Can we have a general divorce chat please?

[BirthdayRainbow]

My h moved out in July. I did not know he wouldn't be coming back but I'm fine that he hasn't. I feel like I was absolutely fine at the start as knew it was the right thing but now I'm feeling so heartbroken at what has caused this situation. I don't want him back. It's the right thing. So why am I so sad?

any advice re kids would be great. They are all over 18 but it's like he's struggling with the split that he thinks he doesn't have to be a father anymore.

@BirthdayRainbow Yes I will get there eventually.

I think you are probably right about your ex and you have handled it all very well today. I'm glad you spoke to your friend and enjoyed a slightly more sensible treat!

Thank you. I can see I did better as yesterday I was very upset and sad but didn't feel suicidal. That has been a thought I've had a lot, sadly. I just acknowledged it was shit and hard but I'd be okay. I think I would have been all right today if he hadn't sent the kids such a shit message. It wasn't good enough as it hasn't changed the kids thoughts.

I am really hoping I can see my friend for dinner next week. Trying not to get my hopes up too much though.

Tomorrow is therapy so I need to be up early and walk the dog then I'll run. I didn't walk her this morning as was raining too much and I am out of my running every other day routine and I need and want to get back into it.

Hi@BirthdayRainbow really sorry your feeling like that. I'm just checking in and hoping that you managed to get everything across to your therapist and are feeling better after your session.

Hi @Whsthappensnow thank you so much for checking in with me. It means a lot. How are you?

I have my therapist as I made another attempt on my life in April. The NHS said I wasn't poorly enough for them to help me but the nurse told me what therapy he thought would help so I researched and have had it since May every week. I have to pay for it and h hates that.

The session was really helpful again today. I'm understanding more what type of person my h is and also learning more about myself. All the things I thought I knew about myself have been turned on their head as actually I was right about most things and it was h in the wrong. I was a good mum, actually more than good enough according to my therapist and that he was never good enough for me or the children. A lot of what he said to me on Monday was just nonsense and probably a lot of projection. He is the one who is weak and controlling whereas I am strong and do know how to react to people.

Hi everyone, I know most aren't posting but still want to say hello and remind everyone they are welcome to join in anytime.

I've had three days without H here but he is coming tomorrow. I haven't decided whether to go with my MIL to walk my dog or go alone. I told her at the weekend the full reasons why I'm divorcing her son and I got nothing back other than it's sad we can't talk. I feel I want to have one more attempt at making her understand but if I get nothing back I'm backing off.

I had an email from my solicitor today. I've asked him to amend one answer to one of h questions but I'm not sure if he'll agree. I know once h gets the answers either way he'll be furious.

@BirthdayRainbow Yes just crazy busy this week and I've also been working in the upper school more so I'm finding some of the work quite taxing lol! So there's been quite a demand on my brain!

I'm glad your therapy went well. I feel like despite the fact it's mostly stuff you know already it's necessary given your circumstances. So sorry you have felt like that by the way. I also don't think any of this is helped by the NHS and the current system. There's no way you could rely on it. I've been waiting months and never had a referral. You could argue private therapy has saved your life.

Have a break from him and MIL and don't worry about what you are asking for.

@Whsthappensnow I'm really enjoying and appreciate chatting to you but please don't do more than you have time for. You have a lot of demands on your time.

Private therapy has absolutely saved my life. I think divorce has as well as I think I would have tried again if I'd stayed with H. H really resents paying for my therapy but my solicitor has said the cost is reasonable, the therapy is necessary and to stop with the questions about it.

Do you think I shouldn't go and see my MIL tomorrow? I think I know what I want you to say.

@BirthdayRainbow It's OK! You might just get shorter responses for a bit! Not a bad thing!

That's really good your solicitor is on your side about your therapy but I do think it's a shame you have to justify the cost.

MIL? What would you be saying to me if it was the other way round and what do you expect to get out of it?

I think, it’s often (not always) how men deal with their emotions. My own husband threatened divorce so many times that in the end, I just felt crushed. Then, my loving partner of 18 yrs packed up and left. It was as if I’d died. I was nothing.
So many times, he’d been unable to take a breath, calm his emotions and talk rationally. It was always me who smoothed and calmed the situation (usually after being stonewalled from anything from 24hrs to a week). This time, I just stood and watched him do what he always did and said “Ok. I’ll get a solicitor”.

I never wanted a divorce. I wanted him to stop threatening/punishing me. This time, was the first time I didn’t calm him and rescue the situation.

one of the last things he said to me was “you should have calmed me. You missed your chance”. I regret it from the upheaval and loss of a man I loved but honestly? How many times can you be told you’re worthless and your husband wants a divorce.

OP, this is the darkest hour. It WILL be ok. Tomorrow is another day, love.

@Whsthappensnow i honestly don't know. I am finding it very difficult to be objective. I think I'll sleep on it. As my son just rang I'm going to go to bed later so might not be out running by the time h gets here so I'll go with how I feel. Earlier I was thinking I wanted to try again with her as I don't want to feel I don't want to talk to her anymore but I know I'll feel so disappointed and crushed if she won't talk or doesn't say anything helpful or that lets me know she gets it. When he had his affair she was brilliant and wrote me a letter giving me advice when I asked her to. I can't help feeling she did it because she wanted me to stay with him whereas this time we are absolutely over and she's already said she can't make it right.

