As a divorced mum, how often are your kids with you?

[LorlieS]

My husband says it's "common" these days but I feel like one of the very unlucky ones.
Court ordered 50/50 since sons were 3 and 6 and then when they were 12 and 15, 12 yo went every Weds pm - Mon am with me and 15 yo just EOW. Abusive ex-husband. Horrifically controlling. He told me that I'd I ever dared to leave him this would be the consequence.
I'm now very happily remarried to a great (and very understanding) man and we have a beautiful 3 yo daughter together.
Of course it still doesn't stop me missing my boys though.
It often feels like such a lonely place.
Anybody else in a similar situation?

Lucky you.
Completely missed the abuse and control going on here and chose to victim blame. 👏👏🤔

Abusive ex won 50:50 in a horrific court case, even though the timings aren't 50:50, he just wanted the words to say he had won 🤷🏼‍♀️.

In reality, the day the case was over, he never saw DD again and he collects DS when he cba, usually for a few hours on a Saturday.

If I ask for help eg if the kids need to be in different places at once or someone is ill, he says no; and he used covid as an excuse to not bother for nearly two years.

What a c@nt. Power and control all the time isn't it.
They love that court order to dictate to you and stop paying maintenance, then do nothing for the kid. You need to take this back to court and explain the reality. At least if the order is ammendrd to not be 50:50 you can claim maintenance. Costs about £55 and you just fill a form in online.

Whilst I understand why 50/50 has been difficult for you, please stop minimising how hard it is for those of us who do it 100% of the time alone. It's not a game of top trumps.

@Redlarge court was too traumatic for me to ever consider going back. He works part time in a min wage job, and the kids are almost adults so it's just not worth it.

I've done both, and for the last 3 years, the court ordered no contact at all. I have them 100% of the time and have no family. Not even living elsewhere.

I personally would choose my current situation. The control, abuse, and worry about the kids' care when not with you is utter torture. Im still having counselling now.

See this is it. Bloody useless family court that serves to facilitate the abuser. Leaving you powerless due to your experience. They have a lot to answer for.
I hope that you are able to get counselling, i know it helped me. Im sorry love xxx

I haven’t read all the replies.

I do 50:50. My children are now 11 and 14.

For us it is ok, but that because me and my exH get along and live a 5 min walk from eachother.

So swapping days and both basically saying ‘yes’ to whatever the other asks for makes it all fine.

Also a bonus is no Maintenance needs to be paid by anyone as it’s equal. We just half all their clubs and things.

So what I am saying is that I think 50:50 is ok if you all get on and no bad feelings, both parenting styles and morals the same. Of course I miss my girls but at the same time I can get more hours done at work and do housework when they aren’t here. I re married and have a 3yr old too. So her setting her sisters on and off is normal to her, they are extremely close though.

At the beginning the girls were 4 and 6, and it was very hard for me, the sadness of divorce etc. so I feel lucky it’s worked out how it is and we all get on and have great lives.

OP, your situation sounds horrendous. It's far more than it being 50:50 though.

In your case the issues arise because you have an abusive ex that is continuing his abuse of you through your DC.

I'm so sorry.

I have my DC all the time. They were very small when we separated. Also a very abusive marriage. The difference is while he wanted to see the DC initially, it was all on an ad hoc, casual basis, no actual parenting. This was very hard when they were small as it meant I never really knew when he'd see them or if he'd show up. They didn't stay overnight until they were much older, and only my younger two did, occasionally. He wanted the fun stuff essentially.

When they got to about 10, he started treating them badly, and they wanted no further contact. They are now teens / pre teens &'have sporadic text contact.

He made this a huge issue in our divorce - alleged parental alienation, I was forced to spend a fortune being evaluated by court-appointed psychologists and so on. Very traumatic. Made no difference anyway.

While I'm profoundly grateful they are free from his abuse, largely, and that I am not in your position, it's very hard being the only parent and having no break & no support. And no life of my own really, bar work.

The ideal is obviously shared access that places the needs of the child at its core & I know of a number of situations where that does happen, thankfully.

@Redlarge no victim blaming going on

op asked for experiences of 50:50
ive given mine and friends of mine where it actually has been ok and positive in general

in op case if ex is abusive and controlling as op states then any pattern inc eow is going to be a challenge

but not all men want 50:50 just to control their ex as is always stated on this site. In op case that could be the case

Contact with someone separated parents always depends on the circumstances and the relationship between parents. I do almost 50/50 with my eldest twos dad and it works perfectly. But we're happy swap days if needed and attend events together etc.
There was no abuse in our relationship, it would be different if there had been.
I will hold my hands up though and say I'd definitely struggle if I had my children 24/7 and never got a break.

