Can we have a general divorce chat please?

[BirthdayRainbow]

My h moved out in July. I did not know he wouldn't be coming back but I'm fine that he hasn't. I feel like I was absolutely fine at the start as knew it was the right thing but now I'm feeling so heartbroken at what has caused this situation. I don't want him back. It's the right thing. So why am I so sad?

any advice re kids would be great. They are all over 18 but it's like he's struggling with the split that he thinks he doesn't have to be a father anymore.

Even when I said he is losing his kids she just said oh.

@BirthdayRainbow That line 'I'm over him but I'm not over the pain' It resonates with me. It's a good summary and in my case it's true but my MIL wouldn't give a shot about that!

I think focus on what needs doing for the DC because he let them down

I find it very easy to stand up to anyone when I'm fighting for my kids. The difficulty I'm having with my MIL is I know she's upset at the split, doesn't want to know what he said, clearly doesn't want to hear anything as she said she didn't know what to say when I said about it and I will feel frustrated and upset if I get nothing back. Like mother like son..

@BirthdayRainbow So you understand her and you're prepared for it to go either way by the sounds of it you can't go wrong!

I feel like there's nothing to lose tbh. I'm getting zero support from her. The kids are getting nothing from him. Once I move I won't have to see him again and probably won't see her. Not sure what contact we'll have tbh.

@BirthdayRainbow That's the attitude. And don't be tempted to stay for her benefit either. You need this move.

H and I cancelled our move because of her and I was 100% ok. I actually said we had to but not in this case. No way.

Thank you. I am learning not to need validation but tbh it is still reassuring and helpful to get some.

Hi. How's everyone doing?

Bad day yesterday. Felt lonely and sad and bloody furious at h. Wanted to go to his mother's and smash him in the face but I won't. I did want to go and shout at him for real. How bloody dare he ignore my daughter when she clearly needs help?

@BirthdayRainbow Morning! Oh crap. I've had a busy week and forgot to get in touch to see how you are. Do we assume that chat with MIL didn't go to plan? So cross for you. You've every right to be angry.

Hi @Whsthappensnow thank you but please don't worry. You've got little children and a job. You've enough on but I am happy to hear from you. The chat with MIL went well as she's offered whatever help and money my DD needs and I know she will follow through.

I'm angry as h still hasn't replied to DD and even if he has realised what her problem is that doesn't mean he shouldn't have rung her! Or even a flipping message. She will need help sorting it all.

DD wanted me to tell MIL more about what h has and hasn't been doing so I did. She said very little. I also told her that DD has told me things that h has and hasn't done, has and hasn't said when she was little and if I'd known at the time I would have left him then. I really hope she's getting the message. Finally I told her I was over him but I'm not over the pain of what he's done and said.

My friend has phoned me twice in five days which is lovely and sent lots of messages the other day but I feel so upset and alone at the moment that it just reinforces that I can't talk to him whenever I want. I've got therapy soon so hopefully that will help. Then I'll go for a run.

Hows things with you and the children @Whsthappensnow ? Is your ex behaving? Has he explained the lack of money transferred?

@BirthdayRainbow Hi! Yes I am really busy at the moment and had a training session after work today so I've had to get my parents to help me out a lot this week. I'm glad you spoke to your MIL it sounds like progress. In the way that she's aged to help and you've said all the right things. It's up to her how she processes the information for now.

I see both sides but I think you know about what's right to divulge and when.

I think it all sounds OK about your friend. I'm glad you've been in touch and you have support but I also think you understand the boundaries and know that it probably is worth bringing up in therapy. I'm glad you can go for a run. I found the weather today lifted my mood and I did outdoor learning today which involved gardening and cleaning out the chicken coop and that was like therapy for me!

Kids are busy at the moment, world book day,sports tournaments and a Dartmoor residential next week so loads going on but I've promised them a tip to our nearest big city on the train and lunch in Yo sushi on Saturday. Still not heard from ex. No explanation about the money. He has been in touch with my mum though and booked a short break for the DC to Butlins after the Easter holidays. What he does between now and then I have no idea.

It's his birthday next week and my DM wants to invite him round here for dinner. I made my thoughts on that very clear!

On another note, at my training session today they were talking about complex PTSD and a book called 'the body keeps the score' it sounds like a very interesting read. Think I'm going to order me one.

I've got the body keeps score and it is worth getting @Whsthappensnow .
I've also been diagnosed with Complex PTSD. Can't believe it if it is down to H given what I've been through in my childhood.

