Can we have a general divorce chat please?

[BirthdayRainbow]

My h moved out in July. I did not know he wouldn't be coming back but I'm fine that he hasn't. I feel like I was absolutely fine at the start as knew it was the right thing but now I'm feeling so heartbroken at what has caused this situation. I don't want him back. It's the right thing. So why am I so sad?

any advice re kids would be great. They are all over 18 but it's like he's struggling with the split that he thinks he doesn't have to be a father anymore.

@BirthdayRainbow That sounds like a very sensible hiding place!

Yeah my DSF took the DC out on thier scooters for a bit and I had a bit of a heart to heart with DM about it all. She is also taking into account how demanding my job is which means I have to make allowances to have a life and get some self care in too. She's acknowledged that this is where my situation is different from hers when we were young.

Some men are so selfish aren't they. It's awful.

I am glad your mum is getting the picture and hurray for your step dad.

Some men are yes. We need to stay hopeful, especially when we are bringing up the next generation.

I had a nice surprise this morning. My lovely ex messaged to wish me a happy mother's day which I wasn't expecting.

@BirthdayRainbow Yes he had to look after my DM too. My DB is very connected to his ex's family. He's just bought a house with his new fiancee and her DM but chose to spend mother's day with ex MIL which to me is mad! So she just wanted to spend precious time with people that matter.

Yes I know what you mean. Sometimes I think DM is disappointed with my DB and I want my DS to be a good 'un!

Oh I had nothing like that! Except I forgot I hadn't deleted bloke round the corner's business page so I was reminded of him today but I did resist the temptation to comment or text him.

Some people have weird boundaries or maybe they are genuine friends?

I am sure your son will be a lovely partner and father in the future.

Have you deleted him now?

@BirthdayRainbow So there was a memorial service today for a member of his ex MILs family which was 4 hours away from where DB lives so it looked odd that he could do that not the 2 hour journey here. DSF thinks its an ego trip thing for DB because its a big family reunion.

I hope so re my son!

Not yet! It's just the business page I still need to get rid of. Tell you what though, at least I know he's still alive!

Obviously you wouldn't want him to be dead but beyond that..

@BirthdayRainbow 😂lol!

I'm wondering why you care tbh? He's not worthy of your time.

@BirthdayRainbow It's because I had that conversation. And this is a very small town where everyone knows each other so I'm wondering if something happened between me leaving his house thinking I was going to be seeing him again to him dumping me late the following day. I hadn't thought about it at first but its possible somebody interfered. OK he's probably a wrong 'un and I had a lucky escape like I did with the old bloke too but what if I do meet someone decent. I deserve it and I don't want anything standing in my way.

Is this the guy who you said you could have him if you wanted?

You absolutely do deserve someone decent but it shouldn't be this hard. It should be easy and natural. Any angst they are causing you five minutes in should be an automatic bye.

If you do meet someone decent there is not what if? It will be good.

@BirthdayRainbow This one or the bloke round the corner or possibly both. I have a gut feeling something is going on from ex or gossipy mums. I feel people are trying to sabotage me and make me feel guilty.

But yes trying to open my heart again shouldn't be this difficult. I tried another app out of curiosity and straight away there was lewd behaviour and I had to report someone it's horrible.

I know you are right but it's not been an easy journey.

@Whsthappensnow you've got nothing to feel guilty about. Protect yourself and listen to your gut feeling.

H turned up. Had a blazing row. Told me to fuck off. Doesn't want to be around me. Apparently I don't know how to react to people. Won't accept crumbs from the kids with their one and two word texts. Can't deal with the kids because of how he's feeling. Has no time for them because of how they make him feel. Sneered at me spending money on therapy. He has anxiety and walks for his mental health. Thought about killing himself after a week on antidepressants so won't take them. Loads more horrible, cruel, untrue stuff. Blaming me for the end of our marriage and for how I dealt with SA and everything is my fault as I still cared about an ex. He knew everything about everything pretty early on, certainly before we married and I gave him opportunities to leave. I've emailed my solicitor to ask if we can talk as h is also telling me to hurry up with everything. I can't control how long people take to do the necessary.

Tried to talk to him. He's still here...l Said he's anxious as doesn't want to be around me as we can't be civil. Says he can't afford a handyman. Has spent £3k on a solicitor and hasn't had a meeting yet. Said I don't need to understand why he feels as he does and by default treats me as he does. My words the last eight.

@BirthdayRainbow That's exactly how I feel. I think it's just another thing I've learnt the hard way.

I had all that from my ex too. I honestly think the only answer is to spend as little time with him as possible. Same circumstances as me as well in the respect that I'm getting the impression it's absolutely impossible for you to reason with yours in this current frame of mind so any conversation will be pointless.

I did struggle to deal with my ex and all the mental health stuff because I was the one who had to contact the likes of Women's aid and the samaritans for support so when he'd told me he'd been to the doctors and got diagnosed with depression I just said 'I'm glad you're getting help and I hope the medication make you feel better ' but like you,we don't need to take any blame we just need to do what we can to move on.

It is worth another call to your solicitor but don't worry about anything else.

We both posted at the same time so I don't know if you saw my second one.

I emailed the solicitor asking that we have a quick chat but no reply yet.

He seems to be still willing to have the dog next week which is a relief. But she will be left for five hours. More if he's late. She's never been left that long before and she will miss her evening treat. Is it too long?

