Can we have a general divorce chat please?

[BirthdayRainbow]

My h moved out in July. I did not know he wouldn't be coming back but I'm fine that he hasn't. I feel like I was absolutely fine at the start as knew it was the right thing but now I'm feeling so heartbroken at what has caused this situation. I don't want him back. It's the right thing. So why am I so sad?

any advice re kids would be great. They are all over 18 but it's like he's struggling with the split that he thinks he doesn't have to be a father anymore.

As this has never been the marital home it is even more important he doesn't come in for a meal or event. Goodness I'm determined H won't use my new vacuum so I totally get it. You have to put your foot down. Next time, ask them why they are trying to make you feel guilty. Remember you are not responsible for him or his wellbeing.

I think groups your kids are doing are really good. But good to be mindful just in case.

I don't know why re the forms either as I had a counter argument to everything but I'm not bothered right now as we aren't ready anyway.

You are worried about the man as you are caring. Accept and move on. Just in case there's any sense or wanting him in an unhealthy way. You don't need that. You are doing just fine as you are ✅

Nothing will jeopardise our friendship. The issue is we have chemistry, always have and if we were single we'd make a go of it. This is why it's just dinner. Best all round.

I haven't said anything to H re my daughter as she asked me not to. When he commented today how the kids had ruined the windowsills in their room I really had to bite my tongue. I will say something but when the time is right.

@BirthdayRainbow I think that's the point with my house. There is nothing here we ever owned jointly. I put it all together from scratch with nothing. So as soon as he sets foot through the front door it feels contaminated!

I think you made a point about the DC and activities. It's more about what they actually want to do themselves. Perhaps I'll re-visit the idea if they express an interest.

Oh that explains it about the house. I just wondered if he was deliberately dragging things out.

Yes I think it probably is that with the bloke round the corner and genuine curiosity. I suppose if there's anything unhealthy going on with me it's that I know I need to block and delete the other one but then I think, no, I'll just give him a little bit longer to reply and then I'm also thinking I can't believe this has dragged out another week!

Has your friend given you a date and a venue for dinner yet?

Yes good point about H if DD doesn't want you to.

I feel so strongly that I don't want him in your house. I totally get what you mean. If ever I'm struggling with something I replay what I've been advised in my head and it really helps me stick to my guns and / or do something or not let something happen.

If you know you are done with someone then I'd block. I worry about why you feel you will give it another week. I know about just wanting to be sure but I'm concerned with you not being hurt and not getting treated badly.

I know the date for dinner and venue. It's just whether he can. Sometimes he goes with colleagues and then I couldn't go as well. He's been texting me all night. He's been very supportive as checked how I was as knew h was coming round. It was so lovely he remembered and wanted to make sure I was okay.

@BirthdayRainbow Yes I'll do that. I do think it will help.

So I have just blocked and deleted. I wasn't planning on giving him another week I'd just had a realisation that I'd let things drag out another week and made no progress. I have also come to the realisation that whilst I feel ready to open my heart to someone again and I'm finding men attractive again I wasn't prepared for how much headspace it would take up and how pathetic chasing men at my age was going to make me feel!

Yes it definitely sounds like he has your back. I hope you do get to see him soon.

Good.

Please don't feel pathetic. There's nothing wrong in wanting a relationship. Especially after you've had a bad experience. It's a sign of strength that you can contemplate one. That you know not all men are the same as him. I'm sure you'll meet someone worthy of you and if you don't, then you'll make a different good life for yourself.

I hope so too.

@BirthdayRainbow Morning! Yes it's just a sign that I definitely need to take another break from men and focus on the other things on my life. I do have lots to look forward to.

I hope your friend continues to support you without things getting too complicated and I hope you have a great time with your DC this weekend.

Hi@Whsthappensnow h showed up again this morning and is still here so I walked the dog for two hours just to avoid him. I've told him not to come at the weekend. My boys are coming tonight and I don't want him here. My kids might go to see their Nanny and may see him and their uncle who is also coming tomorrow but they go to see her, not him. Looking forward to 4pm as he's going then.

Tbh it's already complicated but his support is amazing and totally appreciated by me and I know he likes having be back in his life and is lucky to do so, because he told me!

@BirthdayRainbow That all sounds really sensible. I hope he's actually got something done today.

That sounds great about your friend. He is lucky to have you in his life.

@Whsthappensnow He has done a bit. He's currently in the garage making a noise. Sounds like he's sawing. No idea what. Just wish he'd go tbh. He needs to speed up with jobs. It's going to take weeks otherwise and I'm sick of him being here already.