I messaged MIL and asked her to say to h if he wants the house on the market asap he needs to come and do the jobs around the house. I can't and won't do it all otherwise I'll use the joint account to pay a handyman. I said I wont message him as don't want to be ignored as he is our dd. I said I don't want to live here any longer than I have to and he's complaining how long everything is taking and that I live here. He was out but she said she would. He's coming tmw morning. I said I'd be out with the dog probably but I've left the job list on the table and can he sort the curtain before he leaves. I don't know whether to go out with the dog, wait until he gets here, go out after walking the dog or stay out of his way.

I was able to do a bit in the garden yesterday and today and it does help. Therapy was painful but positive. More tests today from my friend and he is being supportive. It's not good though.

why is your mum thinking of having a birthday meal for your ex?! Does she not understand why you've split up?

@BirthdayRainbow Yes definitely going to get me a copy. It wouldn't surprise me if my situation was the same.

That definitely needed to be said re the house and I hope he does start working on that list ASAP. Staying out of his way is the way forward.

I don't know what to say about your friend. Is the dinner still happening?

So, my DM is still obsessed with 'being the bigger person ' and keeping the peace for the sake of the DC. I've been fighting with her over this my entire life. I didn't get on with my DF. They were long divorced when I got married but she insisted my DF came to my wedding despite both of us detesting the man because its the done thing but it's not my style but I refuse to fall out with her over it.

He hasn't said it isn't but past experience tells me it's not definitely on until he sends me the address.

Your mum needs to step up. Put you first. But if she insists on him going you don't have to.

I'll see how I feel tomorrow re being here or not.

@BirthdayRainbow Oh gosh I totally get that but I hope for you he sorts something soon.

She's invited him to my house! So the kids can give him a birthday present. He hasn't replied though so he probably knows it's wise to stay away. Then I start wishing things hadn't gone so pear shaped with bloke round the corner as it was nice to briefly have somewhere to escape to!

And yes re tomorrow, you totally don't need to decide yet.

That's outrageous. It's bad enough she is inviting him to anything but to invite him to your house!!!

Remember you don't need a man to make you feel better. You need to learn to do that for yourself. A man should enhance your life. Not be it.

@BirthdayRainbow Yes he's just still gaslighting everyone into feeling sorry for him because of his situation and I'm fed up with it.

Yes I realise that and I am getting good at making myself feel better. I just have the odd wobble here and there. I haven't seen the bloke round the corner since it happened and I'm still reliving the event in my head thinking about what the outcome would have been if I'd done or said something different.

The older guy from Pof is still messing me about and there's a bloke at work who I thought I had a very good working relationship with but who has let me down since that incident on Friday and blanked me several times since.

So there isn't one single man who brings anything to my life really at the moment apart from my son and he challenges me!

Maybe it's time to tell your mother exactly what has been going on and maybe she'll get it. I'm certainly telling my MIL more and while I know she'll probably say nothing to him, I'm fine with telling her. I speak the truth after all and I owe him no protection.

You are doing well. Just a little reminder, not a criticism.

Time to block the POF man and change your whole mindset. All these men treating you badly is unacceptable.

Kids, challenge, yep. Their job!

I am hoping I don't get wound up about tomorrow. He's coming. Jobs need doing. I'll be grey rocking him. Tbh I'm more worried we'll talk and if will be okay.

@BirthdayRainbow My DM knows everything and is still like this! It drives me nuts. My DF was actually physically absuive to her and she insisted on keeping the peace until the day he died regardless of everything he did. I'm just going to have to keep repeating myself until she gets it!

Yes play it by ear with your ex but I'm still wondering if the house would still sell if you didn't manage to get everything done ie. Is there a way of taking some pressure off both of you?

I know it's OK. I just had a wobble about the bloke round the corner because I was chatting to another friend about it and she thinks something I said is probably the reason why he dumped me and for a little while I wish I hadn't said it. And it was one of those what if type moments.

Pof bloke and bloke from work I am probably putting in the bin. I haven't had to work with the dodgy fit teacher since but I don't know what they have in store for me tomorrow.

As for you, just try not to overthink anything

Actually, maybe go grey rock with your mother. She knows the score. She's choosing to behave like this. Why? Does she not understand ? Does she like him and feel sorry for him? Does she not care you're hurting?

I think h has pound signs. The house has been valued more than he was expecting and he knows it has to look immaculate to get that. I look at it that we are in the fortunate position that it has been valued more than expected so could take 50k less and would still be up. I'm not willing to spend more than £200 buying whatever but there are things that we just should do.

It is hard when you have a what if moment (I took one ex back as was already pining for a previous one and didn't want two on the list) but tbh if you said something and he doesn't want to date you because of it I would see it as doing yourself a favour.