@BirthdayRainbow It's a really tough one that because it's nobody's fault his solicitor is so slack. I got really scammed by one who once kept me waiting 11 weeks and in that time did absolutely nothing but they made me all sorts of promises at the start and I was desperate to instruct someone. Having said that he shouldn't just accept that he should do something about it.

Can someone pay the handyman now and get the costs back from the profit from the sale of the house?

If the dog isn't used to being left that long then I don't know if I would. Whilst it's good he can sit for the dog I do think you will be worried about it.

Sorry, I wasn't clear. He means we haven't had the meeting yet. My solicitor is really good and won't be delaying anything. We are waiting on the pension people. Nothing can happen until it is valued.

My MIL would pay for a handy man. He's done a fair bit today and is coming again on Friday. If he kicks off again I'll tell him not to come again and I'll get someone in.

My MIL has agreed to come and sit with the dog and stay over night. If, as I expect H refuses, then I'll ask my friend to sit with her for a bit.

I have told my MIL the full reason we are getting divorced. She said it is so sad we can't talk to each other. That just makes me feel shit. Like she doesn't understand how much he's hurt me. WTF would anyone think I would want to speak to him?!

I am exhausted with a headache but tomorrow I'll go for a run and then I have therapy on Wednesday.

Hi everyone, how are you all?

I'm still waiting for my solicitor to call me. H has messaged two of my children. The same message, hasn't even addressed it to them personally. I'm waiting to hear from the kids how they feel about it but I'm not impressed with him. He's making excuses, blaming them and explaining nothing really.

@BirthdayRainbow Sorry I have been awol for a bit. Everything got a bit hectic with work and kids!

Hope you are OK. Seems like there's lots going on.

I see with the pension thing. I know in some circumstances that is very important and I hope you get the info soon. I know of one couple who when they divorced he gave her the house because he was actually better off keeping all of his pension. I hope you make some progress this week and he doesn't stress you out too much. And if he does make sure you tell your therapist everything.

Re MIL, you won't get any useful advice from her I don't think. And why do these people think talking solves anything? Complete waste of time!

Anyway, thinking of you. I've still heard nothing from mine. It's his birthday today. I'm just about to face those school mums for the first time since I figured out what was going on. Not looking forward to that!

No probs @Whsthappensnow . I know you have a lot on.

I emailed the solicitor yesterday and he's replied. I decided to tell him by email what had happened yesterday rather than ring him. Easier and cheaper. I was a bit surprised he hasn't looked at and dealt with my answers to H's questions so no wonder h is annoyed but even if he had we still can't do anything until the pension thing is done.

I will be telling my therapist everything and today H has messaged the kids so I'll tell her that too. The same message to them all, hasn't even addressed them by name and I feel it is all woe is him. He said he hopes they can still talk to him and not shut him out as well as saying he has bad mental health, it has been hard, very difficult. The shutting him out comment has pissed me off as he's blaming them. They don't want to know him as he's treated their younger brother appallingly, all he's done to me and has shown no care or interest with any of them.

I should have known I'd get nothing from my MIL. He hasn't wanted to sleep with me for years because of how I deal with being abused as a child and said some more awful stuff. He makes me feel as I do as I was fine with everyone else.... even telling her that wasn't enough.

So of course I don't want to be with him or talk to him!

Don't worry about the pointless school mums. Tell yourself their opinions and thoughts are just theirs. No impact on you. Let me know how it goes.

@BirthdayRainbow That probably was a better way of dealing with your solicitor too because you'll have a record of the conversation too.

I hope the therapy helps. He's obviously hurt a lot of people. It's often the way that they alienate a lot of other people on the way too.

I'm so sorry about what you have been through. I wasn't expecting your MIL to be supportive but you did need to tell her the truth and you were prepared for her reaction so nothing ventured nothing gained!

So actually it was OK today at school. I was polite and she was sheepish and visibly uncomfortable. So that told me all I needed to know.

I'm glad it was okay at school. One more person you can ignore without any difficulty.

I am struggling a bit tonight. Trying to avoid alcohol. Feeling pretty lonely.

@BirthdayRainbow Yes I needn't have worried really but I was very selective with my topic of conversation. I also took myself to Costa between finishing work and the school pick-up and spent slightly longer than normal lingering over my cappuccino so I wasn't spending as long in the playground. So that was good.

So, I had quite a long period where I fine with my own company and craved it because I had enough to do. Plenty of entertainment, books to read, planning my house etc but I'd go through phases. Also I've been very careful with alcohol and caffeine because I know the effects on my wellbeing. I don't cut them out but I am in control entirely. If you want a drink and you know you can stop at one. Have it.

Glad the school run went okay but remember you don't even have to be selective with the conversation. You can just not talk to them if that is what you want to do.

I'm fine on my own mostly. I'm struggling tonight as h message just reinforces how shit a dad he is being. I feel guilty he's their dad. Two of them said it makes no difference but he can say well I tried, they still don't talk to me. No doubt he'll blame me again for saying something to them. So maybe on some level he knows his behaviour is unacceptable. I was also realising how few true friends I have and obviously I have zero family. Sometimes it just gets to me. I didn't open any drink. I only have a liquor my son bought me for my birthday and I want to enjoy it, not drink it because I'm sad. I had crisps instead. I messaged my lovely ex and asked him to talk to me for a bit. I said I was sad when he asked what was wrong and he was lovely. He sent me a few message and made me laugh.