Thank you. I'm lucky too. Really we should be married with a bunch of kids. We met too young and other people interfered and lied but neither of us realised. I went abroad as was too heartbroken living minutes away from him. Then I wasn't allowed back home so that was that.

He finally left at 4.15 saying I'll see you Monday. I let out a big sigh and he left. I then found that the cat had pooed on the floor. Hopefully he'll notice the mark and clean it. I've pickup up the poo. We'll have to get a new carpet anyway.

I feel exhausted. My eyes are so sore I feel I've not slept for days. Having him here is exhausting.

@BirthdayRainbow gosh I remember that feeling and I really feel for you as I remember that well. It's really tricky isn't it because you Want the space but you know the work needs doing and when the animals are behaving like that it doesn't help.

It's a cliché but give yourself space and try to be kind to yourself. It's very wise to be making the most of your time with the DC this weekend and wanting him out of the way.

I've had a busy week at work and I just found out that actually I hadn't finished my training and they gave me more to do, then DD left my phone in a cafe and we had to rush to pick up DS from football. I've not even fed them yet because when we got in I was determined to finish work first so I have the weekend free.

I promised DS a trip on the train tomorrow to our nearest city. Lunch in Yo Sushi for DD and a quick whizz around John Lewis for me!

Your story with this friend of yours is actually very familiar to me. I actually have a similar story but mine blocked me on social media when I tracked him down so he's actually never heard my truth. Whatever it is you have with yours, I get it. You never know what the future holds.

@Whsthappensnow thank you. It means a lot that you understand what I mean as I don't think I explained myself very well. I put a bit of make up on yesterday and I was trying to work out if that was why my eyes or sore or because my dog had me up in the night or because I'm exhausted due to the emotion of having h here. I have to focus on, it all needs doing but I am going to go out on Monday. I will walk the dog as long as possible then go out somewhere or maybe just sit in my room. Don't know yet.

I picked up my eldest at 7 and he has just left to pick up my youngest from the station. I don't think my middle one is coming but she came a couple of weeks ago as a surprise which was lovely.

That must have been annoying about your training and phone but hopefully all sorted, you've all eaten and you can enjoy the weekend. I'm still struggling with eating so ds1 and I shared fish and chips from the takeaway.

My ex has been in and out for about 19 years. We talk for a few days, weeks or even a couple of months then he gets spooked and goes for years. Then comes back. I'm hopeful I will see him but I'm focusing on making my own life changes and relying on myself to make myself happy. My h knew we spoke. Wasn't happy. I stopped. But h was already talking to the woman he had an affair with and knew at the time he said I couldn't talk to my ex anymore, that he'd be shagging her in weeks 😡and ex and I never met up.

@BirthdayRainbow It could be all of those things causing any kind of irritation at the moment. Just try and relax when you can.

I think it's bound to happen that you don't see all the DC at the same time but you sound like you make the most of it when you do. And you might not have managed a full portion of fish and chips but that doesn't sound like a bad effort.

So yes you know the score with the ex and do know to focus on yourself too. It doesn't sound to me like he should have had too much cause for concern though especially when he was up to no good the whole time.

I've still not heard anything from my ex. I'm missing a big work night out tomorrow because I didn't have enough notice and can't ask my folks again. I can't help but think I'm missing out and he should be helping me more. Do you remember gossipy mum? Well she has a friend who I thought was my friend. I told her about the bloke round the corner. Up until recently she said she was anti social media but I had an FB request from her. Her other Friends are, my ex, other gossipy mum, and the one my ex tried it on with at DD's birthday party! So now I'm thinking she's been stirring too and I feel like I can't trust anyone.

Trying to wind down a bit now. Its been one of those days but I got everything done in the end.

It is so hard when you feel you can't trust those you thought you could @Whsthappensnow . If I lived nearer I would have babysat for you. I don't know if they are still going but I remember an agency called Sitters where you could get evening babysitters but I'm sure there is a similar company now. You will feel so much better once you forget trying to rely on him or expect him to help and make your own way. Yesterday I took the vacuum apart to empty it then couldn't put it back together. I couldn't find the intrusions but eventually I worked it out. I've had several moments where I would have got h to do something but I've done it myself and it has been such a confidence boost.

My h blamed my ex for him having an affair. Said I always smiled a stupid smile when I said his name.

I'm glad you got everything done. My eldest has gone to bed, my youngest is in the bath and I'm just going to watch something then go to bed myself.

@BirthdayRainbow I think I will just back away from them now. I'm cramming too much in and if I book the kids into after school clubs when they're finishing at different times so I will be avoiding them on school runs anyway. I was planning a girls night out soon and I don't feel guilty about not inviting them now. I suppose I just feel a bit let down.

