Can we have a general divorce chat please?

[BirthdayRainbow]

My h moved out in July. I did not know he wouldn't be coming back but I'm fine that he hasn't. I feel like I was absolutely fine at the start as knew it was the right thing but now I'm feeling so heartbroken at what has caused this situation. I don't want him back. It's the right thing. So why am I so sad?

any advice re kids would be great. They are all over 18 but it's like he's struggling with the split that he thinks he doesn't have to be a father anymore.

@BirthdayRainbow No, I didn't think that I just don't Always explain myself very well and I appreciate the advice and support because I do feel fragile sometimes. When I met DH it was personality over looks. I got to know him on the phone first. If you've ever watched Gavin and Stacey it was exactly that scenario. I want a balance of both ideally and recently I'm finding the better looking they are the worse they are in terms of behaviour or.. it's just men of a certain age. And I need to see what an older man is like (ex H, bloke at work and bloke round the corner all mid 40's Pof 2 bloke is 52.)

Your potential dinner date does sound nice though!

So, my hair is naturally Taylor Swift colour but doesn't look like that on me. When I first split with ex I fancied a big change and went mad red but it wasn't really me and I preferred the strawberry blonde it faded too but I've been progressively adding more golden highlights and the 'money piece' is very light bits painted free hand around my face so now it's about 4 different colours and actually doesn't look too stripey! Pink and blue ends sound good. Do both if you can't decide!

Need to line my stomach before night out. Did have a veggie pasty though and a diet coke so not too bad!

Kids know about the holiday but we don't talk about it too much I just answer questions about it and I booked a very special holiday after it and a once in a lifetime one for next year (transatlantic cruise and stay to New York) so they have big things to look forward to with me.

@Whsthappensnow It's not really a date as such. He's married but we are really good friends and have known each other forever. If he wasn't married though..we went out together for years when younger on and off and truthfully we are each others love of my life ☹️.

How old are you? I'm 52, ex is 51 and we met at 23. I've mostly been out with people the same age or within two years except for when I was 19 and my boyfriend was 35. Not good.

Both colours sounds like a plan! When we were in lockdown the kids and I all dyed our hair. I figured why not as DD at least wouldn't have been allowed that colour at school.

You are handling the in-law holiday really well. I might be cynical but be prepared for the ex to say something about it. Either you're competing or how can you afford it. Given his behaviour, though, he might have walked away by then.

@BirthdayRainbow That does sound like an interesting situation! Do you get on with his wife? I do actually believe platonic relationships are possible and sometimes it's nice just having male company. I don't want to end up hating men despite my past experiences.

So, I'm 46. (Just) ex H is 47, bloke round the corner is 44 and fit bloke at work is 43. 52 year old POF guy who's 52 has grown up DC in thier 20s and is aware that I have primary age DC (geriatric mother!) I'm thinking 52 year old might be way past the mid-life crisis danger zone! My DM is 72 and my DSF is 80 and I'm noticing quite a gap with them now. But no 19 and 35 isn't good!

That's just reminded me I bought DD some hair chalk for Xmas and we've never used them! But yes I love a bit of experimentation just not mess!

Yes ex told gossiping mum he was jealous of holidays but I did take him to Spain last year and he spent every night locked in the bathroom watching porn on his phone. If he was capable of having decent normal relationships he'd also be invited! I was tempted to explain to him how I can afford to do everything but I shouldn't have to. Although, I have a generous relative who is gifting me and my siblings some inheritance early.

@Whsthappensnow we live a long way away from each other so I've never met her. She knows about me as years ago he needed to do something with the police related to me. She doesn't know we talk. No point causing her unnecessary worry.

Do you mean you'd invite your ex on the future holiday with the kids?

@BirthdayRainbow That's really sensible.

So yes I took ex H away after we separated because I was trying to be civil and thought he'd help with the DC. He wasn't happy I didn't take him again. He told gossiping mum that. He knows about the other bookings too because the DC told him but I've told ex and DC that he won't be coming with us again. They understand because they know how moody he was on that holiday.