My therapist said I'm in the eye of the storm at the moment and it won't be as hard as this again or forever. I can hardly believe it's been 7.5 months since we split.

Morning @BirthdayRainbow So the thing is I'm reluctant to grey rock my DM because she does so much for me. I do know she is wrong though and I've had to put her in her place this week about something else too. My DSF was trying to push my kids to take up another activity. I think they do enough but all thier cousins are excelling in a particular sport he thinks they need to do for self defence and discipline but I'm fundamentally against children doing combat sports and wanted him to back off. So that's been tricky too but the ex's birthday thing if he's not responding I don't even need to worry about it yet but I will keep telling DM she's wrong and whilst I appreciate everything they do for me they do need to back off a bit!

Ah OK, I'm totally with you on the house thing. I hope he turns up, gers on with it and leaves you to it!

So it was a silly chat with a colleague the other day. We were laughing about how many of the blokes from work are on OLD. After the bloke round the corner I'd matched with one. But ignored it. He's attractive but very arrogant he's also older still. But 6ft6 and ex military. Anyway bloke round the corner also knows this guy too so when he told me he still wants to chat to other girls no matter what I told him I'd matched with this guy. He said 'you wouldn't go there would you?' And I said no but I rekon I Could if I wanted to! Anyway this colleague thinks that comment is why I got dumped and that actually I'm a good match for ex military guy at work but it's not going to happen. I'm having a break. I'm blocking the other guy too. I sent him one last message saying my training is over and I have my life back and I've heard nothing so that really is enough now. You are right I don't deserve to be treated like this.

I'd agree with your therapist. When I think back that was kind of my worst time. I had an extremely intense emotional response when I found my house and that's when things started looking up so I feel like if you can do what you can to get the house on the market ASAP then you'll feel better.

@Whsthappensnow I understand about your mum. Maybe don't tell her she is wrong as that will get her back up but say it isn't the right thing for you to have your ex there and if it would unsettle the children say that too. It is your house, no longer his home and you have every right to keep him out as much as is right for you.

My DD did what I think is a marital art but I can't think which one. It was completely her choice though. She also did ballet and now does volleyball and ice hockey. It does give me some comfort that she felt she could protect herself if necessary but you have the right to say no or yes when it is your children.

H turned up at 8.50. He said no to filling in the form for the estate agent and even when I said we could do it and not send although the agent knows we are not ready, he still said no. I took the dog out but ended up going to his mum's for three hours. He said he was staying until 4 and no way could I face that long. I came home then went out to the supermarket and took my time. I did some gardening and we did talk a bit about the jobs but I didn't like how it made me feel. I asked him to cross off the jobs he had done and he marked two! I said if that's all he's done it's going to take ages. He then said he spent four hours cleaning the oven. The oven I've not used in months. He's coming back tomorrow early so I'll be going to the massive park to walk the dog as long as possible. Thankfully two of my kids are coming home for the weekend so I need to just keep thinking about that.

Stopping interaction because of that comment is so silly but it shows what kind of person he is and what kind of woman he was wanting. You did yourself a massive favour. My friend has been messaging me tonight. He said he wishes I was with him. Oh dear.

I can't put the house on the market until the percentage split is decided but I will as soon as possible after that. Once it's sold I'll start looking for my new home. I spoke more to his mother today but she just said she doesn't know what to say as she can't do anything to make it better. How about you try?! Some acknowledgment would help.

She has agreed to pay my DDs rent for the three months and be guarantor for next year. H still hasn't replied to her message.

@BirthdayRainbow That's the thing. He cast me aside and asked me to leave. He abused me he's never lived here. This house is a sanctuary I've created for myself which makes having him here even more uncomfortable. It's not my fault he only has a single room in a shared house. I don't feel guilty about it. Although people do try and make me feel like that.

So DC are doing cubs, guitar lessons, choir and football and I'm thinking that's enough really. On reflection I think it's the interference side of things that's bothering me so I need to be mindful of that.

I don't get why your ex is being difficult about the forms? How frustrating for you. I hope tomorrow is more productive and it's great you'll see your kids soon.

It's wierd about the bloke round the corner. I used to see him several times a day. I haven't seen him since and have resisted the urge to contact him but it's like he's disappeared off the face of the earth and I've found myself wondering what's happened to him and if he's OK?! What's that about?!

The thing with your friend. Remember that you are in control. Don't do anything to jeopardise the friendship and make sure you mention it in your next therapy session.

OK I get that with the house. I hope that's something you can figure out soon. Gosh that's a cop out from his mum.

Did you call him out for not responding to your DD?