I think I'll look into babysitting services locally. I'd already promised kids day out and booked train tickets so it will be a rush anyway but there's another big night out soon with work and the venue is round the corner from my house so I think I definitely need to make an effort for that.

That must have felt good with your hoover! I've had similar recently when I managed to re-set my boiler and put my curtains back up after the cat pulled them down! See who needs men!

They're always looking for blame. It's never their fault is it and it sounds like he was just looking for something to say to make you feel bad.

@Whsthappensnow allow your moment to acknowledge you have been let down then move on. You soon learn who to trust. I've certainly been more circumspect with people I thought were friends and haven't been saying as much as normal. I know who I can trust generally but even one friend who was really good I have stepped back from a bit as hardly see her since h and I split.

Literally the only thing I miss h for is letting the dog out in the evening when she wants to go a lot and it is too cold to leave the door open!

He said he took responsibility for his affair but not enough for me. He was blasé about it the other week as well which really pissed me off. It made me so poorly I have a neurological problem that took years to diagnose and has got worse since the reason for the divorce. But I will be okay and I won't be in this house forever. He said three weeks to get the house ready so I'm hoping by September I'll be in my new house. Not sure if that is realistic.

@BirthdayRainbow Yes I will do that. I wish I wasn't so generous with my time,generosity and hospitality with these people but I'll learn from it. It has happened before and I'll concentrate on the people who I feel I can trust more. It is awful though.

That's funny about your H and the dog! I was thinking I also struggle with technology a bit but then remembered I set up new work laptop on my own.

Honestly he had the affair. He did the damage. He should have thought of the implications including detriment to your health and well-being. I genuinely think my ex was under the impression that he could do what he wants and everyone would be able to just move on from it which is a ridiculous notion. Yours sounds similar in that respect. I hope you have seen some improvement health wise.

Your expectations with your house are entirely reasonable. I left my H first week of that October and I was in my new house fully furnished by the Xmas and that included getting a brand new sofa delivered and getting everything connected. It is all achievable!

The house purchase completed in 6 weeks.

@Whsthappensnow I really feel for you but be happy you were so generous with everything as you stayed true to yourself. I'm feeling it as I was the one that sent all the cards and gifts in H massive family and only two aunties and one cousin has been in touch. I've stopped sending cards to those that haven't bothered. I know it's not fair on the kids but it was the only way I could think that people might actually stop and think. I never miss a special or sad occasion so would hope people would notice.

Your comment about the affair made me cry. No one has ever really said that to me before. I took responsibility as I never hid the fact I still had feelings for my first boyfriend but H decided to be with me and marry me so if it was a problem he should have talked to me. We were together 27 1/2 years when we split. Of course I know now he never talked about anything important. For most of our relationship I haven't even been in contact with my lovely ex (to differentiate from horrible ex h) and I did more to fix things after his affair which pisses me off now. H blamed my ex as apparently I mentioned his name one day but as we'd not talked in years it must as been as relevant as saying the shopping needed doing.

That gives me hope re the house. Thank you so much. Tearful at that too but for happy reasons. If I put the house on the market then start looking once we have a firm go ahead offer what would be the quickest timeline? My solicitor said quickest was four months which felt really long to me.

I have been for a run while DS1 walked 🦮and then we are going shopping for food for the weekend. I feel like pizza tonight. I barely buy anything as trying to empty the freezer and cupboards but when the children come home I buy them whatever they want.

@BirthdayRainbow Yes it's just things like catering for them at kids parties, hosting everyone back to mine when there's an event in town and yet I rarely get invited to thiers. And I stopped the cards thing already. I'm going to start using the too busy excuse that people have used on me for years!

Sorry I made you cry! Just stating a fact! I did the same as you and in his mind so did H. But the reality is he hasn't changed and wasn't going to and so there's no going back because I just can't get past it. That thing about his name? He's just looking for something to turn it round on you.

So, I was in a lucky position with my house. The vendors were desperate and had lost a buyer but then when it went back on the market they got 7 viewings in one day and everyone offered on it! I got it because of being a cash buyer good to go and the agent pushed the sale and the paperwork. The agent wouldn't take me on without proof of finance. Sometimes solicitors don't understand the market they only know their own recent experience I've known people complete in less but even if you take somewhere in the middle of me and your solicitor you're on target!

Enjoy your day and your pizza! If you haven't got much of an appetite anyway just have what you want

I'm so grateful for your support and understanding @Whsthappensnow . I am conscious it has become more you and I on here but want to say to anyone, please feel free to join in. We all need as much support and friendship as we can get.