Hello @Jessica3075. I am so sorry you have been through this too. My h also threatened divorce a few times and I always panicked and talked him down until one time I didn't. But then I thought about the kids and started shaking. So I went downstairs and said to him if he wanted to press submit to do so but he had to be absolutely sure it was what he wanted. I asked for a trial separation, he decided we were done but didn't tell me. I didn't want him back which was a surprise so once I'd got over the feelings I had I was fine with it and now I can't wait to be divorced and moved.

I understand the regrets. In therapy yesterday I said how I wished all this hadn't happened. I wish he hadn't said what he said. But I know it's for the best that I know as at least I know how he really feels about me. I stopped loving h the minute he said what he did but I can see how it was harder for you if you still loved him. How are you doing now?

Thank you for your kind words.

He is coming tomorrow to do more jobs on the house but I'll be out running, with the dog and then if I don't go to see my MIL I'll sit in my room with my dog and book and leave him to it.

I’m still sad. My ex told me every year, sometimes twice or three times a year, he wanted a divorce. I have asked him since, “Why!” He had no answer. Couldn’t explain why it was his default position.

I’m probably much older than you, I think. My son is now 23. His are 35, 34 and 30. I really felt lucky to have met him but his inability to breathe, step back and calm himself meant the word “divorce” was his go to. He was usually sorry for his overreaction but the one time I didn’t humble myself, he got his divorce. Personally, I think he will always regret it and essentially, he is a good man but you just can’t keep saying that awful word and not expect it to have a profoundly disastrous impact and outcome.

I still miss him. Our future plans. I don’t miss feeling worthless in his (and his kids) eyes. I will never meet anyone else so, must face the future alone. Not what I wanted.

Oh, and I too have a dog. A gorgeous golden retriever who has been such a comfort. Dogs… much kinder than men!

An affair is the worst betrayal. I’m so sorry you’ve had such an experience.

Keep your chin up, OP.

@Whsthappensnow btw, I love your long messages so don't worry about that!

@Jessica3075 I am sorry you are still sad. How long has it been since you split up? He probably knows why his default was to go to divorce but won't admit it. It's not for a good admirable reason.

I am 52 and my children are 18, 20 and almost 23.

I mourn the loss of what I thought I had and the future I expected but he's no loss. You and I seem to have similar thoughts.

I am not interested in anyone else either. I have realised the love of my life is someone else and if I can't have him I'm not interested in somebody new. It is very refreshing for me to realise I don't need a man. I can be my own security as what I thought was it, wasn't.

Guess what dog I have? Yep, a golden retriever !! She's currently snoring at the bottom of my bed. She's slept with me since he went. She had to sleep down stairs when he was here.

FYI we aren't getting divorced because he had an affair. That was nine years ago though I only found out eight years ago. I stayed for many reasons. Don't regret it that I did but sometimes I think if I'd left then he wouldn't have cut me so deep with what he said but for the kids, it's better now that it would have been then.

No. Way!!!

Awwww

Aw I wish I had one of those to keep my feet warm! Don't really have the energy though. I just have this for company as well as the DC.

I have three cats as well.

How sad that someone feels the needs to write something that needed deleting.

I've been to see my MIL today. Back home. H still here and will be until at least 5 😩

Gorgeous puss! And believe me, the endless mud and rolling in muck is a royal pain in the … 🤣

I meant to say lovely cat and beautiful garden too.

H said he was staying til 6.30. I took dog out. Came back about 5.20 and thankfully he went soon after but not before arguing with me. I said he couldn't do 9-6.30 again as I know he doesn't care but I was finding it hard. I'm absolutely done with him. I'm not protecting him. I'm not asking after him. I'm going to train myself not to care or worry about him. I've got a pounding headache and it all because of him.

@Jessica3075 Yes that's what puts me off to be honest but I do feel in the minority as absolutely everyone has dogs round here even in teeny tiny houses and everywhere is very dog friendly. One day maybe!

Aw thanks @BirthdayRainbow she's an old lady now and very territorial! I've been having similar issues with my ex tonight too. I can't even be bothered to go into it but I want to scream into a pillow. I too have a headache. To top it all off DD was very late home from residential and you should see the state of the kit from the dodgy weather!

Early night and trashy telly for me!

I'm watching CBB and don't have to get up tomorrow as thankfully h isn't coming until Monday.

I've decided I'm not going to let him get to me anymore. I'm going to stop talking to him, stop arguing with him, I'm going to grey rock him. If I've understood what that means correctly. Though if he shouts at me I would feel like ignoring would be letting him get away with shouting at me.

I might go shopping tomorrow and buy new trainers. Trying not to count the days until I see my friend. Just in case.

If you've got an old cup. Smash that@Whsthappensnow

@BirthdayRainbow I'm watching Great British menu. I'll be going to bed when I've caught up even though I have a little lie in! Ex is having the DC so I'm going out for brunch with a friend.

The Grey rock thing. Some people swear by it. I'm not sure my understanding of it is correct either as I tried it and he still manages to gaslight me so I must be getting it wrong!

Yes have loads of old cups. Can't be bothered to clean up any mess though!

Yeah treat yourself! I think I might tomorrow too. Not new trainers though. I tend to by really silly ones when I'm in these moods (e.g.pink satin leopard print Addidas Sambas!)

That is totally the right approach with your friend. I had been meaning to ask if you had news on that score