I'll be furious. I told him there was a box of his stuff plus things for us to jointly decide about. I feel he's getting rid of everything, doesn't want any bedding etc either. I asked if he was buying all new. He said he hadn't thought. I said I suppose if you're moving in with someone you won't need stuff. He ignored that. He's adamant there's no one else. My therapist said of course there isn't.

H has just messaged to say he won't come tomorrow. He'll come later in the week when he's house sitting. So all I need now is my friend not to cancel and I can go 🤞. I've told h it still might be cancelled and I'll let him know asap so hopefully he won't get the hump about that.

Hi @BirthdayRainbow any news?

Nothing happening here except I seem to have come down with some kind of bug. I did a covid test but it's negative.

Been feeling a bit low as well because I joined another online dating app and exactly the same thing has happened again.

So I am going to concentrate on sorting out my divorce then seeing how that makes me feel and have a look at the finances to see if I can cover some therapy.

Hi@Whsthappensnow sorry to hear you are feeling poorly. I hope it's a very short illness.

By same again do you mean they just want no strings sex? Or go straight to inappropriate messages after barely saying hello? With the illness I have my memory isn't as good as it was.

It might be worth a chat with your GP to see if there's any therapy on the NHS.

I've just picked up DS1 and he's gone to pick up my MIL then after we've eaten I'll be taking her back. I will see if I can just drop her off as I don't want to go in and see h. I'll walk her to the door though.

No news on the dinner. Probably won't until Thursday. Not heard from him today but he texted me once yesterday in reply to my message.

I'm shattered as walked the dog for two hours then spent hours in DDs room going through everything under her bed and in her cupboard for her to decide what she wants to keep. Then walked the dog again for an hour. I felt quite emotional and while I know I have done the right thing, I did feel guilty the kids are having to get rid of stuff they might have wanted to keep because we are divorcing.

@BirthdayRainbow Yes me too but I've sorted it with work and childcare to have another day of rest tomorrow. Covid test was negative so that's good. Feels a bit like flu.

I'm still on waiting list with NHS. I just thought I'd explore the private option and see if I could afford it but it feels like a massive financial commitment. And divorce feels like a priority.

So, yes this was another one who was trying to talk me into no strings but in fairness I can't offer much in terms of commitment anyway and I thought he might be decent because of his job. (Doctor) he was getting quite pushy but then calmed down. But it was the same as before in terms of he asked for more pictures. I sent some. I told him I was going to pause the app. He then just responded 'nice' to my new pics, I said now it's your turn and he ghosted me. So probably again no great loss but why do I do this to myself?

So then I was chatting to my friend who is getting married. She says their wedding photographer is single and we should double date, I see his FB profile and think yes why not and hear nothing back about that either assuming he's seen my profile and turned me down too.

So I feel like I have been rejected again. Twice!

I'm glad you have heard from your friend and fingers crossed for you for later in the week.

That sounds like a productive day. The clear out is necessary. If it helps, my parents divorced when I was a teenager. I don't have anything left from that period of my life really apart from my A-level art portfolio and its never bothered me in the slightest. My DC have very little from their childhood. I think it's not good to hold on to too much stuff so try not to worry about it.