I feel shame I didn't leave because of his affair but while part of the reason I didn't leave makes me so desperately sad the part where I did what was right for the children then helps me reconcile it a bit. I can't go back anyway. I'm divorcing him for something he said to me that was 100% no coming back from, was incredibly cruel, devastatingly heartbreaking and in that moment I stopped loving him instantly. I still tried for months as he had a bereavement a few days later but after making an attempt on my life and starting therapy, I came to the sudden realisation that it wasn't okay and we were done. Adding to the sadness was it was exactly what I was worried about happening right at the start of our relationship so I told him then and then it happened all these years later but he kept it from me for years. At the moment it still feels so shocking to admit it and I don't want to post it on here but maybe one day. It's not my shame after all.

I will be a cash buyer too once I sell as I don't want to borrow from my MIL so hopefully that will help.

I didn't get a pizza as DS2 is out for dinner and I didn't know what DS1 was doing so figured I'd have crackers and cheese but he's out shopping so he might come back with something. Tomorrow they are going to see my MIL. I find it hard when they go anyway as don't see why h should get the benefit of seeing the kids when he does fuck all but with time being Mother's Day I want them here with me. I'd never stop them though.

Happy Mother's day to us all. I hope you are having a lovely day even if it is the first as single or divorced.

Yes happy Mother's day to one and all. It's been a great weekend this end.

@BirthdayRainbow I was conscious of that with this thread too but I saw your message yesterday but didn't get the chance to come back but just a couple of things.

Firstly trauma is trauma. Words and general cruelty can ruin lives too. That is an absolute fact.

Now happier things, the house, you can't predict what will happen in the market and things vary from area to area but I also know that my DB bought more recently than me in a different area (Hampshire) it was a complicated purchase which involved some rental agreements and complex financing and it still took less than 2 months. September is a realistic aim for you in my opinion.

But I don't know why they have to behave the way they do. In other news my ex has refused the invitation from my DM but agreed to have the DC at some point next weekend.

Hi @Whsthappensnow i hope you've had a lovely day with your children.

I appreciate your reassurance I could be in my new house but the end of summer/beginning of Autumn.

I told my eldest about h affair and why we are divorcing today. He made me drink and then asked me what had happened. My other son has joined us in the kitchen so I asked him if I should tell him and he said yes, he's asked. All the children now know everything. He is appalled at his father, sorry I went through all I did, said it's fine to feel bitter and gave me a big hug.

Both boys gave me a lovely card each with lovely words. DS1 said I'm all the family he needs and that was before he knew about his father. DS2 denied or but he also gave me a card from the cats 😁. My DD wasn't able to come home but she video called me. DS1 cooked an amazing roast dinner for the three of us then later took his brother to see his Grandmother. H had forgotten it was Mother's Day and went out most of the day with his walking group. The boys were there 2-4 and didn't see him. His poor Mum. I wonder if my plant arriving yesterday prompted H? I guess my MIL will know now who reminded her son to send flowers ..

I am glad your ex didn't go to your house but I hope your mum stops inviting him. I wouldn't tell the kids about him having them in case he doesn't bother.

H is coming tomorrow to do more jobs on the house. I'll take the dog out, do an errand for DS2 then take to my bed with the dog. He went in a drawer of mine to get something and I don't trust him not to snoop even though I said he has no right to go through my stuff and should ask if he wanted anything when he said he didn't go through my stuff. I have to tell myself that the jobs need doing and he won't come every day - I won't let him- and it isn't forever.

@BirthdayRainbow Yes thanks they gave me some really lovely presents and my DM came round for a roast. My stepsiblings hadn't really bothered with mother's day and my DB has only visited once on 3 years since my folks got thier new house. He sent her some flowers that only lasted a day. I bought her some birthstone earrings she'd seen in a boutique in Cornwall when we were away and some posh chocolates.

Yes I think we'll always remember who makes the effort.

Glad you have had some interaction with all your DC and a talk your sons.

Spoke to my DM. I reminded her I hadn't had any contact with ex since DSs birthday party day, and he'd paid me short and gossiping school mums. She thinks it's all connected to me going out with the bloke round the corner and punishing me for it and she gets my point now. He has previous for this kind of behaviour and she hadn't put it all together.

I haven't told the DC and they haven't mentioned him all weekend.

I think you have to get the balance right with your ex. But I've been there with hiding stuff. Paperwork and important documents wrapped in spare linen under the bed!

I have been putting all legal stuff in the boot of the car but I also need to take the spare key with me. I think it is flat but even so.

I am glad your mum understands more now.

I was worried how DS1 would be with h at MIL but as he wasn't there I think that was for the best for my sons. I feel sorry for MIL though. Not only did he not remember he didn't cancel his plans when he did so no lunch out or cooked for her.