Glad to see a bit more support for 50/50 today I was a bit 🙄 at the horror that a mum wouldn’t want to spend 24/7 with her kids. Alright if you have family that will look after them for you if you need a break or some me time or you need to do things that don’t include children but I don’t have that. When I said 24/7 I mean 24/7 no one has my children ever, they come everywhere with me. I’ve not had the chance to meet a lovely new husband that treats me well I’ve had no choice to remain single and celibate for 7 years not that that’s the point I would just like a break so I don’t tip over the edge, breaks are healthy for mum and children. I haven’t had a night to myself in 7 years. Eow wouldn’t work for me as that just means a Disney dad doing all the fun times and no real parenting , no school runs, no medical appointments so far from ideal to me. Heaven forbid wanting a man to have his children that he created 50% to actually parent them 50% of the time.

@AmazingDayz 50/50 only works if both parents are decent human beings that put child's best interests first. If not it is hell on earth.

Nearly divorced. Ex has dc EOW for 3 nights which works out as 80/20. He might see them more if he can fit them into his schedule 🤦‍♀️ Tbf school holidays are probably 60/40 now. I'd be very happy for him to have them more especially since he's recently stopped paying maintenance, but it's very clear that he doesn't see them as a priority 😔

Not referring to you referring to the poster disgusted that I would “only want to see my children 50% of the time”

also as another poster pointed out seeing the heart ache of your children crying for a father and asking why their father doesn’t want to see them and doesn’t care about them. Having a child coming out of school on Father’s Day crying because every child was doing a card for their father but they don’t have one. Having a daughter that approaches men asking them to be her father because she doesn’t have one, calling all the dads in school “school dad” yeah but it’s for the best that he doesn’t see them….

@AmazingDayz But 50/50 doesn't always equal a caring father; in fact, often quite the opposite.
I see your point, but as I hope you can appreciate, just seeing one of my boys EOW is devastating. I hardly know him.

I'm sure it's hard to only have kids 50/50 if you don't want that but it's also extremely hard in a different way when you have your kids the majority of the time. It's relentless tbh. But it's not a race to the bottom. It's hard to see things rationally when you are sleep deprived and run down all of the time.

@LorlieS so you only see one son every other weekend? That's very tough. Is there anyway he could spend more time with you?

I do know of some families where 50/50 works quite well, but both parents are decent people who put their children first.

@YourOnMute No because it's in a court order and if he asked for more his dad would go mad.

I do about 55:45 altho only live 1/2 mile for the ex so kids often pop by / turn up etc.

I also often get youngest from school for an hour or two whilst dad finishes work. I attend their extra curricular activities so get to see them then too.

DP only gets 5/14 nights which is 3 more than his ex wanted him to have. He’s still paying off a £9k solicitors debt! He also gets half the holidays but she does her best to book activities over his time.

I have DC who are all between 8-11 years old. XH has them 2 nights a week in school terms and 3 nights a week in school holidays.

Sitting here in bits as the pain is all too much over Christmas and NY. Last year NYE I was having an emergency surgery for a ruptured ectopic. This year I am without my sons. This year hurts far more.

I split with DD's dad when she was 2. We've had 50/50 ever since.

I’m happy with this arrangement. We both are. We are lucky in the fact that we live near each other. She is 10 now and doesn't remember any different. It works great for us.

@LorlieS it sounds incredibly hard and I'm so sorry. My situation was similar to @AmazingDayz - DD hasn't seen her father for more than maybe half a day since she was born, and not at all since she was seven (she's 26).

No maintenance from him or family support and I worked all hours, and actually looked at boarding schools because my quality time with DD was absolutely minimal. I absolutely longed for even one weekend a year off.

However looking back, I realise that my fantasy of having a fairer split involved a kind, caring and supportive father, and he didn't exist.

Your children know you are there for them and they will figure it out for themselves.

@LorlieS I agree, 50/50 really is hell on earth if the ex is abusive.
It allows the abuse to continue and he will continue to try to destroy you as much as possible.
I have such dark days, that I even consider letting him know he can take sole care for the children, if that will mean he has no reason to ever contact me at all. I don’t want any abuse from him. The impact makes me ill.