He wasn't happy you didn't take him again?!?! OMG the entitledness of him and complete lack of self awareness.

It needs to be he isn't coming again because you are getting divorced.

@BirthdayRainbow Exactly and I have definitely stopped trying to keep the peace. I have also accepted the fact that I've earned and deserve all the nice things I have and his situation is entirely his own choices. But it's taken ages to get here!

In other news just about to get ready for big night out and seen on FB it's snowing in some parts of the county. Wonder if I need to wear my thermals!

This stuff takes time and it isn't easy. I'm trying to pass on what I've learnt as well as giving you support. I also very much appreciate your support to me.

Definitely put some warmer clothes and supplies in your car. Just in case ❄️

Well I live in the town centre. I'm the nearest to all the action if you can call it that lol! so I'll be OK but I'm thinking change of outfit. Big coat and boots required! And I was going to suggest going to another town nearby if its quiet round here (trashy but great seaside town 5 miles away) but I think we'll stay local. I noticed earlier a couple of places have live music tonight.

Yes I definitely feel we've taught each other a lot. I do love my friends but none of them have been through the same.

I hope you had a good time @Whsthappensnow !

I'm so tired today. I used to run every other day but just miss so many atm. Dog had me up again. I'm emotionally drained with h being so crap with the kids. Still hasn't replied to dd. Also, with having to speak to my MIL soon. I just want to cry. I love my dog but walking her every day and on my own until at least Friday as my friend is away and the other one seems to have dropped me since I have split, all feels too hard and too much.

@BirthdayRainbow Had a really nice evening actually. Stayed out until 1:30am. Quite an achievement. The music was great in my local it was a rag n' bone man tribute act and we had great food and cocktails. I feel a bit jaded this morning from prosecco and espresso martinis but I'll live!

So I'm not surprised you feel like that about MIL. I'd avoid speaking to mine at all costs! I also get how you feel about walking on your own. This might not help you but I've found not by choice that I might add but I've just got really comfortable in my own company. I listen to a lot of podcasts. I can recommend some if you like but I don't always need them it depends where I am and what the weather is like.

It's nice to have company like I did last night but I got my fix and I won't need to do that again in a while.

When friends have dropped me before I've just accepted it and moved on and whilst it's been difficult at first I've always managed to replace them with new often better ones anyway!

@Whsthappensnow I'm so glad you had a lovely time!

I am just so disappointed in my MIL. Soon after I got engaged to her son we went shopping and she asked if I wanted a mum or a friend. I said a mum as I don't have one but while she has been a good grandparent there's not been an awful lot of parenting me. I understand he's her son but she said her self she's benefitted from me not having a mum and she knows I have no family. I'm going to be speaking to her about help for DD which will make it easy for me to do but I'm so close to telling her the reality of her son's behaviour towards my children and me. Even my DD has now said tell her.

Most of the time I am happy on my own and sometimes when walking I don't want to see anyone. It is just those times when I feel I need someone to just talk to me for a bit, lift me up, support and advise me and I realise now I need some fun. My friend does lift me and build me up and has been an incredible support but he is married and can't always message me. I understand why and wouldn't want his wife to be upset but it is hard. We have known each other for ever so he's very important to me.

I have thought about listening to something as I walk but I do talk to my dog a lot and feel I need to be aware of what is going on around me as I can be in places that are quite isolated.

The dog walking friend who hasn't wanted to go with me for months, I saw her last week and I think she has marital difficulties of her own, I'd support and help given the chance, but it doesn't excuse just disappearing.

@BirthdayRainbow It's a tough one with your MIL but from what you have just said I feel like maybe you think she's let you down and your DD too and I wouldn't blame you for feeling like that. I would agree with DD too.

With your friend, I think just make the most of the time you have with him. You both understand the situation. Neither of you would push it.

Ah I see with the company and the dog walking thing. I'm just walking through town and through the park so not isolated at all so I get what you mean. I'm wondering if you should talk to other friend and tell her how you feel.

I had a message last night from Pof bloke. The older one. He was asking to see pictures of my new hair. I replied this morning and said I was too worse for wear (pleased with myself for resisiting the drunk texting thing!)and that I might send him one later if he sends me a pic of him in the gym!

Predictably there's been radio silence since and I'm considering telling him next week to stop wasting each other's time and knock it on the head.

Oh, the gym thing. Were you flirting? Fine if you are but I was wondering if you had got those vibes from him?

Do whatever you want but not immediately. Sit on it for a while.

We do make the most of what we have but I sometimes think I should stop talking to him.

I have messaged my MIL and said I need to speak to her about something. I've said fine to meet, go to her house or on the phone but not when my ex is there. Not read it yet. She hasn't let DD down yet. She's been good in lots of ways but they are a family who only talk about superficial stuff so I concede she has to a degree. We'll see what this talk brings. If it happens.

I wouldn't bother telling gym man to stop wasting time. I'd be tempted to ghost and block tbh.

@BirthdayRainbow I try and live my life by treating people the way I want to be treated so I'm a bit funny about ghosting. I've never actually done it but I suppose I could. I think I was being a bit flirty just to try and move things on a bit to see what happens.

His response was 'If you want a picture of me in the gym I'd better actually go!'

Yes it sounds like you do need that talk with MIL. Hope you can arrange something!

I hear you but there's also a fine line between doing what feels right and being treated in an unacceptable way, I am finding.

As I know his answer now I would probably give a different response. I'd wait to see what he does next but probably wouldn't send anything else remotely flirty.

Good point. I'll leave it for now and see what happens

I'm speaking to my MIL tomorrow. As yet don't know the time and whether in real life or on the phone. But it's not going to be pretty. I know she'll almost definitely agree to what I want her to do for my DD but the rest is about her son so..

@BirthdayRainbow I'm glad you have something arranged. I hope it all goes well. Try not to worry about it too much and make sure you say everything you want to. You'll be so pleased when it's done!

I'm worried about upsetting her. Last time I had a difficult conversation with her as h had let me down with animal care, I realised very quickly it was pointless saying much so finished the conversation. I'm just sick of the lack of support and how useless the whole family are.

@BirthdayRainbow He let you down with animal care! I've been there too! The amount H paid my maintenance short this month equates to his share of animal care and he has previous. Think about what you'd be saying to me. I'm sure it would be something along the lines of accept the things we can't change but we're dealing with very tricky customers and it's definitely worth a try. I hope she takes everything you've got to say on board.

Yes, more than once. My son had to come home so that I could go and pick up my own child to come home for Christmas! The next time was so I could take him back.

Could you please help me plan what to say to her as you've given me a good start? I've already written down the favour for DD so that I don't forget anything and to try and stay calm.

issues are - DD needs a favour. She needs a favour because h is not doing X, Y or Z. It's so awful! I know she can't like hearing criticism of her son but these are her grandchildren and no one is saying anything that isn't true about his behaviour!

I'm also finding it surprising how someone says oh when I say I'm not having good day as if I'm supposed to be okay at the ending of a 27 year relationship due to h doing and saying something unforgivable within months! I'm over him but I'm not over the pain!

@BirthdayRainbow I don't think there's anything wrong with anything you've said there. It's all fact. The bottom line is he's being selfish and he's not considering the consequences or how people are suffering or inconvenienced. All you are doing is spelling it out to her and asking for help which she should.

I'd be tempted to add that last sentence just to get it off my chest but it probably wouldn't do me any favours.

The last sentence of the next to last paragraph? Re his behaviour?

I think he won't care or think about consequences because he would say I chose this. I didn't, he didn't give me time but either way our my children didn't!