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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

As a divorced mum, how often are your kids with you?

110 replies

LorlieS · 28/12/2023 22:35

My husband says it's "common" these days but I feel like one of the very unlucky ones.
Court ordered 50/50 since sons were 3 and 6 and then when they were 12 and 15, 12 yo went every Weds pm - Mon am with me and 15 yo just EOW. Abusive ex-husband. Horrifically controlling. He told me that I'd I ever dared to leave him this would be the consequence.
I'm now very happily remarried to a great (and very understanding) man and we have a beautiful 3 yo daughter together.
Of course it still doesn't stop me missing my boys though.
It often feels like such a lonely place.
Anybody else in a similar situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
LorlieS · 28/12/2023 23:54

@Ansey I'm so, so sorry. Your story is very similar to mine. I still am in shock it's allowed to happen.
How often do you see your children?
It's so bloody unfair.

OP posts:
AmazingDayz · 28/12/2023 23:57

24/7 50/50 would have been my ideal in terms of contact.

Original poster
LorlieS · 29/12/2023 00:05

@AmazingDayz What did you end up with? 😞

OP posts:
AmazingDayz · 29/12/2023 00:07

They are with me at all times but that’s not what I wanted I would have wanted 50/50 it was ex that would rather not see them.

Original poster
LorlieS · 29/12/2023 00:09

@AmazingDayz 50/50 is hell on earth if you have an abusive ex hellbent on hurting you. It's also very hard financially as you lose CB,, no maintenance due etc. I said to HMRC "Ah do I just pay rent half of the time then?!"

OP posts:
AmazingDayz · 29/12/2023 00:10

I don’t get maintenance anyway as he doesn’t work 😬

Original poster
LorlieS · 29/12/2023 00:11

@AmazingDayz Would you honestly be happy not seeing your kids for 10/11 days at a time? And not always at Christmas and on birthdays? From the ages of just 3 and 6? Mine weren't even "permitted" to come to my wedding. It is absolutely shit. And also hell financially too.

OP posts:
Teenagersscarethelivinshitoutofme · 29/12/2023 00:12

My ex sees DD during some school holidays, totals about 20 days a year. He chose to move away so not easy to see her.

Original poster
LorlieS · 29/12/2023 00:13

@AmazingDayz May I ask your housing situation? My ex-husband lives in a 1.2 mil property (complete with swimming pool) whilst we still privately rent a decade on as can't afford to buy (despite both working ft).

OP posts:
AmazingDayz · 29/12/2023 00:16

Financially it would be easier for me as I don’t get any maintenance for them and never have as he hasn’t worked in years. So for me it would actually be easier financially, why is it 10/11 days? I would do week on week off or some do 2 3 2 but I think a week on and a week off sounds better

Original poster
LorlieS · 29/12/2023 00:21

@AmazingDayz You work and own your own place?

OP posts:
milkysmum · 29/12/2023 00:25

My children are 12 and 14. Divorced 2 years ( but ended the relationship 5 years ago). Children are with me 24/7. No maintenance. I've never had the opportunity to meet anyone else as I've never really had any time to start dating again given I've always got the children. I'm glad I'm not with exH anymore as he was an abusive alcoholic, but the thought of being alone forever now is a bit sad.

Ansey · 29/12/2023 00:26

@AmazingDayz My children are with me every other week. Change over is on a Sunday night.
School holidays split in half.
It is horrendous. I’m a teacher and now I’m sitting at home half the school holidays whilst they are entertaining themselves whilst he is on work calls all day long?!

AmazingDayz · 29/12/2023 00:26

Yes I work and renting.

XelaM · 29/12/2023 00:27

I have my daughter 100% of the time and I'm very happy that my ex is a total loser who decided not to contest this.

AmazingDayz · 29/12/2023 00:28

milkysmum · 29/12/2023 00:25

My children are 12 and 14. Divorced 2 years ( but ended the relationship 5 years ago). Children are with me 24/7. No maintenance. I've never had the opportunity to meet anyone else as I've never really had any time to start dating again given I've always got the children. I'm glad I'm not with exH anymore as he was an abusive alcoholic, but the thought of being alone forever now is a bit sad.

That’s the same for me, I’ve been alone for 7 years I would love to date and meet someone else but it’s impossible having the children 24/7 so I’ve had to accept I will be alone forever now. I still feel like he has that control over me.

XelaM · 29/12/2023 00:32

AmazingDayz · 29/12/2023 00:07

They are with me at all times but that’s not what I wanted I would have wanted 50/50 it was ex that would rather not see them.

Why would you not want to see your kids 50% of the time? And surely being moved around houses every week is not good for the kids.

Original poster
LorlieS · 29/12/2023 00:33

@AmazingDayz In a few years' time they'll be old enough for you to start going out on dates again.

OP posts:
AmazingDayz · 29/12/2023 00:33

XelaM · 29/12/2023 00:32

Why would you not want to see your kids 50% of the time? And surely being moved around houses every week is not good for the kids.

Show quote history

Why would I want to raise them alone? I didn’t have kids to raise them on my own. Why wouldn’t I want my ex to step up 50% of the time they are his kids too?

Original poster
LorlieS · 29/12/2023 00:35

@XelaM Completely agree. And it is even harder when those two houses and families are so incredibly different, both for the kids and the adults. The racism and sexism that comes of my son's mouths when they are back from their dad's is abhorrent (but sadly not surprising).

OP posts:
Azandme · 29/12/2023 00:37

Former H has dd every Weds night, EOW, alternate half terms and half of Easter/Summer and Christmas hols.

It works well.

Original poster
LorlieS · 29/12/2023 00:37

@AmazingDayz If you lived the actual reality of 50/50 I am almost certain you would feel very differently. Through no fault of my own I hardly know my own sons.

OP posts:
AmazingDayz · 29/12/2023 00:38

LorlieS · 29/12/2023 00:37

@AmazingDayz If you lived the actual reality of 50/50 I am almost certain you would feel very differently. Through no fault of my own I hardly know my own sons.

And if you had your kids 24/7 you may well feel differently too never getting a break ever? I’m at breaking point and actually really don’t enjoy being a parent at all, because I never ever get any time to myself and I’m exhausted. Mentally and physically, having a regular break from them would improve my mental health and help me be a better parent.

Original poster
LorlieS · 29/12/2023 00:41

@Ansey Sounds all too familiar. My ex-husband didn't actually want the kids, he just wanted to punish me for daring to leave him. He does nothing with them, despite his wealth. My eldest does a lot of things outside of school.and he never supports. I never miss. Breaks my heart.

OP posts: