As a divorced mum, how often are your kids with you?

[LorlieS]

My husband says it's "common" these days but I feel like one of the very unlucky ones.
Court ordered 50/50 since sons were 3 and 6 and then when they were 12 and 15, 12 yo went every Weds pm - Mon am with me and 15 yo just EOW. Abusive ex-husband. Horrifically controlling. He told me that I'd I ever dared to leave him this would be the consequence.
I'm now very happily remarried to a great (and very understanding) man and we have a beautiful 3 yo daughter together.
Of course it still doesn't stop me missing my boys though.
It often feels like such a lonely place.
Anybody else in a similar situation?

@AmazingDayz How old are your children?

Get help, but 50/50 is definitely not better for the kids whose interests should be paramount.

I would not give my daughter to my ex 50% of the time because I know she is much better off with me.

@XelaM Sadly I had no choice as abusive ex took me to court. Repeatedly.

OP - the only positive in this awful situation is that it sounds like your kids have a nice life at your ex's and are spoiled, so at least you know they aren't being neglected.

@XelaM Not sure where you got that from?

Sorry I may have misinterpreted from this My ex-husband lives in a 1.2 mil property (complete with swimming pool

@XelaM Indeed. I lived in a beautiful home when I was married to him, too.
I was also made to sleep on a mattress om the floor, banned from seeing my friends and family, and locked out of the house if I came home past his curfew of 10pm. Just the tip of the iceberg.

Mine weren't even "permitted" to come to my wedding.

That is unbelievably cruel. I feel for you OP. And only seeing them EOW, I couldn't cope with that.

On paper, my split is 96/4%, but in reality, it's 100/0 for one kid and about 99/1 for the other kids. Yes it's hard work. But I wouldn't have it any other way, and neither would my kids; they know who actually parents them, knows them, and is guiding them into becoming lovely young adults.

@wandawaves Thank you ❤️
My middle son was with me today and twice I've had to walk away as his language and attitude towards me has been appalling. Learned behaviour from his dad. It is incredibly triggering for me.
I just wish the courts had protected my precious children.

I have my dc most of the time.

Exh has them one weekend a month and about a week of each school hols.

Suits me fine as I don't like them being away too much.

I am so sorry. That's awful - you don't deserve any of what you've been through and are still living with.

Better than what though? It’s not in the best interest either for children to have no relationship with their other parent (unless abuse of course) but was answering my own situation and that 50/50 would have been my desired outcome but my ex is not abusive to our children but of course abusive situations are different and I can understand why that would be a struggle was only speaking of my personal situation.

@Loafbeginsat60 Aw thank you. I'm now blessed with an amazing husband who is incredibly patient with me although I get stressed at myself! I've been with him almost seven years but still struggle to do the "basics" like say I love you or initiate any physical contact. I'm a total insomniac and very anxious at times. It's all to do with being absolutely terrified of betrayal and rejection.
But fortunately he looks past my broken parts and sees something (God only knows what) in me and for that I am very grateful.

@AmazingDayz I'm guessing dad doesn't want to see your children? Sadly if that's the case you can't "force" him to.

My ex was technically 'meant' (agreed between ourselves, not in court) to have them 1 day every weekend. 10-7ish and give them lunch and dinner.

He often didn't turn up, or came after lunch. If I was lucky I'd get a message. Sometimes the message was sent before he was due to come. Sometimes they were actually given those 2 meals. Often they were fed toddler portions so came home and asked for more dinner.

He hasn't seen them consistently since before covid. He's seen them 5 times max since then. But they are 19 and 17 so he speaks to them not me these days.

I have my children 24/7 and wouldn’t change it.

@Brummymumma That would have been my ideal too (abusive ex). However, would have felt differently if ex was a decent man who genuinely loves his kids.

I'm glad that you have happiness and that positive influence in your life now

Don't be so hard on yourself - if you weren't pretty special, would an "amazing" man want to spend his life with you?

@Loafbeginsat60 I'd never thought of it like that before! ❤️

Their father is not involved in their lives at all: has completely walked away from his own children, doesn't communicate with them, pays no maintenance etc.
I find this very difficult; it's tough emotionally, physically and mentally. Doing everything yourself with no "rest" is hard. I also have to support my children with their father's rejection. Which is very upsetting for them.

Off topic but why is your husbands house/wealth your concern if he has them 50:50? Its not his job to fund you nor pay maintenance if he has them 50:50

i work full time and my kids end up at home sometimes while im on work calls and im not a shit mother so I don’t like the insinuation of that

50:50 can be hard but so can eow or any other combination if you and Ex cannot co parent well. It’s never going to be easy in those situations

i know many who have 50/50, myself nearly, and it worked well. But then we’ve always strived to put our differences aside, live close, kids had flexibility and we both took to sporting hobbies etc so kids didn’t miss out and as they got olde basically they came and went between each parent as they wished

Oh and as much as at times I really didn’t like my ex, my children deserved a relationship with their dad as much as with me and I’m really glad they do now they’re late teens

Separated since May and currently ex spends time with her 1.5 days a week but no overnights. She is 3.5. He doesn't want to go to court but I expect may want some overnights when she is older.

He has ASD (diagnosed four years ago) and I have concerns about his parenting ie. Ability to sufficiently safeguard as a lone parent. I will resist him ever having anything close to 50% because it would not be in DD's best interests.

It's a difficult balance, I can absolutely see how him having her more would give me more time to myself and to develop my interests and keep on top of things better. But I fear that I would never be able to row back from increased contact and am therefore resistant to increase it at this point.

My solicitor told me 50:50 is unusual because usually 'one parent cannot commit to having the children 50% of the time'. She did not say which parent that usually was, but I expect we can guess! She also said if you go to court the current access arrangements are considered status quo and so access could well be increased from there (that's usually the point of one party taking the other to court) which also makes me more inclined to hold firm on the current low level of contact.

@AmazingDayz all situations are unique. My ex would a half decent parent when with me because I could steer and support him. I have done so since we split (despite him having an affair!) for the sake of DD, but he continues to shit on me on a regular basis and I have now had to step back for the sake of my own MH as I am no good to DD otherwise.

My choices are to self sacrifice to support him to half a half decent relationship with DD, or step back, leave it up to him, and with his ASD I fully expect their relationship to deteriorate quite quickly. The latter is where we now are unfortunately. I've come to the realisation that prioritising myself to keep me going as long as possible, even if it means little to no relationship with my ex, is better for her than getting less from me and more from her dad.

Haven't had time to read whole thread sorry. But I have a horrible ex and have to have 50/50 even tho his job means our child is left with his nasty girlfriend half the time. It's horrid, my child hates going there. It's hell on earth living through this every day